this is more for me to vent than for anyone to be entertained by. (trust me, it's not that entertaining.)
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
i'm so sick of crying about money! seriously, no one should have to cry about money, cry about trying to survive... especially not every other day!!!
i'm so sick of missing one or two receipts, trying to calculate our bank balance down to the last dollar, and then having it overdrawn anyway.
i hate that i can't transfer money on my own from my savings account before it's overdrawn, but they transfer $10 to try to cover more than that, it doesn't help anyway, and then i get charged ten more bucks for them to do it.
i hate always being overdrawn!!!!!!!!!! i hate spending hundreds of dollars paying the bank to rip us off! if we had had the stinking sixteen dollars to deposit we could have avoided $76 worth of charges!!!!!
i really am miffed at burger lounge right now, not only for promising such great money and then paying less than i made before, but for fucking up the pay this time, therefore fucking up my rent, therefore fucking up my bank account, therefore forcing shawn and i to count change to try to bring the bank account back to positive, only to discover since they've charged us so many fees, we can't afford to put money in til god knows when-just like we can't afford anyhing else. like shoes that don't hurt. or a bed that doesn't hurt. or food to eat tonight.
want to hear the real kicker? two of the receipts i didn't have that went through were from burger lounge. doubly screwed by the BL!!
i'm at the end of my rope guys. even when i try to be financially responsible things get fucked up. bottom line is, i just can't make enough money. i'm an uneducated woman, and i'll never earn enough money to live on at this rate.
problem is 1) i can't afford college and 2) i don't know what the heck to study i could actually follow through with and actually end up with a good income from.
i really don't know what to do you guys. i'm sick of just keeping trying, just keeping going. i'm sick of thinking each new job will be one i can stick with and make money at and being disappointed and poor still.
i can't keep living like this. i'm having trouble getting out of bed (the only reason i get up is because the bed hurts so much, lol). my whole life has been a roller coaster. most of the down times have been because of money struggles. i can't do this anymore! the good times are becoming less, the inspiration for living less... the stress and guilt and shame are growing. what am i worth if i cannot do this simple thing so many have figured out, this supporting yourself thing? i've been working for over ten years, yet i still get paid the same as people ten years younger than i am. why? i know i'm worth more.
i just don't know what to do anymore. the tears are just pouring out, but they're not comforting. i don't want to end up like my parents, and yet i see i'm already there. is it even worth it to keep trying? doesn't seem like it. i have so little joy in life....everything that makes me feel good is inaccessible to me, because of money. even shawn and i aren't having that great of a time together, because we're so limited by money.. we can never buy or do anything we want.. most of the time we have to discuss which bill to pay and which one will hopefully not get disconnected.
i just want a normal, peaceful life. that's all i've wanted for so long.. why i it so hard??????????????? i just want to go to work, to a great job, get paid what i'm worth, in full and on time every time, and go home and be able to have a life. i just want to pay my bills on time every month, have a savings plan, have a debt repayment plan, AND be able to buy new shoes or go on a trip! so many people have this! i know i can't be THAT stupid that i'm not worth more money!
i know suicide doesn't really help as far as escaping who you are, but it certainly looks good as an option for escaping financial hell right now. i don't need any comments on 'oh don't do it, you have so much to live for, blah blah blah.' if i haven't killed myself yet, i doubt i'll ever get the balls to do it. but i sure do fantasize about it. how great it must be to be 'a free spirit' literally.. not restricted by the rules of people..
and that's another thing. i'm so disgusted with our race. i don't think we deserve to save ourselves and the planet, frankly. i think we deserve to kill ourselves off, like we are doing so blissfully ignorantly. people give lip service to 'going green', but doing simple things like not using grocery bags are too much of a hassle for most people. well guess what? 'most people' is who matters! if 'most people' are too lazy or careless to make changes, who will?
i just feel like if i were to die, at this point, i would not want to come back to earth.
i feel so powerless. i can see so much needing change, but what can i do? the four bags of recycling i take out a week are not enough to turn this ship around.
so there you have it. i don't know why i'm here, but i'm sure not enjoying being here. i wish i knew of powerful ways to help mankind make changes, but i have no idea how to motivate people or where to start. i've been struggling my whole life with money, and i'm still struggling, and i'm so sick of it i want to die, because i don't think i'll ever figure it out.
seriously people, i'm at my wit's end. i don't want to hear that everything will be okay. everything always seems like it's gonna be ok and then the shit hits the fan again. my whole life is revolving around survival, and not in a healthy way.
knowing that half the planet are actually in WORSE situations than i am in doesn't help either. that just makes me think of bush and the tobacco execs and the business of war.. all those assholes making more money than we could dream of... while others are wondering if they'll be able to afford medical care and food... or knowing they can't, and just awaiting their miserable fate..
great. now i get to go to work in an hour and a half. all day. and it's like what's the point. i might as well be paying them to work there. i get to work with an asshat of a sixteen year old who is rude to customers, can't follow even the simplest directions, most likely has been stealing our tips, and is making the same money as me. joy! i'm thisclose to calling in. unfortunately i can't. i need the sixty bucks to help pay my overdraft fees that they caused anyway.
i'm so sick of crying about money! seriously, no one should have to cry about money, cry about trying to survive... especially not every other day!!!
i'm so sick of missing one or two receipts, trying to calculate our bank balance down to the last dollar, and then having it overdrawn anyway.
i hate that i can't transfer money on my own from my savings account before it's overdrawn, but they transfer $10 to try to cover more than that, it doesn't help anyway, and then i get charged ten more bucks for them to do it.
i hate always being overdrawn!!!!!!!!!! i hate spending hundreds of dollars paying the bank to rip us off! if we had had the stinking sixteen dollars to deposit we could have avoided $76 worth of charges!!!!!
i really am miffed at burger lounge right now, not only for promising such great money and then paying less than i made before, but for fucking up the pay this time, therefore fucking up my rent, therefore fucking up my bank account, therefore forcing shawn and i to count change to try to bring the bank account back to positive, only to discover since they've charged us so many fees, we can't afford to put money in til god knows when-just like we can't afford anyhing else. like shoes that don't hurt. or a bed that doesn't hurt. or food to eat tonight.
want to hear the real kicker? two of the receipts i didn't have that went through were from burger lounge. doubly screwed by the BL!!
i'm at the end of my rope guys. even when i try to be financially responsible things get fucked up. bottom line is, i just can't make enough money. i'm an uneducated woman, and i'll never earn enough money to live on at this rate.
problem is 1) i can't afford college and 2) i don't know what the heck to study i could actually follow through with and actually end up with a good income from.
i really don't know what to do you guys. i'm sick of just keeping trying, just keeping going. i'm sick of thinking each new job will be one i can stick with and make money at and being disappointed and poor still.
i can't keep living like this. i'm having trouble getting out of bed (the only reason i get up is because the bed hurts so much, lol). my whole life has been a roller coaster. most of the down times have been because of money struggles. i can't do this anymore! the good times are becoming less, the inspiration for living less... the stress and guilt and shame are growing. what am i worth if i cannot do this simple thing so many have figured out, this supporting yourself thing? i've been working for over ten years, yet i still get paid the same as people ten years younger than i am. why? i know i'm worth more.
i just don't know what to do anymore. the tears are just pouring out, but they're not comforting. i don't want to end up like my parents, and yet i see i'm already there. is it even worth it to keep trying? doesn't seem like it. i have so little joy in life....everything that makes me feel good is inaccessible to me, because of money. even shawn and i aren't having that great of a time together, because we're so limited by money.. we can never buy or do anything we want.. most of the time we have to discuss which bill to pay and which one will hopefully not get disconnected.
i just want a normal, peaceful life. that's all i've wanted for so long.. why i it so hard??????????????? i just want to go to work, to a great job, get paid what i'm worth, in full and on time every time, and go home and be able to have a life. i just want to pay my bills on time every month, have a savings plan, have a debt repayment plan, AND be able to buy new shoes or go on a trip! so many people have this! i know i can't be THAT stupid that i'm not worth more money!
i know suicide doesn't really help as far as escaping who you are, but it certainly looks good as an option for escaping financial hell right now. i don't need any comments on 'oh don't do it, you have so much to live for, blah blah blah.' if i haven't killed myself yet, i doubt i'll ever get the balls to do it. but i sure do fantasize about it. how great it must be to be 'a free spirit' literally.. not restricted by the rules of people..
and that's another thing. i'm so disgusted with our race. i don't think we deserve to save ourselves and the planet, frankly. i think we deserve to kill ourselves off, like we are doing so blissfully ignorantly. people give lip service to 'going green', but doing simple things like not using grocery bags are too much of a hassle for most people. well guess what? 'most people' is who matters! if 'most people' are too lazy or careless to make changes, who will?
i just feel like if i were to die, at this point, i would not want to come back to earth.
i feel so powerless. i can see so much needing change, but what can i do? the four bags of recycling i take out a week are not enough to turn this ship around.
so there you have it. i don't know why i'm here, but i'm sure not enjoying being here. i wish i knew of powerful ways to help mankind make changes, but i have no idea how to motivate people or where to start. i've been struggling my whole life with money, and i'm still struggling, and i'm so sick of it i want to die, because i don't think i'll ever figure it out.
seriously people, i'm at my wit's end. i don't want to hear that everything will be okay. everything always seems like it's gonna be ok and then the shit hits the fan again. my whole life is revolving around survival, and not in a healthy way.
knowing that half the planet are actually in WORSE situations than i am in doesn't help either. that just makes me think of bush and the tobacco execs and the business of war.. all those assholes making more money than we could dream of... while others are wondering if they'll be able to afford medical care and food... or knowing they can't, and just awaiting their miserable fate..
great. now i get to go to work in an hour and a half. all day. and it's like what's the point. i might as well be paying them to work there. i get to work with an asshat of a sixteen year old who is rude to customers, can't follow even the simplest directions, most likely has been stealing our tips, and is making the same money as me. joy! i'm thisclose to calling in. unfortunately i can't. i need the sixty bucks to help pay my overdraft fees that they caused anyway.
as samir says in office space, this is a fuck!
seriously, does anyone have a farm where it doesn't snow? i'll come live on your farm and shovel poop for you. i've always wanted my own place in the middle of nowhere, just me, the animals, the plants, and a natural, simple life.