_catalyst_

i'm at 'work'.

i think actually from now on i'll just call it 'the shop' or something.

today we're getting white widow and blueberry, two of the awesomest weeds i've had.

and i'm gonna get some.

and roll it.

and smoke it up nekkah!!!!!

so i was all excited to go out and dress up this whole weekend...

but i forgot my rockstar partying status has been revoked.

i would actually rather dance, talk with friends, or even chill at home than go to a bar or a party., and yet i keep doing it.

i like waking feeling refreshed, not like i'm gonna die like i felt like i was this morning.

i know i won't quit drinking.

but i'm over it right now.

i would rather save up and plan to go to an underground or rave once a month or something and go all out and have recovery time..

and the rest of the month i will be in hibernation.

smoke, workout, smoke, shower, smoke, work, smoke, smoke smoke, smoke, vaporize, smoke, work, smoke, clean, smoke, bed, dream about smoking.

that will pretty much be it.

i'd really love to have more close friends into the electronic music scene.

i wanted to go to an underground party last night but couldn't convince my company (mike and shawn).

booh on that.

yah so i copped out friday night and i was glad i got the sleep.

and i didn't get my costume til saturday mornin on the way to work...little red riding hood.

luckily i had decent shoes and stockings and shit. i made it work.

so i was all rared up for last night, the 'big party night'.

so after work i was starved but i was all wrapped up in gettin high, gettin ready, and of course it was even harder to get ready fast coz was hungry and couldn't think clearly...

me and shawn were snappin at each other all night.

at one point he flipped up the entire back of my skirt and exposed my ass to him and mike.

i didn't even know who it was, it was just reflex to spin around and slap him.

of course he fliiipped and made comments like 'if you expect me to keep my hands off you you better keep your hands off me'...which of course pissed me off even more...

we were supposed to stop for comida on the way to the far ass carlsbad party.

we didn't. the sombreros shawn thought was on the way wasn't.

so of course we're all bootsy when we arrive.

by the way we couldn't smoke on the way coz shawn forgot the pipe.

we shot the shit, all got drunker, hung out with t, josh ,kristi and nick, met some peeps.

it was a chill vibe. we finally met some potheads and started a circle. a bottle of weed mysteriously disappeared.

teresa (completely sloshed, and of course the hottest girl at the party with her ass hangin out of her rainbow brite costume) triumphantly announced that she made out with a girl last night, and it was hot.

josh is all depressed, i found out last night he and t have had a thing goin,,which surprises me coz she has mentioned nothing. probly because she had the same experience i did with him and doesn't particularly want to bring it up. anyway he's crushin hard, and she's not.

i guess t has a job offer in new york already. i'm sad because i know she's gonna leave me.

yeah, i'm REALLY sad about that.

but then i think of what i'm gonna be doing for the next year.

i won't have time to party like she does.

and it will go by sooooo quickly i won't even think about it.

maybe i can even move into a 3 bedroom with mike and shawn and grow in my room.

it's been really weighing on me, this shawn thing. and he's been walkin around with a big ole raincloud hanging over his head.

i think he knows what's going on now... at least the fact that i feel friendly love for him....he's bummed coz he wants me and only me would make him perfectly happy--if i wanted him the same way.

i'm gonna have a talk with him as soon as possible.

i feel good about that though. i want us to be honest and communicative with each other, and i think we will, and i think we'll be fine.

we love each other too much not to ever see each toher again just because our conventional boyfriend girlfriend relationship is over.

oh yeah and jeremiah emailed me and shawn. it was a sappy one.

all about how he valued our friendship and will always miss us.

i was lke WHAAAAT???

i sent him the mean letters i wrote to him and rachel.