OK, so the past couple months have been a roller coaster.
a big one.
i could feel the changes coming.
i didn't know what or when.
now i know it's happening, but i don't know if i'm at the beginning, eye, or nearing the end of the storm.
i have been having trouble putting my observations and feelings into words lately.
i felt like everything was wrong in my life and i could not figure out what the hell to do.
i felt like i was in a spiritual deadzone.
i wondered what the hell happened to my positive thinking and the uplifting attitude i had been cultivating?
i've been thinking long and hard about "what would make me happy?"
at the same time i've been thinking, stewing, changing, formulating.... big changes are also going on in the heads, hearts and lives of those around me.
for everything there is a season, no?
i feel as if our lives are snow globes that have been shaken.
i am seeing the beauty in the falling pieces as much as i see it in the peaceful future scene.
this week in particular.
i've felt completely lost, then completely vibrant, and back to defeat.
first i was thinking about leaving shawn and how it wouldn't be as hard as i hoped.
at the same time it was obvious about rachel and jason. i started wondering what was going on in jeremiah's head.
did he know about them?
did he know about us?
signs began flashing. in my every thought, in my everyday life.
sometimes you just have to move one obstacle in order for everything else to flow, right?
well, i hit it. the obstacle. it's 'me and shawn'.
as soon as i started thinking about how we aren't meant to be anymore as a couple, the evidence was all here, piling up til i tripped over it.
as soon as i let go of 'me and shawn' in my head, the path to my goals and happiness became clear.
that's why i've been so unhappy!
i've been camping out in front of this roadblock for so long, i had forgotten i wanted to get somewhere!
(by the way, i don't want to leave shawn before i have a job. and i prefer to wait til teresa gets back from new york next week so i have somewhere to go.
at this point in my little drama i wanted to wait til after the halloween rave 'monster massive'....)
while i was having these epiphanes, jeremiah has been having similar.
sunday night i was incredibly down because i had just figured out that my feelings for jeremiah run a lot deeper than i thought. i knew what was going on, i saw how rachel treated him; did he? were they really going to suffer and be together forever?
i had been watching our interactions (the whole group of friends)
i could not deny the electricity between jeremiah and i. just to think of him quickens my pulse and shallows my breathing.
after the torture sunday night, i decided i had to tell him. at first i wanted to confess my undying love, you know how that goes....
i've only felt this chemistry with one other person in my entire life ...five years ago...so i'm as giddy as ever---i actually do still like guys! i actually do still get horny!
BUT with jeremiah it's way more than just sexual tension.
i feel connected to him.... we came from the same source, we're on the same level....and he's an awesome person, i have loved him as a friend for a long time.....
he's one of the four people in my life i feel i can talk to about anything and both of us will benefit from the conversation, and they'll understand me no matter how i come across, and all we want is each others' happiness...
so having just realized not only do i need to get away from shawn (as much as i love him) , i want to be with jeremiah! and i've felt this way for a long time haven't i? i've suppressed it, but with the possibility of them splitting up, it comes to the surface.
so monday i go hang out with rachel and take her to work. i feel the tension between me and j and between them.
i go home, i can't stop shaking, i want this so badly. i remember the last time i tried to talk to him and he totally rejected me and i ran out the door crying.. with him running after me and admitting he just had his guard up.....
but on the other hand, he's my best friend, they aren't happy, she talks shit about him all the time behind his back, .......... i want to talk to him about this issue, see if he sees it, see what he thinks, try to help him....
so i pour out my feelings to the computer screen, print it up, and read it.
i decide i don't want to drop two bombs on him at once.
i text him. he texts me to come over.
i come over.
at first it's the normal tension between us.
then, amazingly, it melts away.
i tell him everything about rachel. i guess i was the only one out of all our friends that ever confronted him about it!!! that alone made it worth going over there. we discuss their relationship, my and shawn's relationship (i've been telling them all about how i want to leave him), our group, our friendship, our friendship vs. others, our life outlook, why we both get depressed....
we just got it all out. there were a few moments where we let down our guard enough to show each other ...'the thing'... you know, the feeeling...
like, we agreed it's different between us than between rachel and jason...but we weren't just talking about our friendship.....we both felt it wasn't appropriate for us to hang out alone, but we both wished we could coz we have good conversation and relate alot.... and i was all, plus it's hard when you have a little crush... and he just gives me this intense look and goes, 'little crush', huh? is that all it is bethany? god i about fainted!
he said 'someday' he'll tell me all about xanax night... with this terrible gleam in his eye...which of course made me think damn, i can totally see you telling me all about this when we're fucking....and i know he was feeling it too...
that's what i love about us. it's all communicated through the subtlest of vibrations, body language, a few well chosen words. to me that's like sex all the time. i love it.
i love that we get these moments where we see the future, and we look up and it's like this silent promise. 'someday....'
okay so i left jeremiah's on cloud fucking nine.
i went to helix and watched the sunset.
i felt like
everything in my life was going to work! it was going to be great! a complete turnaround! i could see everything falling into place perfectly. the answers to my questions about so many things.
then. i went home. i felt the cloud immediately settle back over me as i talked to shawn.
i told him i wanted to move in with teresa when she gets back. i told him i feel it's time for us to go our separate ways. i said i just want us both to be happy, and neither of us are, so what's the point?
he of course turned on the almost tears and the puppy dog pout and told me he wants to be with me still.
even after a discussion of how we don't mesh sexually.
we concluded that we are both stressed out because i haven't found a job yet and he's stressed out because he doesn't have a creative outlet.
so, at the end of that, in my mind, the signs were even clearer that we should split, and in his mind, we're just unhappy because of circumstance and if we can change that we'll be all in love again.
at one point in the conversation, he said, 'i feel like i'm always concerned with your happiness, and so are you.' i was like, you're right. i need to make myself happy and you need to make yourself happy. he just doesn't get that concept!
k so after that we went to jason's. it was the usual crew. no one was having much fun though, and i really think jeremiah and i were the only ones actually aware of the whole situation and the tension between everybody.
eventually, after watching rachel follow jason around, shawn follow me around, and feeling the obvious 'feeling' between us, jeremiah got piiiiisssed and they left. then we left.
the next day (tuesday) was pretty low key. i was depressed all day. i thought t was gone already and i thought jeremiah was working, so i sat at home. i tried to give shawn more attention, which he responded to. he hasn't been so dicky.
then that evening jeremiah askes me if i want to go with him to ob to watch the sunset. !!!!!!!!!!!!
hell yeah i do!
i tell shawn i'm goin to hang out with him while he (shawn) works on jason's car. amazingly, he doesn't care. apparently me and j are very good at keeping our attraction discreet.
soooo we go wattch the sunset. he's still teetering on the 'should i leave her or not' wall. he tells me they had a talk and they're gonna try to make things work. she told him she was distancing herself from jason.
this PISSES me off. i tell him the truth: that she was talking to jason that morning telling him she wanted to move out. he gets PISSED also. he says he's gonna move out. fuck that bitch.
i am SOOO elated. part because he's my good friend and i want him to finally be happy, and i think she's done him wrong.
then i tell him i feel happy but guilty.
he says, 'it's different with us though, isn't it beth'
(than it is between her and jason)
'of course it is'.
that moment means a lot to me.
he decided he was gonna move out the next day, and that he didn't want to go to monster massive.
i told him me and shawn would go wherever he wanted to......(k so after that there was not really any reason for me to stay with shawn, exept i'm broke)
(we talked about how we want to go see our dj friend channel surfer. later i went home and found out his next three shows are here in sd! and he'll put us on the guest list! and shawn can't get in without an id! if that's ot a sign of who's going to be together halloween wekend and who is not, what is?)
we had another revealing, awesome conversation at the beach. we both felt so at peace and happy...
god, the tension! i love it!
at one point he looked at me with that look and said 'is there another girl who will treat me as good as her, better than her?'
i know who he meant.
but in keeping with our little game of subtlety and discression, i replied, with only a little shakiness in my voice, "of course there is, jeremiah. there are lots of girls who would..."
as i said this i grabbed his hoodie strings with one hand and just slightly pulled, sliding my fingers down to the ends, tugging again, and letting go.
i cannot describe how intimate this one gesture felt.
i cannot describe the grin that kept spreading across my face, or how aroused i was just thinking about this later.
i told him he was one of my top four. he told me he's always felt a close connection with me. he said thanks for being his friend....
it felt like we were there together..
for a reason.
i felt soooo at peace!
even at home, trading massages with shawn later, and letting him cuddle me, i felt okay.
everything was gonna be fine.
then wednesday rolls around. feeling pretty good. i call whole foods hillcrest, where i really want to work, and the boss has been out of town. that's why they haven't called. i feel extremely hopeful hearing this. i feel i will get the job, and i shouldn't worry.
i go down to ob to chill with adam, telling shwan i'm applying for jobs in hillcrest.
everything's fine except i know what's going on and i really want to talk to jeremiah , to make sure he's okay, to find out what he's thinking. i had texted him twice, once to tell him he has to read his yahoo horoscope coz they are so right on it's creepy, and one to tell him i'm goin to ob and if he wants to chill or needs help call me.
then i get a message from rachel.
'jeremiah and i are not together. not to hurt you guys's feelings but he doesn't want to be friends with you guys anymore. if you want to be my friend still cool, if not have a nice life..'
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW IN THE FUCK could we have been having those conversations, those moments, and then he tells her he doesn't want to be our friend, and won't call me??????!!!!!!!!?????????????
I freaked out. i was so on edge, and depressed, and confused, and angry, and hurt!
then as i analyzed, i realised he just doesn't want to be friends wth shawn.
he's giving me an out.
he knows shawn won't hang out with me after i leave him, and he doesn't want any tension or to have to choose who to hang out with. now that it's more out in the open between us (the way we feel about each other) he's afraid shawn or someone will know and it will be rachel and jason all over again.
i already knew he just wanted to be friends with me.
i know he likes jimmy p and ian, but i don't know if he's gonna hang out with them separately or if he just wants to dump the whole crew and the drama since no one was telling him the truth.
i feel like it's gonna be TORTURE waiting til i'm safely away from shawn to talk to him.
but i kinda think that's what needs to happen.
that will give him time to sort things out in his head.
and me time to get a job, since that's all that is keeping me with shawn.
so yeah. i'm just going to focus on MY next step. which is obtaining gainful employment.
bring it on, life!
ps. i know there are a lot of spelling and grammar errors, but this doesn't have spell check. also i know i switch between past and present tense a lot. sorry. too lazy to go back and change.
a big one.
i could feel the changes coming.
i didn't know what or when.
now i know it's happening, but i don't know if i'm at the beginning, eye, or nearing the end of the storm.
i have been having trouble putting my observations and feelings into words lately.
i felt like everything was wrong in my life and i could not figure out what the hell to do.
i felt like i was in a spiritual deadzone.
i wondered what the hell happened to my positive thinking and the uplifting attitude i had been cultivating?
i've been thinking long and hard about "what would make me happy?"
at the same time i've been thinking, stewing, changing, formulating.... big changes are also going on in the heads, hearts and lives of those around me.
for everything there is a season, no?
i feel as if our lives are snow globes that have been shaken.
i am seeing the beauty in the falling pieces as much as i see it in the peaceful future scene.
this week in particular.
i've felt completely lost, then completely vibrant, and back to defeat.
first i was thinking about leaving shawn and how it wouldn't be as hard as i hoped.
at the same time it was obvious about rachel and jason. i started wondering what was going on in jeremiah's head.
did he know about them?
did he know about us?
signs began flashing. in my every thought, in my everyday life.
sometimes you just have to move one obstacle in order for everything else to flow, right?
well, i hit it. the obstacle. it's 'me and shawn'.
as soon as i started thinking about how we aren't meant to be anymore as a couple, the evidence was all here, piling up til i tripped over it.
as soon as i let go of 'me and shawn' in my head, the path to my goals and happiness became clear.
that's why i've been so unhappy!
i've been camping out in front of this roadblock for so long, i had forgotten i wanted to get somewhere!
(by the way, i don't want to leave shawn before i have a job. and i prefer to wait til teresa gets back from new york next week so i have somewhere to go.
at this point in my little drama i wanted to wait til after the halloween rave 'monster massive'....)
while i was having these epiphanes, jeremiah has been having similar.
sunday night i was incredibly down because i had just figured out that my feelings for jeremiah run a lot deeper than i thought. i knew what was going on, i saw how rachel treated him; did he? were they really going to suffer and be together forever?
i had been watching our interactions (the whole group of friends)
i could not deny the electricity between jeremiah and i. just to think of him quickens my pulse and shallows my breathing.
after the torture sunday night, i decided i had to tell him. at first i wanted to confess my undying love, you know how that goes....
i've only felt this chemistry with one other person in my entire life ...five years ago...so i'm as giddy as ever---i actually do still like guys! i actually do still get horny!
BUT with jeremiah it's way more than just sexual tension.
i feel connected to him.... we came from the same source, we're on the same level....and he's an awesome person, i have loved him as a friend for a long time.....
he's one of the four people in my life i feel i can talk to about anything and both of us will benefit from the conversation, and they'll understand me no matter how i come across, and all we want is each others' happiness...
so having just realized not only do i need to get away from shawn (as much as i love him) , i want to be with jeremiah! and i've felt this way for a long time haven't i? i've suppressed it, but with the possibility of them splitting up, it comes to the surface.
so monday i go hang out with rachel and take her to work. i feel the tension between me and j and between them.
i go home, i can't stop shaking, i want this so badly. i remember the last time i tried to talk to him and he totally rejected me and i ran out the door crying.. with him running after me and admitting he just had his guard up.....
but on the other hand, he's my best friend, they aren't happy, she talks shit about him all the time behind his back, .......... i want to talk to him about this issue, see if he sees it, see what he thinks, try to help him....
so i pour out my feelings to the computer screen, print it up, and read it.
i decide i don't want to drop two bombs on him at once.
i text him. he texts me to come over.
i come over.
at first it's the normal tension between us.
then, amazingly, it melts away.
i tell him everything about rachel. i guess i was the only one out of all our friends that ever confronted him about it!!! that alone made it worth going over there. we discuss their relationship, my and shawn's relationship (i've been telling them all about how i want to leave him), our group, our friendship, our friendship vs. others, our life outlook, why we both get depressed....
we just got it all out. there were a few moments where we let down our guard enough to show each other ...'the thing'... you know, the feeeling...
like, we agreed it's different between us than between rachel and jason...but we weren't just talking about our friendship.....we both felt it wasn't appropriate for us to hang out alone, but we both wished we could coz we have good conversation and relate alot.... and i was all, plus it's hard when you have a little crush... and he just gives me this intense look and goes, 'little crush', huh? is that all it is bethany? god i about fainted!
he said 'someday' he'll tell me all about xanax night... with this terrible gleam in his eye...which of course made me think damn, i can totally see you telling me all about this when we're fucking....and i know he was feeling it too...
that's what i love about us. it's all communicated through the subtlest of vibrations, body language, a few well chosen words. to me that's like sex all the time. i love it.
i love that we get these moments where we see the future, and we look up and it's like this silent promise. 'someday....'
okay so i left jeremiah's on cloud fucking nine.
i went to helix and watched the sunset.
i felt like
everything in my life was going to work! it was going to be great! a complete turnaround! i could see everything falling into place perfectly. the answers to my questions about so many things.
then. i went home. i felt the cloud immediately settle back over me as i talked to shawn.
i told him i wanted to move in with teresa when she gets back. i told him i feel it's time for us to go our separate ways. i said i just want us both to be happy, and neither of us are, so what's the point?
he of course turned on the almost tears and the puppy dog pout and told me he wants to be with me still.
even after a discussion of how we don't mesh sexually.
we concluded that we are both stressed out because i haven't found a job yet and he's stressed out because he doesn't have a creative outlet.
so, at the end of that, in my mind, the signs were even clearer that we should split, and in his mind, we're just unhappy because of circumstance and if we can change that we'll be all in love again.
at one point in the conversation, he said, 'i feel like i'm always concerned with your happiness, and so are you.' i was like, you're right. i need to make myself happy and you need to make yourself happy. he just doesn't get that concept!
k so after that we went to jason's. it was the usual crew. no one was having much fun though, and i really think jeremiah and i were the only ones actually aware of the whole situation and the tension between everybody.
eventually, after watching rachel follow jason around, shawn follow me around, and feeling the obvious 'feeling' between us, jeremiah got piiiiisssed and they left. then we left.
the next day (tuesday) was pretty low key. i was depressed all day. i thought t was gone already and i thought jeremiah was working, so i sat at home. i tried to give shawn more attention, which he responded to. he hasn't been so dicky.
then that evening jeremiah askes me if i want to go with him to ob to watch the sunset. !!!!!!!!!!!!
hell yeah i do!
i tell shawn i'm goin to hang out with him while he (shawn) works on jason's car. amazingly, he doesn't care. apparently me and j are very good at keeping our attraction discreet.
soooo we go wattch the sunset. he's still teetering on the 'should i leave her or not' wall. he tells me they had a talk and they're gonna try to make things work. she told him she was distancing herself from jason.
this PISSES me off. i tell him the truth: that she was talking to jason that morning telling him she wanted to move out. he gets PISSED also. he says he's gonna move out. fuck that bitch.
i am SOOO elated. part because he's my good friend and i want him to finally be happy, and i think she's done him wrong.
then i tell him i feel happy but guilty.
he says, 'it's different with us though, isn't it beth'
(than it is between her and jason)
'of course it is'.
that moment means a lot to me.
he decided he was gonna move out the next day, and that he didn't want to go to monster massive.
i told him me and shawn would go wherever he wanted to......(k so after that there was not really any reason for me to stay with shawn, exept i'm broke)
(we talked about how we want to go see our dj friend channel surfer. later i went home and found out his next three shows are here in sd! and he'll put us on the guest list! and shawn can't get in without an id! if that's ot a sign of who's going to be together halloween wekend and who is not, what is?)
we had another revealing, awesome conversation at the beach. we both felt so at peace and happy...
god, the tension! i love it!
at one point he looked at me with that look and said 'is there another girl who will treat me as good as her, better than her?'
i know who he meant.
but in keeping with our little game of subtlety and discression, i replied, with only a little shakiness in my voice, "of course there is, jeremiah. there are lots of girls who would..."
as i said this i grabbed his hoodie strings with one hand and just slightly pulled, sliding my fingers down to the ends, tugging again, and letting go.
i cannot describe how intimate this one gesture felt.
i cannot describe the grin that kept spreading across my face, or how aroused i was just thinking about this later.
i told him he was one of my top four. he told me he's always felt a close connection with me. he said thanks for being his friend....
it felt like we were there together..
for a reason.
i felt soooo at peace!
even at home, trading massages with shawn later, and letting him cuddle me, i felt okay.
everything was gonna be fine.
then wednesday rolls around. feeling pretty good. i call whole foods hillcrest, where i really want to work, and the boss has been out of town. that's why they haven't called. i feel extremely hopeful hearing this. i feel i will get the job, and i shouldn't worry.
i go down to ob to chill with adam, telling shwan i'm applying for jobs in hillcrest.
everything's fine except i know what's going on and i really want to talk to jeremiah , to make sure he's okay, to find out what he's thinking. i had texted him twice, once to tell him he has to read his yahoo horoscope coz they are so right on it's creepy, and one to tell him i'm goin to ob and if he wants to chill or needs help call me.
then i get a message from rachel.
'jeremiah and i are not together. not to hurt you guys's feelings but he doesn't want to be friends with you guys anymore. if you want to be my friend still cool, if not have a nice life..'
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW IN THE FUCK could we have been having those conversations, those moments, and then he tells her he doesn't want to be our friend, and won't call me??????!!!!!!!!?????????????
I freaked out. i was so on edge, and depressed, and confused, and angry, and hurt!
then as i analyzed, i realised he just doesn't want to be friends wth shawn.
he's giving me an out.
he knows shawn won't hang out with me after i leave him, and he doesn't want any tension or to have to choose who to hang out with. now that it's more out in the open between us (the way we feel about each other) he's afraid shawn or someone will know and it will be rachel and jason all over again.
i already knew he just wanted to be friends with me.
i know he likes jimmy p and ian, but i don't know if he's gonna hang out with them separately or if he just wants to dump the whole crew and the drama since no one was telling him the truth.
i feel like it's gonna be TORTURE waiting til i'm safely away from shawn to talk to him.
but i kinda think that's what needs to happen.
that will give him time to sort things out in his head.
and me time to get a job, since that's all that is keeping me with shawn.
so yeah. i'm just going to focus on MY next step. which is obtaining gainful employment.
bring it on, life!
ps. i know there are a lot of spelling and grammar errors, but this doesn't have spell check. also i know i switch between past and present tense a lot. sorry. too lazy to go back and change.