The Demise of Spider-Man and The Top 5 Comic Deaths That Weren’t
by Damon Martin
In a real world context, Benjamin Franklin may have very well been right, but those rules don’t apply when talking about the comic book universe. Like a bad soap opera where the lead character is bound to find out that his wife – whom has just made a full recovery from a terminal illness – is also his long lost sister, comic books are notorious for never letting any character stay dead for too long.
That leads us to the February 2011 Marvel Previews in which they tease us with the “Death of Spider-Man.” Sure, the sticky guy has flatlined a time or two in his day, but this will be the first major run where the character is billed as meeting his ultimate demise. While Marvel is apparently being very hush-hush about the events surrounding the eventual “death” of Spider-Man, the big goal of course is to raise sales for the Spider-Man titles before they rub him out.
Comic book deaths however are a cautionary tale because the concept is rarely very final in the land of the superhero. The genre has exploited this device for years, and many fans tire of the ubiquitous “dead hero/miraculous resurrection” storylines. With Peter Parker apparently the next hero on the chopping block, let’s look at some famous comic book deaths and how the heroes came back to life:
[Katie in Spidey]
Top 5 Comic Deaths That Weren’t
1. Death of Superman
Probably the most famous demise of any superhero in comic book history, DC Comics revealed the death of Superman in 1992. The story featured an unstoppable killing machine named Doomsday that came to earth. Only the Last Son of Krypton had any chance of stopping him. An epic battle ensued, and, in the end, both Superman and Doomsday met their deaths. The story closed with an iconic image of Lois Lane holding the Man of Tomorrow in her arms as she wept.
The death was short lived though as DC soon revealed the re-launch of the Superman titles just a few short months later. Four separate heroes emerged with ties to Superman, but in the end it was revealed that Kal-El had been tucked away at his Fortress of Solitude and was placed in a “regeneration matrix” where he was brought back to life.
2. The Death of Captain America
Following the events of Marvel’s epic “Civil War” storyline in which Iron Man (Tony Stark) supports a Superhuman Registration Act that will see all of earth’s mightiest heroes unmasked and registered with the government, Steve Rogers (Captain America) meets his doom. The registration act pits hero against hero as some support Stark in his mission, while others, like Captain America, are vehemently against it. After a lot of fighting and bloodshed, Captain American opts to give in to Stark’s initiative and he is arrested. As he’s led away in shackles on the steps of a courthouse, Captain America is assassinated.
Months later it’s discovered that the assassination was orchestrated by Cap’s greatest nemesis, The Red Skull, and instead of actually killing the Patriotic icon, he sent him spinning throughout time and space. The evil Red Skull then brings Cap back to present day and thus Steve Rogers returns to the comic book world.
3. The Death of Batman
Even for a comic book, the death of Batman was one of the more bizarre stories of the last half-century. First DC launched a storyline titled “Batman: RIP” – which most presumed would bring about the end of the Caped Crusader. What resulted was a strange and confusing acid trip involving alternate identities that would likely confound you more if I were to explain – suffice to say, he didn’t actually die in the end.
Batman then pops up during the DC epic “Final Crisis” where he is confronted by the bad guy to end all bad guys, Darkseid, who plans to take over the entire universe (of course he does). Batman breaks his only real “rule” when he fires a gun, shooting and wounding Darkseid. Before Darkseid meets his own doom, he unleashes the “Omega Sanction” on Batman, sending his consciousness back through time, although on Earth he is believed to be dead.
Needless to say, Batman fights his way back through time and reappears in the present. While he was absent, former ward Dick Grayson has taken over the mantle of Batman, and when Bruce Wayne returns from the dead he allows his former Robin to stay in charge, while he focuses on a new worldwide venture called “Batman, Incorporated.”
4. The Death of Jason Todd/Robin
Oddly enough the death of Jason Todd was one that was cheered by most comic book fans. Todd took over the mantle of Robin after Dick Grayson left Bruce Wayne’s side, and for whatever reason fans never took to the new version of the Boy Wonder. After a short stay as Batman’s faithful sidekick, Todd is brutally beaten by the Joker with a crowbar, before a bomb is set up that fatally wounds him.
Years later, Todd is found to be alive after the universe is altered by Superboy-Prime. It also turns out that the former Robin has been walking around for years with amnesia unaware of who or what life he once led.
Once Todd regains his memories, he targets Batman for “letting him die” and then becomes the ominous Red Hood in the DC Universe. As Red Hood, Todd is a gun-toting “hero” willing to cross the lines that Batman never would to subdue criminals.
5. The Blackest Night
Geoff Johns huge storyline that encompassed the entire DC universe brought the zombie mythology to a whole new level as hundreds of dead heroes were resurrected as “Black Lanterns” and sent out into the universe to destroy life. Among the resurrected were Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and several others who followed the directions of Nekron as he sought to destroy the original source of life in the universe.
The heroes eventually prevailed over Nekron, but then a dozen souls from the Black Lantern Corps were actually brought back to life and given a new chance. Currently those characters are involved in the “Brightest Day” storyline, which is still ongoing with those 12 being the central part of the storyline.
***
So as February fast approaches and the death of Spider-Man apparently nears, just assume that even if Peter Parker is presumed dead, even for a moment, he’ll be back sooner or later because in the comic books you’re only dead for as long as it takes for people to care about you again.
Hit Play with PixelVixen707: inFamous
I'm no expert on superhero comics. But in the pile of comics in our living room, stuck between The Boys, Walking Dead, and Air, are a few out-and-out good guy vs. bad guy books -- and the best of the bunch is Ultimate Spiderman. Never mind that it's an unusually good retelling of the story of everyone's favorite geek hero. Never mind that Mary Jane has a mean right hook, or that Gwen Stacy went punk. I like the book because it gives us a Spider-Man who's still learning right from wrong.
Spidey taught us -- and say it with me -- that with great power, comes great responsibility. But really, that's just his opinion. And if he didn't have the memory of his dead uncle nagging at him all the time, would he always play nice?
As the SG Gamers group caught on, Cole MacGrath, the star of Sucker Punch Productions's PlayStation 3 sandboxer inFamous, owes plenty to Spider-Man. As the erstwhile motorcycle messenger, you can scale buildings and fall from any height -- not to mention shoot lethal bolts of electricity from your fingertips. Like Spider-Man, when you start out everyone thinks you're a menace: accused of being a terrorist who turned the city into a free-fire zone, you're scoffed and spat upon everywhere you go. But unlike Spider-Man, you live in a city that can't stand in your way. Sometimes the cops sneak out of their hidey-holes to take potshots at the gangs, and the military mans the barricades around the island. But inside the city limits, you are the law. And everybody else looks very, very helpless.
In most games, the run-of-the-mill civilians fall into two extremes: they're either crucial, or insignificant. In a game like Grand Theft Auto, pedestrians are just moving targets. Running down a sidewalk full of people may get the cops on your tail, and a stick-up might bring you a few bucks, but your rampages have no long-term ramifications. The little people just don't matter. At the other end, a real-time strategy game will give you a population to protect or an army to deploy -- and every last one of those folks is a resource. Lose one or two and it's no big thing, but waste too many and you're going to lose the game.
In inFamous, the civilians matter -- but they don't matter much. You can help them, but the rewards are minor. And thanks to that design decision, you'll focus on the role you want to play rather than the points you need to earn.
To be clear, you're also confronted with boldface, lunkheaded moral decisions between a brave act and a craven one, such as, "Do I take a couple bruises from this giant walking trash monster -- or let a dozen people burn to death?" These shift your hero rating as well -- but they're not as interesting as the choices you aren't forced to make.
Choose to be a hero, and you can stop every five feet and heal someone who's wounded and dying on the sidewalk. You get a few experience points for every save, but that's just a "thank you"; knowing that you've saved hundreds of lives is the real reward. On the other hand, have you ever tied your ex's dog to the back of a bus? Or maybe grabbed the last beer in the fridge? If you're the villain-type, inFamous lets you wreak havoc on an already wrecked city, torturing the populace and even draining the last gasps of life from victims dying on the street. All these crimes will nudge your karma toward evil, but in the scheme of things, a few murders here and there don't add up to much -- and anyway, you'll quickly learn how hard it is to do good.
Maybe Spider-Man had time to catch baby carriages and save grandmas from falling taxis. But in inFamous, stray passers-by love to jump in the middle of a firefight, and who the hell has time to protect them? Plus, most of them are obnoxious. I talked to one gamer who tried to play nice, until he got trash-talk from one too many civilians -- so he walked up to the guy and knocked him across the street. Could Spider-Man get away with that?
Yes, he could -- if he wanted to. And nothing made me appreciate the masked webslinger like trying to follow his example, and failing in so many little ways. Don't get me wrong: this ain't Watchmen. The story crams 50 pounds of nonsense in a 5 pound bag, and the hero is just some guy with a squeaky messenger bag and a rechargeable battery for a brain. But the game puts its stubby little finger square on how it feels to be the ubermensch. Nobody can judge you, because nobody can stop you. And yes, all those little people matter -- but they only matter a little.
Rachael Webster (a.ka.a SG member PixelVixen707) is SG's Hit Play games columnist. A game lover and game blogger living in New York City, she also writes at PixelVixen707.com and tweets as PixelVixen707.
Ten Lessons Spider-Man Can Teach Our First Nerd President
President Barack Obama is a nerd. A geek. A dork.
Last March, he said:
I grew up on Star Trek. I believe in the final frontier.
Obama fulfilled the fanboy fantasy of flashing Leonard Nimoy the Vulcan salute, and on his now defunct official Senate web page, he posted an image of himself posing with the statue of Superman in Metropolis, Illinois. As a kid, he copied pictures of Spider-Man and Batman out of a friend's comic books and he even uses geek speak while decked out in formalwear.
Obama's such a Spider-Man fandork that Marvel Comics made him a character this month in Amazing Spider-Man # 583. Marvel's Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said:
A Spider-Man fan moving into the Oval Office is an event that must be commemorated in the pages of Amazing Spider-Man.
So, at the dawn of his presidency, SG would like to offer Mr. Obama a few important political lessons that can be learned from the adventures of everyone's favorite wall-crawler.
Ten Lessons Spider-Man Can Teach Our First Nerd President:
1. With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
This is self-explanatory, especially for the guy who's gonna be Commander-in-Chief...and who isn't a knuckle-walking fucktard from Crawford or a bald, pink Yeti from Wyoming who delights in the lubeless fisting of the Constitution.
While this is a lesson Spidey's taught millions of comic book readers, the idea mighta started as a presidential concept before it became as central to Spidey's mythology as the irradiated spider chomp that gave Peter his powers.
Comic book writer Mark Evanier tracked down a slew of antecedents for this idea, not the least of which comes from Teddy Roosevelt, who wrote in 1908:
I believe in power; but I believe that responsibility should go with power...
And Teddy's cousin FDR said in his 1945 State of the Union address that:
In a democratic world, as in a democratic Nation, power must be linked with responsibility.
FDR also wrote in a speech that he didn't live to deliver that:
Today we have learned in the agony of war that great power involves great responsibility.
And when JFK was President-Elect in January of 1961, he pinched a line from the Gospel of Luke when he said:
For of those to whom much is given, much is required.
As this was just months before Spidey debuted in Amazing Fantasy # 15 (August, 1962), this might have been the kernel of the Spidey concept. In any case, if Spidey can be the means by which this idea swings back into the Oval Office after eight crushingly irresponsible, drunken frat boy-led years, so much the cooler.
2. Conflict Leads to Collateral Damage
The idea of "collateral damage" got staked through the skulls of Spider-Man fans in the early 1970s, in the days when footage of the Vietnam War got shown on the Six O'clock News...just in time for dinner -- or for cocaine and cocktails hour at the Champagne Unit of the Texas Air National Guard.
This was especially the case when elderly hero cop Captain Stacy, father of Peter's girlfriend Gwen, got crushed to death while pushing a toddler out of the way of falling debris knocked over during a fight between Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus (in The Amazing Spider-Man # 90, November, 1970). To a little kid, Captain Stacy's dying in Spider-Man's arms, calling him "Peter" and "Son" ('cuz he knew all along that Peter was Spider-Man!!) and telling him to take care of Gwen after he's gone had the heart-trampling impact of Lear.
And a few years later, when Gwen was knocked off a bridge by the Green Goblin, and Spider-Man caught her with his webbing only to find that the sudden whiplash had broken her neck... "tragic" gave way to "traumatic" (in The Amazing Spider-Man #122, June 1973).
There's still ambiguity over whether the Green Goblin had broken her neck before Gwen fell, or if the shock of the fall had killed her. But the idea that you can kill the person you're trying to save (even before they've had the chance to fulfill their moral obligation to greet you as a liberator) was a heavy one for a kid who'd just laid down 20 cents at the candy store for a quick four-color read.
3. How to Deal with Negative Press
Spidey's gotten some steel-toed scrotum kicks from the press, most especially in the form of rants from the editor of The Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson, who also happens to be Peter Parker's boss.
Jameson's said in editorials and public lectures things like the following, from The Amazing Spider-Man #1:
We cannot let that masked menace take the law into his own hands! He is a bad influence on our youngsters! Children may try to imitate his fantastic feats! Think what would happen if they make a hero out of this lawless, inhuman monster!
JJJ himself mighta been proud to have come up with the famous, or infamous, insinuation made in the press last June that Obama's fist bumping with his wife Michelle at an event in St. Paul could have been a "terrorist fist jab."
Spidey's strategy for dealing with negative press has been to take it in stride. That is, when he didn't mope about it, and when he didn't famously quit in The Amazing Spider-Man # 50 "Spider-Man No More".
Taking bad press in stride the way Spidey (mostly) has works pretty well. Eventually the press comes around. Just look at how Spidey himself is the means by which Obama got the last word in on that fist jab, courtesy of the image above from The Amazing Spider-Man # 583, the special inauguration issue, which has been reprinted in a slew of newspapers over this past month. It's a pretty good re-spin of negative spin.
4. Your Old Mentors Can Be a Liability
Spidey's had a complex relationship with Dr. Curt Connors, both as Spider-Man and as Peter Parker.
Dr. Connors, who lost his right arm while attending fallen soldiers in a combat zone, treated Peter's Aunt May when she was sickened by a transfusion of Peter's radioactive blood. He helped Spider-Man face down the Rhino by coming up with a chemical agent that dissolved the Rhino's exoskeleton. Peter became Dr. Connor's teaching assistant. And Connors had a heart-to-heart with Spidey about facing down one's inner monsters after curing Spidey of a pesky medical condition -- the growth a few extra arms.
The downside to this relationship is that Connors, due to an effort to regenerate his lost arm, sometimes becomes the scaly supervillain the Lizard.
While Obama's former pastor, the Reverend Wright, has never done anything as bad as the Lizard, his comments donkey punched Obama's campaign and forced Obama to leave Wright's church, giving Atwater-y assholes attack ad ammo in the process.
5. It's Important to Support Public Education
I'll let Spider-Man director Sam Rami make a point for me. While addressing his decision to forgo Spidey's use of artificial web fluid, created by Peter and shot from web shooters of his own design, in favor of the movie's biological webs, Rami said:
And as far as [Peter] being a chemical engineer and designing this web fluid that even a 3M corporation with their top geniuses couldn't make today, I don't know this person.
But in the comics, a 17-year old science geek from Queens did invent web fluid and web shooters that 3M couldn't. Peter's also returned to his alma mater of Midtown High to teach science. If there are stronger endorsements for the public education, I can't think of it!
6. It's Important to Support Alternative Households
As a teen, the orphaned Peter Parker was raised alone by his (stunningly oblivious) Aunt May upon the death of his Uncle Ben. For years, Aunt May's fragile health was as constant and reliable a plot device ("If she finds out I'm Spider-Man, the shock will kill her!") in the pages of The Amazing Spider-Man as Scotty's limp-dicked dilithium crystals were on the original Star Trek.
The importance of supporting alternative households isn't something Obama needed to learn from Spider-Man, as he was partly raised by an older relative, his Grandmother "Toot", Madelyn Payne Dunham, who died just before Election Night. During his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, Obama said:
She's the one who put off buying a new car or a new dress for herself so that I could have a better life. She poured everything she had into me.
But the parallels between Peter's and Aunt May's life and Obama's certainly reinforce a sensitivity to the plight(s) of older people and kids living in alternative households, especially when it comes to health care, better than any pie-charted government report could.
7. Your Former Associates Can Be a Liability Too
As of this writing, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been impeached for trying to sell Obama's vacant Senate seat and Blagojevich's choice for that seat, Roland Burris, had a pissing-out-kidney-stones hard time getting his credentials accepted by the Senate.
The tribble-topped Blagojevich's antics aren't as much of a liability as, say, Harry Osborn's getting his lobes scrambled by drugs, finding out his roommate Peter is Spider-Man (the person he blames for the death of his father Norman Osborn, the original Green Goblin), going bugfuck and becoming the new Green Goblin and blowing up the apartment he shares with Peter (seriously hurting Peter's gal Mary Jane in the process). While Blagojevich and Obama were never so close as to be roommates, the fact is, your long-time associates really can "taint" your ass sometimes.
8. Surveillance Issues Are Tricky
The USA PATRIOT Act, data mining, the government giving big bucks to cities and municipalities to set up new hidden camera systems, erosion of the FISA Court's authority... all open cans of legal and ethical worms. Obama told George Stephanopoulos, when referring to the people whose job it is to look over other people's shoulders, that:
Part of my job is to make sure that for example at the CIA, you've got extraordinarily talented people who are working very hard to keep Americans safe. I don't want them to suddenly feel like they've got to spend all their time looking over their shoulders and lawyering.
Which brings me to another kind of worm, the Mindworm, aka William Turner, a mutant Spidey first encountered when Peter lost the lease to his fleabag apartment and had to crash at Flash Thompson's place on Far Rockaway. The Mindworm was the product of experiments in a government lab, and he spent his life probing his way into people's thoughts and feeding off of their mind's inner workings. William was so dependant on crawling around in people's heads, that when Spidey gave him a blow to the ears and "deafened" him to other people's thoughts, he freaked out because he couldn't stand the solitude of being alone in his own mind. William spent a lot of years on a bad downward slide, and died because he couldn't come to terms with his own constant inability to not intrude on other people's privacy.
9. War Veterans Need To Be Taken Care Of
Peter's nemesis at Midtown High was Eugene "Flash" Thompson, a jock who used to pick on the nerd he dubbed "Puny Parker," ironically, while also being Spider-Man's number one fan.
In the 1970s, Flash's story arc included a tour in Vietnam, with some attendant PTSD that led to Flash becoming an alcoholic.
Last year, Flash quit his job and enlisted in Iraq. Amazing Spider-Man writer Marc Guggenheim told the Los Angeles Times:
Sometimes you get these fully formed ideas... and the one I had then was that we would follow Flash in this combat area with the dangers of door-to-door fighting [in Iraq] and would see how Spider-Man inspires him. It would go back to the idea of Flash being a real fan of Spider-Man and so we see that admiration inspire Flash to bravery.
Flash's admiration for Spider-Man was such that while fighting in Mosul and with his legs shot to bloody rags, he carried a fellow soldier out of danger rather than be medevac'ed out and get immediate treatment that could have saved his own legs.
Peter stood by Flash when, after his first tour, he suffered the lasting effects of PTSD and alcoholism. Peter later shows support for Flash after he's wounded in Iraq by sending him a CARE package while he's being treated at a base hospital in Germany.
On a larger scale, Obama has pledged to reverse the 2003 legislation which stops modest-income veterans from receiving care from the Veterans' Administration. He's also vowed to establish a "zero tolerance" policy when it comes to allowing veteran war heroes to fall into homelessness. He has promised to smooth out the bureaucracy that impedes vets from getting their benefits. So, maybe guys like Flash will get just a bit of their due.
10. It's Important to Support the Development of New Technologies
Technology in Spidey's world goes wonky. Witness the advent of Doctor Octopus and the Sandman. But in the form of John Jameson, the astronaut son of J. Jonah Jameson, we have an old skool "Right Stuff/Roger Ramjet" hero who embodies something Obama thinks has been missing from the American imagination. Last March, Obama said:
NASA has lost focus and is no longer associated with inspiration, I don't think our kids are watching the space shuttle launches. It used to be a remarkable thing. It doesn't even pass for news anymore.
So, yeah... even though through scientific mishaps and misadventure, John Jameson wound up fighting Spidey in a special exoskeletal "Jupiter Suit," became the lycanthropic villain Man-Wolf, and morphed into the superbeing known as Stargod (and as an aside, married Bruce Banner's wicked smart and urgently fuckable green-skinned cousin, Jennifer Walters, aka She-Hulk), he, through his place in the Spider-Man mythos, embodies that "can do" NASA mojo, that Obama talks about, and which has given the U.S. a real edge in the world technologically. The fact that Obama plans to create the first Cabinet-level post of Chief Technology Officer hints he's taken that "can do" outlook to heart.
© Michael Marano 2009.
Horror writer, pop culture commentator and film critic Michael Marano wrote "Inner Demons, Outer Heroes, Outer Villains: A Look at Monstrosity in Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2" for the book Webslinger: SF and Comic Writers on Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man, edited by Gerry Conway (the writer who killed Gwen Stacy).
Click HERE to purchase a copy of the limited edition Obama/Spider-Man comic, and support the progressive news hounds at BuzzFlash.com (at time of writing they had just 120 copies of the third edition left!).
Chris Gore's Footage Fetishes: 2007 Summer Movie Scorecard
The major summer movies have come and gone, so its a good time to evaluate how this summer stacks up in terms of the winners and losers. Every year the industry predicts doom, and then the summer box-office breaks last years record. This year will be no different. Heres a quick checklist of what weve learned from the summer movie season 2007 the surprises, the biggest, the best, the worst, and more
according to me anyway.
Biggest Box-office Winner
Spider-Man 3
Ranking currently at number 15 on the all-time U.S. box-office list with $336 million dollars in ticket sales, the only thing people are wondering about is if theres a fourth in the works
and who might star in it.
Biggest Box-office Loser
Stardust
At a cost of over $100 million, this well-reviewed Neil Gaiman-written fairy tale with a stellar cast made a paltry $9 million in its debut weekend. It seems audiences are just not in the mood for a Princess Bride-style adventure. As you wish.
Biggest Disappointment
Evan Almighty
Okay, no one was looking forward to a sequel to Bruce Almighty wrapped up neatly in a modern telling of Noahs Ark story
but Steve Carell is hot! Well, er, he was.
Surprise Hit
Knocked Up
Vulgar and sweetness should be trademark of Judd Apatow and his gang of merry men. Seth Rogan and Katherine Heigl are now the proud parents of a sub-genre of romantic comedy that delivers gross-out laughs with a heart.
Surprisingly Good
Transformers
The word was that director Michael Bay was just going to disappoint the hardcore fans who watched the original cartoon and played with Transformers toys as kids. That disappeared after the first screening when Bay delivered probably his best film yet. So, will we see Micronauts next?
Surprise Failure
Sicko
Michael Moores 2004 documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 made $119 million at the U.S. box-office and quickly became the highest-grossing doc in film history. Sicko has yielded a respectable $23 million in ticket sales so far, but has yet to really engage the public in a debate about health care. Too bad as the film is perhaps his best yet.
Best Sequel
The Bourne Ultimatum
All Matt Damon has to do is talk fast into a cell phone and run, run, run away as the camera shakes in an attempt to keep up
and its ends up being a thrill ride that is intense as hell. Do that again for us, will you?
Worst Sequel
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
So, the story of the coming of Galactus ends in a cloud. Really? A cloud. Thats all you got? Did they not read the comic book? Lose the slapstick and reboot this series with an indie filmmaker who can get to the deeper layers of Marvels super-family.
Bright New Star
Seth Rogan
Who knew that schlumpy was the new sexy? Thank you Seth Rogan.
Falling Star
Bruce Willis
Live Free or Die Hard is clearly the second best in the Die Hard series, but failed to live up to expectations. Something not to miss when it comes to DVD.
Why did they even make this film? (Or, I cant believe this movie was so bad!)
It's a 12-way tie!
Daddy Day Camp and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and I Know Who Killed Me and Hot Rod and License to Wed and Becoming Jane and Nancy Drew and Whos Your Caddy? and No Reservations and Underdog and Rush Hour 3 and Bratz
There clearly was not a shortage of bad movies this summer
and in six months, landfills across America will be filled with DVDs bearing their names. In fact, Id be surprised if you even remembered that half these films were released over the summer.
Tracy Turnblad wishes every day were Negro day... one day her wish may come true.
Summer 2007s Best Film
Hairspray
This is the only summer movie that not only lives up to, but surpasses the hype. Hairspray delivers a much-needed wake up call with messages about not only about racism, but people with different body types. Nicole Blonsky as the new Tracy Turnblad is just plain hot.
Gore gone.
Chris_Gore spent his summer indoors watching movies and remains proud of his "indoor kid" heritage.
Mary Jane Hot: Comic Nerds Surpringly Pissed
Anyone with a passing knowledge of super hero comic books for the last 20 or so years knows that, for the most part, female characters breasts and butts have been steadily expanding. Maybe its due to some kind of free range estrogen mutation thats morphed the women of both the DC and Marvel comics universes. More likely its a sort of creepy look into the overactive, and likely frustrated, libidos of the majority of comics creators and readers.
So it was surprising to see that comic book fans are up in arms about a sexualized statue of Mary Jane Parker, nee Watson.
To celebrate the record-breaking box office of Spider-Man 3, Marvel released a statue of Mary Jane caught in the uber-domestic scene of laundry. Apparently out of clean clothes, shes wearing ripped jeans, a thong and a skimpy t-shirt and a pearl necklace (not the ZZ Top kind, the kind with real pearls). Shes bending over and looking behind her shoulder with a come hither look that all but screams "come and get it tiger" you can practically picture webbing on her back (hey-o!).
The perfect storm of domesticity and sexiness has displeased a bunch of comic fans, evidently, resulting flurry of blogging, live-journaling and letter-writing campaigns. The statue has been accused of bad taste, misogyny, and, perhaps most damning for comic book fans, breaking with cherished continuity.
The outrage initially seemed really overstated and sort of silly, at least to me. The defenses for the statue, though, especially when presented in an eye-catching grid pattern, are what turns the whole thing around.
Theres no good reason for women to be hyper-sexualized in this otherwise fairly arrested development-appealing medium. And judging from the number of comments, there are enough female readers of comics for it to matter.
But the bald, flat truth of the matter is that comic books and super heroes are perceived as such loser venues, things that only virginal dudes with overactive frustrated fantasy lives care about, that whatever the intentions of the statue were, everybody involved looks shitty. That includes the statues makers, prospective consumers, and, to a lesser extent, the people who get outraged over it.
Kirsten Dunst was the worst part of those movies, anyway.
Chris Gore's Footage Fetishes: Summer Movie Survival Guide 2007
The summer movie season is like a four month-long holiday for film freaks like myself. This is the time when Hollywood is banking on to make the bulk of their boxoffice for the year. The stakes are as high for the studios, as it is for an individual taking a trip to the theater.
In the interests of providing guidance through the maze of the multiplex, I've provided this handy guide to the films opening this weekend through August. (NOTE: Release dates are subject to change as well as opinons, so you have been warned.)
Opening May 4
Spider-Man 3
The studio says
The crime-fighting wall-crawler dons a powerful new suit and battles two of the most feared villains yet, Sandman and Venom.
Heres the deal
Yes, the Spider-Man film series is beginning to feel a little like the James Bond movies -- it's the same every time. But this one raises the stakes with the best action of the three and the best special effects in any super-hero film ever. And Emo-Peter Parker is hysterical.
Verdict... Do not miss this -- see it in the theater!
Lucky You
The studio says
Eric Bana stars as a high-stakes card player who sets out to win the World Series of Poker--and the affections of Drew Barrymore.
Heres the deal
This movie is being sacrificed by the studio going head-to-head with Spidey. Maybe they forgot to release this in February where other films of this type reside.
Verdict... Pass. Not seeing this movie will still guarantee that your life is complete.
Away From Her
The studio says
A married couple's idyllic retirement is permanently disrupted when they must cope with the onset of Alzheimer's disease.
Heres the deal
This family drama from Canadian actress/director Sarah Polley debuted at this past Sundance. It's a heartfelt drama and worthwhile. Just try to hold back the tears.
Verdict... See it when it hits cable.
Civic Duty
The studio says
An accountant obsessed with terrorist plots and cable news gets a jolt when a Muslim graduate student moves in next door. (In limited release.)
Heres the deal
It still might be too soon for this. Audiences have rejected even the big studio 9/11-terrorist films as being too depressing to even think about.
Verdict... Tivo it when it hits cable.
The Flying Scotsman
The studio says
The true story of celebrated Scottish cyclist Graeme Obree, who broke the world one-hour record on a bike of his own design. (In limited release.)
Heres the deal
Um. Never heard of this. Is it too late to see Spider-Man 3 again?
Verdict... DVD. Or not.
Opening May 11
28 Weeks Later
The studio says
Six months after the rage virus wiped out London, the city rebuilds and re-populates...but the virus is still alive, and deadlier than ever.
Heres the deal
No Cillian Murphy or Naomie Harris reprising their roles and Danny Boyle did not direct the second installment of the re-invented zombie movie 28 Days Later. At the helm is Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, who has not directed a film since 2001 with a feature did called Intact. Question: Was the first film a big enough hit to warrant a sequel? The original made 43 million at the boxoffice, so is there enough demand for a sequel? This does not matter -- the story is epic and the zombie action disgusting like I know you like it.
Verdict... Don't miss this one in the theater.
The Ex
The studio says
An underachiever (Zach Braff) must take a job when his pregnant wife (Amanda Peet) quits her high-pressure, big salary career.
Heres the deal
Um, is Zach Braff really a romantic comedy star? Really? Cute, it's not offensive, you're not liable to love it or hate it which means... not really sure if I care enough to feel strongly one way or another.
Verdict... Must-see on cable.
Delta Farce
The studio says
Three hapless guys are mistaken for Army Reservists, loaded onto a plane to Iraq, and accidentally ejected somewhere over Mexico.
Heres the deal
Time + Tragedy = Comedy! Or one would hope. If you're ready to laugh at a comedy dealing with the Iraq war, then I am too.
Verdict... See it at the drive-in. That is, if you can find one.
Blind Dating
The studio says
A young blind man signs up for a dangerous experimental procedure to restore his vision... and falls in love with this nurse.
Heres the deal
Love the pitch... the film... not so much.
Verdict... Skip it.
Georgia Rule
The studio says
Lindsay Lohan, Felicity Huffman and Jane Fonda star as three generations of women who learn about the true ties that bind.
Heres the deal
Lindsay Lohan. Felicity Huffman. Jane Fonda. I'm so not there.
Verdict... Look for the special edition DVD before the summer ends... in landfills soon.
Home of the Brave
The studio says
Three soldiers who return home after a lengthy tour in Iraq find that re-entering "normal" life after war is not an easy task. (In limited release.)
Heres the deal
Jessica Biel is amazing as a vet who has lost her hand. Terrific. But is this what we want in a summer movie?
Verdict... See it on cable.
The Hip Hop Project
The studio says
Documents a group of New York City teenagers who transform their life stories into powerful works of art, using hip hop. (In limited release.)
Heres the deal
Just like vegetables are part of a balanced diet, so it goes for documentaries, an essential part of a moviegoers' good breakfast. And this music doc will please both fans and non-fans of hip hop.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Opening May 18
Shrek the Third
The studio says
When Shrek married Fiona, the last thing he wanted was to rule Far Far Away, but when his frogger-in-law, King Harold, suddenly croaks, Shrek is quickly fitted for the crown.
Heres the deal
Third time's the charm... or not?
Verdict... Catch a bargain matinee with an enthusiastic group of kids.
Even Money
The studio says
Three intertwining stories of people whose lives are shattered by gambling and addiction.
Heres the deal
Danny DeVito and Kim Basinger star in a film that almost no one knows anything about including me. There's a movie coming out this summer called Even Money?
Verdict... Jury's out.
The Wendell Baker Story
The studio says
A good-hearted ex-con goes straight and gets a job in a retirement hotel, where a trio of retired residents help him win back his girl and battle the hotel corruption led by the head nurse.
Heres the deal
This indie with Owen Wilson and Eva Mendes along with Will Ferrell (that Will Ferrell's so hot right now) could break out as a sleeper hit.
Verdict... Catch it at the theater or on cable or on DVD.
Opening May 25
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
The studio says
Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) are allied with Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) in a desperate quest to free Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) from his mind-bending trap in Davy Jones' locker, while the terrifying ghost ship, The Flying Dutchman and Davy Jones, under the control of the East India Trading Company, wreaks havoc across the Seven Seas.
Heres the deal
At nearly three hours long, the conclusion of the Pirates trilogy will pack them in and provide a fun time for all. Johnny Depp has created a classic character in Jack Sparrow and the effects alone make this worth seeing.
Verdict... See it in the theater, but get an aisle seat for trips to the bathroom. This movie is looooooooooong.
Bug
The studio says
A lonely waitress with a tragic past, Agnes rooms in a run-down motel, living in fear of her abusive, recently paroled ex-husband. But when Agnes begins a tentative romance with Peter, an eccentric, nervous drifter, she starts to feel hopeful again--until the first bugs arrive.
Heres the deal
Ashley Judd heads up the cast... so you already know how this one ends.
Verdict... Cable.
Opening June 1
Knocked Up
The studio says
Allison Scott is an up-and-coming entertainment journalist whose 24-year-old life is on the fast track. But it gets seriously derailed when a drunken one-nighter with slacker Ben Stone results in an unwanted pregnancy. Faced with the prospect of going it alone or getting to know the baby's father, Allison decides to give the lovable doof a chance.
Heres the deal
The funniest film of the year from Judd Apatow and the team that brought us the 40 Year-Old Virgin. They've done it again by mixing crude humor with real people for a perfect blend of comedy and drama.
Verdict... See it in a crowded theater. Twice. The laughs will drown out a lot of the jokes.
Mr. Brooks
The studio says
Consider Mr. Brooks: a successful businessman; a generous philanthropist; a loving father and devoted husband. Seemingly, he's perfect. But Mr. Brooks has a secret--he is an insatiable serial killer, so lethally clever that no one has ever suspected him--until now.
Heres the deal
Kevin Costner and Demi Moore. Together. In a movie. Hmmm...
Verdict... Skip it.
Crazy Love
The studio says
Linda Riss ends a year long affair with a married Burt Pugach, who seeks revenge by hiring a man to throw acid in Linda's face and blind her. Burt gets sent to jail for 14 years, divorces his wife and marries Linda.
Heres the deal
This Sundance doc was a hit at the festival and the story will shock you. A fantastic documentary that is as gruesome as it is romantic.
Verdict... See this doc in the theater.
Day Watch
The studio says
A horror tale set in contemporary Moscow that revolves around the conflict and balance maintained between the forces of light and darkness--the result of a medieval truce between the opposing sides. This ancient war between the forces of Light and Darkness is reaching a tragic outcome.
Heres the deal
This one is flying under the radar, but the trailer alone makes this look like either the coolest effects movie ever or a great video game.
Verdict... See it in the theater or on DVD if you really prefer.
Gracie
The studio says
Set in 1978, a teenage girl overcomes the loss of her brother and fights the odds to achieve her dream of playing competitive soccer at a time when girls' soccer did not exist.
Heres the deal
The PG-13 for brief sexual content sounds interesting, but the subject is... well. You decide.
Verdict... DVD.
Opening June 8
Ocean's Thirteen
The studio says
Reuben Tishkoff stumbles into uncharted territory when he makes the mistake of planning to build a hotel with one of Las Vegas' most hated businessman, Willy Banks. Soon thereafter, he gets cut out of the deal and ends up in the hospital with a serious hearth condition. Danny Ocean tries to help his old friend out by giving the dastardly Banks a chance to restore Reuben's share of the hotel.
Heres the deal
The third film in the Ocean trilogy raises the stakes, of course.
Verdict... Already in my Netflix queue.
Hostel: Part II
The studio says
Three young Americans studying in Rome set off for a weekend trip when they run into a beautiful model from one of their art classes. Also on her way to an exotic destination, the gorgeous European invites the coeds to come along, assuring them they will be able to relax and rejuvenate. Will the girls find the oasis they are looking for?
Heres the deal
The second film in the sure-to-be Hostel trilogy takes a group of women to Europe where they... you guessed it... are kidnapped and tortured. Scenes shown at recent horror conventions had audience members creeped out and disgusted, meaning they really loved it.
Verdict... See it at the drive-in. That is, if you can find one.
Opening June 15
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
The studio says
The enigmatic, intergalactic herald, the Silver Surfer, comes to Earth to prepare it for destruction. As he races around the globe wreaking havoc, Reed, Sue, Johnny and Ben must unravel the mystery of the Silver Surfer and confront the surprising return of their mortal enemy, Dr. Doom, before all hope is lost.
Heres the deal
Fanboys are screaming about the change to Galactus' character -- no longer a purple giant, he's just a killer cloud. The original was a disappointment and the second FF movie already looks like... a disappointment. At least they're consistent.
Verdict... DVD.
Nancy Drew
The studio says
Nancy Drew travels to Los Angeles with her father and stumbles upon evidence involving the long-unsolved death of a glamorous movie star. Nancy's practical nature and resourcefulness are put to the test when dealing with the self-indulgent world of Hollywood.
Heres the deal
This is for kids. I really don't care.
Verdict... Read the novelization or get the book on tape version.
Fido
The studio says
Welcome to Willard, a small town lost in the idyllic world of the 50s, where the sun shines every day, everybody knows their neighbor, and rotting zombies deliver the mail. Years ago, the earth passed through a cloud of space dust, causing the dead to rise with a craving for human flesh. A war began, pitting the living against the dead. In the ensuing revolution, a corporation was born: ZomCon.
Heres the deal
This Sundance film delivers an original take on zombies who are now integrated into society as helpful pets. Weird and creepy in all the right ways.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Opening June 22
Evan Almighty
The studio says
Newly elected to Congress, the polished, preening newscaster, Evan Baxter, is the next one anointed by God to accomplish a holy mission--walking in the footsteps of Bruce Almighty.
Heres the deal
Steve Carrell can do no wrong. He's funny doing nothing, and with a plot, he kills.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Broken English
The studio says
A successful New Yorker with little success at romance meets a Frenchman who sweeps her off her feet and off to Paris, inspiring her to travel as a courier with her best friend.
Heres the deal
Parker Posey is back and she's always worth seeing.
Verdict... DVD.
A Mighty Heart
The studio says
A memoir of the life of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl, who was kidnapped and murdered in Pakistan in 2002.
Heres the deal
One question: Does Angelina Jolie get naked?
Verdict... I need an answer to my question above before I decide.
Opening June 27
Live Free or Die Hard
The studio says
On the July 4th holiday, an attack on the vulnerable United States infrastructure begins to shut down the entire nation. The mysterious figure behind the scheme has figured out every modern angle -- but he never figured on an old-school "analog" fly in the "digital" ointment: John McClane.
Heres the deal
Advance word is not good. Does the phrase, "I'm getting too old for this shit," mean anything to you?
Verdict... DVD.
You Kill Me
The studio says
A hitman from Buffalo is sent to the West Coast to dry out. He attends AA meetings, gets a sponsor and lands a job in a mortuary, where he meets a woman who is a relative of one his hits.
Heres the deal
Ben Kingsley, Téa Leoni and Luke Wilson have the makings of a great cast for a solid indie.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Opening June 29
Ratatouille
The studio says
A rat named Remy dreams of becoming a great French chef despite his family's wishes and the obvious problem of being a rat in a decidedly rodent-phobic profession. When fate places Remy in the sewers of Paris, he finds himself ideally situated beneath a restaurant made famous by his culinary hero, Auguste Gusteau.
Heres the deal
Another CG cartoon but this one is from Brad Bird who did The Incredibles.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Evening
The studio says
A drama exploring the emotional and romantic past of Ann Grant, a 65-year-old woman with terminal cancer. Ann's children gather around to make sense of their complicated mother while she drifts back through morphine-induced memories to a brief romantic interlude in the late 1950s, perhaps the only defining moment of complete surrender and happiness in her life.
Heres the deal
Um. Don't care. Which is sad, I know.
Verdict... See it on the Lifetime Channel.
Sicko
The studio says
Acclaimed filmmaker Michael Moore sets out to investigate the American healthcare system. Sticking to his tried-and-true one-man approach, Moore sheds light on the complicated medical affairs of individuals and local communities.
Heres the deal
That depends -- how much do you trust Moore after so many controversies?
Verdict... See it in the theater, if only so you can bitch about it online.
Opening July 4
Transformers
The studio says
The Earth is caught in the middle of an intergalactic war between two races of robots, the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons, which are able to change into a variety of objects, including cars, trucks, planes and other technological creations.
Heres the deal
Are you kidding? Is there a limit to the number of geekgasms that will spew forth from the audience. The trailers prove they nailed it and took a so-so kids show and turned it into a realistic action movie.
Verdict... Opening night!
License to Wed
The studio says
A young couple's wedding plans are interrupted when the pushy minister of the bride's family church orders the pair to complete a two-week prenup course. They must pass the class if they want to marry in his church. The groom fails the course and loses the girl but fights to win her back.
Heres the deal
Robin Williams. So, the choice is obvious.
Verdict... Avoid at all costs.
Rescue Dawn
The studio says
Based on the true story of German-born Dieter Dengler, who dreamed of being a test pilot and thus made his way to America, where he joined the military in pursuit of his obsession to fly. On his first mission in Vietnam, he is shot down and captured by Vietcong guerrillas.
Heres the deal
Christian Bale is always worth seeing, but mostly when he's Batman.
Verdict... DVD.
Opening July 13
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The studio says
As his fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry approaches, 15-year-old Harry Potter is in full-blown adolescence, complete with regular outbursts of rage, a nearly debilitating crush, and the blooming of a powerful sense of rebellion.
Heres the deal
Does anything I say even matter? I'll go see it.
Verdict... Opening weekend in a theater.
1408
The studio says
Adapted from the short story by Stephen King, a renowned horror novelist Mike Enslin (John Cusack) believes only in what he can see with his own two eyes. But after a string of bestsellers discrediting paranormal events in the most infamous haunted houses and graveyards around the world, he has no real proof of life - or afterlife.
Heres the deal
This is only worth seeing because of John Cusack. The better Cusack movie is Grace is Gone for which
he will be nominated for an Oscar.
Verdict... Cable.
Talk to Me
The studio says
The telling of the real-life story of Ralph Waldo "Petey" Greene, an outspoken ex-con who talked his way into becoming an iconic radio personality in the 1960s, in Washington, D.C. Sparked by both the era's vibrant soul music and exploding social consciousness, Petey openly courted controversy at a white-owned station.
Heres the deal
I'd rather see the documentary about the subject.
Verdict... Skip it.
Opening July 20
Hairspray
The studio says
Set in Baltimore during the 1960s dance TV craze, a zaftig high school hairhopper, Tracy Turnblad, graduates from outsider to celebrity trendsetter and along the way she stars on "The Corny Collins Show," wins the heart of resident hunk Link Larkin and kicks down the barriers for black and white integration on local television.
Heres the deal
John Travolta in drag is reason enough to see this.
Verdict... Catch a midnight show after some drinks.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
The studio says
Chuck Levine and Larry Valentine are the pride of their fire station: two guy's guys always side-by-side and willing to do anything for each other. Grateful Chuck owes Larry for saving his life in a fire, and Larry calls in that favor big time when civic red tape prevents him from naming his own two kids as his life insurance beneficiaries.
Heres the deal
Adam Sandler in a comedy means that you will laugh at a fart joke eventually.
Verdict... Cable.
Goya's Ghosts
The studio says
The life and times of Spanish painter Francisco Goya, who lived from 1746-1828 and was a frequent target of the Spanish Inquisition.
Heres the deal
Costume dramas like this one are out of place in the summer, though Natalie Portman provides plenty of eye candy.
Verdict... Cable.
Opening July 27
The Simpsons Movie
The studio says
After 18 years on the air, Springfield's favorite family finally makes it to the big screen. Homer (Dan Castellaneta), Marge (Julie Kavner), Bart (Nancy Cartwright), Lisa (Yeardley Smith) and Maggie Simpson will be there, along with regulars like Moe the bartender (Hank Azaria) and Mr. Burns (Harry Shearer).
Heres the deal
"Worst summer movie ever" are words that will not be used to describe this film. Prepare to see Bart doing a full-frontal nude scene as the Simpsons' team pushes the limit.
Verdict... See it in the theater on opening night.
I Know Who Killed Me
The studio says
An idyllic small town is rocked when Aubrey Fleming, a bright and promising young woman, is abducted and tortured by a sadistic serial killer. When she manages to escape, the traumatized girl who regains consciousness in the hospital insists that she is not who they think she is and that the real Aubrey Fleming is still in mortal danger.
Heres the deal
It's The Sixth Sense for kids!
Verdict... See it on DVD.
No Reservations
The studio says
A top notch female chef's life is turned upside-down when she must care of her niece after her sister is killed. She now has to adapt to a different lifestyle and uses food as a means to express her roller-coaster life.
Heres the deal
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart in a romantic comedy are the ingredients of something I never care to see.
Verdict... Skip it.
Opening August 1
El Cantante
The studio says
Biopic of Hector Lavoe, one of the biggest Spanish-language singers in the 1970s, but personal tragedy and a heroin addiction left him penniless and dying from complications from AIDS.
Heres the deal
Sad, depressing, so... indie.
Verdict... Netflix it.
Opening August 3
The Bourne Ultimatum
The studio says
All he wanted was to disappear. Instead, Jason Bourne is now hunted by the people who made him what he is. Having lost his memory and the one person he loved, he is undeterred by the barrage of bullets and a new generation of highly-trained killers. Bourne has only one objective: to go back to the beginning and find out who he was.
Heres the deal
Smart action is the best kind and this one looks to be the best of the three.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Becoming Jane
The studio says
Before becoming a famous novelist, a young Jane Austen becomes embroiled in a passionate love affair with an Irish lawyer, Tom Lefroy, that inspires her career.
Heres the deal
If you really, really love Jane Austen, then be my guest.
Verdict... Um, I'll never see it.
Charlie Bartlett
The studio says
An eccentric teenager gains popularity by becoming the student supplier of prescription drugs. He averts a potential collision with the school superintendent by helping the educator patch up his relationship with his daughter.
Heres the deal
A drug film? How do I get some?
Verdict... DVD.
Hot Rod
The studio says
Amateur stuntman Rod Kimble has a problem--his step-father Frank is a jerk. Frank picks on Rod, tosses him around like a rag doll in their weekly sparring sessions, and definitely doesn't respect him, much less his stunts. But when Frank falls ill, it's up to Rod to stage the jump of his life in order to save his step-father.
Heres the deal
We'll all find out if Andy Samberg can sustain his comedy beyond an SNL short.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Resurrecting the Champ
The studio says
A homeless man claims to be the former boxing great Bob Satterfield, but turns out to be a lesser known fighter of the same era.
Heres the deal
The sports movie will never die and this boxing film will end with a winner or a loser... which may or may not be the audience. But with a cast like Samuel L. Jackson, Josh Hartnett, Teri Hatcher and Alan Alda (Alan Alda?) this one could really lose big.
Verdict... Skip it.
The Ten
The studio says
Ten blasphemous comedic stories inspired by the Biblical Commandments. Each tale unfolds in a different style, but with characters and themes that overlap, as told by a narrator who, in turn, has his own moral problems.
Heres the deal
Paul Rudd joins Amanda Peet, Jessica Alba, Ken Marino and Justin Theroux in a creative gamble that just might pay off.
Verdict... See it on DVD or in the theater. It's up to you.
Opening August 10
Rush Hour 3
The studio says
LAPD detective James Carter and Chinese Chief Inspector Lee travel to Paris to battle a wing of the Chinese organized crime family, the Triads.
Heres the deal
Was anyone clamoring for this movie? Not me.
Verdict... Skip it.
Stardust
The studio says
A young man named Tristan (Charlie Cox) tries to win the heart of Victoria (Sienna Miller), the beautiful but cold object of his desire, by going on a quest to retrieve a fallen star. His journey takes him to a mysterious and forbidden land beyond the walls of his village.
Heres the deal
Neil Gaiman's new fantasy film looks like a mixed bag from the trailer. And DeNiro in a fantasy never seems to work.
Verdict... Not sure.
Opening August 17
Superbad
The studio says
Two co-dependent high school guys want to hook up with girls before they graduate and go off to different colleges, but, after a calamitous night just trying to buy alcohol for a school party, overcoming their separation anxiety becomes a greater challenge than getting the girls.
Heres the deal
A badass high school comedy that is pee-your-pants funny. Sorry about the smell.
Verdict... See it in the theater.
Wedding Daze
The studio says
American Pie's Jason Biggs stars as a man recovering form the death of his girlfriend in this wild comedy feature. Biggs's character asks a beautiful woman to marry him in an act of spontaneity and, much to his surprise, she agrees.
Heres the deal
The American Pie films ran out of steam awhile ago and this one looks like it has even less steam.
Verdict... Look for the direct to DVD sequel which is probably already in the works.
The Invasion
The studio says
When a mysterious alien infection spreads like an epidemic over the entire country, a woman fights to save her own life and the life of her son, who may hold the key to stopping the takeover.
Heres the deal
Reshoots have kept this Nicole Kidman film on the shelf for awhile, which is never a good sign.
Verdict... DVD.
Opening August 24
The Comebacks
The studio says
A comedy that spoofs the story of an out-of-luck coach, Lambeau Fields, who takes a rag-tag bunch of college misfits and drives them towards the football championships. In the process, of course, this life-long loser discovers that he is a winner after all--redeeming himself, saving his relationship with his family and friends, and finds that there is indeed, no "I" in "team"!
Heres the deal
Sports-comedies are hot, so your liking it is irrelevant, the victory of this film is pre-ordained.
Verdict... Cable.
Good Luck Chuck
The studio says
A man breaks up with his long-time girlfriend only to see her get engaged to the next guy she dates. The same pattern occurs with his next girlfriend, and continues to repeat. All of a sudden he finds himself becoming a lucky charm for women, who all want to date him.
Heres the deal
Jessica Alba + Dane Cook = Comedy Genius/Hotness X Possible Bomb.
Verdict... Pay per view special at $1.99.
The Hottest State
The studio says
William is a good-looking young actor. He may be vain and cocky, but his doubt manifests itself in endearing self-criticism. Sarah is a beautiful singer-songwriter. Coincidence and a divinely wintry day bring them together and they begin a fevered, fitful romance.
Heres the deal
This may be the only place you'll hear anything about this small indie worth a look.
Verdict... Cable.
Opening August 31
Halloween
The studio says
A new take on the legend and a new chapter in the Michael Myers "Halloween" saga.
Heres the deal
Rob Zombie takes over the duties behind the camera and the franchise could not be in more capable hands. this re-invention is sure to please old fans and create new ones with a high body count and a fresh take.
Verdict... See it at the drive-in, the best place to see a horror film.
Now it's your tur - what films are you looking forward to most this summer? Which do you plan to see in the theater or wait for on DVD? And what about the summer of 2008, which will bring us Batman: The Dark Knight with Heath Ledger as the Joker, Ed Norton as the ever-lovin' Hulk, the Wachowski Brothers returning to direct Speed Racer, Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man and Indiana Jones part IV? These questions and more will be addressed in your comments.
Gore gone!
Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker and the creator of Film Threat. During sunny summer days, he can be found in a dark theater avoiding a tan.
Webs Over Broadway: Spidey Gets the Musical Treatment
Hey, remember when they made High Fidelity: The Musical and it was a wildly popular box-office success? Oh, wait, it was cancelled after eleven days. Okay, but remember when they made that Bob Dylan musical and it was universally well-received and celebrated? Oh, wait, no, that one was cancelled, too. Well, all right, but at least Broadway has learned from its mistakes and will no longer dabble in the sort of genres with which it has no business dabbling. Oh, wait...
A reading of the new musical Spider-Man will take place in New York City July 12 and 13, Playbill.com has learned.
A casting notice reveals the "29-hour rehearsed reading" will begin rehearsals July 2 for the two-day event.
As previously reported, Julie Taymor will direct the forthcoming musical version of the Marvel Comics hero with music provided by Bono and The Edge of the band U2. According to the notice, Glen Berger playwright of Underneath The Lintel and The Wooden Breeks will join Taymor on the book. (Neil Jordan of "The Crying Game" fame had previously been attached.) Taymor consistent collaborator Matthias "Teese" Gohl ("Across The Universe," "Frida," "Titus"
will serve as musical supervisor.
Okay but in all fairness, who doesn't think of Spider-Man and immediately think of U2 and The Crying Game? No? Well, moving on then!
So as we can see, they're still just in the casting stage at this point. The call requirements listed on Playbill range from admittedly cute (check out the "geek chorus" parts) to kind of terrifying:
Arachne: "a beautiful, boastful young woman turned into a spider for her hubris and lack of respect for the gods...appears to Peter Parker and the audience as in turn a powerful spider-woman who comes from another time to inspire Peter; an otherworldly lover; a bride; a terrifying (and sexy) dark goddess of vengeance; a dance partner in a charged and violent spiders dance of death...e.g., Sinead O'Connor."
Uh, that's not the way I remembered her, but that's cool. Either way, is anyone else just dying now to see how this is going to pan out? I say it has "hands-down recipe for success" written all over it. What could possibly go wrong?
Recommended Viewing: Another gruesome casualty along the wayside of the "What If Pop Culture Had a Soundtrack" experiment. Let this be a lesson. History is doomed to repeat what it fails to remember. Never forget.
Radioactive Scorpion Venom vs. Cancer
A tale out of science fiction, health physicists have discovered a way to turn radioactive scorpion venom into a brain-cancer fighting treatment. The venom hails from the yellow Israeli scorpion. When combined with the radioactive substance iodine-131, the venom protein attaches itself onto the glioma cells, releasing radiation that kills the cell.
This experimental treatment would help patients with high-grade gliomas, a cancer causing death generally within the first year of diagnosis. Currently in phase 2 of human trials, the venom therapy is already showing hope for treatment, and longer survival rates.
As Jackson discovered, the TM-601 that does not bind to cells in the body is rapidly excreted in the urine. "Other tissues will receive some dose," he says, "but the vast majority of the dose is delivered to the cancer cells." To prevent the radioactive compound from being absorbed by the thyroid, which has a voracious appetite for iodine, the patients were given large amounts of non-radioactive iodine prior to the therapy to block the thyroid uptake of I-131.
I really do wonder how the researchers in question developed their thesis question. While I'm sure the actual thought process was based upon previous studies of venom properties, I much rather imagine them sitting in a dark room, talking about spiderman, possibly under the influence, and deciding it would be way cool to actually develop radioactive venom, you know, just to say I did that.