hexxus

oook here goes.

some people asked me after reading previous blog so i figured i might as well just post it here.

ill warn you now this is the life story.

i was a drug baby born two months early. my birth weight was 2 pounds 7 ounces.
at five months old i was severely shaken by my biological father to the point of unconsciousness, then thrown back into my crib.
i suffered bilateral subdural hematomas, retinal hemorrhaging, and retinal detachment.
when my biological mother came home she freaked out and took me to the ER
i was removed form said family and put into care. bio father did five years (i think) jail time.
both bio parents are at fault. bio mother left a drugged out father at home to care for an irritable drug baby with no food or diapers.
i was put into foster care a couple days later and was placed with a great family. after about 3 or 4 weeks, my foster mother took me to the docs office early. she says i was a smiley baby but she could tell i was in immense pain formt he look in my eyes. (she said that today) the nurse at the hospital told her the doctor wasnt in and to come back at her scheduled appointment in two weeks. she said no. (this is when i am SO thankful she is a stubborn bull headed woman! lol) so that went back and forth a few times with my foster mother even calling her husband and requesting a change of clothes and a sleeping back and pillow, so she could sleep over in the lobby. lol
the nurse relented and called the doctor in. he took a quick look, flashed a light in my eyes and such, and then looked at her and asked, how quick can you get her to portland??
so, i was rushed to PDX that evening and taken the Doernbeckers childrens hospital.
the doctor there took a look and said i had gotten there in the knick of time. he said i would have had severe brain damage within 12 hours, and dead withing 24.
*sigh*
foster mother, knowing ho things usually go, requested the doctor do whatever he could to relieve the pressure (from brain bleed) without putting in brain shunts. he agreed.
so, i had 4 holes drilled in my skull
i have two good sized dents in my head right here:



and im sure ive got some pretty good scars in the back where the other holes were.
if i part my hair a certain way you can see scars in front.
cant really see very well but theres one



and back to story. foster mom said i smiled throughout the whole thing. just like Ahhhh that feels great!
which im sure it did.. she was there and said i was like a geyser of blood and fluid shooting out of my head.
im sure that was quite the sight.
as for another scar that some in the past have thought it a third nipple...

its not.
it is just how i healed from where my bio fathers thumbnail had dug into my ribs.
was in the hospital for about a week before going home again with foster family.
skip ahead a couple years.
at age 3 i lived with my bio parents for 18 months. i forgot everything i knew about counting, i didnt sing anymore, and i didnt know my abcs anymore.
the first thing i did after returning to foster family was yell do not touch my im filthy i need a bath dont ever make me go to that palce again!
this is a 4.5 year old.
i never did go back.
i was adopted by the same family when i was 8. best decision i ever made.
adoptive father passed away last year as many of you know.
im not sure what it is i am supposed to do with my life but one thing i plan on doing is going to the shaken baby convention the next time they have it. i am an extremely lucky case. my case was 20.5 years ago. TODAY 25% die, and 80% have severe brain damage.
i have screwed up vision and some memory trouble.
my mum (adoptive) contacted the national center on shaken baby syndrome and they said that they dont have many survivors.
so i think it would be kinda neat in a way to go there and help spread the word.
my brain is kinda mush now. i cant really think of anything else.. lol.

my mum is very thankful i am here. she things maybe thats one reason why i'm here and that she is the one who saved me. she would be going through absolute HELL the past year. she calls me her brick. cause i have always been a constant in her life. have always been strong.
made me cry the first time she said that.

i may not be doing a ton with my life at the present. but in many ways, i am a success.

i have recently gotten in contact with my biological siblings. i have two. one is an older sister who is a year older than me.. we have an insane amount of things in common..
a week or so ago i got in contact with my bio bro(three years younger than me). he is 18 now.

both of them got away from the parents as soon as they could. neither in the best way but they are both clean and/or in the process.

i see my biological parents every now and then. they dont recognize me.
most recent one was bio mother at the local grocery store on my 21st birthday. it was in the freezer aisle. lol
last time i saw my bio father was a good few years ago. 3 or so. he was outside frred meyer. lol
i do not care to know either of them.

something my mum has said recently is that neither of them have ever apologized for what they did.
i did not realize that previously but she is right. its not like i expect an apology, but still..

im still living with the few consequences i have.
and there is nothing more that can be done about them.
i hardly use my right eye.
possible later in life it will literally be useless.
to demonstrate vision in right eye... my computer screen is about a foot and a half away.
i can harldy read size 72 font. i can only see it when i look to the side of it. if i look directly at anything it pretty much just disappears.
thats with my glasses btw..
without...yeah... haha... hopeless..

if you made it all the way to the end, i hope it didnt bore you too much..