AHHHH IM GOING NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't we just have a real open relationship?
We've got all these great things going on...We take care of each other...
We save each other a last bowl. I do his laundry. He makes me bomb fried chicken. We hang out every night and smoke and drink a beer with our other homies. We cuddle.
Basically we're back to being best friends again. I love this. He (finally after two years) doesn't try to grope me when I'm trying to sleep--it's almost like sleeping alone again. Sigh. But when I DO want to cuddle he's right there.
I don't love the fact that it's still called a 'relationship' and he thinks of it as a traditional bf/gf relationship. I don't. I think what I thunk before...we're friends. Why not just keep it the way it is without the restricting label of 'relationship' 'going out' blah blah? Why does there have to be a break up?
I don't want to fuck him. He wants to fuck me all the time. We have completely different turn ons. I'm submissive. I want to be toyed with and put in my place. That's cool with him, but 'submissive' to him means like straight porn. Me with my ass in view and as fully spread and penetrated as possible. Not that I mind that once in awhile, but it's not my deal, okay? Every time we're gettin it on and I think it's getting good he's getting bored and switching to something shitty. Same with him--if I'm like 'hell yah' he's like 'hell yah what? next'.
I'm at a loss. Do I just continue as we have been and let him figure out eventually (again) that not getting laid isn't working for him?
If I don't live here and I haven't got my grow set up yet I have to move home. They don't want that and I don't want that. I can't even practice Yoga there! Talk about stifling. I'd rather be here and sexually stifled then there and SUFFOCATED by their stubborn beliefs.
I can hang in here. I can deal without good sex--I've been doing it for two years! I just want to be able to be on my own.
But using him is not something I feel comfortable with. That's exactly what I'm doing by not just breaking it off. I'm pretending I still want this. I've been pretending for awhile.
What would happen if I stopped pretending and told the truth?
I'm scared. I'm scared of living at home again. Or living in the gutter. And of being even more broke than I am now. I'm scared that he's gonna hate me. The first time I broke it off (because I wasn't feelin it, we were better as friends--about a month after we officially got together) he was soooo crushed and was a complete dick to me. Mostly I'm scared of backsliding and not making progress in my life. I hate those sitations where I'm between a rock and a hard place and can't really do anything myself to better the situation.
I'm scared of not having my best friend. I'm scared of hurting him.
FUCK, all these fears! How to conquer them? The only way I know is to turn my attention to nicer thoughts and just leave this alone. I don't know how to fix it.
Why can't we just have a real open relationship?
We've got all these great things going on...We take care of each other...
We save each other a last bowl. I do his laundry. He makes me bomb fried chicken. We hang out every night and smoke and drink a beer with our other homies. We cuddle.
Basically we're back to being best friends again. I love this. He (finally after two years) doesn't try to grope me when I'm trying to sleep--it's almost like sleeping alone again. Sigh. But when I DO want to cuddle he's right there.
I don't love the fact that it's still called a 'relationship' and he thinks of it as a traditional bf/gf relationship. I don't. I think what I thunk before...we're friends. Why not just keep it the way it is without the restricting label of 'relationship' 'going out' blah blah? Why does there have to be a break up?
I don't want to fuck him. He wants to fuck me all the time. We have completely different turn ons. I'm submissive. I want to be toyed with and put in my place. That's cool with him, but 'submissive' to him means like straight porn. Me with my ass in view and as fully spread and penetrated as possible. Not that I mind that once in awhile, but it's not my deal, okay? Every time we're gettin it on and I think it's getting good he's getting bored and switching to something shitty. Same with him--if I'm like 'hell yah' he's like 'hell yah what? next'.
I'm at a loss. Do I just continue as we have been and let him figure out eventually (again) that not getting laid isn't working for him?
If I don't live here and I haven't got my grow set up yet I have to move home. They don't want that and I don't want that. I can't even practice Yoga there! Talk about stifling. I'd rather be here and sexually stifled then there and SUFFOCATED by their stubborn beliefs.
I can hang in here. I can deal without good sex--I've been doing it for two years! I just want to be able to be on my own.
But using him is not something I feel comfortable with. That's exactly what I'm doing by not just breaking it off. I'm pretending I still want this. I've been pretending for awhile.
What would happen if I stopped pretending and told the truth?
I'm scared. I'm scared of living at home again. Or living in the gutter. And of being even more broke than I am now. I'm scared that he's gonna hate me. The first time I broke it off (because I wasn't feelin it, we were better as friends--about a month after we officially got together) he was soooo crushed and was a complete dick to me. Mostly I'm scared of backsliding and not making progress in my life. I hate those sitations where I'm between a rock and a hard place and can't really do anything myself to better the situation.
I'm scared of not having my best friend. I'm scared of hurting him.
FUCK, all these fears! How to conquer them? The only way I know is to turn my attention to nicer thoughts and just leave this alone. I don't know how to fix it.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
"aint life grand? yesterday was my 2year and i didnt even get lucky. WTF? at least i got stoned and passed out before i could dwell on it
More of my blabbing:
Fuck all that, I want my fries AND ketchup, my Krispy Kremes AND milk. In this consumer based society I should be able to custom order everything exactly the way I want right?!
But I wouldn't get rid of my car because I want a faster, prettier one. Because how would I ever get to the better car without the one I have to take me to work to pay for it?
Ahh, so here I sit. I will just keep pretending to myself that we are already just friends and that there won't be any breakup drama, until it happens that way. In the meantime I will work towards my self reliance.
I know I will have much more complete and meaningful 'relationships' in the future, because I will let them be what they are without limiting labels and rules. I know there are many people out there who could make me want to fuck all the time, and eventually I'll have at it. I know that if he and I are meant to be friends forever we will be. I know that if my main goal is self reliance I have many better things to do and think about than agonizing over this AGAIN.