Asshole Fuckface Roundup #99
How long has it been since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup? Seven days? Feels like a week. Youd think after all the thrashings theyve received on this sweet, sweet website, that they would run and hide for the rest of their lives. But they cant. They have to do their evil deeds and shame all of mankind. Thank God I am here to drag them out of the darkness for you to mock. And this week there will be plenty of mocking because these creeps exhibit extra Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put on your favorite leather rug because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some Canadian Asshole Fuckfacery.
Whats worse than beating a seal to death with a club? How about advocating for the guys who beat seals to death with clubs? Canadas Governor General, Michaelle Jean, knows how to show her solidarity with seal clubbers. The poor seal clubbers are upset because the European Union voted to ban seal products on the grounds that the seal hunt is cruel. I guess. I mean, if you think beating something to death with a blunt instrument is cruel, then it is. Hippy.
Hundreds of Inuit at a community festival gathered Monday as Jean knelt above a pair of seal carcasses and used a traditional ulu blade to slice the meat off the skin. After cutting through the flesh, Jean turned to the woman beside her and asked: "Could I try the heart?"
Sure. Did you want to bathe in the blood, too? Maybe put the seal eyes in your eye sockets and run around screaming?
After swallowing a piece whole and deeming it tasty, Jean, whose post is largely ceremonial, defended the hunt as an eons-old traditional hunting practice that is not inhumane.
Well, who can argue with someone that makes such a convincing point? I bet if you eat the seal anus, everyone in the world would reverse all seal product bans.
A spokeswoman for EU Environment Commissioner Stavros Dimas offered no official reaction.
"No comment; it's too bizarre to acknowledge," Barbara Helfferich said.
How about an official, What the fuck? I think its in order.
But, Newfoundland sealer Jack Troake chuckled after hearing of Jean's actions.
"That's great stuff," he said. "You've got some of these environmentalists that are going to jump on her, but I think she's strong enough. She can take that, I think."
Yeah. Great stuff. Shes really helping your cause. Too bad Jeffrey Dahlmer is dead or you could sign him up, too.
Next up, some phone company Asshole Fuckfacery.
A 62-year-old man from Carrollton, Ohio flipped out this week. The local Sheriff received a call because he was destroying the house and breaking windows and other items. Dude then grabbed a bunch of pills and ran off. Law enforcement officials were very worried about the mans life, so they began a search.
Two K-9 units, several fire departments and 100 individuals on foot also were involved in the search for the man, who Sheriff Dale Williams said fled his residence on Kensington Rd. after a domestic disturbance call to deputies.
Police officers also decided to call his cell phone provider in an attempt to use his cell phone signal to locate him. Unfortunately, the Verizon operator was an Asshole Fuckface.
Williams said he attempted to use the mans cell phone signal to locate him, but the man was behind on his phone bill and the Verizon operator refused to connect the signal unless the sheriffs department agreed to pay the overdue bill.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Guy might be dead. Right. Thats kind of a bummer, but Ive got shit going on on my end, too. Like a bill. A huge bill.
After some disagreement, Williams agreed to pay $20 on the phone bill in order to find the man. But deputies discovered the man just as Williams was preparing to make arrangements for the payment.
Twenty dollars, yo. You think Verizon can take that kind of a hit? The economy is no bueno, amigo. Fortunately, when paramedics got there, the man was unconscious and unresponsive. Yay, Verizon! You guys should put that in an ad.
- We will leave you dying in a field over $20. Its a huge network!
Thats some kick ass PR right there.
Next up, some culinary Asshole Fuckfacery.
If you were planning on having dinner at Ming's BBQ on Buford Highway in Doraville, Georgia, feel free to cancel your reservations. Earlier this year, police discovered some awesome stuff in back of the restaurant. They took pics!
They showed grease traps overflowing, pigs stacked in buckets, boxes of raw meat sitting outside and pieces of raw meat hanging from a fence.
Mmmm. I love pigs stacked in buckets outside. It's yummy and that's exactly how they describe it on the menu.
There's also a picture of what police and the city solicitor describe as a dead skinned cat.
That obviously was the most disturbing thing we saw," said Lee Perkins, Doraville City Solicitor. "The cat appeared to be, it was the head and tail and skin of the cat. As the pictures show, it was right in back of the restaurant."
Um. Shouldnt you hide the cat skin after you killed it and cooked it for customers? Just tossing it out back seems kinda stupid. I always put my cat skins in the sewer.
Of course, health inspectors acted swiftly.
"Did you consider closing it for good?" Leslie asked.
"That is a last resort," Cira said. "We do not begin any inspection with that in mind."
Instead, inspectors returned six times over the next two weeks.
Thank you for not closing the cat killing, pigs in buckets out back, raw meat kickin it in the backyard restaurant.
On January 28, Ming's scored a failing 59.
But by February 10, the score jumped to 96.
Oh, and one time they served cat.
Finally, some governator Asshole Fuckfacery.
Asshole Fuckface Arnold will be leaving his post as California Governor soon. In his wake, he will leave a state destroyed by anti-tax Republican retardation. Now, I cant believe a washed up action star couldnt turn the state around. I mean, who would have thought a man who acts like a tough guy in movies, who came to fame by making big muscles, couldnt handle the complexity of governing a massive state like California?
Arnolds first step was to follow the Republican mantra. His first day in office he cut the Vehicle License Fee, which eliminated $6.5 billion per year from the state coffers. Over his time in office, that one move has led to a $35 billion dollar increase in state debt. He also convinced voters to pay off the budget deficit in his first year with a $15 billion dollar bond thereby pushing the debt and allowing us to pay interest on it.
Now he wants to lay off 5,000 state employees during a recession. Genius. He also wants to cut $5.4 billion from schools, because our schools rank amongst the worst in the country. Why? Oh, tax cuts gutted our schools in the late '70s and our kids have suffered ever since. Arnold also wants borrow $7.5 billion for local governments. You know, the local governments suffering through a recession and years of cuts because of the GOPs anti-tax no matter what policy. Oh, and the governator also wants to lease more sites for off shore oil drilling to bring in $100 million. Problem is, the state doesnt have an oil severance tax. Can you see Republicans agreeing to tax the oil companies? If you can, youre an idiot. They enjoy the slash and burn policies of stupidity.
Now the same Governor is proposing reckless cuts that would deny over two million Californians health coverage the most profound rollback of coverage in state history. In attempting to close Californias over $21 billion budget deficit, the Governor has ruled out considering taxes or other revenues to protect the very same programs he was seeking to expand a mere year and a half ago.
Oh, but its not just programs he was trying to expand, he also wants to cut funding that keeps people alive. His cuts will also affect 35,000 Californians who count on state funding to get their HIV/AIDS medications.
And they heard from a woman named Lynnea Garbutt who has lived with AIDS all of her 24 years.
She has survived with the help of a state program that provides the expensive antiviral drugs she takes. Now, with that program facing elimination, she pleaded with lawmakers to save it -- and her life.
"If these cuts take place, you're not just cutting money from the program -- you're cutting my life," she told the panel, her voice shaking and tears falling. "I choose to live. Please don't make me die. My choice is life."
Shit, Im sorry, but Republicans refuse to raise any taxes. Bummer you have to die because of it, but its a moral thing. It would be immoral to take money that is not yours, sicko.
Arnold will be gone in 18 months, leaving complete destruction. Thats the Republican way. Insane, deluded, idiotic, childish policies that lead to a disaster.
And as goes California, so goes the nation.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper
Its About Fucking Time: Wireless Edition
Can you believe its taken almost 30 years* for major cell phone companies to introduce unlimited calling plans? Please dont mention cricKet or Boost Mobile, this is a serious piece.
AT&T and Verizon both announced Tuesday that they are now offering unlimited wireless calling plans starting at $99.99 a month for both consumers and businesses.
Word has it that T-Mobile and Sprint are also on the bandwagon. AT&T seems to have the best deal so far.
at $135 for unlimited voice, messaging and data, though it's capped at 5GB a month. Verizon's is $15 more a month, but it's got better coverage. Sprint's unlimited requires a separate Power Vision or Blackberry data plan for smartphones, otherwise it might come out on top. And well, T-Mobile doesn't have 3G. So, nothing to really jump providers for, yet, since there's more than flat pricing to consider.
We should have seen this coming when Alltel introduced my circle, and T-Mobile quickly followed them with myFaves, plans that let you call up to five numbers on any carrier as much as you want for free. In the last few weeks, Alltel upped the ante by offering up to twenty numbers, free, depending on the plan you select.
Thank God AT&T and Verizon said to hell with it and made the jump. Let the unlimited access wars begin.
punk seems to remember a bit about the reason cell phones have rate plans was related to the use of wireless channels; rate plans discouraged people from talking on their cell phones all the time, so more channels would be available in total for all subscribers in the area. Oh, and money is sweet. Please correct him if hes wrong.
* The first commercial cellular network was established in Japan, 1979.
Verizon: No Fetus Texting!
The young kids today love to text message. This has caused political action groups to start text-messaging programs to get their message out. For the most part, the politicians and advocacy groups that use texts are liberal. The reason for that is because conservatives are usually too stupid to understand modern technology and they are poor, often only possessing an AM radio.
The National Right to Life Committee, an anti-abortion group, does not have anything to do with text messages. But their counterpart, Naral Pro-Choice America has a very active text-messaging program. Except on Verizon, because the company has rejected Narals request to set up a text-messaging program. Turns out that Verizon doesn't allow controversial or unsavory text messages.
In turning down the program, Verizon, one of the nations two largest wireless carriers, told Naral that it does not accept programs from any group that seeks to promote an agenda or distribute content that, in its discretion, may be seen as controversial or unsavory to any of our users.
PLZ keep ABortIN LEGZ. 4EAE KEWL
Wow, I kind of get what Verizon is saying. That may be the most controversial and unsavory thing I have ever typed. My fingers need a bleach bath. If I had actually texted that, Verizon may have gotten AIDS.
Yet, Verizon has no obligation to accept every political action group that comes along. The First Amendment limits governments but private companies can do whatever the hell they want. What would stop Verizon from restricting text messages, is a threat by all their customers to drop the company if they did not change their policy. But that will never happen, because we live in America, home of the lazy complainer.
This is a very odd decision for a company to make, however. Verizon has decided to forgo profits for
what? So that people wont communicate controversial messages? What the fuck is that? They are a communications company, whose sole purpose is to provide people ways to communicate and to make boat loads of cash. They shouldnt give a shit what those communications are. And yet they do. This is the scary side of our massive corporate controlled world. This is why so many people are concerned about Net Neutrality.
This is right at the heart of the problem, said Susan Crawford, a visiting professor at the University of Michigan law school, referring to the treatment of text messages. The fact that wireless companies can choose to discriminate is very troubling.
Just a bit. Fortunately other wireless companies have accepted the Naral text program. Their customers can get messages from Naral, like this one.
End Bushs global gag rule against birth control for worlds poorest women! Call Congress. (202) 224-3121. Thnx! Naral Text4Choice.
But Verizon customers, who are paying the company to provide them with wireless service, will not get any text messages. Even if they want them. Thankfully, we live in a free market world. All they have to do is break their contract, pay the massive fee and then sign up with another company. That way they can punish Verizon by giving them a big check. Its the free market!