voodoo beef
Well. It has been awhile, hasn't it. I was twenty three when I last used SuicideGirls, and now I'm twenty nine. I have had so many adventures and I've so many stories to tell - and I look forward to it. I got my film degree, but not before I got illegally whisked away into all sorts of mayhem and learned that I'm royalty to the most hated country in the World. Teeheehee. It's a military state in my absence. The Israeli embassy don't answer my emails but I know they see them, because their secret services check all my emails. Ingoing AND outgoing!! Jews aren't known for having good manners. Technically the Queen of England is supposed to bow to me, if I meet her - but I'm a communist. In terms of (unpaid!) service alone, my family has contributed over many, many more generations than hers... But a past life of mine has me pitying her position, which is presently little more than vanity. In a country like the U.K built on varying hierarchies, I imagine that to some extent my family is protecting hers. And I imagine if she ever has forgotten the fact, it is because she suffers with a quiet disability. I EMPATHISE. But I do not sympathise.
Communism is a literary term before it is a notion before it is a political belief - that I really need to redefine, actually. I should invest in a new etymological dictionary, as I lost the one I stole from an old secondary school of mine - that I got pretty harshly bullied out of after we visited Berlin. We visited some WW2 Barracks and a Second World War museum, and though I don't remember much I recall a poem that was performed vocally - curated in a box of darkness with smoke that rose from the ground and was lit with green light. Memento Mori something something - 'blind men look UP'. I imagine community, commune, unity through community - one. Some kind of binary code but I'm not all that into code. I lie. That's a lie. Sorry I told a lie. I love codes. No but really - specifically - where are the punks? Where are the people that at least for vanity's sake professed a political ideology I could respect? There have to be a few of you on SuicideGirls - cos that's what I associate with the word 'alternative'. Do you guys still exist? Or did you succumb to looking 'normal'? And if so - was it to make a point to the 'normal' people that had bullied you - that if you did what they did - you'd be waaay hotter for it? I did that.
It looked like this - and was immortalised - I see it as an acting debut. All I had wanted to do, from the age of about.. seven or eight.. was be a thespian. I wanted to go to RADA and be an actor - because I was taught the only actors you can take seriously are classically trained ones.
Anyway so I was given some rejected items of clothing by a shop owned by footballers wives that had hired me to do some 'graphic design' - they didn't use my stuff. If you saw what they did use you'd know it was because they were a little bit competitive. Which is weird because at the time I was so riddled with insecurity that I'd never of expected such rudeness. I undercharged for my work. These clothes which were out of season - did not even begin to cover the debts they put themselves in.
My co-star was a beautiful mafia daughter called Alice. I've always fantasised about the Mafia but I imagine they preferred other kinds of women because I didn't have a great time with Russians at University. Even if I was kind to them, fed them, decorated their rooms - introduced them to cartoons that had been made specifically for me - they were rather rude to me. And I certainly didn't have the cash that they did.
This is a look I credit to the lost punks of Camden who stood on the bridge I'd walk through every Saturday growing up - if I wasn't grounded for being 'rude'. I was more often than not grounded. Or too physically tired to be able to go out.
This is me in a beach dress I "stole" off my sister. (Funny if you know how she managed to be able to afford to wear missoni - but thats a story for another time.) This is me in a Hermes bracelet she gave me. And a Topshop ring. Drinking a cocktail because I only drink alcohol that tastes really nice. Alice is wearing earrings that were lent to her by a Saudi Arabian Princess. That Saudi Arabian Princess is arranged to marry my older brother.
The Photographer is her cousin, and not one of us acknowledges the existence of the photographer - who knew that this photoshoot was intended to be a means of crucifying myself and Alice - people saw us as two "rich", "socialite girls". I turned up to the photoshoot hoping to flirt with the shoot coordinator and have some fun. It didn't work out, he picked a bike ride home to a skinny half Japanese girl over me. I'd of done the same. I love AZN babes. But yeah, he's not my type anymore. And yes - the idea was that we were pretending to be rich, people that knew us would tell everyone we were pretending to be rich - we'd be socially ostracised. When really - Alice was sort-of-poorly-kept-Russian-royalty living in a squat and suffering with a crippling eating disorder, that I don't think this poorly photographed shoot helped at all - and I was living in a flat where I was eventually gassed and raped. Teeheehee. The biggest deal to people was that I had crushed painkillers to make them look like coke. Or Ket. I prefer ket.
I maintain that the photographer tried her very best here. I would have killed myself if I became famous through taking photographs like these - I mean I'm a bit Mr Beany but Alice could've probably been a supermodel before she got all size zero-ey and nice. Being nice, I think, isn't very Russian or very Mafia-Bossy. But she was very polite to me. It's a shame that this was our fifteen minutes. But the photographer tried. I know she really tried. She gave me some advice on 'modelling' too and I think that was her being nice. (Sometimes when a person is 'nice' - it'd be right to avoid the hell out of them. Especially if they're working for a ... 'publication'? like Vice)
The Drug bit, though, is true. I lived my life in pure agony and I used to routinely take pharmaceutical painkillers that didn't have much effect on me. I have a HIGH tolerance for pain. All sorts of pain. I have never not been in pain and I have never not acted like I was not in pain. I had no idea that this article would go viral - and until now it's the most successful Vice article of all time. No one cares about Vice anymore though, but it is something I did. I think only one or two people actually mentioned seeing me in this, and they weren't all that nice about it either. The war on drugs is close to my heart. People think i'm stupid cos' I don't talk about politics with any kind of success but the truth is - british politics doesn't serve my personal ideology. I'm one of those people that still idolise War God brutes like Che Guevara. People over 25 stopped doing that when they realised that they sounded cleverer pretending they cared about terms like 'left' and 'right' wing and that they could make friends with more money that way. I don't have friends - generally I make friends for a year and then they have a great time, meet all sorts of people through me and then ditch me - thinking the friend group will stay together in my absence. It's okay - if any of you have the concentration to read this far after all your drug problems and years spent watching TV and/or being normal - all I have ever known is social ostracisation - being bullied, abused etc. It's okay, through my spiritual pursuits - suffering made me some great friends on the otherside. And I guess knowing that the best that most people could offer as an excuse for bullying me was jealousy kind of served as a compliment too. I mean I'd of preferred having friends to having people envy me - because I'm the kind of person who never forgets a favour and also doesn't experience envy very often at all.
Some people even pretended they were mean because they fancied me but I um. I struggle to believe that. Recently one of my bestfriend-cum-rapists told me that he thought I had been telepathically ASKING him to rape me. Haha. Haha. Teeheehee.
It's okay, he has an alibi thats fucked his head up more than I think anything ever has. MIND CONTROL IS REAL GUYZ. Teeheehee.
So! What do I do? NOT MUCH. A few humble endeavours. I'm one of those lazy girls. My interests take me to & through all sorts and no one seems to help me unless I'm paying them.
I'm a Spiritual Teacher. I'm working hard on my site - you can see it here. Please forgive me but I'd prefer you didn't attempt to pay for any of my services yet - the Shoppe section isn't complete and I'm unsure I trust my server to deliver or properly handle/oversee an online payment.
I'll explain in a minute (my favourite kind of people are hackers - ESPECIALLY the middle aged kind that still live with their mothers - if you can keep a hacker entertained you've got a best friend for life - whether you like it or not) (programmers are okay - but anyone who will accept a monetary bribe is disloyal - programmers often have rather undeveloped politics.)
And then when hackers start engaging with your Spiritual endeavours, they become wonderful empaths/telepaths and astral travellers ... So when I feel compelled to say 'I don't trust wix' - I suppose you can take or leave the advice that may be coming from me, or them. Like minds. I am also a hacker of sorts but I do it through making you fall in love with me. I fall in love with you first - if there is something remotely lovable about you - so it's always genuine. 'bit slutty tho (no, because I am celibate.)
But I continue to use wix because I have to believe that people have it in them to want to change, whether you give them a strawberry for it or not. Wix do owe me a service though, because they know that karma is real and that nothing is truly 'free'. Even robbing someone of privacy comes with a heavy price, but it takes people time to learn that.
I also have a kids channel on YouTube. I teach using mostly colour/light etc. Secrets are the most fun but having them never works out well for me. I'm really proud of what I think will become a great work - and I'm really eager to share it once I've uploaded more content. It takes ages because I pre-prepare for shoots, buy props, play dress up, meditate on the content, reevaluate the content, animate the content, write scripts and even hire artists on fiverr to help me. I picked the most adorable Japanese narrator because her voice is more feminine than mine and probably much easier listening than my husky voice. I chain smoke.
The aesthetic for that kids channel is somewhat inspired by the opening sequence for Hihi Puffy AmiYumi. I am a huge animation enthusiast since forever. Games and Anime are sort of what made my life not shit. My life was - though - mostly shit. But it gave me an edge one can compare to like, someone very edgy.
I guess if I write about it here, if I decide to do the SuicideGirls thing (I obviously will but I'm telling you now - I will make enemies whether I am affable/loving/generous/kind or not) (And being sweet wasn't actually all that great for my porn-persona before)
People get close to me and tell my secrets - or completely misunderstand my humour and make bizarre assumptions. My 'tone of voice' changes all the time (figurative, it's a marketing term). Sometimes I'm very serious, sometimes I'm trying to be funny. Men get away with it all the time but women generally don't.
I think people struggle to appear in adult work and also do "kids stuff" - but my motivation with the adult industry has finally become one that sits well with my feminist self, and that is that I want women to learn that it is possible to orgasm. I would not struggle with 'parents' finding out that I am a sexual being - and it is neither here nor there, but I am mostly celibate anyway. I don't believe in masturbation or having sex unless you're actively trying to conceive, married or not. Yes I really believe it's possible to conceive without having physical sex - feel free to mock me for it - you'll realise the truth of it in years to come if it's your path. Never take a teacher's word for it - I mean, you'll live the only kind of truth that works for you and ideally you won't have bullied your teacher by the time you realise that they were right - and that you picked them because they were right. I mother zone all my teachers within about 2 minutes of meeting them but that is because I have good intuition. They put up with my temper tantrums (almost daily) and I put up with their assu pain. Everything is an exchange - no one I love generally feels embarrassment of any kind and that makes me happy. That is a genuine kind of achievement to me, that people don't feel embarrassment where it is not appropriate.
SPEAKING OF ACHIEVEMENTS. Did you know - that before I started using the internet to blog, people thought the female orgasm was a lie. And many women still lie about being able to orgasm - convulsing does not an orgasm make - although it is fun. FYI I've successfully faked an orgasm once or twice too, so ... And the convulsing thing is fun and good for not getting pregnant. Some people are really sexual and don't want to get pregnant ever. I am not sexual and also do not want to get pregnant, but I have been many times - and apparently that is actually an achievement too.
I believe it's well motivated that I want to work in the adult industry as well as teach. I do not want to publicly discuss that you've seen me naked, and many people have. I do not want my being naked on the internet to be a topic of conversation. Do you know there are conversations waiting to be had, that have never been had before? And that we change the world collectively through having those conversations? You might not be in a place where you can appreciate that right now but I will never not appreciate that aspect of life.
I teach under the guidance of varied spiritual schools - that is the Esther and Abraham Hicks Foundation and the School of Economic Science. Both have different approaches to sexuality but both acknowledge principles that align them to each other.
I personally recommend the School of Economic Science before learning the Art of Manifestation - I have the very very beginning of some wing-esque things coming out of my back as a result of spending eight months almost exclusively listening to Esther/Abraham Hicks-Tarantino meditations and visualising a narrative for a graphic novel that I intended to be about the relationship between God and Lucifer. There was a lot of stuff to do with wings. I now maybe might have wings growing. I'm okay with it - but I can't look. I'll make a video - actually no - I might not - it'll be the one time I make a successful comedy piece and it's not funny at all. I want functional wings. I have to make an effort to make that part of my body visible and I'm trying to like it.
If I wasn't convinced that he's gay and/or a genetically related brother (my mother was mind controlled to have a weird abortion before I was born) - this would be my dream boyfriend. He didn't put me in his anime, though, so. We're in a big fight cos I'm genuinely a bit hurt. I once cried because I thought he wasn't real. I suppose when you cry that you don't think someone's real and then realise that they are real it becomes a "why the fuck was I not in your anime, dickhead"
You're really quite lucky you escaped our family, L. If you ARE related to us, I mean.
I imagine if you ever meet my mother you'll probably do what everyone else did and run. I've been kept poor, kept tired, kept insecure. If we aren't related and I came to live with you I imagine it'd be a bit worse but also more tolerelable because we could like, get stoned together and remotely co-create loads of epic animes
>> The image of L was stolen off a Google search. I didn't do it. <<
I mean it pissed me off but - I'm pretty good at Voodoo.
