Guest columnist Margaret Cho writes....

A lover once looked very dismayed at my Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator -- the Cadillac of sex toys and my true BFF -- and said, "I wish you would lose that thing and I could really make you cum." This was very upsetting to me, for a number of reasons. First of all, what does it mean to "really make you cum?" Is sex without toys somehow more legitimate? If that is the case I am guilty of having bastard orgasms for much of my adult fucking life now.

I love my bastard orgasms! It took me a long time to find my way to them! I have a different kind of setup downstairs. I have never read anything anywhere that showed me how to get off that actually worked. It took many years of trial and error. There were lots and lots of lovers of many genders and shapes and sizes and techniques and styles. I tried workshops and therapists and sex clubs and dominants and submissives and oral geniuses and big cocks and little cocks and fake cocks and no cocks and tantric workshops and anal college and softball games and g-shot finding expeditions and it wasn't until I accidentally misused my back massager that I struck gold!

Since then, my Hitachi and I have been joined at the -- um -- hip, and I love it. They are supposed to have a lifetime guarantee, but I must have been getting more than a lifetime's worth of enjoyment because they tend to burn out on me after a couple of years. No worries because they only cost about $65 retail -- and one of the reasons I spent two years on the board of Good Vibrations is because I would get them for free -- and of course I stocked up!

These marvelous inventions give me earth shattering orgasms, every time -- and the best part about it is that I am now free from the worry of "What if don't cum? What if I can't cum? What if, what if, what if?" It is no longer a concern. I can freely have sex and know that I will be able to get that internal fuse lit that goes to the dynamite that makes it all go bang, bang.

So it really fucks me up when someone, a lover, someone I am supposed to be close with, someone who is supposed to accept all of me, someone who is supposed to love me -- as a lover is supposed to do -- comments that my orgasms are somehow the wrong kind of orgasm.

Why are they wrong? I don't understand. Aren't all orgasms a good thing? Why qualify? What makes one orgasm better than another type of orgasm? Do you assign them to categories after you have them?

I get insecure about myself sexually, because I don't have sex like a porn star. In movies people can cum from just fucking! I wish I could do this because I think I might be a more conventional lay. In erotica and romantic women's literature, people can climax at the same time! I have never done this. I don't know what it would feel like. I might be sad about it, because I really enjoy watching my partner get off and if I was doing so at the same time I feel like I would miss it. But climaxing separately, as I am used to, which I really love, some people think is also missing something.

You can't win! But at least you can cum. If you are like me, and have a unique arrangement in your pants, then don't delay; Get a Hitachi today!

Margaret Cho is currently on a nationwide tour, and will be recording her fifth live DVD (to be released in 2009) at her Long Beach performances at the Terrace Theatre on October 25. Click HERE for ticket info and her full Beautiful Tour schedule.

In the summer of 1917, in a little town in Portugal, the Virgin Mary allegedly appeared to three shepherd children over a series of five months, telling them secrets and the details of their own deaths and how to bring about world peace -- that last one an especially important sentiment at the time, especially in Europe where World War One was raging all the closer. Thousands upon thousands of devout Catholics flocked to the site in pilgrimage, and to this very day it is a consistently popular travel destination.

Now, as everybody knows, nothing goes better with Catholic miracles than creatively marketed vibrators, so thankfully some advertising agency was able to rub a couple brain cells together for the sake of giving us this little gem, just in time for the 90th anniversary of the vision's first appearance.

Personally, I am dying to know what they mean by "the wrong use of the picture of the Virgin Mary," but so far no one is coughing up pictures. Ten dollars says whatever shop decided to go for broke with these maps was hoping for some free publicity, but sadly the joke is on them: try as I might to dig for information, not a single article has mentioned their name.