Back in the day, people would mark time by the passage of the seasons. Later, they turned this passage of time into “years” and “months”. Some Roman emperor guys came along and tried to change how stuff was counted based on their own vanity, and generally pissed off some mathematicians. After that, since there was no way of being creative with math anymore, people started measuring time using different ways. It seems we can’t just leave it alone. Some people measure time based on animal or human evolution. Some people like to measure billions of years at a time based on planetary changes. Others measure by economic changes in a country, wars, or popes. Or wars and popes.

Remember the time of Pope Pius XII? Wasn’t too helpful during WWII. Died of hiccups. Yeah, that guy.

I discovered, however, that I have my own way of measuring time now. Eras are defined by releases of Nintendo’s Mario Kart games.

BMK (Before Mario Kart) was my high school years, a dark time when I only knew of Atari games – PacMan, Defender, and yes, E.T. – and arcade games. I struggled with my geek identity, attempting to be a pretty high school girl to attract the boys (FAIL) instead of just settling back into my comfy geek personality. In college, I saved up for a SNES and then came year 0 – CMKE (Common Mario Kart Era).

It marked my independence: leaving college, getting my first apartment, living with a guy who slept in chain mail (he was my roommate, not lover… ‘cause ow…), discovering Rolling Rock beer, and setting up my SNES to my roommate’s TV to drive around in a circle, collect coins and weapons and try to figure out why this was the best damn driving game I’d ever played. Was it the oversized Bowser in the ridiculously tiny Shriner’s-type car that made it fun? The ability to hop your car down the street like a pimp? (I found way too much amusement in the bouncing cars.) Or did it matter? These likely are mysteries into which one should not delve too deeply; one should just accept the glory of Super Mario Kart. One does not question miracles.

I began judging people by their reaction to Mario Kart. I didn’t judge on an economic level – as if they didn’t have/couldn’t afford Mario Kart, they were lesser beings. My apartment was open to all who would embrace Mario Kart in their hearts. I made some friends just based on the friendly challenge that my Luigi could beat their Donkey Kong Jr. The holy drink was Rolling Rock and the holy throne was my futon, where we played for hours. If someone did not accept Mario Kart, she was dead to me.

As many prophets do, I had a dark point in my life when I turned my face from my true calling. I purchased a Playstation instead of a GameCube or an N64, missing out on the next few Mario Kart releases. I was aware of them, aware of the passage of each era, being something I had to eventually go back to or else be lost. And when I got my DS and was able to go back to the holy charting of time passage, I took the opportunity and didn’t look back. Luckily Mario Kart accepted my devotion without question and I drove that hand-held whenever and wherever I could. But I missed the larger, TV console version of the game, I have to admit. So when the Wii version came out, that was the true return to the fold for me.

In the era before now, I was a young woman in college, living in an apartment with four people, enticing others to play Mario Kart with me, drinking the holy Rock of the Rolling, and experiencing true independence for the first time. And I can touch that feeling, touch that era, by playing the Mario Kart Wii. Back in the day of my personal independence, in the days of Clinton in the White House, in the days where CDs of “Best Music of the '90s” were already being sold on TV (with the decade barely begun) and the Internet still the realm of bearded Usenet fanatics. A more innocent time.

In the era after this one, I wonder what life will be like when Uber Mario Kart comes out for the Nintendo Virtual Reality Dome and I’ll think back to now, with the dark days of war, Bush in the White House, unbelievable gas prices, and unemployment, but also the bright spots of my personal life, my family, friends, and teaching my daughter the fine points of Mario Kart Wii.

Some historians measure history by plain old years. Me, I think I’m going to measure it by Mario Kart. I’m a Nintendo loyalist right now, and can’t see missing another release. So as long as they keep releasing the games, I’ll keep marking my life by little red shells and banana peels.



Mur Lafferty is a writer and podcaster from Durham, NC. She is host of the award-winning podcast I Should Be Writing and producer and writer behind the zombie audio drama The Takeover. Her first novel, Playing For Keeps, is scheduled for release in August from Swarm Press. She is not a mythical creature.

Does anyone need yet another excuse to go out and buy a Wii? If you're looking for a vital reason to give your parents, here it is.

USA Today is reporting that the Wii is a very useful tool in rehabilitation.

What are they calling it?

Many patients don't like Physical Therapy. Having personally dealt with PT, it becomes extremely boring very quickly. The activities performed can create painful experiences, and due to the simplicity of the exercises, the mind really has nothing else to concentrate on.

It's the truth. I think that some of the Physical Therapists work a night job as dominatrices. They enjoy their day job a little too much. The Wii does you the favor of giving you something to concentrate on while performing activities to help you recover.

The article goes on to describe how the Wii is beneficial in helping wounded soldiers.

It doesn't stop there. The elderly are using the Wii to get healthy, and one of the side effects is the elderly are using it to bond with the grandkids.

Although excessive Wii'ing does have some side effects. I have seen these effects first hand while hooking up a friends system, and letting her win the first couple games of boxing. The conversation the next day included "Are you sore from playing Wii?" I guess it really is exercise.

There are other cases too.

It is good to see the Wii being put to use to help people who have been injured or are in need of some light exercise, like the elderly. It also does a wonderful job of bringing friends and family together and creating memorable moments!

Just remember kids, Wii in moderation. To much Wii'ing will make you go blind, uhm, I mean, give you tendonitis.

DevilsReject totally lets his friends beat him at any Wii game, just to make them feel better about themselves.

Amidst all the hoopla in the $40 billion global video game industry, it seems Santa doesn't care about Blu-Ray or overpriced consoles either.

Nintendo's Wii, the little arm-waving, ass-shaking system that could, outsold Sony's Playstation 3 by more than three to one in Japan in 2007, regaining first place in total sales. Mario & Co. couldn't be happier.

Nintendo enjoys the same 3-1 margin in sales against Sony in North America. When your system can't last long enough on shelves to gather dust (and customers are left sucking the dubious cash cow cock of chain stores to buy overpriced "bundle" packages), you're doing something right.

Or, you know, your company fails at increasing supply to meet demand.

I happen to have a sunnier disposition where the Wii is concerned. Mostly because I camped out for 12 hours outside the nearest Target that fateful November morn to be #2 in line. Your personal experience may differ.

Kamide also notes the Xbox 360 is still going strong this side of the pond. That's right. Microsoft is still #1 in the US, selling more than 4 million units this past holiday. However, Bill Gates' little "Red Ring of Death"ed love child is still holding the rear in the Land of the Rising Sun.

Not to mention the problems they encountered with Xbox Live outages.

Much like the storied sports rivalries of old, the fight between the Big Three and their loyal fanbases is everlasting. I don't know about you, but I'm too busy killing zombies and saving princesses to go throw the ball around.

thefreak owns 15 different gaming systems. He's a bigger dork than you.

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Square Dildo Senses Your Arousal

A new project in porn aims to reverse your reaction. Using an awkwardly-shaed square dildo that is (thankfully) meant to be held in your hand, a connected box reads your arousal levels and tweaks the TV accordingly. The device uses a big black box with metal sensors attached to the less-than-rounded rubber. The more aroused you become, the more pixelated the porn becomes.

Phoenix Dildo Heats Up And Hardens

The holidays can often be quite cold. Between the weather and/or being single, something to keep you warm often becomes a necessity. The Phoenix wants to help combat the cold weather with keeping you warm beyond just between the sheets. Heating up to 38 degrees Celsius (about 100 degrees ), the translucent toy additionally hardens the longer you keep it on. More pleasure is optionally provided by inserting a vibrating core. Heating up the holidays is no longer only reserved for hot cocoa.

Woman Caught Cheating From Nintendo Wii

A soldier stationed in Iraq came home to a suspicious house. Friends had rumored of his wife cheating while he was away. Apparently, he went looking for hard evidence of infidelity and found it through the Wii.

Best to sanitize the Wiimote before any further bowling.

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Second Life Finds A Way To Suck More

The fact that you meet more furries than friends is only one of the reasons Second Life can suck at times. Adding to that factor, your avatar can now apparently fuck a unicorn to receive a virtual baby unicorn pet to play with. Yes, fuck - a - unicorn. While we're sure there's more than enough fetishes out there to cover a desire for some S&M with mythical, virtual creatures, being banged by a one-horned beast just doesn't play to our fancy.

Wanking With Your Wii

To anyone who said the Wii was a waste of time, a new game begs to differ. PandiPanda is a game that uses your Nintendo Wii-mote skills to their fullest. Using a graceful and quick up and down grip, the goal of the game appears to be to masturbate your panda faster than your opponent. It seems all those years of awkward high school experimentation will come in "handy" after all. [via]

Vibrator Sucks At Getting You Off

Objectifying your household objects, LoveHoney makes you look forward to chores. The Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator extends to give a good cleaning where it counts. The flow of air makes the gadget vibrate and stimulate. The site claims "you'll never moan about Hoovering again", which isn't the most accurate copywriting to an earlier claim of "better, longer orgasms".

A Wii version of Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Anniversary is well into development. With this special version of Anniversary, the Wii Remote & Nunchuck controllers allow Wii gamers to control Lara in brand new, unique ways, and there are plenty of new features, to be revealed soon.

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: Anniversary will be released for the PlayStation2 computer entertainment system, PC Games for Windows and PSP system in North America beginning June 6, 2007. An announcement on the release date for Tomb Raider: Anniversary on Wii to follow.

There's a short Q&A with Eidos President, Bill Gardner,
here.

Make a Star Wars game for the Wii with controls like this:



Can you imagine? I just about wet myself about the time the TIE Fighter blew up. This video, BTW, is a great example of why I think the Wii is the game console to own. There’s just no way that smashing a bunch of buttons on another controller would give you the same sort of thrill and satisfaction (PS3 fanboys commence flipping out in 3. . . 2. . . 1. . .).

I know this came out way back on Monday but I wanted to cover it nonetheless since it’s such a good deal, potentially. I say "potentially" because Wii Play comes packaged with a Wii remote and costs $49.99. A regular old gameless Wii remote will cost you $39.99, so basically you’re scoring a pretty decent disk of games for $10. However, the games aren’t all that great and if you don’t need a second remote, or already have one, you may want to pass.

Wii Play is a collection of nine mini-games. You start out only being able to play one game and have to work your way through to the others. Shooting Range is basically a slimmed down Duck Hunt 2.0, minus the mocking dog laughter (I hated that flea harboring bastard as a kid). It’s a pretty straight forward shooting game with balloons, disks, the occasional random duck, etc. The twist here is that one player can use two Wii remotes at the same time. If only there was something a little more menacing than big, blue balloons to shoot at.

Find Mii is a simple game where you pick out the two Miis that match or the one Mii that is different from a group. This game is good for about five-minutes of entertainment, 20 if you’re drinking heavily.

Pose Mii has you twisting and turning the remote to match the orientation of the outline of your Mii to that of a pattern on the screen. This game is good for about one-minute of entertainment. Drinking doesn’t help.

I was most excited for Table Tennis because I liked the tennis game on Wii Sports so much. I was sorely disappointed. Table Tennis is nothing like the game play for tennis on Wii Sports. You just move the cursor to where the ball is going. No swinging or anything like that. And the table is so short you have about 1/10 of a second to react. I moved on from this game as soon as I could and hope there’s a more full-fledged, tennis-like version of Table Tennis coming up instead.

Billiards didn’t live up to what I thought it would be. As far as I can tell, you can’t actually play a game of regular pool. Basically, what you do instead is hit balls into pockets and get the amount of points that were on that ball. High score wins. Once again, would love to see a fuller version of this.

Laser Hockey might be the best game on the disk. It’s basically an updated, flashier version of Pong. You can play with one player, although the two-player version is where it’s at. First person to eight points wins. I’ve definitely played this game the most.

Fishing is also surprisingly amusing even though there's not much replay value. What makes it entertaining is the force feedback on the Wii Remote. When a fish is nibbling and latches on, you can feel it. First time I’ve been fishing since I was a kid.

Charge! is like Excite Truck on a cow, only less fun. You can race a second player if you want to.

Tanks is probably the second best game on the disk and is hopefully a preview of games to come. You use the nunchuck with the remote to guide your tank around and shoot shells at opposing computer tanks. Would love to see a more hardcore tank game with the same set up and player-versus-player action (Tanks' two-player version has you trying to destroy more computer controlled tanks than your opponent.)

In the end, I regret buying Wii Play because I already had a second remote, probably won’t use the third that much, and the games themselves aren’t all that great overall. However, if you’re going to get a second remote, you might as well get Wii Play and the extra games that come with.

I, like most of you, never bothered to get a Nintendo GameCube. Let’s face it—it was an uninspiring system. Still, there were some great games made for it and now that you can play GameCube games on your Wii, it’s worth taking a look at the best ones.

Since I’ve never actually played any of these (once again, no GameCube for me) I’m looking to Gamespot.com for the goods. Here are there top 10 GameCube games according to the Web-guide.

Of course, now that I have a Wii, hopefully I'll be playing all of them eventually. From what I can tell by looking around, you can get them cheap on eBay and in used game stores. As if the Virtual Console didn't keep me busy enough.

Thanks to the release of at least three new games on the Virtual Console every week, Nintendo is helping to make Mondays suck less. And they just announced that today they’ll be making Super Mario World available for a mere $8.00 (errr….I mean 800 Wii points).

This is on top of Mario Kart 64 and Contra III: The Alien Wars being released last week. It’s a good time to be a Wii owner. You know, for $250 I think I would have still bought the Wii if the only thing it could do was play Virtual Console games.

Okay, so I know the “Wii” pun is the most overused on the Internets right now and I promise this will be the one and only time I use it. The truth is, my wife actually does like playing my Nintendo Wii. This is huge.

My wife and I have known each other for nearly eight years, and throughout our time together, she has been more than a little perplexed as to how a grown man can enjoy video games so much. It's not that she thought it was a bad thing, necessarily; she just didn't get it. I could never get her to play with me. Ever.

It kind of sucked considering how much I love my video games. I've often wished that she would share in the experience with me, but no such luck...until my Wii came along.

She had seen the ads on TV and said it looked “gimmicky.” While I didn't necessarily disagree with, I wanted a Wii in the worst way (having already made my informed decision between a Wii and a PS3. More on that later).

I happened to be at Wal-Mart (something I’m not proud of) at the exact time the electronics department got their shipment of three Wiis in. I, of course, tried to buy all three (hello eBay!) but they wouldn’t let me. I did score one for myself though.

I was so excited I literally almost hit another car on the way home, but as fate would have it, I arrived alive and immediately hooked up my Wii. My wife was there to witness the first game I played: Tennis from the Wii Sports disk. I played one best of three game. Needless to say, it was awesome.

Then I had the shock of my life.

“Let me play it once,” my wife said.

After I recovered from the initial astonishment that my wife was actually asking me to play a video game, I was faced with a serious dilemma. I had only played one game and she was asking me to give up the controller. Under normal circumstances my response would have been a heartfelt “Hell no!”

But this was my wife asking me if she could play a video game. This was something I had dreamed about for nearly a decade. I tenderly handed her the controller. She started to play. She started to smile. She busted out laughing. She was playing a video game and she was loving it.

I could have died a happy man right then and there. Fortunately, I continued on. We switched back and forth through the rest of the night, playing our way through the disk (she kicked my ass in bowling) and had a great time bonding over video games.

Finally, my dream was realized—but it kept getting better. My wife has generally regarded money spent on video games as totally wasted. That’s why I about fell over dead when she called me from the store a few days later to inform me that they had extra Wii remotes and ask if she should pick one up so we could play tennis against each other.

Uh, that would be a “yes." So she did. We even got "his and hers" colored skins for the remotes (blue and orange). Now we Wii together all the time. Life is awesome. Thank you Nintendo, for providing the Wii to a happy marriage.

Still trying to find a Nintendo Wii? Would you go to any lengths to get one? Really? Because a 28-year-old woman of Sacramento has died in a competition called "Hold your Wee for a Wii."

The people taking part in this competition were given eight ounce (225ml) bottles to drink every 15 minutes. They then moved on to larger bottles, according to fellow contestant James Ybarra, who managed five of the smaller bottles.

AP is reporting that the station said its staff were stunned at the death, but visiting the station's website, there doesn't seem to be any similar statement.

After enduring the cold, the clock, and the marine layer, the doors to Target finally opened at 8AM. About 45 people took off running, including a woman who appeared to be in her late 60s. The Target employees began yelling at us for running, threatening not to redeem our Wii tickets for consoles; the children pushed aside. A few of my comrades and I ducked into the little girls clothing aisle and sprinted towards the back of the store to the electronics department. Amazingly, the old woman had beat us all to the single Wii kiosk containing the few games they had on one side, and extra controllers on the other. I grabbed an extra controller and nun-chuck, Zedla, Redsteel, Madden 07, and made my way to the checkout counter to redeem my Wii.

That being said, I spent the rest of the day playing with my Wii. Hell, I played with my Wii 'till I passed out—only to awake to sore arms, a tender neck, and an aching upper back. In the course of a single day I had exhausted muscles I never knew existed. And I'm no n00b to fitness—I walk and jog with my dog everyday, I work out every now and again, and participate frequently in the greatest of workouts one can do while in a bed, car, or airplane bathroom (you know what I'm talking about, teehee). Yet, I have been defeated by the Wii. Now it mildly hurts to sword fight ninjas and I no longer have the will to battle giant venus fly traps.

While motion sensing controllers may sound neat, and are extremely fun, I fear for the younger generations. I mean, I always got made fun of in middle school for how defined my "masturbating" muscles were on my forearms, but now a whole new Wii generation will be made fun of before they even know how to masturbate. However, the true tragedy here concerns those who do know how to masturbate, but won't want to because their arms will be so fricken sore from playing their Wiis all day. Or maybe that's exactly what they want us to do—get exhausted, stop looking at porn, and be too tired to pull our trigger fingers.

So put down the Wii-mote or Sixaxis for a few minutes (your masturbating muscles will thank you) and share with us your next generation console stories.


Hurray for Google Image search!

Last night during the season finale of one our country's greatest television shows, Dancing with the Stars, Nintendo debuted the first U.S. broadcast commercial for its upcoming Wii console, available this Sunday. The spot features two friendly Japanese fellows unexpectedly showing up at a random household and giving them a joyous afternoon of jumping around their living room playing the Wii, and secretly drinking their hosts' lemonade.

Don't know why I am bothering to recap it, you must have already seen it last night cause you were watching Dancing with the Stars like the rest of us. Of course.

All this afternoon the intrepid editors over at Gamespot are giving their brand new Nintendo Wii test unit a marathon workout. They've also opened up a video channel showing both the game screen and also the view of the editors figuring out how to use the Wiimote.

They are taking questions from the site in real-time, so if you are curious to see the Wii in action and can't wait until November 19th, then check it out.

Forgot to pre-order that Wii or PlayStation 3? Don't feel like kicking kids with your steel-toed boots at Toys"R"Us to get the last console?

Lucky for you someone with less of a life than you has put together a website tracking shipments of the PS3 and Wii. Simply enter your zip and the site will present retail locations and the number of units being shipped to those locations on launch displayed neatly via Google Maps.

Enjoy.

Nintendo has posted a series of 8 videos showing the "experience" of playing their new Wii game console due November 19th. They're organized by country and have players of varied age and race enjoying their first time with the controller. The "revolutionary" concept of the Wii, contends Nintendo, is the physical movement involved with using the the new controller, the "Wiimote".

Whether the novelty of the game play revolutionizes how people interact with games or if the control scheme just becomes gimmicky and doesn't catch on remains to be seen, and played.

What's interesting is that you see only a tiny bit of actual game play video in these clips, the camera largely is pointed at the people as they play the game.

Check out the hot U.S. girl and the elderly Japanese couple who are so cute they must have been made in a Sanrio Cute Japanese Grandparents Factory™.

Want a shiny new Sony Playstation 3 or Nintendo Wii when they come out next month? Well, there's good news (if you want a Wii), and bad news (if you want a PS3).

Tuesday saw the first and seemingly only day of Sony Playstation 3 pre-ordering at U.S. Gamestop/EB Games stores. All pre-orders were sold within minutes. There is a possibility that this pre-order comprises the total of the first PS3 shipment, leaving many gamers out in the cold come November 17th.

Kotaku is among the handful of gaming and tech sites that have been tipped about the Gamestop/EB Games Nintendo Wii pre-order this coming Friday, October 13th. Reports that Nintendo is exceeding production expectations indicates that there might be more available Wii consoles at launch than the PS3.

Major retailer Best Buy is not taking pre-orders for either console.