Damn, That Snake Should've Had a Warning Label
I realize that "stupid people" news items aren't the most challenging targets in the world. I've written up a few on here and, yes, it is a nice feeling, mocking the stupid, but after enough idiotic examples they all sort of blend together and seem not that funny...
Annnnd then someone puts a rattlesnake in their mouth.
Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.
Thanks buddy, you've made me a believer again... The slack-jawed and idiotic are fine subjects to write about.
And really, what girl isn't impressed by a man willing to put a filthy, poison-filled creature into their mouth-hole? Clearly this stunt went awry, but, in a perfect world, what was the outcome he was going for? What's the desired reaction after doing something like this? Instant sex? Awkward silence before a whispered request to "stop that"? What was supposed to happen here? The world may never know.
He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.
Look for the non-funny version of this scene, starring Dane Cook as the snake-bit, jerkoff trying to mumble his way through a quickly swelling mouth, next year at theatres everywhere... I would avoid those theatres.
You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."
Ahhh... Nothin like chasing some "stupid stuff," with a shot of rattlesnake venom! I call it the "fucktard" and you can find it at the bar outside the theatre I mentioned above.
Wilkinson, 23, had downed a six-pack and his ex-girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, not realizing the snake was also in his hand.
"She said, 'Get that thing out of my face,'" Wilkinson said. "I told her it was a nice snake. 'Nothing can happen. Watch.'"
So he stuck the snake in his mouth.
"It got a hold of my tongue," he said.
Wait, how are you so drunk that you forget you're holding a live snake... that is alive?
And you don't immediately notice it when you pick up something else with the same hand?
I picture him running errands, brushing his teeth, petting stray dogs all before finally noticing he's still holding onto a VENEMOUS killing tube.
I'll leave you with this, drunks. Keep in mind, there are many, many non-lethal animals you can insert into your mouth with zero risk other than a possible sternly worded letter from PETA. I say, do it.
TheCoolerKing realizes that Rahodeb briefly touched on this topic earlier, however, he was unwilling to waste the 30 seconds he'd already spent pondering the subject.
