Sunday Oct 02, 2011

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I got my new tattoo finaly! I posted a few pics~ I'm very in love with it, but shy about it also since it's so personal
I thought I'd be a lot more willing to show it off, but I'm actually not comfortable with the attention shocked

Anyway love

whatever

Friday Sep 30, 2011

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Just got back from the new tattoo!
A few days of healing and I can post a really good pic

This will probably be my last tattoo for a very long while, as it's so symbolic of my new life I can't wait to show it off, my artist did a wonderful job as always very satisfied and excited for new life to...
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Wednesday Sep 28, 2011

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You know what's frustrating? Having a photographic memory(which I do, obviously, or there wouldn't be a case for frustration shocked ). Can you guess why it's frustrating? There are several reasons:

1. I seem to understand things much easier and quicker than everyone else my age (because I remember every detail of what happens when I want to, and can look back on...
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Tuesday Sep 27, 2011

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I finally feel content with my appearance, and my lifestyle somewhat.
I finally feel like I'm not denying who I am anymore, and expressing that is slowly improving my self-image...

Even despite that though, these last two days though I've been in a horrible state of depression, the like of which I haven't experienced for months. I just feel so... incredibly lonely...
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tapescratcher:

It's interesting how that happens after a while. My last breakup left me feeling like the whole thing failing was my fault, that I wasn't there enough, or I was an asshole, all this unwarranted guilt and overbearing self-blame. She never even said much to reinforce those feelings, and generally explained our life goals just had too many disparities. But I had to go telling myself I was the bad guy. I was a crappy boyfriend...

I completely fell apart and lost it seeing my ex get with someone new a few months after our breakup. The split itself wasn't even as bad as hearing she'd moved on. I had massive feelings of inadequacy, and it landed me in a loony bin for about a week since I wasn't eating or sleeping, and the pain was effecting me physically. I went through a long breakdown, therapists, meds, and lots of hiding from the world.

I would see tagged photos of her online and feel it like a knife in my gut. I'd hear her name and instantly the conversation would become loaded. I was fine as long as I heard no mention of her. Then, the strangest thing happened... I saw her with her new man, at a club one night, a tiny, claustrophobic place where I couldn't even avoid seeing the two of them, and I felt NOTHING.

It was like all the bad stuff just switched off. It took me a while to completely understand how this happened, this numbness... just complete indifference to the sight of her and her man.

I think it boiled down to their body language. They didn't seem all that affectionate. I may have been misreading things completely, but it looked like what I experienced with her on alot of levels. Like they were becoming distant. Either way, it was able to tune their presence out, and I've been healing alot since that encounter. I needed to see that.

I didn't so much take satisfaction in what I saw, as I saw a reflection of what things REALLY were between her and I, rather than how I was choosing to remember things. Neither of us were happy, and part of me had been clinging to this idea I only had to be a better person to make it work.

This whole feeling of "he's better than me", or "he's a nicer guy with more going for him" vanished, seeing that he almost seemed bored with her, although that may just have been my impression. I was also surrounded by supportive friends who encouraged me not to be a pussy and leave the club because of her. She, herself left early and her guy stuck around for about an hour. Drama did have to be avoided that night with some douchey drunk kid who kept trying to pick fights with me, but pretty goth boys are usually all talk, lol. I remember coming home feeling like I'd had a real victory over my depression, as well as my anger, and realized I had good friends who were actually worried about me after the split. It was a very welcome relief after months of moping and feeling like nobody gave a shit, lol. I really felt like everyone was judging me and looking down on me for a while there.

Thursday Sep 15, 2011

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God it's so uncomfortable finding out how small minded the people close to you can be. And I don't mean small minded as in stupid or racist or anything like that, but in the sense that their universe is very small, and their thoughts are stuck inside useless ideologies that only surround daily life.

When you live with your parents, don't have...
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kellykink:

Get away go on a vaca girl....i know how you feel. Small town blues frown

tapescratcher:

Indeed... it's nice not to swelter, I actually have energy alluva sudden!

Tuesday Sep 13, 2011

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I just got my art and all my old journals in the mail!!!! I'm scanning all the photos now (I just started) and hopefully I'll have an album up soon biggrin

I also got the box of all my old letters I've been saving since I was 7- I'm so happy! love

The phrase "You can't know where you're going until...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
batty378:

Haha, yea it's like thousands of adventures hidden away wink

tapescratcher:

Great to hear! Post pics!

Tuesday Sep 13, 2011

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Sometimes I wonder if we could still be happy together, despite everything. It feels like it would be so easy..I wish I could just sit back and love you, pretend to be happy and let all my little problems be fixed. Could we do that, despite everything? It would be so easy..
Maybe.. but maybe it's the vodka talking..
When I'm with...
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tapescratcher:

As well as too young, articulate and pretty to drive yourself mad with regrets. But there's nothing stupid about it. It's only natural to feel crappy about any breakup, no matter how badly matched the relationship. Now go find yourself a hot redhead goth girl, my guess is the Bay Area ain't sufferin' from any shortage thereof wink

batty378:

Haha, wow that was really uplifting smile

Sunday Sep 11, 2011

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I got to see all of my old art today, for the first time in two years.

It's amazing, I can't even describe what I feel accept for hopeful and happy, for once in a long time. It's like I can reconnect with my past and the person that I used to be, and as a result I can see the person...
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VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
batty378:

Thanks for being the first to suggest it, haha smile
I'm really excited to get it, and I was actually told just a couple hours ago that it was sent today- so with luck I'll have a whole album soon to show off my style, haha.
I work mostly in a mix of surreal and abstract concepts, with a lot of graphic influence. I'm obsessed with ink, and watercolors, though I don't paint as much as I'd like. I never feel satisfied, and oils just aren't inspiring- too much set up to be passionate. It's not as accomplished as it sounds I still have a lot of ground to cover before I become masterful.

I can feel your pain a little bit, but not how amazing it must have been to have people return your work, what a blessing!
How long have you been sculpting for? I've done a few small pieces myself, mostly surreal inspirations in the heat of the moment, but nothing that took a huge length of time.

tapescratcher:

I have been at it seriously now for a bit over 10 years. I began taking classes in '01, after I realizing as much as I like working with technology, the fields of graphic design, animation, etc., were really saturated and competitive. When I discovered the joy of welding, I immediately knew I wanted to pursue sculpture as my main focus. I have had a little success with selling pieces, I'm currently brainstorming ways I can crank out work more consistently and make it available to people on a budget. The trick is having a schedule.

Yeah, I love working with ink, having grown up on comic books and wanting to draw them as a kid, lol. I still have an itch to give it a shot at some point. I do alot of work with stencils and spraypaint. One thing I am really, really excited about, now that I have time and budget for it, is to do some murals for my house. I have been wanting to get started for 5 years, but more practical, boring home projects had to take precedence. I'm planning to use a projector to trace a giant transfer on my wall with sharpie markers. I can't wait to get started smile

I've no doubt had other tragedies with art... pieces have been vandalized at gallery showings, I've had work damaged or lost during moves, and I've had pieces that just fell apart over the years due to poor choice of materials or half-assed construction, lol. I've learned it's part of the whole process. It's gotten me to a point where, if I can make something once, I can usually do it again, as long as the materials are on hand.