"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

That's what the guy sitting across the chintzy Formica table from me wanted to know.

“Ummm…”

Seven days earlier I'd seen the same insane footage you had. Tom Cruise laying out what Scientology means to him in a soon-to-be-banned indoctrination video. It was everywhere, even parodied by former SG columnist Jon Kesselman. After multiple viewings I was able to discern this much.

1) We can safely say, Tom's "pro-Scientology." Oh yeah. Maybe you thought the connections were overblown, exaggerated even. Nope. He loves the shit out of Scientology. Loves it like you love, well, probably nothing. Maybe drugs.

2) Scientologists are just as into acronyms as the rest of us. If there’s any common ground, at all, to be found among E-meter using, Suppressive Person hating Scientologists and the rest of us fun-loving thetan-filled jerks it’s that we all enjoy shortening our words into catchy sequences of letters. It’s fun, rewarding, and probably saves time once people have got ‘em down. That’s gotta be worth something, right? “We’re not so different, you and I… Oh, what’s that? You guys believe… Oh. Heh, okay, TCB!”

3) Sometimes the above statement will be followed up with a “whooshing airplane sound.” Possibly this plane is piloted by John Travolta.

4) Scientology can be summed up with the assessment, “You’re either doing it, or you’re not.” You may have noticed that this is something Scientology shares with every other activity on the planet. Also, Tom claims to be able to tell if you’re actually doing it, or not. Not unlike the messy room I grew up in. I could either clean it or not, but I wasn’t going outside until I did. Similar to Tom, my mother knew whether I’d really cleaned or just piled stuff in the closet. Stuff I didn’t want found. Or found out. Cough.

Here are some highlights:

Midway through my planned snide remark I realized, “Shit, I think I kinda remember hearing about him saving people from some accident a while back.” That scrapped that cheap shot. For him. But where the hell’s Jenna Elfman been? I haven’t seen her so much as helping change a flat-tire on the Cahuenga Pass. Travolta? Lady from "Cheers"? Maybe a little less Scientology, and a little more Try-entology, huh, guys.

Tom, I’m a little unclear on that “not onboard, onboard” part, can we go over it one more time?

Also, “putting your ethics in someone,” is that an outpatient procedure? What if I’m not sure where someone’s ethics have been, but he IS a Scientologist, is this still something you’d recommend or…

You can call yourself anything you like but I’ve found that the most effective authorities are the ones actually recognized by someone, um, not included in the “authority.”

And, also, I’m sorry, you’re the authority on drugs… AND the mind? And rehabbing criminals? I’d be more inclined to believe you if you just picked one thing. It’s like this restaurant near me that claims to have the best burgers… hot dogs… chicken and seafood on the west coast. I’d have let “hot dog” slide but, yeah you’re overreaching just a bit with that other stuff. Especially considering you’re located inside an old railcar on the Sunset Strip.

He goes on, and there are newer leaked clips around, one, notable for the ill-advised, possibly criminal line “Why ask permission? We are the authorities.” But I think we get the gist. Sure, I enjoy snarkily writing jokes that shit on someone’s misguided beliefs as much as the next guy, but, this time I felt like going slightly further. This is bigger than the typical asinine news story and maybe it required something beyond just reading something. Which brings me to the opening line, delivered by my new Scientological pal, at the headquarters of Scientology conveniently located on L. Ron Hubbard Drive.

The electronic billboard out front offers a “Free Personality Test,” between flashes touting the worldwide to-date sales of Dianetics. (More than 10.) I wasn’t sure what to expect. Wall to wall drones frantically covering sacred texts as I walked through the glass doors seemed a bit much, but I had to at least take a look, right? Maybe they had something? Maybe something worthwhile? Could I honestly say, one way or the other, without having gone down there firsthand to experience it? The answer is, of course, yes, I could’ve, but I went to the trouble anyway.

People flit about in oddly nautical attire, white-shirt adorned with the shoulder decorations of a Princess Cruise veteran. I asked about taking the free test and they led me to a mostly empty classroom, walls crammed with various charts and photos of prior successes. A dumpy, middle-aged fellow made his way through the test. Two hundred questions including the following:

1) Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

(Wow, it’s like they could see into the future!)

2) Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

(A question no doubt included to placate the “world’s most boring Scientologist,” who’s looking to make a few pen pals.)

98) Would you use corporal punishment on a child, aged ten, if it refused to obey you?

(If I told “it” once, I told it a thousand times, stay out of daddy’s secret drawer.)

I answered the questions as honestly as possible, though some were perhaps intentionally vague. I was told to wait in the lobby after the test’s completion, while they analyzed my score. The receptionist broke up her occasional iPhoning to tell me, “It would only be a few more minutes.” (iPhone? What, no Hubbardyne 6000?)

Several awkward, and yes, seemingly haze-covered people entered and exited. Then “Ruben” beckoned me into a depressingly office-like cubicle. (Where’s the burnished steel? The moon rock?) The ultimate how-full-of-shit-are-they conclusion rested on my results.

My scores were all over the map, though with several firmly in the “Attention Urgent” category. His analysis? “You sometimes get frustrated when you put things off, only to discover that it’s now to late to do them …” This seemed incredibly insightful until I recalled checking the “+” box next to the question reading “Do you sometimes put things off, and then realize it’s too late to do them.”

Similar to his conclusion that I often “find myself going off in many directions at once.” Which is exactly the way the question I marked “yes” to, read. (as indicated again, by a plus sign) On the off chance I wasn’t following, he then proceeded to draw a circle representing “me,” and added “arrows” indicating “me going off in many directions.” If only there was a box I could check indicating, I understood what words meant, and don’t often require diagrams when not defusing bombs. Another analysis/consulting-of-the-answer-I-gave-earlier resulted in yet another diagram. This one: an “X” representing me, next to a line blocking me from a scribble representing my “goal.” Nice. Finally, after several free movie screening offers, a request for me to purchase a book and, “if I was in a hurry to get there,” classes, the question came…

"What do you want to get out of Scientology?"

“I think I’ve got it, thanks”*




* Actually, I hemmed and hawed, then said I “wasn’t sure.” I also admitted my biggest problem was laziness which, thankfully, he didn’t respond to with a crudely drawn diagram of me sitting in a recliner eating a sandwich

I just want to remind you, dear reader, that you are in the "Celeb" section of the newswire and what you're about to read is some Tom Cruise gossip.

It was "proven" this week by "Private Investigator" Paul Barresi and reported to the intellectually stimulating rag In Touch, that Tom Cruise is straight.

Let me explain why I put private investigator in quotes. Although I'm sure Paul Barresi is a capable PI, it's interesting to note that he was a porn star before becoming a super-sleuth.

Oh! I almost forgot. Barresi claims to have been John Travolta's lover in the late 1980's.

Perhaps PI Paul is now at the mercy of the Church of Scientology? Perhaps he must atone and spend his time discrediting other men who want money to tell their story of gay love affairs with Tom Cruise?

One reader on the Operation Clambake website transcribed a bit from the actual In Touch article:

Think of how unhappy Cruise and Travolta's lives must be if they are closeted. It's a lot of work to hide your feelings, desires, raise children in a fake marriage and fund an entire church/cult organization.

Rumor has it that Team Cruise is behind this gossip rag article that proves his heterosexuality as a sort of pre-emptive strike. Biographer Andrew Morton is in the process of releasing a tell-all book about Cruise that delves into his secret sex life. But Morton is the one ultimately paying the price. He's currently in hiding because of the intimidation tactics that are being used on him by the Church of Scientology.

I truly hope that this can be an interactive as well as learning experience (for me at least.) I have questions about the importance of Tom Cruise's sexuality in Hollywood. I want us to dig deep and come up with answers as to why he would need to be closeted (if he is gay.) I already know the obvious answer. He's a Hollywood star. Straight women would be disappointed. Straight men would fly off in a violently homophobic rage in the movie theatre. The studios won't let him, blah, blah, blah.

But hiding anything doesn’t seem quite in line with every aspect of Cruise's personality. This is the man who told Brooke Shields to take vitamins for post-partum depression. He called Matt Lauer "glib". If anyone could make gay the new straight, it's Tom Cruise. He practically owns the Church of Scientology. I'm sure that Tom could convince his fellow Level Six-ers that being gay is okay. Don't you think?

I hate to admit that when I'm not out fighting crime or stopping global warming, I really do want to know the details of Tom Cruise's and John Travolta's sex lives. Do they not want to be gay and are therefore denying and repressing it? Are they joining the Church of Scientology to 'make it all go away'? Were they brainwashed by Scientology into thinking that gay is bad and it was too late for them to leave? Do they actively have sex with men and hide it or are they celibate?

Perhaps the closest I'll ever come to an answer is from a stranger on a message board who claims to have inside information:

What’s up with celebrities and 9/11 this week? On the one hand, we have Rosie O’Donnell claiming that 9/11 was the first time that fire has ever melted steel. Now, we’ve got uber-nut Tom Cruise hosting a gala to promote his Scientology-based detox program for workers at the WTC site who are suffering from poor health.

The controversial program, which consists of high doses of niacin, sitting in a steam room, and taking frequent showers has been understandably adopted by many desperate and sick workers, but has been roundly denounced in the medical community as quackery. Ironically, since the program’s most ardent spokesman has been Mr. Cruise, one of the benefits that this program claims is an increase in IQ.

I suppose that a joke about that would just be glib, right Tom?

Here’s Tommy, railing against junk science:

Tom Cruise and fiancée Katie Holmes arrived in Rome this week for their November 18th wedding. It promises to be quite a spectacle--the couple planned the ceremony in an Italian castle. The bride and groom prepared a huge guest list that reeks of money, fame, and power: Senator John Kerry; fellow scientologist weirdos John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Kirstie Alley; Victoria and David Beckham; and, of course, Cruise’s kids from his marriage. Designer Giorgio Armani created $2 million worth of wedding clothes for the couple to wear as tenor Andrea Bocelli serenades guests.

While all that bullshit is kind of interesting, I’m most interested in the super-freaky wedding vows the two will exchange. Despite Holmes’ Catholic upbringing, she and Cruise planned a “traditional” Scientology ceremony, whatever that means.

Festivities begin Thursday and climax Sunday with the couple exchanging vows. Sunday also kicks off the countdown to the divorce.

Nice man-bangs.

Tom Cruise landed a new gig not long after Paramount chairman Sumner Redstone fired his bat-crazy ass last summer. CEO Harry E. Sloan announced Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer hired Cruise to resurrect the foundering United Artists movie studio. Sloan gave Cruise and Cruise’s producing partner, Paula Wagner, complete control over the studio’s production slate with Cruise, of course, staring in UA films.

United Artist’s turbulent past concerned MGM honchos. For some unexplained reason, they think Cruise can restore the studio to its former glory.

Cruise generated a shitload of cash for the studio with 1988’s hit film, Rain Man, which went on to win four Oscars. Sloan hopes Cruise can keep his shit together long enough to generate a shitload more cash for the studio.

Although Cruise has no useful business experience, his questionable acting ability and his crazy Scientology shit undoubtedly prepared him for the corporate world.

Cruise with producing partner, Paula Wagner

In a rather appropriate turn of events, Tom Cruise and fiancé Katie Holmes decided to hold their November 18th wedding in the former home of Italian dictator Benito Mussolini.

While chilling in Paris last month with homegirl Victoria Beckham, Holmes began scoping out wedding locations in the lakes region of Northern Italy. Holmes apparently fell in love with Mussolini’s WWII base near Lake Garda. Since WWII, the dictator’s home changed hands several times, and it’s now a hotel called Villa Feltrinelli.

Why am I not surprised by the craziness of this “couple?”

Yay for sham marriages!

Tom Cruise is determined not to walk a pudgy Katie down the aisle.

Cruise is reportedly cracking the whip over the little missus, having her adhere to a strict exercise routine so she can shed the rest of her baby weight (what, all two pounds of it?) before their planned wedding.

In addition to hitting the weights four to five times a week, Katie has sought help from Buff Brides, a program that offers pretty self-explanatory help.

And if that doesn’t work, Cruise is going to employ the same body-stretching technique that recently added about a foot to Katie’s height.


My god, she's fat!

Many of us know Sienna Miller as the broad Jude Law cheated on with the nanny. Maybe even worse, we know her as the person who brought back skinny gray jeans. But her upcoming role in Factory Girl may change things. Some critics said she might finally be recognized for her acting rather than her off-screen life.

Oscar buzz began early on for her role as Edie Sedgwick. The film focuses on Sedgwick’s tragic life and her working relationship with Andy Warhol.

Miller quickly became obsessed with Sedgwick.

Miller can thank Tom Cruise’s crazy ass for the role; directors cast Cruise’s fiancé, Katie Holmes, as Sedgwick, but she dropped out after Cruise supposedly advised her it would be bad for her image.

Photo Location

Of all the ways to seek revenge against Tom Cruise for making MI3, pissing on his front lawn might be the classiest. Security cameras in front of Cruise’s Los Angeles mansion picked up some dude loitering. As Cruise’s security phalanx jumped into action, the man urinated on the lawn. Beverly Hills police arrived almost immediately, arresting the man for lewd conduct.

By the grace of L. Ron Hubbard, Katie and Suri were spared from the devastating incident.

Jesus freak and former actor Stephen Baldwin has a new book coming out--The Unusual Suspect: My Calling to the New Hardcore Movement of Faith--and to promote it, he’s doing the interview rounds and dishing out crazy-ass quotes left and right. Baldwin set his sights on his latest target, his Born on the Fourth of July co-star Tom Cruise. Baldwin said he prays for Cruise daily.

Baldwin added he would love to give Cruise what I’m assuming is some sort of Christian sex act--the “spicy Jesus roll.”

Rather than the spicy Jesus roll, perhaps Cruise would prefer a Rusty Trombone, a Donkey Punch, or even a Clown Face.

After months of speculation, rumor, and innuendo, Vanity Fair displayed the first photos baby Suri, the offspring of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. What was the general public’s first reaction to seeing the child of Xenu? Well, some thought she looked like an Asian dude with some awesome hair plugs, but still even the most cynical admitted the kid was fucking gorgeous. Awww.

Her parents showed Suri off in the new issue of Vanity Fair. The issue, which for some ungodly reason has an astounding twenty-two pages dedicated to the family, hit newsstands today. Inside the mag, Holmes’ voiced her frustration concerning the media’s speculation that her baby might be an alien.

The story's editor, Jane Sarkin, excitedly discussed how fucking awesome it was shooting the miracle baby and her mommy and daddy over the course of five days.

Well, not until he needs to promote his next movie, of course.

Any comparisons between little Suri Cruise and Rosemary's Baby can officially be put to rest, now that an eyewitness has given her word that the child is perfectly fine. So what if that person happens to be fellow Scientologist Leah Remini?

Hmm, haven't we seen a baby like that somewhere before...?


photo location

Katie Holmes’ Catholic parents may not attend her Scientology-tastic wedding to Tom Cruise this summer. No news on whether baby Suri will make it either.

They're on, they're off... they're engaged? Cameron Diaz has been sporting a big diamond ring, which could mean she and Justin Timberlake are betrothed. Or it could just mean they're rich and diamonds are pretty.

Former boy-bander Lance Bass tried to disguise himself under a hat while hanging at a gay bar in Provincetown, Mass., with his rumored boyfriend, a contestant from "The Amazing Race." Dude, the jig is up - it's cool. But if you want to stay in the closet, simply wearing a hat won't cut it.

When superheroes reproduce: Spiderman Tobey Maguire and his fiancee Jennifer Meyer are reportedly expecting their first bundle of joy.

That ambitious Kevin Federline has found a new career - as a professional party guest. So having him attend is supposed to increase the hip quotient?



Photo Location

Hollywood wack-job Tom Cruise topped Forbes magazine’s 2006 list of the 100 most powerful celebrities. Cruise topped the list not so much for his ability to put asses in movie theater seats, but instead for his uncanny ability to attract media attention, both positive and negative.

Cruise’s appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" last year cast him in the light of a man who had lost his mind for Xenu, and the media tour blitz that followed was an embarrassment for his handlers. Public opinion polls have shown his approval ranking slipping below 35%, but just because Cruise is a constant source of bad press doesn’t necessarily mean his career is foundering.

Other usual suspects occupy the remaining slots of the top 20.

Photo Location