0rigin

So, it's August, and it has hit me... that it is one year ago this month that mom died, leaving me alone and destroyed in this world. So beer on desk, here I am reflecting on how things have changed in the past year... where do I start? I guess the beginning would be sufficient. Here goes:

It would be this time last year that my life hit rock bottom. Last summer consisted of living with my mom, while she battled cancer for the second time. It was at the very least difficult for a lad of my age to watch his mother, who has raised him and his sister alone for 8 years, fight for her life. I was informed of her second diagnosis in June 2005, and by August she was gone... most people have to deal with leaving their families when they begin college; for me, it was dealing with my family leaving me.

Anyways, the next couple months were spent with my aunts and uncles sorting out bills and setting up the house to be put into our names and such, all of this terrible crap that no one wants to deal with after losing a loved one. These couple months were also when I realised who all my closest friends were. The ones who would not let me be alone at all, taking me everywhere and keeping my mind at ease. Then my closest friend was given an amazing job opportunity in Alberta, and left in what seemed like no time at all.

Then my cousin and her two children moved in, she was living here for a bit while my mom was still around, because she is a paliative care nurse, which was great for my mom. My cousin was going through a messy divorce, so she lived here with her 2 kids in the meantime. I loved having them around, they got their own place with her new boyfriend in February, which was a relief. It was finally quiet around here.

Finally, by the end of February slash beginning of March, I was finally able to get life back in grasp. I was wrapping up my first year of school, and things were quiet around the house. I thought I was ready to meet a new girl, as it had been 1.5 years since I had "dated" anyone. That ended up in shambles, which sucks, we decided to remain friends, because she doesn't want to date anyone right now, or even have romantic feelings towards anyone, so I don't know... getting over her and trying to move on in that sense is hard, because I told her that I could be her friend as long as she knew I had feelings for her, which she said is cool. But she says I "can't wait around for her"

This would not be an isolated problem with the female race. Right after the shit with my mom, I had feelings for one of my female friends who I knew was attracted to me at one point or another. I told her this, but I don't remember how it went. Basically everytime I talked to her about that crap she had a boyfriend... and now she's basically obsessed with my cousin... (who slept with my ex girlfriend)... needless to say, it's a kick in the balls. She knows that it frustrates me a bit, but she doesn't understand why. I don't see how she can't understand, she knows how I see her, and then she's all over my cousin?? It's not rocket science honey.

But no one likes to here about female problems. Moving on...

This past year I've also been jumping back and forth between the friends I hang out with. Some that I've known for years, and some I've known for not too long. Things are getting boring, we always just end up doing the same things and never have anything interesting to talk about really. My sister and friends that have moved away always have interesting stories and adventures and I got nothing.

Basically, I guess I'm saying this year has been interesting to say the least. Turning 20 years old, with alot of life experience I don't feel like I want to have. 20 years old and having already lost both parents, having a car owned and insured under my own name, and co-owning a house under estate law. Not to mention that I'm basically left taking care of my sister, she's got a job now, so things are getting easier.

I really think that life has just been way too consuming for me lately, all these unnecessary stresses, as well as the unavoidable, necessary ones. I need change. I think I need to get out and do more things, travel more. Go out and meet new people. My close friends are great, but I can count them on one hand.

I've made the prior realisations in the past week, I've started changing my habits by consuming myself in my music, and working on the truck again. It's time to kickstart the travelling (even just locally) and the meeting of new people into gear... I'm not saying I'm not happy with my life, that's not the case at all. I'm just saying I want more freedom, I feel inhibited, consumed, and I'm starting to feel a little distanced from people. Being social is getting awkward for some odd reason and I don't want it to be. That's never been me.

R.I.P Carlene Makrevski, I'll love you always.