7deuce

I try not to post a whole lot of personal stuff about how i am feeling and what not in my journal. i sometimes post "smiley faces" to show what kind of mood i'm in but other than that i just try not to use this space for venting my feelings. i know not many people want to read it and that it annoys people when i constantly am down in my journals.

I never dream... or at least i don't tend to remember them.

last night was different though. I dreamt about my ex. It was wonderful. when i woke up it was terrible. I thought I had gotten past dreaming and thinking about her more than every once in a while.

I dreamt about us being together in more ways than just sexual. I was in love with her and she was in love with me again. It was almost real. I could feel her in my arms. it felt like i held her for hours... just being happy.

when i woke up it all faded away and i knew she wasn't there.

i will never love a woman like i loved her. she was one of those special women that helps a man be the best he can be when he is with her. i compare every woman i meet with her. she was everything i dream of. and i know it is unlikely we will ever be together again (she got married this year) but as they say: hope springs eternal.

about a year ago i sent her an e-mail after i heard she was getting married. i didn't do it to try and get her to stop but more to lay all my cards on the table so that she would know EXACTLY how i still felt about her. she wrote me back a nasty e-mail saying that if i sent her another email "telling her how to live her life" she would go to the cops. that's not what i was doing but i figured no reason to push the subject and that i should let it go at that before things got stupid.

every once in a while i see her at the bar we used to hang out at together. i usually just finish up my beer and leave because of my own feelings for her. i just can't stand seeing her and not being able to talk to a person that used to be my best friend. the only person who truly knows me. and who i trust(ed?) implicitly.

Today i had two finals. they kicked my ass but at least they are over. afterwards myself and a couple other people i have classes with (two of the few who are actually over 21) went down to my bar to have a couple beers to knock the edge off of the semester. when we got down there a girl who i went on a couple dates with a while ago and who stopped responding to my e-mails was down there with a guy who appeared to be her boy friend (girls if you don't want to date a guy any more have the fucking courtesy to fucking tell him. she gave me an awkward smile and said hi. i nodded and hung out with my friends. cunt. anyway i digress. my friends had a couple beers and then had to get going. i stuck around for a while to have another beer and play some touch screen. (i am king of sports trivia "NWAHS" up and down the high score board )

after a while of playing i looked over and at some point "She" had walked in. *sigh* i took my time finishing my beer and started to leave. apparently at some point she went outside to have a cigarette. on my way out i saw her out of the corner of my eye. i kept walking and heard her say "hi shawn." *sigh again* "how are you doing?" i responded. and kept walking. faster. i got about 50 feet away and i hear "hey shawn" i stop dead in my tracks and turn around. she's walking towards me. i walk back to her and she asks if she can ask me a question. my heart starts beating at a million beats a second.

"why do you run out every time i see you down here? every time i see you leave like you are scared of me or something. i'd like to be able to say hi to you when i see you. do i do something to scare you?"

"it's not you really. it's just my own..."

she finishes my sentence, "you own what-have-yous and whatnot?" *sigh AGAIN*

"yeah"

"i just don't want you to feel you have to leave every time i come down here and you are here."

The more I talk to here. Even in that situation in that ally the calmer I get. No one has this affect on me except her. "it's not you. You can say hi to me any time you want.

She gives me one of the shy smiles I love(ed) so much and says ok. I can see she still has a ring on her finger but it takes every ounce of my being not to pull her into my arms.

I smile back at her. Probably the first real smile I have had in months. I look into her eyes and she says "well I hope you have a merry Christmas and happy new-year and all of that."

"Merry Christmas to you too. Goodnight"

I wanted so badly to say "I dreamt of you last night about us," but I didn't I just walked away calm for the first time in years.

Part of me is longing more than ever to have her in my arms right now but part of me thinks this is exactly what I needed. What I never got when we broke up. A goodbye. God I love her

How is it that I dreamt about her just last night? How is it that this happened today of all days?

I'll write more about what I'm feeling about all of this tomorrow when I am not so tired.

Tossed into my mind, stirring the calm
You splash me with beauty and pull me down
Cuz you come from out of nowhere
My glance turns to a stare
Obsession rules me-I'm yours from the start
I know you see me-Our eyes interlock
You come from out of nowhere
My glance turns to a stare
One minute here and one minute there
Don't know if I'll laugh or cry
One minute here and one minute there
And then you wave good-bye...
Sifting to the bottom, every day for two
All energy funnels, all becomes you
You come from out of nowhere
My glance turns to a stare
One minute here and one minute there
Don't know if I'll laugh or cry
One minute here and one minute there
And it hurts inside
One minute here and one minute there
And then you wave good-bye...
*whisper*good-bye