So it has been another sleepless night for me so far. And you know sleepless nights are when you seem to think the most. So the last few nights, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Love, life, work, school, my future, my past. All have been on my mind
As of today, I have been single for 1 year and 5 months. Am I lonely? Very much so. Do I let it get me down? No I try not to, but sometimes loneliness creeps up on you. In the moments where you wish that someone was there to cuddle you, to play with your hair, to smile at you and make you believe even for just a moment that everything would be fine. I miss feeling loved and I miss loving someone. Time has been cruel to me in terms of relationships, as it has been to many others. I've been lied to, cheated on, abused and used, why? All because I care to much for people and believe they can be more than they think. In some cases it can be true, in others not so much but i still tend to hold out hope for them to a point where it pains me to put on a smile when I know nothing with them will ever be better and they will never reach the level they know they can reach because they are scared. Many times, I've been put behind because of others fears to be loved and to be in love. Feeling aren't scared, you just have to embrace them because they will never go away. I try to see my long time single status as waiting for the right guy to come along but sometimes you just lose faith in that. Do I hope the right guy comes along soon? Hell yeah! but will he? Who knows. Take the cards as they are dealt.
I've been in a battle with life recently. It has been really dealing me shit card lately and I've been fighting to keep standing through it all. I might be losing two of my best friends in the whole world to two different kinds of cancer and I haven't been dealing with it well. My brother is sick, he is as close to me as a twin being we are only 14 months apart. When I first moved to Ontario everything turned itself around for the better. But since 2013, it's fallen back to a place I didn't want to go back to place I never wanted to go back to. I've slipped into a depression that I might not get back out of if everything keeps going the way it is. I lost all my friends when I moved so my support system is failing and I have no one to turn to with anything.
I've been trying so hard to remain normal and strong for those who need me, even though I can't even be strong for myself. I've given up so much in my life, I've given my all to people who didn't deserve it and now I have left myself with nothing. Not once bit of strength to hold back the tears at night, to ignore the nightmares. No strength to find my own happiness in the world.
Some say love is not for sinners, but if you have been a saint, love still takes it's sweet ass time finding you. I'm not claiming to be a saint or a sinner, I've done my fair share of both. Life gave me tastes of what love might be, but has yet to grace me with the real thing. I wonder, when will my time come to find someone who will fall madly in love with me and I with them? When will I be strong enough to find my happiness again and laugh that life couldn't bring me down? I will never find out the answers to these questions until the time has shown itself to me.
With that, I will return to my sleeplessness in bed. Goodnight SuicidePeople. Thanks for reading if you made it to the bottom.
As of today, I have been single for 1 year and 5 months. Am I lonely? Very much so. Do I let it get me down? No I try not to, but sometimes loneliness creeps up on you. In the moments where you wish that someone was there to cuddle you, to play with your hair, to smile at you and make you believe even for just a moment that everything would be fine. I miss feeling loved and I miss loving someone. Time has been cruel to me in terms of relationships, as it has been to many others. I've been lied to, cheated on, abused and used, why? All because I care to much for people and believe they can be more than they think. In some cases it can be true, in others not so much but i still tend to hold out hope for them to a point where it pains me to put on a smile when I know nothing with them will ever be better and they will never reach the level they know they can reach because they are scared. Many times, I've been put behind because of others fears to be loved and to be in love. Feeling aren't scared, you just have to embrace them because they will never go away. I try to see my long time single status as waiting for the right guy to come along but sometimes you just lose faith in that. Do I hope the right guy comes along soon? Hell yeah! but will he? Who knows. Take the cards as they are dealt.
I've been in a battle with life recently. It has been really dealing me shit card lately and I've been fighting to keep standing through it all. I might be losing two of my best friends in the whole world to two different kinds of cancer and I haven't been dealing with it well. My brother is sick, he is as close to me as a twin being we are only 14 months apart. When I first moved to Ontario everything turned itself around for the better. But since 2013, it's fallen back to a place I didn't want to go back to place I never wanted to go back to. I've slipped into a depression that I might not get back out of if everything keeps going the way it is. I lost all my friends when I moved so my support system is failing and I have no one to turn to with anything.
I've been trying so hard to remain normal and strong for those who need me, even though I can't even be strong for myself. I've given up so much in my life, I've given my all to people who didn't deserve it and now I have left myself with nothing. Not once bit of strength to hold back the tears at night, to ignore the nightmares. No strength to find my own happiness in the world.
Some say love is not for sinners, but if you have been a saint, love still takes it's sweet ass time finding you. I'm not claiming to be a saint or a sinner, I've done my fair share of both. Life gave me tastes of what love might be, but has yet to grace me with the real thing. I wonder, when will my time come to find someone who will fall madly in love with me and I with them? When will I be strong enough to find my happiness again and laugh that life couldn't bring me down? I will never find out the answers to these questions until the time has shown itself to me.
With that, I will return to my sleeplessness in bed. Goodnight SuicidePeople. Thanks for reading if you made it to the bottom.
And don't hold in all the tears, that's where killer mad headaches come from.