I've been kinda out of it lately...
detached from reality.
I work, I sleep, i work out...
Occasionally I go out and do stuff.
It's Spring, and the people are back to wearing skimpy clothes...
I hate it. It goes against all my principals to look...but I can't help it.
Deep down inside is the animal...the beast that just wants to fuck everything with a vagina.
And I HATE it!
I hate feeling that superficial "she's hot" feeling. I hate walking down the road and thinking "Wow, I'd bang her..."
And I hate how I want to belong. How I want to be seen as sexy. How I want someone to think those things about me.
I hate our society, where the media tries to tell us beauty can only be found on a magazine, and yet I support it by reading those magazines and drooling over the people who perpetuate the cycle.
As much as I have longed for sexual contact lately...or "the animal within" has, my overwhelming need for female companionship has seemed to outgrow that urge.
Someone to sit around philosphizing with. Talking about this and that. Someone to play video games with. Someone to go for a walk with. Lay on the grass and stare at the sky.
Yeah, I have male friends, but it's not the same.
Someone who loves me.
Someone to curl up next to and watch tv, or a movie...then talk about the movie after.
I am an odd machine. I want to fully open up to someone and be accepted, and yet every time I try to, something screams "Danger...run" and causes me to fuck it up.
It's like I am forcing myself to be alone...just to avoid getting hurt.
Do I not realize that being lonely hurts?
My gym membership...
am I doing it for my health, like I have convinced myself I am...
or am I doing it to try to reach that stupid goal of having someone think I am sexy?
I don't think anyone has every REALLY been attracted to me physically...
which almost makes it feel like all the physical intimacy I have had is a lie...
Hell, my last girlfriend's type was tall, pale and skinny guys. That is what she is attracted to.
I am the EXACT opposite. Short and round. I am pale, but still...
Was she attracted to me physically?
I'm not sure.
Yeah, we had sex, but does that necessarily mean she was attracted to me?
And why does this shit even matter to me?
It's fucking trivial...and yet I am putting so much emphasis on it.
WHY?
-KOS
detached from reality.
I work, I sleep, i work out...
Occasionally I go out and do stuff.
It's Spring, and the people are back to wearing skimpy clothes...
I hate it. It goes against all my principals to look...but I can't help it.
Deep down inside is the animal...the beast that just wants to fuck everything with a vagina.
And I HATE it!
I hate feeling that superficial "she's hot" feeling. I hate walking down the road and thinking "Wow, I'd bang her..."
And I hate how I want to belong. How I want to be seen as sexy. How I want someone to think those things about me.
I hate our society, where the media tries to tell us beauty can only be found on a magazine, and yet I support it by reading those magazines and drooling over the people who perpetuate the cycle.
As much as I have longed for sexual contact lately...or "the animal within" has, my overwhelming need for female companionship has seemed to outgrow that urge.
Someone to sit around philosphizing with. Talking about this and that. Someone to play video games with. Someone to go for a walk with. Lay on the grass and stare at the sky.
Yeah, I have male friends, but it's not the same.
Someone who loves me.
Someone to curl up next to and watch tv, or a movie...then talk about the movie after.
I am an odd machine. I want to fully open up to someone and be accepted, and yet every time I try to, something screams "Danger...run" and causes me to fuck it up.
It's like I am forcing myself to be alone...just to avoid getting hurt.
Do I not realize that being lonely hurts?
My gym membership...
am I doing it for my health, like I have convinced myself I am...
or am I doing it to try to reach that stupid goal of having someone think I am sexy?
I don't think anyone has every REALLY been attracted to me physically...
which almost makes it feel like all the physical intimacy I have had is a lie...
Hell, my last girlfriend's type was tall, pale and skinny guys. That is what she is attracted to.
I am the EXACT opposite. Short and round. I am pale, but still...
Was she attracted to me physically?
I'm not sure.
Yeah, we had sex, but does that necessarily mean she was attracted to me?
And why does this shit even matter to me?
It's fucking trivial...and yet I am putting so much emphasis on it.
WHY?
-KOS