I hate doing this, but if I don't write I'll keep it in and feel worse. Apparently my step-dad thinks I'm a whore, and that I'm on birth control. Which I'm not. I've made mistakes before, but I've learned... I won't sleep with anyone I'm not in love with... I thought my stepdad thought better of me, and it hurts so bad that he doesnt. I thought he might really be a dad to me, but i dunno i guess not. I think no guy can ever really love me... i mean fuck my own father has never met me, or seen me. How do you deal with the fact that the person who created you wants nothing to do with you... its like am i that messed up? Am i that bad of a person... and the thing with my stepdad... i dunno what ive done to make him think that way of me... i hate so much feeling like this. I hate typing it... the fact that people might read this, even though i believe they dont care enough to. i believe in God, but I just dont understand what ive done that has been so wrong that he can let me feel like this, think things like i do. i dont just say i want to die for attention... if i could be helped id be more then willing. ive asked for help... but my parents just laughed at me. i told my mom i tried to kill myself, and she laughed... and told me i was stupid... im so tired of being alive, and pretending im happy just so other people wont think im a stupid person... i hate feeling like no matter what i do im going to mess up... if i stay alive ill just screw up everyone elses life. if i kill myself i cause everyone the problem of having to bury me and go to my funeral...and pretend to care for a few weeks, and the fact that ill never know what will happen tommorow. which is the only reason that keeps me alive. My curiousity I guess. The fact that maybe ill be normal one day... and go a day without feeling worthless... this pain gets so bad i can barely breathe. i feel like i can barely hang on anymore.. i want help so badly, but i dont want to be laughed at or thought of as a problem... when i told me ex boyfriend i wanted to kill myself he threw a knife at me. told me he wouldnt be with me because he didnt want it on his conscience. i just wanted help, someone to talk to... fuck, i just dont believe i can do this anymore. i dont want to feel it... its so powerful i dont know how to explain it, i wish i could just flip a fucking switch and have it stay away... God, please help... grrr i hate this so much
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mulletmaster:
There are places to get help if you really want it and it sounds like you do. I am sure there is someone you can talk to at a local hospital or perhaps at school. They can keep things private and no one would know but you 2. I hope things get better for you, also if you want to talk (even though you dont know me) look on my profile.
davehidden:
No thanx needed. That is what we are all here for in some sense. Aside from beautiful naked girls, it's about the community. The making of friends and that sort of shit. So yeah. Whatever I mean, I don't know. You ever need to chat, you know how to find me.