OH MY GOD, internets, I completely forgot to tell you about the horrible experience I had right around New Year's. It is a measure of how much I've changed that I forgot to tell you about it because it used to be when something really disgusting happened to me one of my first thoughts was "INTERTUBE DELIVERY AHOY".
For quite a while - since the beginning of December - my right tonsil was sort of swollen and sore. Not really dramatically but enough that I had resolved to keep an eye on it. I had chronic tonsillitis when I first moved out of my parents house and one year ended up missing almost a month of work in total because of how bitchy and temperamental my tonsils were. My first thought was that I was probably getting a cold because that is usually what happens to me when I get sick. First my tonsils swell and then the rest of the symptoms come crashing down. But nothing happened. Instead a lymph node under my chin became swollen. I was super freaked out by this for some reason - mostly because I cannot recall that particular gland ever having been swollen before. So I went to the doctor. She couldn't really find anything wrong but told me that she would be happy to see me again if it was still swollen by the end of the month. She offered to do blood work if I wanted but I declined. I went home.
By the end of the month the lymph node was no longer swollen but my tonsil still was. And then. I woke up at two in the morning because my tonsil was so swollen it was filling half of my throat. I staggered to my computer to find out what time urgent care at my clinic opened and then set my alarm. When it went off the next morning I prodded devilducky awake and told him he would have to drive me to urgent care before he went to his airsoft game.
The staff at urgent care swabbed my throat for a strep test and took my temperature. I was running a low grade fever but hadn't felt feverish at all prior to that morning. When the doctor came in he asked me a variety of questions and seemed to get more and more agitated the more questions I answered. Yes, this has been going on since the beginning of December. Yes, I've had some swollen lymph nodes. Yes, I've had lots of fluids in my sinuses. And did I mention my ear really hurts all of a sudden? And that I cannot swallow my own saliva? Because that is also going on. He prodded my neck and put a flashlight in my mouth, nose and ears. And then he told me to go to the emergency room. Because I had a peritonsillar abscess and it was really urgent that it be drained.
I should say here that I have been through this song and dance before. One of the instances of tonsilits I came down with caused such obscene swelling that pretty much the same thing happened. I was sent to the emergency room where an ear nose and throat specialist numbed me up, sliced open one of my tonsils with a scalpel and dug around, as if hoping to release demons. HE DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING. So when the doctor at the urgent care clinic offered to call the hospital and get me a map to the emergency room I sort of chuckled and told him that this has happened before, that it turned out to be nothing, that - thanks for playing - but maybe I should just be given some pills or something. He assured me that, oh no, he was positive this is what was wrong. He offered to make calls. As if to illustrate his point he threw away the strep test sitting on the table, barely sparing it a glance. YOUR THROAT IT CONTAINS PUS. YOU MUST SEE SPECIALISTS. So devilducky agreed to drive me even though it meant missing the airsoft game he had spent hours packing gear for the night before because he is the King of Everything.
I have never been admitted to a hospital before, given a gown and a plastic bracelet and a blanket from a warmer and told how to operate the TV. It was all very strange. We watched How It's Made and learned how Snickers are made. I was given an IV that lead to a bag of antibiotics and a bag of The Delicious Hydrating Fluids of which my body had been deprived. Oh, also morphine. Morphine is awesome, by the way. For a moment when the nurse first pushed it I felt like I was going to throw up but after that it was pretty great.
My ear nose and throat doctor was very sweet and cute and confirmed the other doctor's diagnosis of Quinsy, which sounds like a television detective or some such nonsense. She then explained that my throat would be numbed with sprays and needles full of lidocaine and that she was going to use a syringe to drain the pus from the back of my throat. This experience turned out to be not as disgusting as I thought it would be. She shanked my tonsil about six times and got what I felt was a rather small amount of a fairly tame-looking yellow paste. She prescribed me gigantic Ibuprofen, Oxycodone and Clyndamiacin, told me that my throat would probably "continue to drain" for the next few days because of all of the holes she had poked in it, then sent her nurse in to tell me that because of the morphine I wasn't allowed to drive for 24 hours. I spent most of the rest of the day lying on the couch in a daze.
And then. My tonsil started to swell again. "Son of a bitch," I thought over and over, "if I have to go back to the hospital I am going to kick someone's ass". The swelling wasn't going down. It was starting to hurt again. I finally woke up the morning before New Year's Eve because my throat and ear were throbbing. I rolled over onto my left side to alleviate some of the pressure. And then. And then.
The abscess began to drain.
I cannot possibly describe to you how disgusting this experience was. Of all of the disgusting experiences I've had in my life - and as the owner of a fully functional vagina I can assure you I have had PLENTY - this easily topped the list. Because this abscess was at the back of my throat I had to hack up everything that was now draining out of it. This stuff was not tame and boring and pale, pale yellow like the stuff the doctor had found. This stuff was noxious and green and tasted like an asshole full of deadly, deadly algae. To make matters worse I have never quite mastered the art of loogie production and so ended up sort of half-barfing some of it out. On top of all of this I had read that if an infection of this sort gets out of control it can compromise the wall of the caratoid artery (THANKS Wikipedia, you fucking asshole) so when I started hacking up blood as well I began to lose my shit completely. devilducky woke up and came over to the sink to hold me and rub my back and assure me that I was all right. He very sweetly did not tell me to calm the fuck down or that I was acting like a total lunatic. He did confess the next morning that I was "slightly hysterical" which is very kind of him.
Once the worst was over I propped up some pillows so that I could rest but still sit up in case there was anything else exceptionally disgusting that needed to seep out of my head. This turned out to be a good move because within ten minutes I was coughing up the last of it. I managed to get back to sleep shortly after that and when I woke up at about ten my tonsil was hardly swollen at all. I felt tons better. TONS BETTER. I ate food and drank fluids and it was really great. The best part of this story is that I got to tell it to a bunch of people on New Years Eve and gross them out. At least that is something.
For quite a while - since the beginning of December - my right tonsil was sort of swollen and sore. Not really dramatically but enough that I had resolved to keep an eye on it. I had chronic tonsillitis when I first moved out of my parents house and one year ended up missing almost a month of work in total because of how bitchy and temperamental my tonsils were. My first thought was that I was probably getting a cold because that is usually what happens to me when I get sick. First my tonsils swell and then the rest of the symptoms come crashing down. But nothing happened. Instead a lymph node under my chin became swollen. I was super freaked out by this for some reason - mostly because I cannot recall that particular gland ever having been swollen before. So I went to the doctor. She couldn't really find anything wrong but told me that she would be happy to see me again if it was still swollen by the end of the month. She offered to do blood work if I wanted but I declined. I went home.
By the end of the month the lymph node was no longer swollen but my tonsil still was. And then. I woke up at two in the morning because my tonsil was so swollen it was filling half of my throat. I staggered to my computer to find out what time urgent care at my clinic opened and then set my alarm. When it went off the next morning I prodded devilducky awake and told him he would have to drive me to urgent care before he went to his airsoft game.
The staff at urgent care swabbed my throat for a strep test and took my temperature. I was running a low grade fever but hadn't felt feverish at all prior to that morning. When the doctor came in he asked me a variety of questions and seemed to get more and more agitated the more questions I answered. Yes, this has been going on since the beginning of December. Yes, I've had some swollen lymph nodes. Yes, I've had lots of fluids in my sinuses. And did I mention my ear really hurts all of a sudden? And that I cannot swallow my own saliva? Because that is also going on. He prodded my neck and put a flashlight in my mouth, nose and ears. And then he told me to go to the emergency room. Because I had a peritonsillar abscess and it was really urgent that it be drained.
I should say here that I have been through this song and dance before. One of the instances of tonsilits I came down with caused such obscene swelling that pretty much the same thing happened. I was sent to the emergency room where an ear nose and throat specialist numbed me up, sliced open one of my tonsils with a scalpel and dug around, as if hoping to release demons. HE DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING. So when the doctor at the urgent care clinic offered to call the hospital and get me a map to the emergency room I sort of chuckled and told him that this has happened before, that it turned out to be nothing, that - thanks for playing - but maybe I should just be given some pills or something. He assured me that, oh no, he was positive this is what was wrong. He offered to make calls. As if to illustrate his point he threw away the strep test sitting on the table, barely sparing it a glance. YOUR THROAT IT CONTAINS PUS. YOU MUST SEE SPECIALISTS. So devilducky agreed to drive me even though it meant missing the airsoft game he had spent hours packing gear for the night before because he is the King of Everything.
I have never been admitted to a hospital before, given a gown and a plastic bracelet and a blanket from a warmer and told how to operate the TV. It was all very strange. We watched How It's Made and learned how Snickers are made. I was given an IV that lead to a bag of antibiotics and a bag of The Delicious Hydrating Fluids of which my body had been deprived. Oh, also morphine. Morphine is awesome, by the way. For a moment when the nurse first pushed it I felt like I was going to throw up but after that it was pretty great.
My ear nose and throat doctor was very sweet and cute and confirmed the other doctor's diagnosis of Quinsy, which sounds like a television detective or some such nonsense. She then explained that my throat would be numbed with sprays and needles full of lidocaine and that she was going to use a syringe to drain the pus from the back of my throat. This experience turned out to be not as disgusting as I thought it would be. She shanked my tonsil about six times and got what I felt was a rather small amount of a fairly tame-looking yellow paste. She prescribed me gigantic Ibuprofen, Oxycodone and Clyndamiacin, told me that my throat would probably "continue to drain" for the next few days because of all of the holes she had poked in it, then sent her nurse in to tell me that because of the morphine I wasn't allowed to drive for 24 hours. I spent most of the rest of the day lying on the couch in a daze.
And then. My tonsil started to swell again. "Son of a bitch," I thought over and over, "if I have to go back to the hospital I am going to kick someone's ass". The swelling wasn't going down. It was starting to hurt again. I finally woke up the morning before New Year's Eve because my throat and ear were throbbing. I rolled over onto my left side to alleviate some of the pressure. And then. And then.
The abscess began to drain.
I cannot possibly describe to you how disgusting this experience was. Of all of the disgusting experiences I've had in my life - and as the owner of a fully functional vagina I can assure you I have had PLENTY - this easily topped the list. Because this abscess was at the back of my throat I had to hack up everything that was now draining out of it. This stuff was not tame and boring and pale, pale yellow like the stuff the doctor had found. This stuff was noxious and green and tasted like an asshole full of deadly, deadly algae. To make matters worse I have never quite mastered the art of loogie production and so ended up sort of half-barfing some of it out. On top of all of this I had read that if an infection of this sort gets out of control it can compromise the wall of the caratoid artery (THANKS Wikipedia, you fucking asshole) so when I started hacking up blood as well I began to lose my shit completely. devilducky woke up and came over to the sink to hold me and rub my back and assure me that I was all right. He very sweetly did not tell me to calm the fuck down or that I was acting like a total lunatic. He did confess the next morning that I was "slightly hysterical" which is very kind of him.
Once the worst was over I propped up some pillows so that I could rest but still sit up in case there was anything else exceptionally disgusting that needed to seep out of my head. This turned out to be a good move because within ten minutes I was coughing up the last of it. I managed to get back to sleep shortly after that and when I woke up at about ten my tonsil was hardly swollen at all. I felt tons better. TONS BETTER. I ate food and drank fluids and it was really great. The best part of this story is that I got to tell it to a bunch of people on New Years Eve and gross them out. At least that is something.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
trevallion:
Duuuude. Grooooss.
crispy:
clicky