What feats have you accomplished in your geek career? Stayed up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons? Consumed more Jolt Cola than Japan serves sushi? Do you have every Star Wars action figure from 1978 to present?

You ain’t got shit on Mark Kelso.

He’s spent the last nine months building a 30-pound, six-foot-long replica of General Grievous’ flag ship, the Invisible Hand, out of Legos. Gizmodo has a gallery of photos taken of the completed model.

Mark kept a photo journal of his progress on his personal website. Click for more pictures, other projects, and to bask in his golden rays of superiority.

punk still has thousands of Legos stashed at his mom's house.

Wil Wheaton was called into a studio today for an outrageously long costume fitting...so this is a repeat column...

Last weekend, Cinemax ran a constantly-repeating marathon of the entire Star Wars series, beginning with Phantom Menace and ending with Return of the Jedi. I watched four of the six movies in their entirety (sorry, but there is no fucking way I will ever sit through Phantom Menace one more time. Fool me once, you can't get fooled again, y'all) but I did my best to watch Attack of the Clones, before giving up about 30 minutes in and letting it run in the background while I played PLO/8 at Pokerstars.

I gave Revenge of the Sith more of my attention, though, because I'd never seen it before, and my nerd friends all agreed that it wasn't as horrible as the other two. (Uh, if the best thing you can say about a movie is that it doesn't suck as much as another movie, that's sort of a problem, isn't it?) After watching the entire thing—which was about 30 minutes too long—I can agree with them. It's not as bad as the prior two, but it doesn't rise to the level of the original Star Wars, and isn't even close to Empire Strikes Back.

After about eleven hours of Star Wars movies, though, I wondered: why exactly is the Star Wars trilogy such a big deal to some of us, even though it's clearly flawed, and ends with a bunch of muppets singing around the campfire? Why do so many of us love it so much? Why did so many of us take it as a personal affront when the new movies and re-releases didn't meet our expectations? Why did most of us go back twice after Phantom Menace, like we were in a dysfunctional relationship, hoping that if we just worked a little harder, we'd find a pony?

To me, and I suspect to many other people in my generation, Star Wars was more than just another movie; it was a cultural phenomenon that carried us through elementary school and primed us for Voltron, He-Man, GI Joe, and all the other action figure-oriented entertainment of our youth. While our parents played Cowboys and Indians, we played Star Wars (and Batman and Star Trek, but mostly Star Wars) on the playground, and in the park, and on the floors of our parents' kitchens. Every flashlight or broomstick we saw was a potential lightsaber, and we dreamed of someday using the Force for real.

We love Star Wars because, when viewed from our complicated adult lives through the lens of childhood nostalgia, we see a simpler, happier time, and recall this phenomenon that was an integral part of our lives. Remember what it was like to see the Death Star blow up the first time? Remember how you just couldn't believe it that they froze Han Solo? If you were young enough at the time, will you admit that you thought the Ewoks were actually kind of funny and cool? (I will.) And how much did you run around the woods near your house, pretending to be on a speeder bike? See, it's more than a movie; it's culture.

And that is why the prequels, especially Episode I, are such a kick in the balls to us. To be fair, it's pretty impossible for George Lucas to create something with Phantom Menace that matches up to the idealized version we all created in our minds, but releasing a movie that felt like an excuse to sell ILM's new toys to studios, and sell actual toys to kids was not a good place to start.

My brother and I sat in line for 18 hours for that movie (it's not the several days that the real Star Wars nerds put in, but everything is relative, and 18 hours on the concrete in Burbank was a significant commitment for us.) To maximize our geekiness, we played Magic: The Gathering for most of the time we waited, and I am not ashamed to admit that I got goosebumps and a little misty when the lights dimmed in the theater, and that iconic music started. It was all downhill from there: "My name is Anakin, and I'm a person!" and "Yeah, the Force? Well, it's not as much a mystical energy that runs through the universe as it is a virus that's carried around by nanites in your blood. Hey, Star Wars fans? Fuck you! I got your money! Ha! Ha! Ha!" And don't even get me started on Jar-Jar Binks. By the time the film was over, I wasn't just disappointed, I was mad. No, I wasn't mad, I was furious, and I didn't bother to watch Episodes II and III until they were on cable this weekend, and even then I ignored most of Episode II, lest my fury rise again.

See, can you imagine having this sort of reaction to anything else? I thought it was lame that Molly Ringwald went with the Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink but it didn't make me mad. I thought Ghostbusters 2 was pretty stupid, but I didn't want to punch a door when I walked out of the theater. Star Wars wasn't just a movie, it was personal.

But now that some time has passed, I can take a longer view and ask: Did Lucas really betray us with the new movies? Well, I don't know if it's fair to say that he did, because I don't think he ever cared about us as much as we cared about them. It's obvious now, especially after watching all of them and seeing what Lucas does when he's left entirely to his own devices, that the movies are just excuses to show off his special effects and sell toys.

But ultimately, all of that matters as much as we allow it to. Yes, the new movies suck out loud and should be dumped into the Sarlacc pit, but we'll always have the original trilogy, and its halcyon memories.

Some of us even have our action figures, so we can recreate that famous scene in Mos Eisley where Han shoots first.

Wil Wheaton picks up all his power converters at Toshi Station.

Why not, right? He's 6-and-0 at this point. Critics and fans alike have championed his recent return to form, showcasing a man clearly at the peak of his powers. So keenly in touch with the needs and wants of the modern day sci-fi audience. How he manages to keep his finger on the pulse of an entire nation at the same time is beyond me.

Why, if he wanted, I bet he could predict what I'd like for dinner. A story about hokey robots and alien politics? Oh no, George. That's not even a food.

I know the "dumping a bucket of sarcasm on something," approach can get old but I couldn't think of any other way to get started. I mean, really, who's optimistic about this? Anyone? Yes, you, waving wildly in front, when did you discover you liked shit?

Lucas is the owner of the worst comeback this side of Muhammad Ali getting bludgeoned by Larry Holmes back in 1980. And at least Ali had the sense to quit on his stool.

Yes, that's totally the part that requires warning, not the part where the last three motion pictures were completely unwatchable and George Lucas is incapable of writing dialog. It should read, be forewarned: these movies are being created by the guy who wrote Phantom Menace.

Be forewarned: this show is penned by the guy who created a "future diner" run by a fat alien, diner owner-cliche in a dirty T-shirt complete with salt and pepper on the table.

Be forewarned: dialog similar to "I don't care what galaxy you're from, that's gotta hurt!" may appear in this show.

Be forewarned: Jar Jar's dad created this show.

No, this is huge news for amnesia-sufferers and the tasteless. This is huge news for people missing from the planet between '99 and '05, and the recently deaf. "Have repeated hammer blows rendered you unable to remember anything of the last three films? Wonderful! Have I got a show for you."

Releasing three films based largely on political maneuverings, pseudo-science and flavorless characters was a "chance." And NO ONE is expecting the "familiar mythology." What's left of the once massive fanbase expects nothing but more bullshit. Luke? Anakin? The only characters that people gave a shit about were Han Solo and Darth Vader. Neither of whom were in the prequels.

Writers? Finally, a possible bright light in this dank morass. Is this the sign of a brash, young Jedi emerging to battle back the dark forces of cutesiness and on-the-nose dialog? Oh wait, aren't Jedis just guys filled with midichlorians or something? Nevermind, then.

Huh? I guess even out of touch billionaires like to play at being under-dog outsiders railing against the system.



TheCoolerKing is exhausted from drinking, shooting claybirds and visiting haunted houses.

Each week, Ariel Waldman serves a tasting of the latest in sex and tech.

Durex Vibrator Resembles Vulture Droid

Seeing sci-fi in sex, the latest vibrator from Durex resembles something close to a Vulture Droid starfighter. The tongue-tickling technology may not travel through space, but its three separate speeds are sure to heat up your hyperdrive. If that wasn't enough, the Star Wars-like sex toy is ergonomically ready for you to play everywhere. Pulsating your privates, the Durex Little Gem clocks in at 45 quid. Surely sex-deprived Star Wars fans will appreciate Durex over die-cast.

Technology That Tingles

Intimately engaging, an experimental form of interaction seeks out sensuality. A new kind of cell phone, developed by product design students from the College of Art, Science and Engineering, attempts to do away with antisocial devices. Most notably, an experiment called Aware. Aware takes the form of a necklace that tingles your top. Each time a friend is nearby, the networked necklace will send a sensual signal down your back. A total of six "phones" created by the students are said to help support intimacy and sensuality (and hopefully SMS.)

Slicking down your storage

You've always been good at getting your hard drive hot and bothered. Hoping to help frost some of your foreplay, Hitachi and NEC want to make your hard drive wet, literally. The corporate couple are creating a water-powered cooling system The liquid cooling system is sure to help with loud late night sessions by dropping down to 25 decibels. Comparatively, whispering naughty nothings measures at 30 decibels. The process partakes in rhythmic pumping, assisted with mini- (ribbed?) ridges.

As you may remember from previous articles, I have yet to hesitate when it comes to welcoming our over-the-top weapon overlords. As technology progresses ever forward toward the future, everything is bound to get a little more creative, and military intelligence is naturally no exception. The surprising thing is that the technology of the future looks a lot like an '80s sci-fi movie. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

First of all, who doesn't love laser guns? That was a trick question: everybody loves laser guns. I dare you to show me someone who has never even secretly dreamed about charging through a bay of the Death Star, pursued by a horde of storm troopers, blaster pistol blazing for a daring escape; in turn, I'd show you someone who has never truly dreamed. Of course, the only things more awe-inspiring than swift hand-held laser weapons are mammoth ground vehicle-mounted laser weapons. Remember the Battle of Hoth -- when all those Imperial Walkers showed up, all lasers and ion cannons akimbo, lumbering over the ice planet's rebel base like creaking metal elephants of law over so many matchstick houses? You bet you do; it's some powerful imagery. The U.S. Army also remembers, and that's when their imagination really started to run wild. I can picture them saying, "Sure, we don't have any AT-ATs... yet... but what do we have?" Then, visions of felled Iraqi X-Wings dancing in their heads, they set about finding who would be willing to mount laser cannons onto tanks.

Yes! Thank you, Boeing, for getting this ball rolling. As the article points out, laser cannons have some obvious advantages over even already-advanced radar-controlled rifles: they are faster, they eliminate the worry of errant shells, and also they are awesome. Boeing's initial development contract is for a paltry $7 million, but chances are high that this will be huge. Once these get off the ground and into combat, everyone else may as well give up. Anyone can come at us with all the Molotov cocktails and dirty bombs they want; we will have laser cannons. Star Destroyers can't be far behind.

Of course, our army is not content to get just one eighties movie reference all up in their tactical warfare. DARPA, everyone's favorite semi-clandestine Pentagon research branch, is reportedly hard at work trying to design software that will predict battle outcomes for military commanders. The goal of the program, thus far code-named "Deep Green," is to identify plans going awry and develop possible alternatives ahead of time, allowing troops to always stay one step ahead of disaster. It's apparently a fairly complicated process, and if I'm reading this right it involves what sounds like back-issues of Beetle Bailey and every book I ever checked out from the school library in fourth grade.

Sweet! War is a turn-based Choose Your Own Adventure novel. I sure hope Deep Green comes with the option to surreptitiously keep a thumb in the last page visited, so that if you get to a page that says "YOU HAVE ENTERED A TRAP, AND ARE KILLED BE INSURGENTS. END." you can flip back really quickly before anybody notices.

Actually, in my heart of hearts, what I truly hope is that after searching through millions of options, the program eventually comes to the conclusion that the only winning move is not to play; then maybe we could put all the weapons down and slowly back away from World War Three.

But, then, what would we do with all these lasers?


_DictionaryGirl_ wants to know how it is that we can be building AT-ATs and WarGames computers, but she can't get her computer to work for more than a month without having to send it in to the shop for repairs. What gives, man?

Also, super-props to geniuses Admiral_Pants and baudot for pointing out Deep Green's roots in computer-based chess mastery. I've always been more of a Battleship kind of girl.

Make a Star Wars game for the Wii with controls like this:



Can you imagine? I just about wet myself about the time the TIE Fighter blew up. This video, BTW, is a great example of why I think the Wii is the game console to own. There’s just no way that smashing a bunch of buttons on another controller would give you the same sort of thrill and satisfaction (PS3 fanboys commence flipping out in 3. . . 2. . . 1. . .).

This weekend, while Los Angeles is being infested with Osc-tards and slowly succumbing to Academy Awards ennui, the fine folks in New York will celebrate the ultimate East Coast geek-fest: the New York Comic Con. Taking place Feb.23-25 at the Jacob Javitz Center, tomorrow gets the con off to an epic start with an exclusive Star Wars panel, hosted by SuicideGirls' own interview-extraordinaire Daniel Robert Epstein.

If you thought that Jar-Jar Binks was the creative low point in the Star Wars megafranchise, than you thought wrong, Obi-Wan. That dubious title would have to belong to The Star Wars Holiday Special a painfully hacked together hybrid of the first Star Wars film (the good first one), and vaudevillian pile of mid 1970's variety show cheese.


fruit of Chewbacca's furry loins

The two hour CBS broadcast was aired only once on Friday November 17th, 1978. Primarily taking place on Chewbacca's home world of Kashyyyk during the celebration of "Life Day" where we meet Chewbacca's deformed and sweetly stupid family. All of a sudden the Ewoks won't seem that bad. Princess Leia horns in on the act and sings during the painful Life Day ceremony, and Harrison Ford looks like he'd rather be at the dentist's.


Also Starring Art Carney!

If, during the viewing of any of these clips you don't think to yourself "Hey, I think I really might be going insane"... then you clearly weren't paying enough attention. Focus. Watch. Think about it: The OG Star Wars Characters, then add Harvey Korman, Diahnn Caroll, with music by The Jefferson Starship. Christ, I mean Bea Arthur is in this Bantha Fodder...


Dihann Caroll!!

George Lucas initially favored the idea, but only had slight involvement in the project due to production of The Empire Strikes Back. He killed any attempt at re-airing it or making it available for sale on any format. Why, we can only guess.


...and The Jefferson Starship!!!

The Nerdinista are quick to note that the SWHS was the first time the character of bounty hunter (and winner of intergalactic coolest helmet award) Boba Fett had appeared. Beside that small credit, the response to the special historically has been rough. The SWHS was called "the worst two hours of television ever" by David Hofstede, author of What Were They Thinking?: The 100 Dumbest Events in Television History, which awarded the position of #1 to The Star Wars Holiday Special.


this is one of a few YouTube clips available: Boba Fett Cartoon, Princess Leia Sings, Cantina Scene.

Last weekend, Cinemax ran a constantly-repeating marathon of the entire Star Wars series, beginning with Phantom Menace and ending with Return of the Jedi. I watched four of the six movies in their entirety (sorry, but there is no fucking way I will ever sit through Phantom Menace one more time. Fool me once, you can't get fooled again, y'all) but I did my best to watch Attack of the Clones, before giving up about 30 minutes in and letting it run in the background while I played PLO/8 at Pokerstars.

I gave Revenge of the Sith more of my attention, though, because I'd never seen it before, and my nerd friends all agreed that it wasn't as horrible as the other two. (Uh, if the best thing you can say about a movie is that it doesn't suck as much as another movie, that's sort of a problem, isn't it?) After watching the entire thing—which was about 30 minutes too long—I can agree with them. It's not as bad as the prior two, but it doesn't rise to the level of the original Star Wars, and isn't even close to Empire Strikes Back.

After about eleven hours of Star Wars movies, though, I wondered: why exactly is the Star Wars trilogy such a big deal to some of us, even though it's clearly flawed, and ends with a bunch of muppets singing around the campfire? Why do so many of us love it so much? Why did so many of us take it as a personal affront when the new movies and re-releases didn't meet our expectations? Why did most of us go back twice after Phantom Menace, like we were in a dysfunctional relationship, hoping that if we just worked a little harder, we'd find a pony?

To me, and I suspect to many other people in my generation, Star Wars was more than just another movie; it was a cultural phenomenon that carried us through elementary school and primed us for Voltron, He-Man, GI Joe, and all the other action figure-oriented entertainment of our youth. While our parents played Cowboys and Indians, we played Star Wars (and Batman and Star Trek, but mostly Star Wars) on the playground, and in the park, and on the floors of our parents' kitchens. Every flashlight or broomstick we saw was a potential lightsaber, and we dreamed of someday using the Force for real.

We love Star Wars because, when viewed from our complicated adult lives through the lens of childhood nostalgia, we see a simpler, happier time, and recall this phenomenon that was an integral part of our lives. Remember what it was like to see the Death Star blow up the first time? Remember how you just couldn't believe it that they froze Han Solo? If you were young enough at the time, will you admit that you thought the Ewoks were actually kind of funny and cool? (I will.) And how much did you run around the woods near your house, pretending to be on a speeder bike? See, it's more than a movie; it's culture.

And that is why the prequels, especially Episode I, are such a kick in the balls to us. To be fair, it's pretty impossible for George Lucas to create something with Phantom Menace that matches up to the idealized version we all created in our minds, but releasing a movie that felt like an excuse to sell ILM's new toys to studios, and sell actual toys to kids was not a good place to start.

My brother and I sat in line for 18 hours for that movie (it's not the several days that the real Star Wars nerds put in, but everything is relative, and 18 hours on the concrete in Burbank was a significant commitment for us.) To maximize our geekiness, we played Magic: The Gathering for most of the time we waited, and I am not ashamed to admit that I got goosebumps and a little misty when the lights dimmed in the theater, and that iconic music started. It was all downhill from there: "My name is Anakin, and I'm a person!" and "Yeah, the Force? Well, it's not as much a mystical energy that runs through the universe as it is a virus that's carried around by nanites in your blood. Hey, Star Wars fans? Fuck you! I got your money! Ha! Ha! Ha!" And don't even get me started on Jar-Jar Binks. By the time the film was over, I wasn't just disappointed, I was mad. No, I wasn't mad, I was furious, and I didn't bother to watch Episodes II and III until they were on cable this weekend, and even then I ignored most of Episode II, lest my fury rise again.

See, can you imagine having this sort of reaction to anything else? I thought it was lame that Molly Ringwald went with the Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink but it didn't make me mad. I thought Ghostbusters 2 was pretty stupid, but I didn't want to punch a door when I walked out of the theater. Star Wars wasn't just a movie, it was personal.

But now that some time has passed, I can take a longer view and ask: Did Lucas really betray us with the new movies? Well, I don't know if it's fair to say that he did, because I don't think he ever cared about us as much as we cared about them. It's obvious now, especially after watching all of them and seeing what Lucas does when he's left entirely to his own devices, that the movies are just excuses to show off his special effects and sell toys.

But ultimately, all of that matters as much as we allow it to. Yes, the new movies suck out loud and should be dumped into the Sarlacc pit, but we'll always have the original trilogy, and its halcyon memories.

Some of us even have our action figures, so we can recreate that famous scene in Mos Eisley where Han shoots first.

Wil Wheaton picks up all his power converters at Toshi Station.

According to a story in Variety, George Lucas, Executive Producer of Howard the Duck and Willow, and creator of Jar-Jar Binks and the Midichlorians, is calling it quits, and trading the film business for television.

Lucas said that the secret to success is "quantity." Surprising nobody who has seen Star Wars Episodes I-III, Lucas made no mention of "quality."

All betrayed-geek snark aside, I actually agree with Lucas' reasoning on expensive, huge studio films versus smaller, less-expensive films.

Firefly fans may understand the reasoning. How many episodes of the series could have been made and distributed via DVD or online (if no network was interested) for the cost of Serenity?

Lucas is not leaving the huge movies behind just yet, though. Indiana Jones IV is in pre-produciton, and he has a project or two that he's had in development for over a decade that he wants to put out.

He also has some changes in mind for special editions of his existing movies: The Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark will be replaced with Care Bears, and Willow will be turned into one 90 minute shot of a walkie talkie. The updated version of Willow is expected to be more enjoyable than its box office counterpart.

(via Slashdot, where one astute commenter observes that Lucas got out of movies three films too late.)