_catalyst_

this past weekend was great. i feel so rested.

i went to bed by ten every night and was up with the sun..

feels so awesome to go with my body's rythms...

we actually made it to the laundromat AND to get groceries... YAY..

i got a TON of music, much more to come! it was like breathing life into me again listening to trance and punk again...i LOVE music; i can't believe i've gone so long without it!!!

we're probably going to ride up to nocturnal wonderland with some random ravers we've never met... totally fun! hopefully it will go wonderfully...

things are looking up... i was so on edge all week but something broke through this morning and i feel invincible and full of energy..

maybe it was just the sleep!

i'm getting better and better at being flexible, and at breaking things up into smaller tasks so i don't feel so overwhelmed...

i've been thinking a lot about all of my ex friends lately...

i don't want them back in my life, but i have been thinking about MY end of the drama..

how much of it was me? how off was i in my interpretations of what was going on? how good was the advice i gave? how justified was i in my attitudes and tantrums?

the more i have thought about it, the more of a two way street it has become..

i still think that a lot of their behavior was unacceptable for that of 'friends', especially 'good' or 'best' friends..

but then i look at my reactions and reasoning at the time, and it was not at all reflective of the person i was wanting to be; the beliefs i hold, the person i am now..

the decision before me is this:

do i seek them out and apologize..

or do i let it lie and not stir up old nonsense?

i'm fearing the answer is: it will not lie until i let it, and i will not be able to let it until i feel better about my part in it