This is an excerpt from a journal I wrote almost a year ago.
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God,
You see everything that I go through in my life. All the things that I put up with from Robbie. --- I truly do love him with all my heart, but I'm not sure whether or not he's the person I should be with. I'm really confused because I don't believe you would allow me to have feeling like this toward someone if I wasn't supposed to be with them for a reason.
Robbie is the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. But I feel like my heart is telling me yes, and you're telling me no. Which really confuses me even more, because I've prayed about this so much, and I've asked you that if Robbie and me aren't meant to be together then to take these feelings away, and to make it easier for me to walk away from him.
Everytime that I finally get fed up with him, and I get mad enough to walk away, my heart softens and I turn around to apologize and crawl back to him; NO matter what He does. I'm not really sure how I can continue to stay with someone who doesn't feel nearly as strongly for me as I do for him. I think that's what hurts the most... Constantly wondering how you can give everything to someone, even pushing your own beliefs out of the way to make them happy, and having them step all over you and not even care. I don't know what else I can do to make him love me back the way I love him... Or even love me at all.
I think that this situation is almost something you're allwoing me to go through to learn something? I'm not sure... Maybe you want me to prove that I'm obediant to what you want, and by me leaving the person that I love the most in this world and dealing with that pain, proves my loyalty?
Give me a CLEAR sign. I have so many feelings in my heart and so many thoughts and emotions I can barely sort them out, and if Robbie isn't who I'm supposed to be with then send me the person who is...
- Can Deal, Help, and Be Patient While I work Out Being Screwed up From My Past. -Robbie did do this at first.
- Can be in touch with me to the point they know what's wrong with me before I say it.
- I don't have to tell how to make things better. ---they just know
- Makes me feel loved and wanted all the time. -Not just when they feel like it, have time, or Want Something.
- Will Keep ALL thier promises and ALWAYS do what they say thier going to do.
- Shares my Beliefs in You.
- Won't Yell or Scream, or Raise their voice
- Can Keep their anger under control, no matter how bad it gets. -Even though I'd prefer it not get bad at all.
- I can be 100% honest with without getting the feeling of them hating me or being mad because of the truth.
- I can trust to never cheat on me or be interested in other girls while I'm with them. --Like Jess when he got upset because he even looked at another girl.
- Can Forgive and let go of mistakes as easily as I can.
- I can Actually talk to and be best friends with.
- Likes to spend time alone with just me. -Not having to be around other people aaall the time.
- Deosn't Smoke.
- Isn't a Drunk or A Druggie.
- Doesn't Change around Other People.
- Is interested in the same music and general stuff as me. -Robbie was at First.
- Already knows what they want to accomplish in life, and is on thier way to doing it. Or at least has a plan.
- Reassures my doubts before I can even voice them.
- As for looks, God, you know what I like, and you know I'm not picky, or really think anyone is bad looking... So, that's you're call.
- Anything else I'm forgetting I'm sure you'll take care of.
Someone Who...
PS. I love Robbie, I want to stay with him, and I'd rather you make him all these things then take him away from me, but if it's not what you want then I'm sure whatever you have for me will be better.
Love,
Roarie
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What's wierd about this letter is the fact that, Robbie finally did something to the point where it made it easy for me to walk away and not look back. It took me 3 years to do it, but that relationship is finally done. I know I learned a lot from it, and I know Robbie will be a better boyfriend to the next girl he dates now that he's had a wake up call.
That's not even the coolest part! Here's what is.
My friend Megan had a huge crush on this guy, and all I ever heard was Terry this, Terry that, blah blah Terry Terry, blah blah blah...
Somehow he got added on my myspace, which I never figured out how because I don't add anyone but bands, and he says he didn't. But we talked on their a few times, I didn't talk to him too much because of the fact that Megan would get jealous.
Well, she convinced me to go to his show with her on July 1st, and I agreed, just to see what her deal was with this guy. We got to the venue, and sat there. Megan was upset because he "ignored" her, or whatever. When he came over at first I didn't even really feel a friend connection with him (could've been cuz i wanted to keep my distance), and even when he came over to talk to Megan I still kind of ignored him. (Not to be mean, I just know how girls are!) Well after an hour or so, all three of us went outside to talk and the more he talked the more I guess I stopped blocking him out, and really saw him.
We all ended up hanging out after the show, until like 6am. Which Megan got mad about, because she said he only hung out with us because of me.
The next night was the same, and I noticed him talking to me more than Megan, so I tried to be even more distant and sarcastic towards him. We all ended up spending the night at my house, and went to Six Flags the next day where I tried my hardest to get him and Megan together, and his response was that him and Megan didn't click.
Megan had to go home that night, but Terry stayed the night again. We stayed up all night and watched movies and talked, and found we had a lot in common.
It was really the next morning when i asked why he didn't want to be with Megan that yea, made me... I'm not quite sure what the feeling would be... He said that he didn't like Megan because he liked her friend. All I said was no over and over, and I know I hurt his feelings, but I mean Megan was "IN LOVE" with him.
But, the more I talked to him, the more I liked him, and the more I wanted to hang out with him, and we did and we got closer.
Going back to that list I made almost a year ago...
Well here's my rating system of how he lives up to everything that i wanted in a guy.
-Does it
- Good
-Amazing
- Can Deal, Help, and Be Patient While I work Out Being Screwed up From My Past. -Robbie did do this at first.
- Can be in touch with me to the point they know what's wrong with me before I say it.
- I don't have to tell how to make things better. ---they just know
- Makes me feel loved and wanted all the time. -Not just when they feel like it, have time, or Want Something.
- Will Keep ALL thier promises and ALWAYS do what they say thier going to do.
- Shares my Beliefs in You.
- Won't Yell or Scream, or Raise their voice
- Can Keep their anger under control, no matter how bad it gets. -Even though I'd prefer it not get bad at all.
- I can be 100% honest with without getting the feeling of them hating me or being mad because of the truth.
- I can trust to never cheat on me or be interested in other girls while I'm with them. --Like Jess when he got upset because he even looked at another girl.
- Can Forgive and let go of mistakes as easily as I can.
- I can Actually talk to and be best friends with.
- Likes to spend time alone with just me. -Not having to be around other people aaall the time.
- Deosn't Smoke.
- Isn't a Drunk or A Druggie.
- Doesn't Change around Other People.
- Is interested in the same music and general stuff as me. -Robbie was at First.
- Already knows what they want to accomplish in life, and is on thier way to doing it. Or at least has a plan.
- Reassures my doubts before I can even voice them.
- As for looks, God, you know what I like, and you know I'm not picky, or really think anyone is bad looking... So, that's you're call.
- Anything else I'm forgetting I'm sure you'll take care of.
Someone Who...
I mean no, he doesn't have 3 monkeys on everything, but I've only known the guy for a month tommorow, and he's that great already. Which means things are only going to get better. I hope.
The only thing that he got one monkey on is something that I guess I struggle with myself. I mean you have to love yourself first to feel loved by anyone else. So I mean that's not even his fault. He's awesome though. And really is God-Sent.
x.kiSsEs.x
<3 rOaRie 
tl;dr