8spiders

...and so it goes.

I have work now. It pays well. Well enough that I won't be poor anymore, which is a weird feeling.

I grew up poor as shit and I've been living my life to the bare minimum. Scraping by, making due and keeping my bills paid with myself out of debt but not much else to show.

Now, suddenly, I'm thinking about buying a 400 dollar cell phone. How fucking retarded is that? What the fuck do I need a 400 dollar cell phone for.

I thought I'd die poor and not give two shits about it, because that was my life and I've never apologized for anything: Everything falls apart.

With every punch I had to roll. Every hammer fall I had to avoid the strike. Now... what am I?

This is what I get. All those crazy times and crazy women, days where I'd have to choose buying a pack of cigarettes over eating. And now I just want everything to be stable.

I don't want to have to worry about rent.

I don't want to have to worry about what shit some crazy friends will pull next.

And I don't want a girl that will turn over on me and yell and scream over something I never did, or take cigarettes to her arms, or put speed up her nose.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good times. This... chaos, I've thrived off it for so long with its erratic swings from good to bad. But it caused me to have my final breakdown, where I almost lost my shit.

Put my hand through a mirror. Bawled my fucking eyes out over some broad that never deserved it. Almost destroyed the friendship that meant the most to me. The list goes on...

I just want everything to be stable. I just want everything to make sense. Because if it doesn't I'll fall off that edge I've always danced on...

But I keep wondering if I'm going to lose myself completely. I think I may have to, I think I need to be someone else now...