Bill Murray Can Do Whatever He Wants... Drunk
A few days ago reports surfaced that Bill Murray had been arrested in Sweden for drunk-driving a golf cart. I say, that's EXACTLY the kind of shit he should be doing.
For far too long that recent variety of famous for nothing, layabout-type celebrity has gotten away with everything. From preferential treatment to all-star perks, they've cleaned up. For the simple act of being atrocious, we reward them.
If anyone deserves this treatment, it's Bill Murray. If we're going to slant the playing field, at least let's do it for a legend. I'm saying Bill Murray has done enough in his career, been ridiculously funny enough, to warrant all kinds of perks and look-the-other-ways.
Drunk-driving a golf cart in Sweden? Sweden? C'mon, he should be allowed to run Sweden. It's a golf cart, you shouldn't be allowed to drive it not-drunk. What's the max speed, 6? In that vein, I give you...
Things Bill Murray Should Be Allowed To Do
1) Murder someone. Yeah, that's right, murder them. Not a saint or anything, not a totally innocent man. But, not necessarily an evil person, either. Bill should be allowed to kill an asshole. On purpose or by accident. Litterers, shipping heirs, the guy loudly proclaiming his intention to never see a film after the trailer plays at the movies... Those guys.
2) Garfield 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and so on, until we get to double digits. Destined to be the most controversial allowance. I don't like it any more than you do, but, he's earned the right. They're not for us, they're movies for children whose parents hate them. For the record, didn't see 1, skipped 2, won't see 3.
3) Many many years ago, Bill was caught smuggling 9 pounds of cannabis through custons at O'Hare airport. He should have been allowed to pass. Murray mentions that this incident is what prevented him from becoming a doctor. He should've been allowed to have become the world's first openly-pot smoking doctor.
4) Scarlett Johansson
5) Befriend a nerd. As most of you know, ordinarily, this type of behavior gets you banished from cool-dom. Bye bye, popular-kid table. Not so fast. In my opinion Bill Murray is at that level where he could, if he chose to, easily befirend a nerd in need, whether by removing a "kick me" sign from his back", toweling him off after a "swirlie" or merely becoming his lab partner, with ZERO social repercussions. That's power. Power he should wield.
6) Look up whatever Brian Doyle-Murray is allowed to do, triple it. I llike Brian Doyle-Murray, no direspect to him, that just seems like an appropriate thing that should happen.
7) Wear a wifebeater in public. I'm not saying he should, just that if he so desired, he could.
8) Punch a clown, with zero provocation. In the face or dick.
Addicted to Metal? You Might Be Disabled
Following up on todays theme of disability, I have breaking news of the heaviest sort. To borrow a phrase: the greatest trick a metalhead ever pulled was convincing the world he was
disabled?!
Swedens The Local presents the case of 42-year-old headbanger Roger Tullgren. Either through dumb luck or sheer brilliance, Roger has managed to convince the Swedish government that his heavy metal addiction is a genuine disability. For serious.
Roger -- being that he is, after all, a metalhead -- has a natural love for heavy metal. When he skips work for a concert, or shows up at his job looking like a gnarly scumfuck, it doesn't go over well with his employers. But seen through the eyes of an imaginative and delusional psychologist, his seeming laziness and disregard for work stem from his inability to express himself and a physical need to bang his head all the live-long day.
I have been trying for ten years to get this classified as a handicap," Tullgren told The Local.
"I spoke to three psychologists and they finally agreed that I needed this to avoid being discriminated against."
Roger, as you have likely guessed, is the smartest man in the world. Befittingly, his rough and tumble powers of persuasion have entitled him to the following state-sanctioned benefits:
- Time off as needed to attend concerts, so long as he makes up the hours when he can.
- The right to listen to metal and wear "heavy-metal attire" while he works.
- A supplement to his income, paid by the Employment Service.
Congratulations, Roger. Admitting you have a problem is the first step on the long razor-strewn road to recovery. With the grace of god you'll surely bear the heavy burden of your metallic disability like an armored saint.
Spotlight: Camilla Engman
Camilla Engman is one of my favorite contemporary artists. She lives in Sweden with her cute dog Morran and keeps a charming website with a shop, blog, and of course, a stunning portfolio.
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