Another person dissapointed me this week. I am truely loosing all hope that the majority of human beings can be good at heart. Maintaining friendships is not as easy as it sounds. Do you know why? Because people suck! A close friend that I've known for about 10yrs just told me he never wants to speak to me agian. He fucked up and he's blaming me when I did nothing wrong. And you know, I kind of expected more out of him. But really, I'm not all that hurt, I just feel dissapointed. There is another person who will never understand me, or even give a shit. Another person with disgustingly low charactor. And this is not the first time that someone has stoped talking to me, I'm beginning to feel pretty jaded. On two seperate occasions two women that I had become close to bailed on me right after I told them my dirty little secret. (which is really just more weird and sad than dirty) My daughter's biological father is my father. My dad got me pregnant at 15yrs old. Why am i telling everyone this? Because I just don't give a shit anymore. But the question that i pose to you is this... Why would both of them shortly after hearing this completly stop talking to me, not return my phone calls? When we had become close friends and i was just trying to be open with them. My current best friend whom I've known for a long time, does not know. I just know that he wouldn't understand and I don't want that weirdness in our relationship. But I find that all relationships are like this. Holding back part of myself because they wouldn't understand. My family for example. Well, actualy just my sister amber, because the rest of my family I don't really get along with, nor respect. Ok so, Amber, I have known her all my life and i still haven't told her that i'm bi or that I'm an athiest. She wouldn't understand, she is a strong christian and i pretend to be a christian when I'm around her... how degrading is that??! Not being honest with people about who I am makes me feel disgusted and incredibly upset. I feel like no one thinks the way i think, like there is no true friend material out there. i don't know, today is a weird day, i'll talk more on this subject a little later.
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It's when we release our most painful secrets that we need our loved ones the most. I'm very sorry that these people could not find it within themselves to accept the reality of the situation and be a friend to you, but people have a lot of difficulty with anything outside of their sphere of normality. Maybe they'll come around. I'm also always here to chat . . . for what it's worth from strange, disembodied internet weirdos like me and SailorFrank, we're here for you, baby!
(Wait, you and Frank are both in Texas . . . maybe you know each other and I'm the only disembodied weirdo here . . .)
In related news, I also told someone recently that I didn't want to talk to her anymore after I was hurt by something she did . . . then I realized what a stupid asshole I was being and recanted. We're all capable of being fucktards (as Clint Eastwood noted in Unforgiven . . ."We've all got it comin', kid"), but hopefully the best of us can see it when it happens and be man enough to admit our mistakes. In my situation, I don't know anymore who was wrong or who was right, and maybe neither was and maybe it doesn't even matter. People who care about each other should be good to each other. At the end of things, we need each other, and that's the way of the world.
-T
Cent 1: If your dad is NOT in prison for what he did to you, he SHOULD be.
Cent 2: You"re in Texas. You can't live your life the way you want it in Texas. OK, I'm given to understand that Austin is a cool place to live. The only problem with Austin is, it's surrounded by Texas. If it's at all possible, get out of Texas!