ameridactyle

I just took a shit and lost 3 pounds. Isn't that fascinating?

I thought about going to the beach recently but I live nowhere near the beach.
Besides, I haven't been to the beach since the synchronized swimming team drowned.
It was tragic but beautiful.
Apparently, the leader got a cramp and they were pretty hardcore.

If you're gonna be on the river this summer, don't smoke. I was tubing this past weekend and got pulled over by a cop on a speed boat. Apparently, smoking on a river with water all around you was a violation of the local burn ban and I received a citation. Later that night in my hotel room located in the same city I received...
Read More

I hate it when my need to urinate outweighs my need to stay in bed...

An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie.
You liked it at the time but you don't wanna see it again.
Especially if the movie was kind of a bitch.

I don't know why
but people always like to show me pictures of their kids.
But whenever I hand them a picture of me
to show to their kids,
they look at me weird.
Is that not a 2-way road?

I got a new girlfriend and she's great.
She told me a small penis shouldn't matter in a loving relationship.
I still wish she didn't have one...

I went out clubbing the other night. Didn't get any.
Those baby seals are fast...