California: How Not To Do It
California is officially a complete and total disaster. Our system of government is set up to fail. We have, as a populace, made such amazingly shortsighted and childlike decisions, that we now face economic doom. The death of California began in 1978 with Proposition 13 and has continued on the same path of stupidity and greed ever since. Prop 13 set the stage for the Republicans to cut taxes and not pay as you go all across the country. California is what America is going to be, so watch our states destruction closely. Its pretty pathetic.
Prop 13 decreased property taxes 30 percent and created a cap on future rates of increase. I guess the idea was that the state would then stop spending money. FAIL. I remember that year well, because its the year I started riding my bike miles to school because the buses stopped. Oh and the junior high school three blocks from my home closed, so I had to ride my bike down a busy street three miles to school, where I enjoyed larger class sizes and mobile home classrooms. Still bitter. Prop 13 then spread like a virus across the US. Within 5 years, almost half the states had passed similar laws handicapping politicians ability to raise taxes.
Some crazy asshole named Warren Buffet thinks Prop 13 is a bit of a joke.
He pointed out that the tax on his $500,000 home in Omaha increased by $1,920 that year. Meanwhile, the levy on Buffetts $4-million house in Laguna Beach, which he bought for less than $100,000 in 1971, rose by just $23.
Sweet.
So, why are other states not suffering as horribly as California? Because we let the people vote to spend money on shit we cant afford. Our wonderful ballot provision system, which allows the population to pass bonds with a simple majority vote, creates a lot of spending without all those horrible taxes to pay for it. So, politicians have to pay for it out of the general fund, which leads to massive deficits. Think a new drug treatment program is needed? Just get some signatures and throw that fucker up on the ballot. Want more spending for community colleges? Get yourself a proposition. How about rebates for peeps who buy cars that dont run on gasoline? Get a fucking proposition up in this bitch! Its been going on like this for years and now we find ourselves paying for proposition after proposition. Some believe the total cost of our propositions is 10% of the budget which just happens to be the amount of debt we are in. Huh. Welcome to the world of idiots, also known as pure democracy.
During good times, we pass 68% of our propositions, while during bad times, we get all smart and shit and only pass 23%. Of course, spending doesnt stop when we go from the good times to the bad times, so we basically go ape fuck when the money is rolling in and then have to continue paying for it when its not.
Currently, our state government is in a stalemate. Republicans refuse to increase taxes because, apparently, they dont want the state to pay its bills. The governor has ordered state employees to take two unpaid days off a week and the state is issuing IOUs instead of tax returns and other awesome stuff. Most grown ups realize you have to pay for shit. Republicans disagree. They want to cut spending on everything. You know, like those school buses that were cut and the school that was closed when I was a kid. We should apparently cut more buses and close more schools.
Schwarzenegger came into office because we recalled our last governor for lying about the budget, or some nonsense. Then he made it far, far worse. Since 2003, Schwarzenegger and the Legislature have spent $10.2 billion beyond the rate of inflation. The vast majority of that money was spent on programs Californians want. Which means we should pay for them. Thats how the adult world works, Republicans. Actual state government spending grew at a rate below that of inflation and population growth. The real cost came from voter initiatives and court lawsuits the state lost.
If you factor out voter initiatives and court suits, the remaining part of state government grew at or less than inflation and population growth," said John Laird, a Santa Cruz Democrat who served as Assembly Budget Committee chairman from 2004 to 2008.
The biggest financial disaster of a ballot measure was the 3 strikes and youre out bullshit we passed in 1994. The amount of money we are now spending to keep non-violent criminals in jail for life is ridiculous. Again, that was a proposition passed by a simple majority vote of California idiots, because some local clown in Fresno knows better than a judge.
Its not all about state ballot measures however. Our dipshit governor cut vehicle license fees as his first act. Total cost? Six billion dollars a year. Nice work. Seriously, that turned out really well, like The Last Action Hero.
This debt was doable during the okay times, but we are past those now. Now we are looking at a colossal disaster because our shockingly retarded system is even more shockingly retarded. The Legislature requires a two-thirds vote to raise taxes. So, a few Republicans are holding a largely liberal state hostage by not allowing us to raise taxes to pay for the shit we voted for. Maybe if we increased taxes, then people wouldnt be so fucking excited to pass so many ballot measures. Ever think of that, you jackasses? Any state that allows ballot measures to pass with a majority vote, but wont let elected officials increase taxes without a two-thirds vote is a complete and total asshole.
Yes, I just called the state of California an asshole. Grow up, you pathetic bitch.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper.
Wil Wheaton's Geek in Review: Sci-Fi Guilty Pleasures: Schwarzenegger Edition
Long before he was the most dangerously incompetent governor California has ever had, Arnold Schwarzenegger was the biggest action superstar on the planet, and everything he touched turned to box office gold.
Most of my generation first saw him in the title role of 1984s The Terminator, a movie that was perfectly suited to his, um, acting ability, and (unfortunately for science fiction fans) cemented him in the minds of studio executives as the guy for science fiction movies.
As I observed in Sci-Fi Guilty Pleasures of the 80s:
After exhaustive research (read: a week spent watching a big pile of movies so I can convince my wife that Im working), Ive realized that most films of the eighties which claim to be science fiction are equal parts awesomely awful and awesomely awesome, and none of them are purely sci-fi; theyre all some sort of hybrid.
Sci-Fi/Action is the most common Schwarzenegger hybrid, and he can be found chewing up cigars and scenery in some of the biggest blockbusters of the 80s and 90s.
In true action star fashion, Schwarzenegger totally overwhelms the roles he plays to the point of self-parody in each one. In the 80s, as a science fiction fan, I hated this, but with the benefit of time and the ability to not take these movies so seriously, I can enjoy them for the guilty pleasures that they are.
For this months Geek in Review, I reached into the vault, and pulled out a few of the future Governators more memorable sci-fi vehicles. To get perspective from the damn kids today, I convinced my 17 year-old son, Nolan, to watch them with me and give me a comment on each one.
The films are presented in chronological order, and are ranked on the McBain scale, which hopefully needs no further explanation.
The Running Man (1987)
In the future, society has collapsed and turned into a police state. The only thing more popular than rioting for food is watching the hit game show The Running Man, where convicted criminals try to escape from a hilarious group of stalkers who use the power of ice hockey, chainsaws, and LEDs to catch them. Arnold Schwarzenegger sits at the center of this Venn diagram, and with the help of his friends and a lot of spandex jumpsuits, manages to get the highest ratings ever, and bring down the government. Also, Mick Fleetwood is there.
Awesomely Awesome Because: To the films credit, it stops pretending to be something its not by the second reel. When Schwarzenegger tells Running Man host Richard Dawsons Killian, Ill be back, we know exactly what to expect from the rest of the film, and were not disappointed. Listening to Schwarzenegger and Maria Conchita Alonso speak heavily-accented dialog, and watching the excess of the late 80s on full, unapologetic display is unintentionally hilarious. Jesse The Body Ventura and Richard Dawson essentially play themselves in unselfconscious, uncomplicated performances that provide the perfect balance to Schwarzeneggers ludicrous, over the top collection of McBainesque one-liners.
Awesomely Awful Because: The whole thing collapses under the weight of Schwarzeneggers ludicrous, over the top collection of McBainesque one-liners. Its like there are two movies struggling to get made here: one is a dark science fiction tale about a police state that abuses the publics insatiable appetite for violence to maintain its grip on power, and the other is a series of convoluted scenes that exist simply to let Schwarzenegger feed it.
Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Cigar-chomping? Check. Convoluted display of Worlds Strongest Man-like feat of strength: Check. Quoting of The Line from Terminator? Check. Sappy, forced, I learned something today moment? Check. Uncomfortable romantic moment with a woman whos too young for him? Check.
Nolan Says: This movie needs 33% more skin-tight jumpsuits.
McBain Ranking: 11 out of 10. (In fact, this may be the film that created McBain.)
Predator (1987)
Hey, did you hear the one about the guy who was dropped into the jungle with a bunch of red shirts and Apollo Creed? You know, the one with the alien and the cool thermal camera vision? Okay, its the one where Jesse Ventura has that ridiculous chain gun, and hes all, I aint got time to bleed! Yes! That one!
Awesomely Awesome Because: Like The Running Man, once it drops the pretense of being something its not, and spends the rest of the film letting Arnold kick ass and struggle to pronounce names, its a whole lot of fun. And unlike the other films on this list, Schwarzenegger cant really overwhelm the role, because hes pretty much playing his character from Commando. The supporting cast is fine, and the climactic fight with the Predator is awesome.
Awesomely Awful Because: All the dialog in the non-Predator portion of the film is just painful to listen to. The entire MacGuffin about dropping an elite unit of commandos into the jungle who do the CIAs dirty work but are surprised and pissed when they find out theyre doing the CIAs dirty work feels like it was just lifted from another film. And for an elite secret fighting force that gets in and gets out before anyone knows they were there, they sure do make a lot of noise, fire thousands of rounds of ammunition, and never hit anyone. Still: GET TO DA CHOPPA!
Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Cigar-chomping? Check. Convoluted display of Worlds Strongest Man-like feat of strength: Check. Sappy, forced, I learned something today moment? Check.
Nolan Says: Its so sad that they gave that big guy such a tiny little gun.
McBain Ranking: 6 out of 10.
Total Recall (1990)
Douglas Quaid is a construction worker with the hottest wife on the planet, who wants to fuck him every time he breathes. Because he is some kind of asshole, this dream life isnt perfect enough for him, and he constantly fantasizes about living on Mars. His entire household budget goes toward keeping his wifes hair huge, though, so they cant afford to take an actual trip. Luckily for him, a company called Rekall can implant vacation memories that anyone can afford, so he visits Mars that way. But just visiting Mars isnt awesome enough, so he tells Rekall to make him a secret agent, throw in some alien artifacts, and a nefarious plot to destroy the planet. He also wants to nail a girl while hes there who isnt nearly as sexy as his wife, and is actually kind of skanky. Seriously. Asshole!
Something goes wrong (or does it?) at Rekall, and Quaid finds out that ... hes a secret agent on a mission to Mars, where there are lots of alien artifacts and hes nailing a girl who isnt nearly as sexy as his wife. Before were done, people try to kill him, he uncovers a nefarious plot, saves the world, and gets the girl who isnt as sexy as his wife. Were not sure if hes dreamed the whole thing, but one thing is crystal clear: this guy is an asshole.
Awesomely Awesome Because: Throughout the whole film, were left to wonder if the whole thing is a dream or not, and there are an equal number of clues to support both conclusions. Anchored by reliable science fiction villains Ronny Cox (Robocop) and Michael Ironside (Scanners) its a great 70s-style science fiction thriller, right up until the third act, when the whole thing falls apart and becomes an intelligence-insulting action movie with science so bad, it couldnt even fool George W. Bush. If youre hoping for a faithful adaptation of Phillip K. Dicks classic We Can Remember it for You Wholesale as I was in 1990 youre going to be profoundly disappointed. But if youre willing to suspend all of your disbelief, youll be glad you got your ass to Mars.
Awesomely Awful Because: It won an academy award for its visual effects, but the miniatures, blue screens, and foam rubber puppets do not age (or convert to DVD) well. However, theyre not nearly as bad or distracting as the terrible atmospheric pseudoscience at the end of the film, or the 35 minutes of mind-numbing gun battles and action movie idiocy that precede it.
Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Convoluted display of Worlds Strongest Man-like feat of strength: Check. Uncomfortable romantic moment with a woman whos too young for him? You know thats going to be a nice big check.
Nolan says: That blond girl was kind of hot, but Im really disappointed he didnt have a single cigar.
McBain Ranking: 2 out of 10.
The 6th Day (2000)
Adam Gibson, a mild-mannered helicopter pilot and dedicated family man who has recently gotten a face lift, has been cloned without his knowledge. As if watching his clone smoke his cigars and bang his wife isnt bad enough, a whole bunch of other clones are trying to kill him. Also, there are clones.
Awesomely Awesome Because: The science fiction is great, the art direction is ultra cool, and who doesnt want to live in this future of virtual girlfriends, remote controlled helicopters, cloned pets, and an XFL that lasted more than one season? The supporting performances from Robert Duvall, Michael Rapapport, and especially Tony Goldwin are just outstanding.
Awesomely Awful Because: While there arent as many product placements as Demolition Man, the few we see are as obvious and distracting as those in Ghost Dad, but thats not the worst of it. The 6th Day had the potential to be a science fiction classic; it deals with some very serious ethical questions about how far well go to cure diseases, the rights of cloned humans, and what it even means to be human. But even with its great supporting cast, and solid, smart writing, it cant achieve escape velocity from Schwarzeneggers limited acting abilities and obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms. In fact, of all the roles he overwhelms in sci-fi movies, this is probably the most egregious example. Adam Gibson is supposed to be a talented but mild mannered helicopter pilot who loves his family, and still holds on to the good old days when clones only existed in bad movies. But by the end of the first act, Schwarzenegger has turned him into a gun-toting psychopath who doesnt think twice about killing anyone who gets in his way, and actually seems to enjoy it. And its simply unforgivable that we had an opportunity to finally watch him fight himself, but the whole thing ended after just one punch.
Obligatory Schwarzeneggerisms: Unnecessary biceps flexing? Check. Cigar-chomping? Check. Quoting of The Line from Terminator? Check. Sappy, forced, I learned something today moment? Check. Uncomfortable romantic moment with a woman whos too young for him? Check and mate.
Nolan Says: Ive actually seen this before. It does not improve upon a second viewing.
McBain Ranking: 4.5 out of 10.
Some of you may be wondering why Terminator 2 isn't on this list. Well, the truth is, I love Terminator 2, and I don't feel guilty about it at all.
Wil Wheaton will be back.
Schwarzenegger Bans Cell Phones, Not Hummers
Mark your calendars, Californians. Because as of July 2008, you will no longer be allowed to talk on your cell phone (without the use of an earbud or speakerphone) while driving. You can blame Schwarzenegger - he of the multiple Hummers, a different kind of nuisance to the road - and Sen. Joe Simitian (D-Palo Alto), who has been campaigning for a cell phone ban for five years.
At least now California motorists can go back to enjoying their breakfasts and putting on their makeup without the silly distraction of a handheld phone.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Less Educated Today Than Yesterday
In 2002, Imadec University presented Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger with an honorary doctorate in Business Administration, praising his "life achievements and the work he's done to promote Austria's economy." University President Christian Joksch sucked Arnolds dick a little harder by saying the actor is "a living example of what a person starting from nothing can achieve." Umm hmm, because blowing shit up in movies is just so fucking laudable.
Just a few years later, an Austrian court deemed Schwarzeneggers honorary degree invalid and completely useless.
The Austrian capital's Administrative Court ruled private educational establishments can only present degrees to students who have completed their studies.
Unfortunately, Schwarzenegger can still request we call him Doctor. He also received an honorary doctorate from the University of Wisconsin. Thanks, Wisconsin.
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