2thumbs

Hmm... I haven't updated this in a while, I suppose because I rarely have anything to talk about; I think I do now. I know this site is full of sob stories of one variety or another, so adding another most likely won't hurt. I'm not sure I can talk about this with anyone in real life, but I need to get it out somehow or I'll implode. I'm not the most articulate person around, so if this reads like a piece of shit, I apologize in advance. I also won't mention any names in this ... if anyone recognizes someone from any previous rantings or chats and decides to comment, I ask you do the same.

Last night a friend came over, she'd just broken up with her boyfriend. I don't know why she chose to talk to me... but nonetheless, she did. It wasn't much of a talk mind you, she just sat there and wept. I felt powerless, I didn't know what to say. I'm not sure anything I could have said would have made a fuckin' difference. All I could do was hold her in my arms. It drained me emotionally, I was exhausted. At one point I went to the bathroom and as I looked in the mirror, I noticed my face was swollen and puffy; I hadn't realized I was crying too. She ended up falling asleep ~3am, so I carried her to my bed and then made my own on the pull-out. The next morning as I left for work, she was still sleeping. I left a note to let her know I'd be back for lunch.

I bought some lunch for us and headed home 11:30ish. When I got there, and opened the door to my apartment I was overwhelmed by the stench of cigarette smoke; she'd smoked like half a pack. I felt kind of angry, I hate it when people smoke in my apartment, but I couldn't say anything, I just opened the window. I don't know what it was or if it sounds silly, but when I saw her sitting there when I walked in..... it felt good. It's been a long time since I've come home and... you know... had someone waiting. It felt great not coming home to an empty apartment for once. I'm not attracted to her "that" way and I've no illusions about entering a relationship with her.... but it still felt nice.

I returned to work to be faced with another weeping girl; more ex- troubles ... he's a fucking asshole as far as I can tell. I felt completely frozen, powerless again... I think I made it worse. I don't know. I consider her a friend... it made me feel like shit to see her sad... but I was fuckin' paralized. I guess it helps to know she has someone to make her happy... at least I think. My "sneaking around" sniffer hasn't ever let me down.

When I went home, worse came to worse. I knew my friend had left.... but when I walked into that empty apartment... I felt fucking ill. I wanted to throw up. WTF is wrong with me? Am I PMSing? I sat down at my computer to put on some music; *You've got mail*. An email from my ex-, "... I miss you so much..." Of all fucking days, it had to be this one. We were together for a year and a half, not a long stretch I guess but the longest committed/exclusive relationship I've been in. Anyway, she decided her priorities were going to school in Victoria, I decided to stay in Edmonton... end of that. I do still care for her... that email couldn't have come at a worse time.

I felt like getting pissed drunk, passing out, and calling in sick the next day, but I couldn't even finish one bottle of beer. I wanted a smoke, but it tasted like shit. I went through my phone list of girl's numbers. They're all either in a relationship, gay, or not interested. Then there's the group that "only wants to be with older men." I call fucking bullshit on that. You know what? Fuck you. Get over yourselves. You're not better than I. Suck it.

I'd go to the bar, but fuck it. I don't really want just sex.... I want to ... be in a relationship. I miss that. Someone to talk to about shit like this. It's not like I haven't had opportunity recently either. I just seem to manage to fuck it up one way or the other. Either by being second in line, not fucking trying hard enough, trying too hard, being a jerkwad, or in some other horrible way. This one girl practically begged me to be with her, but I couldn't commit myself. She's one of my best friend's sister, I just couldn't do it. Now she has a boyfriend, is happy, and I'm sitting here thinking, "idiot... idiot... IDIOT."

Meanwhile, the girls I do want to be with already have someone to make them happy. Sometimes I wish they were sad so I could make them happy. Maybe that's too harsh and no exactly what I mean.... but I can't express it any other way. I wish it was fucking easier and everything would just fall into place.

Anyway, I hesitated posting this, mostly because I don't want to come off as a sympathy-whore, but also because I don't think I can actually put into words how I feel. Reading through it again makes me sound like a fuckin' loser, but writing it did help; I feel a bit better. In a strange way, I'm actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow.... odd..... if I could only get some sleep.

Peace, love, beans.


P.S.: Alfred Tennyson, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.