Asshole Fuckface Roundup #46
Welcome. Welcome to Asshole Fuckface day. Its a great day because you dont have to dress up or give anyone gifts, but you do have responsibilities. You must read about this weeks worst humans on Earth and laugh at their heinous stupidity. Then crawl into a corner and cry for a while. So, put on your fat suit, because this is going to be nasty.
My first Asshole Fuckface doesnt deserve testicles.
Meet David Ashton, 32, of Bell Close, England. Hes a driving instructor and he has... uh
weird hobbies. Ashton enjoys meeting teenage girls in Internet chat rooms, then picking them up and driving them into the woods. At that point, he engages in a series of sex acts with the underage girls. But thats not the bad part. He would then get them to kick him in the nuts.
He then got out of the car, put a towel on the ground, took off his underpants, crouched down and encouraged the two girls to kick him repeatedly.
They each kicked him a number of times.
There are guys out there who dont have nuts. They lost them in accidents or due to cancer. Its a shame to see someone blessed with nuts treating them in such a fashion. But apparently, getting your sack kicked by a group of teenage girls is awesome and Ashton had a second go at it.
The second occasion in Spring, 2006, followed the same pattern - a drive to a wooded area, one of the girls performed a sex act on him. He then got out of the car, pulled his underclothing off, crouched down on all fours and encouraged all three girls to kick him the same way as before.
Eventually, Ashton would wrap it up, because, well, you know...
Eventually he asked them to stop because it was hurting.
No shit.
Mr. Testicle Kickee is facing conviction two counts of sexual activity with a child, four of causing or enticing a child to engage in sexual activity and five of making indecent photographs of children. I guess nobody thought to make a more specific nut kicking a law.
Next up, our very own Taliban Asshole Fuckfaces.
Ah, Americans crazy Christians, they are the gift that just keeps giving. They know where to focus their Jesus love and how to care for others. They are constantly fighting the good fight and protecting us from
cups.
A Christian group based in San Diego found grounds for outrage over the new retro-style logo for Starbucks Coffee.
Must be a picture of a dude cutting someones head off. Or maybe someone blowing a kid's head off with a shotgun? Possibly the logo is of a man standing over a freshly killed body, holding the corpse's intestines over his head? Nope. Its a mermaid.
The Resistance says the new image "has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute," Mark Dice, founder of the group, said in a news release. "Need I say more? It's extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves Slutbucks."
Slutbucks? Oh, I get it; youre a total fucking retard. Heres the deal, Mark. Go to Wal-Mart. Purchase some thread, a needle, some liquid steel and a hammer. Now, go back home and sit down at your dinner table. Take the liquid steel and pour it in your ears. Next, take the thread and sew your eyes shut. Finally, reach out and pick up the hammer and then smash it into your skull as hard as you can.
The Resistance (Jesus, lighten the fuck up) has 3,000 Asshole Fuckfaces nationwide and they are calling for a boycott. I would like to make the opposite request. Id like to ask people to buy a cup of coffee, then walk outside, put it on the sidewalk and jerk off to the hot, hot picture of the mermaid who has palm tree legs and no vagina.
The logo is a less revealing version of Starbucks original logo and is supposed to signify the chain returning to its roots.
My next Asshole Fuckface is an eight-year-old girl.
Eight-year-old girls can get into all sorts of mischief, like wearing explosives, blowing themselves up and killing Iraqi soldiers. That is what happened this week in Iraq.
An eight-year-old girl strapped with explosives has blown up and killed an Iraqi army captain.
The bomb was detonated by remote control, injuring four soldiers in addition to the one who died, an Iraqi Army spokesman said.
Oh, wait. She didnt blow herself up. I feel like a total asshole for blaming her. It was remotely detonated. Those fucking monsters! How could they do that to a child! She was so young, just...
A teenage girl strapped with explosives has blown up and killed an Iraqi army captain.
Wait, what? I thought she was eight?
US soldiers originally said an eight-year-old girl was used in the attack, which took place near Youssifiyah, south of the capital, Baghdad.
But the US army now believes the girl was around 16-years-old.
Oh. Boo. I was totally excited to hate those terrorists more. Still, thats pretty fucked up. That girl was still in high school, probably on the local drill team. A fucking high school kid, God dam it. Those fucking terrorists!
A teenaged girl has blown herself up outside an Iraqi army post south of Baghdad, killing one soldier, the US military has said, while attacks elsewhere in the country left 22 dead.
A military spokeswoman said the girl involved in today's earlier attack was between 16 and 18 years old.
God damn it. Every few hours this girl keeps getting older. They age so fast, dont they? Especially when the military is attempting to use them as propaganda - as if you need to embellish a suicide bomber story. This is good-old fashioned propaganda, just like the mentally retarded bomber story from a couple months back that yours truly fell for.
The first mention of the eight-year-old suicide bomber was in the Metro UK, at around 4 pm London time - several hours after the incident. The sources were, in order, an Iraqi Army spokesman, US soldiers, the military, and Iraqi Army Lieutenant Ahmed Ali. Stories that come from military sources are the definition of propaganda. It was printed hours after the bombing and could have easily been verified and should have been. It wasnt until other reporters started poking around that the story changed. But now, Eight-year-old suicide bomber lives on forever on the Internet, for right wing morons to use in their eternal war against Islam.
Incidentally, those guys who blew up the 18-year-old also Asshole Fuckfaces.
My final Asshole Fuckface is a bad phone answerer.
This week we learned something important: If you need to call 911 in Nashville, youre pretty much shit out of luck. Shelia Jones discovered that the hard way when she called 911 in February because her crazy ex-boyfriend broke into her house with a knife.
Sheila to 911: "Get the police here now. My life is threatened. Please God. Please God. Please God. Get me police over now. He's got a knife on me. My life threatened."
Sheila: "Get out of my house."

911: "Is he a boyfriend?"
Sheila: "He's ex. Get out of my house. He's outside now. He just went outside.
Well, that doesnt sound good. At least the crazy fuck went outside but still, dude had a knife. Better get the cops there immediately, right? Not so much. Sheila continued to call 911, but still no police came.
Two and a half hours later
.
Sheila: "Nobody's coming out here?
911: "Yes, ma'am. As soon as the sergeant gets an officer available, he's gonna send somebody out there."

Sheila: "What, do y'all want him to kill me - so you can put yellow tape around me and say we got there just for the death? Is that it? I don't understand."
Oh, come on now! Its only been two hours and thirty minutes since your ex-boyfriend broke into your house with a knife. A local news station found out where the cop who should have been helping her actually was.
NewsChannel 5's investigation discovered he was out helping another officer on a traffic stop.
Naturally. Ever wonder what a 911 operator says after you hang up? Turns out its not so great.
Sheila: "I'm scared to even leave out my f***ing house."

911: "OK, ma'am, I updated the call. We'll get somebody there as soon as possible."
Sheila: [Hangs up.]

911: "I really just don't give a s**t what happens to you."
Clearly. Oh, and please die. Thanks.
Sheila finally called the mayors office and police showed up pronto if you consider pronto to be three hours. Thats how long it took police to arrive after her first call to 911. The 911 operator is no longer employed. Turns out he was a trainee and he flunked his final exam. Thank God he had an opportunity to learn on the job.
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a free FearTheReaper bow tie.
Giving up Starbucks
How the hell is an independent coffee shop supposed to survive with twelve Starbucks located in the surrounding areas, the closest one only a half mile away?
If you're Rhonda and Jon Mallek, owners of the Fine Grind in Little Falls, NJ you'll put up this billboard.
As reported in the The New York Times, The Fine Grind has the usual coffee shop offerings; Internet access, fancy coffee and seasonal drinks. The Fine Grind had a loyal following as well.
And then Starbucks came to town.
. Mrs. Mallek was a bit taken aback when she saw two of the regulars the regulars! near her shop, Starbucks cups in hand, not long after the new one opened last summer. And so came the idea of the billboard, about a half block from the Starbucks as close as they could get reading: We may not be Big ... but were not Bitter! And We ARE your neighborhood coffee spot!
Now it's totally possible that if the Mallek's customers are anything like me, they'll patronize both Starbucks and (places like) The Fine Grind. So, the Mallek's shouldnt worry, right? Then again it's probably people like me who won't choose a side who are responsible for local businesses closing down.
There are about three local coffee shops in my neighborhood. All three coffee shops are within walking distance from my apartment. I try not to drive unless work related. The problem is that the independently owned coffee shops in my area dont open early enough. Starbucks opens at 6 a.m. Starbucks' more elaborate drinks are pricey but a small coffee is $1.65 compared to the $3 that one independently owned coffee shop charges.
(For the sake of not putting everyone to sleep I'm omitting any details about how I also make coffee at my apartment to save money.)
This NY Times article mentioned websites such as I Hate Starbucks.com and We Hate Starbucks.com. I checked out both sites. I Hate Starbucks.com is in dire need of a web designer. I'm not a fan of white text on a black background. I could only spend ten seconds there.
There are some interesting yet impractical ideas on We Hate Starbucks (the web address is not actually wehatestarbucks.com.)
Have you heard of the game Starbucks Musical Chairs? It seems like a bit of a pain in the ass and I'm not sure how it sticks anything to "the man."
The rules involve buying a coffee at a mom-and-pop shop and disguising your cup with a Starbucks sticker. Players then keep inconspicuously switching seats in order to gain points and the first person to hit 100 points stands up and screams, "Help me! I've been Starbucked!" And then all of the players with their disguised drinks get up and leave.
The only reasonable tactic on We Hate Starbucks is the simple download of a letter titled, "Dear Coffee Drinker." The idea is to deliver it to folks sitting in a Starbucks or slap it up on the window in front of customers.
Here is one example of a few of the anti-Starbucks arguments made in the short letter:
1- Starbucks farming techniques are unsustainable and damaging to the environment, the crops wipe out bio-diversity and the countries that they buy their coffee from (Guatemala, Indonesia etc) don't enforce any strong environmental regulations. So even if Starbucks released statements about their commitment to the ecology and dislike for chemicals, they are not carried out. This is not likely to improve with the WTO in its current state of slashing all hindrance to big business.
(The website does note that in the last two years Starbucks has started to offer some official Fair Trade coffee.)
I'll admit I'm seduced by the sameness of every Starbucks. I know how my drinks will taste. I've grown to like my name on a cup. If I get lost and I see a Starbucks, I immediately feel safe. And for some reason I've bought into the fact that the baristas are happy and protected with their health insurance from working only part-time! But I think it's time for me to make a stand. No more Starbucks. From now on I'll support local business exclusively and write my own damn name on my cup.
Look for the Union Latte
The last thing Starbucks probably wants is to be compared with Wal-Mart. The coffee chain, which offers mass market, watered-down alterna-culture alongside its bitter roasts, likes to present itself as the nice guy mega-corporation. So what happens when Starbucks easy listening version of social responsibility is accused of bad labor practices? Steam milk and litigation, it seems.
Former Starbucks barista Daniel Gross has brought the coffee giant to court with the help of the IWW, a progressive labor group with roots in the industrial revolution. Gross contends that his association with the Wobblies got him fired from Starbucks last year. Hes fought with Starbucks since then, and this week brought the fight to the Federal National Labor Relations Board.
Starbucks call their employees partners and offer health benefits. However, Gross and his IWW allies argue that the offer is deceptive, as many Starbucks employees work part time and are therefore not eligible for benefits; Gross says only 42 percent of partners
qualify for benefits.
Starbucks workers struggle to make ends meet with a poverty wage of around $7 or $8 per hour. Wage increases amount to a few cents, if anything. The total number of full-time hourly café employees at Starbucks is zero. All baristas are part-time and not a single one is guaranteed any number of work hours per week.
Employees are consequently left vulnerable to fluctuations in income and changes in their work schedule.
The company boasts about its health care plan but its own data reveal that it insures a lower percentage of employees than Wal-Mart. Baristas are excluded from care by a combination of a work hours qualification threshold and unaffordable out-of-pocket expenses.
Starbucks is at the forefront of whats called cause branding, a sort of weird marriage of liberal consumer guilt and public relations finessing, as noted in a 2005 Boston Globe article.
On its website, Starbucks Corp. offers to donate $2 for each pound of Sumatran coffee bought by customers. Sumatra, in Indonesia, was directly hit by the earthquake and tsunami. ''I'm a cynic when it comes to corporate America," said Katie Block, as she bought two cups of Starbucks coffee downtown, for herself and a worker at Miller-Block Gallery. However, she was willing to make an extra effort to go to Starbucks for Sumatran coffee, rather than Star Market. The promotion ''does give me a warm feeling."
I love that warm feeling quote. Despite the guilt abatement offered to its customers, there were some questions over whether the charitable effort was effective, or even really charitable.
Debate over whether Starbucks is doing enough rages on one website, ''Starbucks Gossip." ''Wow! $2 from their $10 retail," one anonymous commenter remarked. Another one, defending Starbucks, said, ''It will bring incremental business to Sumatran farmers, which will drive up the price for Sumatran coffee. That will help the locals."
Gross court case is ongoing, and its unlikely to stop anyone from enjoying a Macchiato any time soon. If raising their coffee prices didnt hurt them, this probably wont either.
Your Fave Starbucks Drink on Your Back
Let's face it, you're either a lover or a hater. Myself, I can't help but drown myself in Starbucks coffee at every available opportunity. It's probably my biggest sin, and if I go to Hell it'll all be worth it.
Simply go to My Starbucks T-Shirt to create your favourite drink and see it in a fab design by Michael Knight of Project Catwalk. (Sorry, no Tall Skinny Bitchaccino available.)
Unfortunately, all of the free personalized shirts are gone. You can, however, still get your hands on a signed celebrity version and do something good for charity while you're at it.
You can bid on the celebrity tees at clothesoffourback.org. With names like Daniel Dae Kim (of Lost), Melina Kanakaredes (CSI: NY) and Seth Green on board, they will cost you a pretty penny. If you are happy to end up with lesser known names like Evan Ross the prices are still reasonable. In the end though, it's all for charity so if you can afford it and you want it don't hold back.
Proceeds from the auction benefit the Pediatric Epilepsy Project, Children's Defense Fund, Cure Autism Now and the emergency relief efforts in Darfur (specifically Friends of the World Food Program, Save the Children and the U.S. Fund for UNICEF).
If you're broke, or have no interest in celebrity names you can always get a desktop or icon with your own drink. Want to know what mine is? You only get to know if you promise to treat me to one.
Clothes Off Our Back charity auctions are here.
Customise your drink here.