_catalyst_

it was So. Hard. to get in the car and leave 'my' house.. it was completely dark.. no one in the shop.. no one in the yard.. no grandma watching jeopardy in her house...

even shawn cried.

i think it hit my dad and i the hardest.. leaving the property... he grew up there too.

he and i were each other's pillars today.. when one of us started to falter the other would bridge the gap and pull the other up..

i have not been this exhausted since magic mountain..

i walked in this morning, put my stuff down, and asked what i could do, and from then til tonight when we all left i did not stop moving except once to pee and once to scarf down a burrito..

this morning you would not have really known they were moving... my dad's, brother's, and grampa's shops were the worst... so full of stuff...waay more than a day's work just to go through it all, much less clean it up.. much less decide what to do with what and loading the remainder of IT ALL in the 'POD'.

we all worked together today the most harmoniously i've ever seen us work together... like a bunch of little ants... so focused... so cooperative.. if someone started getting grumpy everyone else would just tell them to shut up and give them something to do... there was too much to do to think about anything else..

we had our last cookies in the shop {my grandma always brought cookies down to the shop for my dad, or over to our house.. she was known all over the neighorhood and at the local church for her giving nature and her cookies .. they even made her a sweatshirt that says 'cookie lady' }..

my dad and i had our last carne asada burritos together from the shop 'down the hill'..

i cleaned that kitchen i've cleaned hundreds of times for the last time today.

as the property was emptied of my family's belongings, it seemed to empty energetically as well..

oh there was still an imprint.. the mark of the Graftons is hard to miss..

but by the time we got in the car to leave, it didn't feel as alive anymore...only wonderful memories left..

i could feel all of those memories compressed into a single moment when i hugged my dad the last time before we left the house..

it took me the whole time we were at my uncle's hanging out while they took showers, the whole time we were crying and hugging and promising to see each other soon, and halfway home with the tears just streaming down and choking me to recognize this feeling.

it's gratitude! i have never been so overwhelmed with gratitude in my entire life! i can feel myself cleansed of every single unhappy memory. i feel only a million awesome memories flying through my head every minute. i feel so deeply, DEEPLY grateful to be here now, to be who i am, and to have been who i was..

i am sooo grateful i cannot express the level of it... grateful i have exactly the family i do and exactly the life i have had and do have and will have. so grateful that each year of my life has been better than the last. thankful that regardless of physical location, i am surrounded and touched by the most unconditional love humanly possible!

what an amazing gift i was given being born to the parents i was, and that gift has only got better and better as my life progressed...better with each addition to our family.. and it will only get richer as my life unfolds from here.

i realized tonight.. in the type of realisation where you see your whole life in an instant, and things are soo simple... black and white... i could see all of my joy and all of my pain... and i saw that i had the same love, the same gifts, the same light inside me regardless... the only difference between the happy memories and the miserable ones were my CHOICE. it was only about how i was looking at things.

i believe wholehartedly in the power of the law of attraction... i practice it in the present and look forward to it being second nature in the future.. but never before had i seen it so clearly as a cause and effect part of my entire PAST from birth, thru childhood, teenagedom... til now.... tho i recall often how the law has been at work in my past few years..

but tonight... i feel completely clear and free from any unpleasant feeling about my entire life before this moment... i feel all of the bad memories have gone... i feel i have learned the lesson i was holding onto them until i figured out...

i do not feel any pain now associated with any part of my life, ...past...future..even the pain i feel now giving up my home and family is washed away by this love and grattitude i now have for every step of this journey.

yes my family is on their way to another state right now without me. but they are not without me, i am not without them. i can still feel their loving energy.. i can feel each individual...all such beautiful spirits... and i can see and feel the bright love of our family energy...

and i know i can access this any time... it only takes a phone call, or an email, or a picture, or a memory, or a thought..

memories.. they are FLOODING back to me now... all GOOD ones... which is amazing because up til now it has always been the unpleasant ones that stuck with me...

i feel i am so grateful for my past and my now that nothing matters... except remembering this truth, and remembering to feel grateful for it.

that's all folks. i'm tired.

oh wait, just a quote that i think sums this up beautifully:

If you examine your history, you cannot help but repeat it! Law of Attraction says it is so: "Whatever I am looking at, I am including in my vibration." --- Abraham

{{so if i'm remembering wonderful things, then i am bringing more wonderful memories to me! }}

hey, if you haven't given me your input on my next hairdo, go back an entry and help me out!