Man.
I thought family would always be there for me. I love my family.
I can't be around three of them for awhile though...which means I won't be seeing the rest of them either...Doesn't matter though, they're all being brainwashed anyway and wouldn't want to see me.
What brought this on?
It started with my mom calling me at work. She said she had read my myspace profile and blogs. She knows I had an abortion, she knows what I'm into, she knows what I believe. She proceeded to spend my whole break cutting me down in this pathetic sad voice and telling me she's mourning the loss of a daughter. She said she won't stop 'talking about her beliefs'--talking about her beliefs is fine with me by the way but when she does the whole 'you're going to Hell I'm so sad you can't see the truth I'm so sad at the things you do I love you but I hate everything you're about' bit that's when it crosses the line into preaching and guilt tripping.
She said she can't even say that she loves me because of the things I do and stand for. She said she doesn't want me around the family.
Basically I said fine fuck you then I won't be around.
Then she sent me this email turning everything into a 'why did you reject me and the family why can't you accept our beliefs blah blah blah' thing..
Scuse me? I told her I don't care what they believe just don't push it on me or make me feel bad for believing differently. She's the one saying how terrible I am and that she doesn't want me around.
Then my sister joined in the fray. At first she said she loves me and doesn't care what happens between Mom and I.
Then she started telling me how sad she is that I'm rejecting Mom and the family...like a recording of my mom's previous email.
I responded to each stupid cut with facts.
She wrote back saying how much I hurt her and she thought I was past that and mom is right . And she included a note from my mom which said she loves me and didn't ever say those things.
I feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone.
WTF???
I keep going off of what was/is actually said. They keep trippin and rearranging things. i feel like I'm a little crazy. But I know what happened. I have witnesses too--the people I went back into work and told every part of the conversation to balling my eyes out.
Is it bad that I have absolutely no desire to be around my mom or sister or contact them ever again? They just keep manipulating things and then accusiing me of doing the same. I refuse to be around people like that. Who says family should get special treatment? if they bring me down they bring me down.
I have friends who I feel a hell of a lot closer to--they are more my family.
My dad is the third person I don't want to talk to by the way. He hasn't said a damn word through this whole ordeal. At least openly reject me you asshole.
I hope I'm not the only one of eight kids to escape the brainwashing.
I hope the other escapees and I find each other some day.
I hope I am strong enough to focus my attention on positives and not on the fact that I miss my brothers so much it brings tears to my eyes typing this.
On one hand, I want to just let myself cut my losses. These are, after all, some very confused individuals, and I don't think I'll ever get them to wise up.
On the other hand I love my family and I feel like a cop out.
But who said I have to play therapist just coz I'm the sanist one?
I need to give myself therapy. I have felt so much better in the past two year away from home. I've grown eighty million times more spiritually than I did in 21 years of listening to their shit. My depression is microscopic now compared to then. And you know what? I got myself here. I changed for myself. I learned and questioned for myself. I put myself first.
Now my self tells me, 'You love your family and they love you. It doesn't matter what misunderstandings you're going though right now. Step out of the current if you feel it will carry you away, until you have better footing; deeper roots.'
I'm going to go send one more email telling them I love them in spite of all this bullshit. Then I'm going to think about other things that are happy and someday this will work itself out.
I thought family would always be there for me. I love my family.
I can't be around three of them for awhile though...which means I won't be seeing the rest of them either...Doesn't matter though, they're all being brainwashed anyway and wouldn't want to see me.
What brought this on?
It started with my mom calling me at work. She said she had read my myspace profile and blogs. She knows I had an abortion, she knows what I'm into, she knows what I believe. She proceeded to spend my whole break cutting me down in this pathetic sad voice and telling me she's mourning the loss of a daughter. She said she won't stop 'talking about her beliefs'--talking about her beliefs is fine with me by the way but when she does the whole 'you're going to Hell I'm so sad you can't see the truth I'm so sad at the things you do I love you but I hate everything you're about' bit that's when it crosses the line into preaching and guilt tripping.
She said she can't even say that she loves me because of the things I do and stand for. She said she doesn't want me around the family.
Basically I said fine fuck you then I won't be around.
Then she sent me this email turning everything into a 'why did you reject me and the family why can't you accept our beliefs blah blah blah' thing..
Scuse me? I told her I don't care what they believe just don't push it on me or make me feel bad for believing differently. She's the one saying how terrible I am and that she doesn't want me around.
Then my sister joined in the fray. At first she said she loves me and doesn't care what happens between Mom and I.
Then she started telling me how sad she is that I'm rejecting Mom and the family...like a recording of my mom's previous email.
I responded to each stupid cut with facts.
She wrote back saying how much I hurt her and she thought I was past that and mom is right . And she included a note from my mom which said she loves me and didn't ever say those things.
I feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone.
WTF???
I keep going off of what was/is actually said. They keep trippin and rearranging things. i feel like I'm a little crazy. But I know what happened. I have witnesses too--the people I went back into work and told every part of the conversation to balling my eyes out.
Is it bad that I have absolutely no desire to be around my mom or sister or contact them ever again? They just keep manipulating things and then accusiing me of doing the same. I refuse to be around people like that. Who says family should get special treatment? if they bring me down they bring me down.
I have friends who I feel a hell of a lot closer to--they are more my family.
My dad is the third person I don't want to talk to by the way. He hasn't said a damn word through this whole ordeal. At least openly reject me you asshole.
I hope I'm not the only one of eight kids to escape the brainwashing.
I hope the other escapees and I find each other some day.
I hope I am strong enough to focus my attention on positives and not on the fact that I miss my brothers so much it brings tears to my eyes typing this.
On one hand, I want to just let myself cut my losses. These are, after all, some very confused individuals, and I don't think I'll ever get them to wise up.
On the other hand I love my family and I feel like a cop out.
But who said I have to play therapist just coz I'm the sanist one?
I need to give myself therapy. I have felt so much better in the past two year away from home. I've grown eighty million times more spiritually than I did in 21 years of listening to their shit. My depression is microscopic now compared to then. And you know what? I got myself here. I changed for myself. I learned and questioned for myself. I put myself first.
Now my self tells me, 'You love your family and they love you. It doesn't matter what misunderstandings you're going though right now. Step out of the current if you feel it will carry you away, until you have better footing; deeper roots.'
I'm going to go send one more email telling them I love them in spite of all this bullshit. Then I'm going to think about other things that are happy and someday this will work itself out.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
keltdruid:
It sux when family lets their belifes over-ride their instincts of love and nurturing for thier children. my mother said that if i were christian, the things that happened to me would not have happened. i hung up on her. she has since apologized...but it was still said. take care. email if you want to talk.
ataxia:
be strong. truth is that which resonates as such within you. you know your truth. hold it close to you. they will either get it or they wont. it hurts to lose family members but living as less than what you are hurts more.