God I've been feeling numb lately. I still have a lot of joy in my life, but the things that facilitate that joy, are a little less effective than they have been. What causes this you ask? I'm not entirely sure, but I think I have an idea.
My ex writes me a very long letter after our break up (which was only a few days after halloween) and is waiting for my reply. The letter wasn't at all what I expected- it was mature and brought up a lot of issues that he has within himself that I never thought he would admit to. Just because he wrote it doesn't mean that I am ready to reply to it yet. I can tell that he's getting upset, but my numbness has completely desensitized me to his anguish. Perhaps I need this numbness so I can continue to be strong and not fall into the pattern of our relationship during those four years. I didn't really like the person that I was when I was with him. I was a more reserved, constantly pensive and in wonderment of what he might be thinking of me. The self consciousness is probably my own fault, since it's merely my reaction to him - and I have sole control over that, but I feel that that cannot be entirely true, since I harbor a lot of ill-will due to the way he has treated me in the past. I've actually had my boyfriend say, "I don't even like your style or the way you present yourself". There's always been some excuse for why the series of hurtful things were said - mostly because it's projection due to his own self esteem issues (which were addressed in the letter).
So what am I feeling shitty about?
I want to remain friends since I have a friendship with most of my ex's... I want us to be mature adults, but I'm realizing that he's just not getting it. He wants me in his life as a girlfriend, and that just isn't going to ever happen again. I would be miserable. He wants to talk about a future, but I know in my heart that I would be divorced in a year. I am dreading having to write that letter. I know that after four years, he at least deserves that - though his actions over those four years make me completely reluctant to do it. It would just be easier to forget each other, but I am his first real relationship, so I know that for him, this is an impossibility.
I know that once I write that letter, his perception of me and ultimately his love for me, is forever going to alter. I thought that breaking up with him would lead to this shift in perception, but since it hasn't, I realize that this letter is now going to be the source of his unhappiness. I feel terrible since I don't want to be the source of anyone's pain, let alone someone I loved for four years.
Thinking about it, this is the first time I've really thought about my feelings about the subject. Sure, I've bitched to friends about how badly he's treated me in the past, and how unbalanced the relationship has been - but I haven't REALLY looked inside myself for how it makes me feel.
I suppose I'm just saddened by it all. I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possibly, especially considering the fact that all of November I've been dreading the beginning of December. On the third of this month, it will be the nine year anniversary of the death of my father, which is enough to deal with. Christmas is always bitter-sweet. This is the first time I have cried since the break up. It's all coming to a head, which is what I wanted, because in my opinion, its much better than being numb. I just want it to all pour out, so I can try and get back to life as usual. Move forward. Make some changes.
I created some new collages tonight in an effort to distract myself and ultimately keep my hands busy so they didn't call him. I knew what would come if I called him - a big discussion about shit I'm just not ready to open up to him about yet. I know I need to write this letter soon, and I suppose while I'm feeling so emotionally open and "in touch" with my heart, it would be a good time to do it.
Here are the collages at least:
Anguish makes me create some really weird shit.
On a lighter note, I stopped by my friend's vintage shop, and he is going to talk to the owner and see if I can use her apparel in exchange for website photographs. I have to get my portfolio together so I don't just look like "some asshole with a camera". I already have a model lined up, albeit, I need a model release signed by her parents because she's 17. But she's quirky and awkward- in a really great way. I'm at least excited about that endeavor.
Additionally, I'm getting a cat this weekend. I'm pretty sure I have found the cat that I want. Extremely friendly and climbed into my lap to be petted within the first 30 seconds of meeting him. I know its difficult for them to adopt out cats that are older (he's 8) so I think I'm doing the right thing. I can't wait to have a furry roommate. Here he is (I might change his name to Dr. Chim Richalds):
Viel Gluck auf mich.
My ex writes me a very long letter after our break up (which was only a few days after halloween) and is waiting for my reply. The letter wasn't at all what I expected- it was mature and brought up a lot of issues that he has within himself that I never thought he would admit to. Just because he wrote it doesn't mean that I am ready to reply to it yet. I can tell that he's getting upset, but my numbness has completely desensitized me to his anguish. Perhaps I need this numbness so I can continue to be strong and not fall into the pattern of our relationship during those four years. I didn't really like the person that I was when I was with him. I was a more reserved, constantly pensive and in wonderment of what he might be thinking of me. The self consciousness is probably my own fault, since it's merely my reaction to him - and I have sole control over that, but I feel that that cannot be entirely true, since I harbor a lot of ill-will due to the way he has treated me in the past. I've actually had my boyfriend say, "I don't even like your style or the way you present yourself". There's always been some excuse for why the series of hurtful things were said - mostly because it's projection due to his own self esteem issues (which were addressed in the letter).
So what am I feeling shitty about?
I want to remain friends since I have a friendship with most of my ex's... I want us to be mature adults, but I'm realizing that he's just not getting it. He wants me in his life as a girlfriend, and that just isn't going to ever happen again. I would be miserable. He wants to talk about a future, but I know in my heart that I would be divorced in a year. I am dreading having to write that letter. I know that after four years, he at least deserves that - though his actions over those four years make me completely reluctant to do it. It would just be easier to forget each other, but I am his first real relationship, so I know that for him, this is an impossibility.
I know that once I write that letter, his perception of me and ultimately his love for me, is forever going to alter. I thought that breaking up with him would lead to this shift in perception, but since it hasn't, I realize that this letter is now going to be the source of his unhappiness. I feel terrible since I don't want to be the source of anyone's pain, let alone someone I loved for four years.
Thinking about it, this is the first time I've really thought about my feelings about the subject. Sure, I've bitched to friends about how badly he's treated me in the past, and how unbalanced the relationship has been - but I haven't REALLY looked inside myself for how it makes me feel.
I suppose I'm just saddened by it all. I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possibly, especially considering the fact that all of November I've been dreading the beginning of December. On the third of this month, it will be the nine year anniversary of the death of my father, which is enough to deal with. Christmas is always bitter-sweet. This is the first time I have cried since the break up. It's all coming to a head, which is what I wanted, because in my opinion, its much better than being numb. I just want it to all pour out, so I can try and get back to life as usual. Move forward. Make some changes.
I created some new collages tonight in an effort to distract myself and ultimately keep my hands busy so they didn't call him. I knew what would come if I called him - a big discussion about shit I'm just not ready to open up to him about yet. I know I need to write this letter soon, and I suppose while I'm feeling so emotionally open and "in touch" with my heart, it would be a good time to do it.
Here are the collages at least:
Anguish makes me create some really weird shit.
On a lighter note, I stopped by my friend's vintage shop, and he is going to talk to the owner and see if I can use her apparel in exchange for website photographs. I have to get my portfolio together so I don't just look like "some asshole with a camera". I already have a model lined up, albeit, I need a model release signed by her parents because she's 17. But she's quirky and awkward- in a really great way. I'm at least excited about that endeavor.
Additionally, I'm getting a cat this weekend. I'm pretty sure I have found the cat that I want. Extremely friendly and climbed into my lap to be petted within the first 30 seconds of meeting him. I know its difficult for them to adopt out cats that are older (he's 8) so I think I'm doing the right thing. I can't wait to have a furry roommate. Here he is (I might change his name to Dr. Chim Richalds):
Viel Gluck auf mich.
I'm really sorry about your dad. My grandma passed away right before Thanksgiving and this year was the second anniversary. It's hard.
I really like that first collage you made!
I hope you get your kitty. That's so awesome that you're willing to take an older cat. They do have such a hard time finding homes for them and they're usually some of the sweetest and most mellow!!