Let's face it, you're either a lover or a hater. Myself, I can't help but drown myself in Starbucks coffee at every available opportunity. It's probably my biggest sin, and if I go to Hell it'll all be worth it.

Simply go to My Starbucks T-Shirt to create your favourite drink and see it in a fab design by Michael Knight of Project Catwalk. (Sorry, no Tall Skinny Bitchaccino available.)

Unfortunately, all of the free personalized shirts are gone. You can, however, still get your hands on a signed celebrity version and do something good for charity while you're at it.

You can bid on the celebrity tees at clothesoffourback.org. With names like Daniel Dae Kim (of Lost), Melina Kanakaredes (CSI: NY) and Seth Green on board, they will cost you a pretty penny. If you are happy to end up with lesser known names like Evan Ross the prices are still reasonable. In the end though, it's all for charity so if you can afford it and you want it don't hold back.

If you're broke, or have no interest in celebrity names you can always get a desktop or icon with your own drink. Want to know what mine is? You only get to know if you promise to treat me to one.

Clothes Off Our Back charity auctions are here.
Customise your drink here.

Since I started this column, I’ve received a steady stream of fan mail as well as letters asking for advice. I came across the following article Man Ordered To Wear "sex offender" T-Shirt this week, and was pleasantly surprised when I was contacted by someone whom on the surface appeared to be the same individual.

DEAR JONATHAN KESSELMAN: I am a married 69-year-old man who lives and works in the great state of Vermont. Recently, I was arrested for the second time for exposing my shriveled genitalia to a 10-year-old girl while working outdoors. I know I have a problem. Although I am happily married, I feel compelled to expose myself to little girls. I will serve time, and then I will receive counseling. With God’s help I will one day hopefully be able to put an end to this abhorrent behavior.

However, after going to court, the judge ordered that I wear a shirt labeled, “I Am A Registered Sex Offender” for two years upon my release from prison. Clearly, wearing this piece of clothing will decimate by business as well as prevent me from ever reconciling with my wife, or anyone else, for that matter, in my life.

There are no words to describe how sorry I am for what I have done. However, how can I begin the redemptive process, make amends with my wife, and not go bankrupt with the judgment that has been handed down to me?

VIOLATED IN VERMONT

DEAR VIOLATED IN VERMONT--

First off let me say, dude, that sucks. I live across the street from this elementary school, and I love how the light pours through my windows in the morning. It’s really humid where I live, and my bed happens to be right near the window facing the school. To combat chafing throughout the day, I lay prone on my bed each morning and bend my legs back to expose my sack while sprinkling Gold Bond Medicated Powder© on my testes. Until I read your letter, I had no idea how dangerous this exposure was. Thanks for the heads up!

Anyway, in response to your question, the answer is really very simple. You need to pack up your shit and hop on the first plane to Brooklyn or Los Angeles, preferably to the areas known as Williamsburg or Silver Lake (respectively). To further clarify, Williamsburg and Silver Lake are the East and West Coastal epicenters of ironic, disaffected Hipsterdom.

Aside from being unshaven, using “product” to create the “bedhead” hairstyle, and wearing newly bought store jeans that appear to be one seam away from disintegration; the single most important defining component to the inhabitants of these two townships is the “Ironic-T.”

To understand the “Ironic-T,” let me delve deeper into the modern-age Hipster mentality. The cornerstone of this lifestyle philosophy is, what I like to call, “The Whatever.” Past generations have employed their own version of “The Whatever;” namely, “The Cold Chillin’,” “The Keepin’ It Real,” and “The Livin’ Da Vida Loca!” {Roughly translated, “Livin’ The Crazy Life!"}

Here’s how “The Whatever” works:

Say you find yourself drinking a Brooklyn Lager at a Yo La Tengo show in Hoboken, NJ, and strike up a conversation with a cute, perky spoken-word poet from Fort Greene with boyish hair who ‘daylights’ as a Barista at a high-octane-caffeine, free-trade coffee shop, and it comes to the point in the evening in which you ask for her number. A non-Hipster might ask, “Do you think I could get your number and give you a call sometime?” Well, Violated In Vermont, let me tell you, that man would not only go home digit-less, but might unknowingly find a loogie hiding out in the foam of his Latte the next time he ordered an espresso drink.

The Hipster, on the other hand, would respond to the same scenario in the following manner:

Hipster With ‘Brooklyn Industries’ Hoodie And FEMALE Genitalia: “So, like, here’s my phone number. But I don’t really care if you call or don’t call. I’m just giving it to you because I feel like it. But whatever.”

Hipster With ‘Brooklyn Industries’ Hoodie And MALE Genitalia: “What!? You think I care that you think I care that you gave me your number? I don't care. And I might call you or I might not call you. It doesn't matter anyway, so whatever.”

Hipster With ‘Brooklyn Industries’ Hoodie And FEMALE Genitalia: “You think I care that you even care that I think you care if you call me? I don't care. You could call me or you couldn't call me. Doesn't matter to me. So, whatever.”

Hipster With ‘Brooklyn Industries’ Hoodie And MALE Genitalia: “Fine. Cool. Whatever.”

Hipster With ‘Brooklyn Industries’ Hoodie And FEMALE Genitalia: “Whatever. Fine. Cool.”

At this point, both parties would separate sound in the knowledge that they would later engage in overly-analyzed, committed yet non-committal sexual relations. Also, the Hipster With The Male Genitalia would also be confident in the knowledge that he would not be fishing loogies out from the foam of his Latte.

So, Violated In Vermont, now that you understand “The Whatever,” you now have the tools to grasp the “Ironic-T.” There has been some dispute as to when the “Ironic-T” was created, but most scholars agree that it was created by “Indie” Rock and Roll Musicians approximately around the same time they rolled out the phrase “DIY.”

An “Ironic-T” is as any T-Shirt made from the lowest grade material(s) that the Hipster will claim he/she found on the floor of his/her apartment earlier that day, and just “threw on.” This, however, is a fallacy.

In fact, in order for the shirt to qualify as an “Ironic-T,” the Hipster must have spent AT LEAST two days in various thrift shops in either Brooklyn or on Los Angeles’ Melrose Ave. It is imperative that the shirt appear to have been created sometime during the period of 1971 through 1996, and that the logo, and/or slogan, and/or design of the T-Shirt must operate on one or more of the following “Ironic-T Principles”:

1) The logo/slogan/design must never categorize, or label you, or put you in a box...or, like, whatever.

2) The logo/slogan/design is in direct opposition to how the Hipster sees himself privately or presents himself publicly (e.g. “The Cowboy Shirt,” “The High-Roller Casino Shirt,” “The Bowling Shirt, The Car Mechanic Shirt.”)

3) The logo/slogan/design contains a ‘Revolutionary’ visage or similar ‘Revolutionary’ symbology. Examples include The Che Guevara-T (CGT) or The Communist Russian Propaganda-T (CRPT)

4) The logo/slogan/design is a silkscreen of a popular Arcade/Cartoon/ Kung Fu figure or symbol (e.g. Atari, Space Invaders, Fat Albert, Speed Racer, or Bruce Lee with his crazy “I’ll fuck your shit up" eyes, complete with Nun Chucks…)

5) The Obscure Beer/Band-T (The OBBT). It is imperative that the wearer of this shirt have absolutely ZERO knowledge of that particular bands’ music or of the beers’ country of origin. If the wearer DOES know these things, then he/she is actually wearing an…

6) I’m Superior To You-T (ISTY-T). These are self-explanatory. If you don’t get it, then you’re a fucking idiot! Pfff. Whatever…

7) The Ironic Religious-T (The IRT). For example, a ‘Jesus Is My Homeboy,’ T-shirt falls into the IRT category, because Jesus is, in fact, nobody's homeboy. No, not even Pat Robertson's.

8) And lastly, the Negative Ironic Portrayal-T (NIP-T). This, Violated In Vermont, is where you might want to pay close attention…

In the case of your dilemma, you are being forced to wear a very unflattering Negative Ironic Portrayal T-Shirt (NIP-T). In your case, however, the Ironic nature of the shirt has been rendered non-existent. You ARE, in fact, a registered sex offender. While Vermont is a beautiful state, the Hip level of its inhabitants is directly correlated to the number of Phish bootlegs owned. I can tell you with great certainty that in your home state your shirt will fall on deaf eyes. They will burn you at the stake as they dance circles around your “funeral pyre,” lighting “kind buds” off of your melting carcass while they flail about in rapture to the sounds of Bouncing Round The Room. Not a good scenario for you.

However, in Brooklyn or Silver Lake, your Vermont court-issued death sentence will instantly be transformed into an “Ironic-T.” You will be a hero! People will ask you where you got your shirt. DO NOT tell them the truth.

Tell them, “This old thing? Pfff. Whatever. I found it lying on the floor of my apartment.”

They might prod further, asking if they can buy it. Tell them that you don’t believe in the "antediluvian bourgeois American capitalist system." If they try and barter for the shirt, tell them that your ex-“chick,” a perky spoken-word poet/Barista gave it to you, so it has sentimental value. Tell them it was a bad breakup, but like, whatever, you’ve decided to show her you DON’T CARE by wearing the T-shirt every day.

I hope this was helpful, and I look forward to seeing you and your “I Am A Registered Sex Offender T-Shirt” at a Yo La Tengo show in the very near future.

Best,

Jonathan Kesselman

Jon_Kesselman, like, doesn't care if you, like, dug this article or not. To him, it's just like, whatever.

PS: Jon (Me) needs your help. He will write to you about his Internet Panhandling Experiment in next week's Suicide Watch. For now, to help him pay his rent next month, click the link below...

Click Here To Help Jon With The Rent - PPS: This Has NOTHING To Do With Hurricane Katrina

Crowded Teeth is a California-based apparel company run singly by designer Michelle Romo. Armed with a wonderful collection of t-shirts, scarves, mittens and more, Crowded Teeth is quickly blossoming into an exciting collection, charmed with unique and constantly rotating designs and enthusiasm for cute products. I briefly interviewed Michelle to find out more.


Crowded Teeth tee on "Scrubs"

SUSIE GHAHREMANI: Tell me a little about your background.

CROWDED TEETH: Right now I'm living and working in LA and I love it. I hardly ever go out or even do anything, but just knowing there is this giant city of opportunity really makes me stoked. I never went to school; I'm a big loser drop out. I wish I could go back to school for some kind of fine art because my hand drawing and painting skills are totally lacking. My life consists of a full time regular day job from 9-5 and Crowded Teeth from 6-2. It's hard but I love it. It keeps me busy and lets me have my own little creative bubble.



SG: What's the story behind Crowded Teeth? How did you begin, what's your mission, your aspirations for the line?

CT: Crowded Teeth has only been around a couple of years, but I started doing Yellow Toothpick 6 years ago. Yellow Toothpick was basically Crowded Teeth lite.

I started out just wanting to make t-shirts with cute designs. I bought a heat-press and started doing cheap tees, and progressed into sewing handmade items. Eventually it became what it is today - random cute products with a strong base of tees and hoodies. I'm still doing what I set out to do - but I hope some day I can grow my line into this massive amazing thing. I just want to make all kinds of different products (jewelry, houseware, clothing, etc.)

SG: What's your favorite CT product at the moment?

CT: My favorite product is anything with the Teru Teru Bozu. It just reminds me of being a kid.
A teru teru bozu is a little thing you make out of tissue when it rains and you hang it in the window to make the rain go away. It's a Japanese thing.

I am such a half-assed cultural person but I loved making those little guys when I was a kid. People always mistake him for a ghost, or a jellyfish. But I know what he is and I love him.



Also I am totally crazy about my scarves and mittens. I think it just feels like such a big step for me and it was such a huge project. I'm proud and excited to have my apartment looking like a warehouse.

SG: What inspires/influences your work?

CT: I live in LA and I'm lucky to be surrounded by art and art shows and interesting people doing new things. Right now my favorite artist is Audrey Kawasaki, her artwork is really different than mine but it totally inspires me. It's just so beautiful. Ryan McGiness is also one of my favorite people of all time. I don't ever want to copy these people's styles, but just looking at their stuff makes my heart flutter and my brain get into "work mode."

A lot of stuff from my childhood also influences me. I think I had a pretty great time growing up and I try to re-create things I liked from when I was little into my everyday life. For example: I also like Japanese things and vintage packaging. My mom is Japanese and every other summer my grandparents would visit and would bring me little trinkets and food items from Japan, and I never fully grasped onto the culture but those summers were enough to influence me. And my American grandma had an amazing assortment of products that she kept from the 50's and 60's so her house had a lot of that design to it.



SG: How do you overcome feeling drained of inspiration or out of ideas?

CT: I nap and play video games. Honestly.

SG: What's your favorite texture?

CT: Paper! All kinds too! Sometimes I touch paper with a really smooth finish and it makes my hands hurt and I get weird chills. And sometimes the way old books feel; like the pages might rip - is great.

SG: What's your guilty pleasure?

CT: Like a lot of girls, I like to shop and buy stupid shit. I think I am not girly in a lot of ways but I love shoes way too much. I love shoes so much I really do feel weird about it.

SG: What's next for Crowded Teeth?

CT: My Fall line is going to be available in October, that will keep me busy for a while. And I'm going to try to host an art show in October or November. I am doing the Los Angeles Bazaar Bizarre in December, I will probably be at Pool [trade show] in Vegas in February. Mostly I'll just be working, working, working.

S. Britt is a superstar illustrator with a retro graphic style and a totally bizarre sense of humor. Case in point: his latest creation, limited-edition t-shirts proclaiming "the best thing about me is I am not lousy."

Photo Location

Please embrace randomness and the good art of S. Britt by not being lousy.

Chicago's T-shirt Deli whips up custom shirts with a side of chips. Pick your article of clothing (women, men, babies, kids and dogs are all invited), choose your old school style iron-on lettering, type in your phrase and there you have it: a fresh, tasty t-shirt of your very own.

For those outside the windy city, you can still dish up your own T-shirt Deli t-shirt on the web, but they may not mail the chips.


Photo Location

T-Shirt Deli is located at 1739 Damen Ave, Chicago, IL 60647, near the Damen stop on the blue line. For more info, check out the website.

Lekkner, humanitarian, DIY designer and avid recycler, is best known for her ability to whip up an old t-shirt into something new: a dress, skirt, hoodie, tank top, pouch, pretty much anything you can imagine. Her sought after creations disappear almost instantly when brought for sale on her site, Lekkner.com. Her motto is "turning wack into wearable."

So, much to the appreciation and demand of those with enormous, frumpy tees, she now offers up her unique t-shirt reconstruction patterns for sale in her shop so you can Do It Yourself. Each envelope comes with a set of instructions, a pattern to trace out on your old t-shirt, and optional extra fabric for trim to give it that Lekkner look.


Photo Location

Although she leaves the reconstruction up to the buyer, each package is completely recycled and handmade:

Photo Location

For those who miss out on the original reconstructions for sale in her shop and aren't up to the task of doing it themselves, Lekkner also offers Custom T-shirt Reconstruction. PIck a style, send in your shirt, and voila. Wack becomes wearable.