pumpkineater

running away, who's running away?!
where have you gone, by the by?

i'm catching up with destiny in the next couple of days.

I'm definitely not stuck. I'm heading out somewhere. Just trying to figure out where.

That commercial is adorable. But I still hate Oreos.

You know I really do like to fight. I thought I would grow out of it. But I haven't. I enjoy it. I really do.

i used to think i was oblivious to weather ... but i feel so GOOD this week, i know i was lyin before

you take small steps to reclaim yourself. the first one is the toughest. but it gets easier after that. you just can't lose faith that you can be better than what you are.

hell, i feel the same way. i've been feeling the same way for years. and i have been waiting. until one day i realized i had to make the change myself. or itherwisw i'd be waiting forever. so i'm trying. real hard. to go forward.

small steps. but at least i'm moving.

more later. after coffee.
much love.
-Hyena.

Difficult is an understatement. I think what makes it worse is that the women in my family (not that there are very many, which is part of the problem) tend to be very meek and complacent. Which I am just, not. I never have been and that is and has been at the heart of my continuous clashes with my father.

When I feel like that, I pack up and leave, start over. I am not saying it is actually a good thing. And it may not be feasible for you. But it is what I do. Only advice I have.

I used to relish in the misfortune of others and I think it was in fact because I had stopped feeling pain. I thought I was emotionally invincible. When I found out I was wrong I started to realize how many people I had hurt and I stopped. Tough way to grow, though.

i havent seen garden state. i've been told that i should, though.

hey, thanks for the kind words,

which lolita movie did you like?

stop by again some time.

I try to avoid spitting loogies and the farmer's blow, but, I will confess to the later on occasion. I try to be discreet about it.

I am all too familiar with the emotional mask and the feeling that you do not belong. I don't feel that way as often as I used to, but, when I do, I don't really have anyone to trust. Not anymore. I wish I still did. I envy that you do.

Hey there...it's been a while.
Hope that you're doing okay!
Have a good Tuesday!

gods. last night every dog in the neighborhood was going nuts. for hours on end. i blame ghosts. or some imminent disaster that they can sense and i can't. because i need more irrational, non-existant worries in my life.

i have to come back and give an actual thought-out reply to you're entry. it's just not in me right now.

much love. talk later.
-Hyena.

hey i miss you its wierd when i read your journals at random they are usauly very random entries its funny i had a dream last night that made me want to kill myself when i woke up that ever happen to you ha but anyways i was in a mental hospital and in the world there was this couple that always got away from the cops and so if anyone was caught talking to them and not trying to get them into custody could be arrested to so my job was to do the laundry and shit and they were living in the laundry room so i would hang out with them all the time but one day one of the staff came down and so i freaked out cause i was gonna go to jail but then he turned into this beutful freak with tatoos all over hhmmmm and we walked away into this locker room with pink floyd posters everywhere and i fell in love and he was really shy and scared and defensive and shit it was really cute and then we started to have sex and then i woke up with cumm all over my pants ha ha and then i wanted to go to sleep again but i couldn't i just got really depressed but maybe that ill hook up with staff at job corp ha and will listen to pink floyd or something right ha ok anyways call me bitch

ha ha, best dream ever!

thank you!

i wish i had something important to say, but i cant think of anything.

the short answer: no.

the long answer: happy isn't really what i strive for. it's a chemical high. it's not real. you can imagine some highschool psuedo-philospher looking up from his neizche book and sneering this, if you want. it sounds ridiculous and pompous. and it sounds bitter. i mean, why wouldn't you want to be happy? but there are better words for it. or better words at least for what i want to feel. i'd rather be productive, prolithic, proactive; i'd rather feel like there are things to look forward to than feel like i've reached that peek. i reckon i equate happiness with contentedness. and i equate content with not wanting to better one's self, not wanting more for one's self. if i ever feel like i'm living out my best days, or my best days are behind me, i figure i might as well be dead.

fear is an odd thing. it can be a motivator, or it can make you freeze up and do nothing. i suppose it depends on the person, or on what you fear.

right now i'm frozen up.
-Hyena.

Hey there...thanks for the e-mail...just stopping in to say a quick hello and to check up on you all.
Talk to you soon!