Santacon 2008
This time of year, if you're in the western world, you're gonna see a certain red dressed someone hanging around the malls getting his photo taken with children and pets, or maybe outside grocery stores ringing a bell. But you don't often see this jolly fellow hanging around bars and strips clubs unless you happen across Santacon.
Santacon is the pranksters response to Christmas, with a focus on lighthearted jolly obnoxiousness. It's been happening in various cities around the globe since the Cacophony Society first stepped out en mass in 1994. This past weekend, I joined the red tide in Los Angeles, where Santas met up in Echo Park on a beautiful Saturday morning. It was a picturesque day typical Los Angeles, 70 degrees and balmy with a breeze did I mention it was December? A wedding party was taking advantage of the weather, having their wedding photos taken in the park as the Santacon Santas gathered. Next thing we knew, Santas, tuxes and a turquoise wedding party were mugging for a sea of cameras. Who could pass up a photo op with 300 Santas?
Then the Midnight Ridazz, a cacophonous bicycle gang known for their late night bicycle rides, arrived in the park singing bawdy carols from megaphones on a myriad of tall bikes, tandems and variously altered street bikes. A few moments later 300 Santas marched around the lake and got into five school busses their destination was unknown.
The secrecy of the route is a tradition. It goes back to the original Atomic Cafes from early San Francisco Cacophony days, where a group of 30 to 50 participants would pile into the back of a panel truck to be dropped off at secret undisclosed (and often abandoned urban building) location. Part of the fun is not knowing where you're going, what might happen, and the element of surprise for both participants and the locals.
Santa's first stop was Sunset Junction, where we took over a liquor store and stopped traffic while drivers and locals honked and hollered. The motley assemblage of Santas eventually ended up at two local bars: the Moroccan styled 4100 Club and El Cid.
A packed bar takes on an entire new meaning when it's packed with Santas. At some point in Silverlake, a car full of clowns in full fluorescent make-up with protest signs bearing messages such as "Fuck Santa!", "Make Joy, Not Toys", and "Santa's Conform (boring)" showed up to give Santa a hard time, although there was supposedly a Santa/clown truce back in 2002.
Once the Santas were sufficiently jolly, a sleigh full of snow appeared just as L.A. gave us one of those typical sunsets and the sky was filled with white balls. It was Santa vs. Santa's Elf and Clown vs. Santa. Every Santa for himself. Complete snowball mayhem.
Next, Santas ran for the buses it was time for our next stop Hollywood. Make this picture in your mind's eye: five busses with waving Santa hands and arms surrounded by 50 bicyclists in a variety of holiday attire driving up Sunset Boulevard. You won't see that picture in a movie. That's real life.
Santa arrived at Hollywood & Highland just in time for the tree lighting ceremony. The local security was not particularly welcoming to the Santa massive, so many hung out on the sidewalk with the superheroes, singing carols and dancing with the musicians.
This is where this Santa's memory starts to fade and unravel. Six hours of drinking had taken a toll on my reality and there was a sea of red as I walked down Hollywood Blvd. to the next rendezvous point. I know we stopped by Jumbo's Clown Room (strip clubs are a Santacon tradition) but I can't remember the spectacle of the strip club crammed with cheap merrymakers drinking from their own flasks. I made it to the afterparty at BootieLA which I heard looked like a rave of Santas. And I found myself the next morning wrapped in my red Santa suit, covered with bruises. Yup, It was your typical Santacon.
Santa's Favorite Naughty Carols
* Deck my Balls
* Walking Round in Women's Underwear
* Sinful Wonderland
* Oh Horny Night
* Come All Ye Faithless
Images courtesy of Ilainie, Creative Commons licensed.
Heathervescent is a writer, technology consultant and agent of
cacophony. You can read more of her adventures at: www.heathervescent.com.
Christmas Is Fucked, Santa Shot Down Over Brazil
First of all, Merry Christmas. Even to you Jewish peeps, whom, I was told by Mel Gibson, killed Christ. (Not cool.) Anyway, Jesus is now irrelevant and this is Santas day. Or it was until he attempted to fly over Brazil.
Earlier this week, Santa Claus we shot down over Rio de Janeiro. No, I am not kidding.
Drug traffickers in a Rio slum opened fire on a helicopter carrying a Santa to a children's party, apparently mistaking it for a police helicopter.
Rio de Janeiro has quite a few slums that are controlled by gangs. Check out the movie City of God if you want to know what happened to Santa. Police dont even venture into the slums too often, and when they do, they go with full force, using helicopters and armored vehicles. They do not fly over in a bright red outfit. Ever!
Santa was not injured, but the helicopter was damaged and had to return to the base. Bullet holes were later found in the fuselage. He took a car to the kids party.
Merry Christmas, porn lovers.
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #21
It is Saturday. All over the world, horrible people wake up and fear their name appear in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. It has been this way for centuries and can be traced back to the time of Genghis Kahn, who it is said rose from his tent every morning and nervously checked the Interweb. He would then rise and scream, I am not an Asshole Fuckface! At least until the day that he was actually labeled an Asshole Fuckface. He then died of a broken heart. But enough of that sentimental bullshit, today I have dug up some amazing Asshole Fuckfacism. So, put on your plastic moo moos, this is going to get ugly.
First up, we head to the land of kangaroos and Asshole Fuckfaces.
Santas in Sydney have been told not to say, Ho ho ho. And the reasoning is wonderful.
Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women.
Who the fuck thought this up? How many women issues do you have to have to be an Asshole Fuckface who thinks that a woman would misinterpret Santas classic catch phrase for an incredibly derogatory term? But at least the company who provides the Santas has come up with a good solution.
Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead.
That makes me want to punch myself in my Santas. But, hey, at least they didnt go with, Twat, twat, twat.
Of course a US firm employs the Santas. Sorry to get you involved in our insane War on Christmas Australia, but at least youll get a mention from Bill OReilly.
Next up we head to the cold, vampire soaked land of Alaska for a little Asshole Fuckface intrusion.
You can always count on PETA to make total asses out of themselves. This time they have decided to take on Alaska and their horrific eating habits. Yep, they dont want Alaskans to eat
fish.
Anyone who eats fish supports cruelty to animals. Fish and other sea animals undergo excruciating decompression when they are pulled from the water. The survivors are then slowly suffocated, starved, hacked apart while still conscious or crushed by the weight of other animals.
Seriously, this is like asking Ron Jeremy to not eat pussy. Did that get weird? Sorry.
PETA made a strong case against fish eating by traveling to Alaska with a fish empathy quilt. Congrats PETA, because nothing says empathy more than a fish quilt. I cant imagine how many Alaskans took a look at that quilt and said, Hey, I should give up centuries of tradition and eat more things that do not exist in this frozen wasteland.
The state's fishing industry says they will not even warrant the demonstration with a response.
I will: You are Asshole Fuckfaces, PETA. I think there are some bigger fish to fry that what is happening in Alaska. (I am not proud of what happened there)
Next we move to Canada for some Mountie Asshole Fuckfacery.
This one is quite disturbing. In October, a 40-year-old Polish man flew to Canada, where he was going to live with his mother. Robert Dziekanski was not much of a traveler and rarely left his hometown Pieszyce, Poland. On this trip he would never make it out of the Vancouver airport.
Canadian authorities reported that they had to subdue a belligerent man with tasers, which led to his death.
Sgt. Lemaitre told CBC Television that police arrived and, despite efforts to calm him, were met aggressively and confrontationally by Mr. Dziekanski. The officers were using gestures saying, you know, relax, relax, put your hands on the desk there where the computer was taken; to no avail, [he was] still throwing things around, said Sgt. Lemaitre.
He gave a similar account to the Vancouver Sun: The officers tried to speak to him, tried to calm him down, but he continued to throw things around and yell and scream. The police spokesman also told a CTV reporter that he was pounding on the windows behind us, he was throwing chairs.
Wouldnt that be great if it was true? Well, not great, but you know what I mean. What actually occurred was a bit different. A mix up at the airport left Dziekanski waiting for 10 hours in a secure area. After waiting for him for hours and not receiving any help from immigration officials, his mother left. Apparently no one noticed he was waiting in the secure area, so he started to throw a tantrum. He threw a couple of chairs and a computer. Dude was pissed and rightfully so. He went a bit overboard, but who cant understand his plight? Dziekanski cant communicate with language and he has never traveled to another country. Now he is being held in a pen for 10 hours. Might as well start throwing shit.
What to do now? Youre an international airport employee, maybe you should have a phone list with interpreters on it. Instead, police were called.
This is where the police story and the real story differ quite a bit. Turns out someone video taped the entire episode. When the police arrive, Dziekanski turns around and puts his hands above his head. The Mounties respond by shooting him with a Taser gun. They took all of 24 seconds to make that decision. 10 hours of built up frustration vs. 24 seconds. Nice work boys. Two minutes later and a few more tasers Dziekanski was dead.
The video was just released. Here it is, if you are interested in watching a man needlessly die.
Well that was a bummer, so how about I cheer you up with some good, old-fashioned Asshole Fuckface southern racism?
A white Louisiana state representative thought it would be a good idea to drop a little racism just a week before an election. Democrat Carla Blanchard Dartez had a conversation with a 75-year-old civil rights veteran that did not end well.
Rep. Carla Blanchard Dartez acknowledged that she ended a Thursday night conversation with Hazel Boykin by saying, "Talk to you later, Buckwheat."
Oops. Boykin was active in the 1960s, helping to desegregate restaurants and schools. Her son is president of the Terrebonne Parish chapter of the NAACP. And she did not enjoy being called Buckwheat.
I've never had no one talk to me that way and I considered it a racial slur. I know the meaning of it, it's just like the N-word.
Well, maybe there was some sort of argument or something.
Dartez had been thanking Boykin for driving voters to the polls.
Oh. I have to say that is not a good way to thank someone. Dartez apologized and said she did not mean to offend Boykin. She has not dropped out of the race, which is being held today! Yay for Asshole Fuckfacery!
Next up, we travel to the bizarre and crazy world of Kentucky for some classic Asshole Fuckface behavior.
On November 5th, homemaker Linda Long was enjoying a church service in London, Kentucky by holding a rattlesnake. Linda was apparently full of evil or some shit because the yellow timber rattler bit her on the right cheek. That is actually the main reason you should not hold them in your hands.
Long was taken to Marymount Medical Center for treatment of the wound that God inflicted upon her for being impure. Long died and now her family is suing the hospital. We should definitely believe the family over the hospital, because they hold deadly vipers for God.
A nurse met Long and those with her in the parking area outside the emergency room. Rather than take Long in right away, the nurse engaged Long and her family "in a lengthy and time-consuming series of questions" that went far beyond getting information needed to treat the snakebite, the lawsuit states.
Uh huh. I realize you guys maybe dont know anything because you just read the one book, but medical personnel have to ask many questions that you, being a snake holding retard, might view as unimportant, but may actually end up saving a life. In this case it didn't, because your daughter was bit in the face by a lethal snake she was waving around in front her head.
The family also claims that hospital employees made fun of them.
Hospital employees gave her a portable, oscillating fan as they allegedly "snickered and made derogatory comments" to employees -- and Long's family -- about the religious beliefs and circumstances under which she was bitten.
Well, fuck yes. She held a deadly viper in her hands in an attempt to prove that God thought she was nifty. God said, Nope. Or at least that is what your lunatic religion believes. In reality, she was betting she was immune to the forces of nature and nature ate her cheek.
When the helicopter arrived 12 minutes later, the crew asked the doctor to put in a tube to help Long breathe, but the doctor said her airway was not the problem and told the flight crew to get her to Lexington quickly, the suit says.
Im going to go ahead and guess the doctor went to medical school and you just read the one book. Also, you guys hold snakes, so shut the fuck up.
Long's heart stopped on the way. She was pronounced dead at 10:50 p.m. at the University of Kentucky Medical Center.
First of all, God hated her. Second, her heart stopped. She didnt die from a lack of oxygen. She died because SHE HELD A FUCKING POISONIOUS SNAKE NEAR HER HEAD.
The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages for Linda Long's suffering, loss of ability to earn money and wrongful death; and for Gary Wayne Long's loss of his wife, as well as for punitive damages.
Well, if they win, maybe the Asshole Fuckfaces can get enough snakes to fill a pool and go rattler diving.
And finally, a special shout out to Asshole Fuckface favorites Fox News.
Look, Nancy Pelosi is responsible for gas prices! What a horrible woman!
Congrats to all of this weeks winners. You are fantastic Asshole Fuckfaces and you will each receive a FearTheReaper lack of empathy quilt.
British Teachers Systematically Kill Off Santa
The UK has been hit with a rash of teachers telling 9 and 10 year-olds that Santa doesn't exist. When you steal Christmas from the children you're stealing Christmas from all of us.
Last month, teacher Jane Woodley viciously told the children of Calcot Junior School that Father Christmas wasn't really some jolly old fat philanthropist who sets up shop up north somewhere. She told them while she was educating them on the holiday practices of other religions such as the Muslim holiday of Eid. Woodley a teacher of 28 years should know better than to think a 9 year old might have figure it out by then.
[the students'] angry parents say Mrs Woodley, who has taught for 28 years, has "ruined" Christmas.
Now, as children adjust to a world without love and magic, they will also be forced to adjust to a new curriculum, one where a teacher tells them no secrets about the world and confusion and ignorance can continue unabated because it's so cute.
A governor at the school, who did not want to be named, said: "It's not just Father Christmas that's the problem. We also have issues with things like the Tooth Fairy. From now on when a child asks a teacher if Father Christmas exists the teacher should say: 'I'm not sure. Go home and ask your parents'."
Calcot was only the first in a string of such incidents. Boldmere Junior School is also wheeling from 9 and 10 year-olds finding out about stuff they're more than old enough to know about already. This time, Boldmere didn't take the death of Christmas lying down with some nancy curriculum changes, they fired the goblin posing as a teacher.
A PRIMARY school sacked a woman teacher for telling heartbroken nine-year-olds there is no Father Christmas.
Parents were furious when tearful youngsters went home saying they had also been taught elves and fairies did not exist either.
Christmas is one thing but elves and fairies too? The teacher was stopped so the children could make it to adolescence before finding out the truth about unicorns and calmly assured the little ones that the Lord of the Rings was based on a true story.
Ladysmith Junior School was the most recent victim of this casual heartlessness. This case was the most horrifying, putting the 9 and 10 year-olds to work asking them to reply to Santa letters written by younger kids I always wondered why Santa's handwriting sucked. The irony must have tasted sweet for the teacher before parents made the school apologise.
A school has been forced to apologize after a class of nine and ten-year-olds were told that Father Christmas doesn't exist. Children at Ladysmith Junior School, Exeter, were set the task of writing a Christmas letter, but the worksheets they were given said: "Many small children believe in Santa", going on to reveal that his letters were actually handled by an official at the Post Office. To make things worse, the teacher then asked the children to compose a reply to one of the "small children" in question explaining why a request for presents was being turned down.
I think we should preempt this situation. We need to agree on an age to tell our children when Santa was really just a ploy to make them act nice rather than like total "brats." Plus, my Dad said the look on my face was priceless. I know that when the day comes to tell my kids, I'm gonna have a camera ready. I'll keep it hidden, candid is always better.
Santa Stamp Takes a Crap on Christmas
It pains me to say, but the spirit of Christmas got shat on this month in the UK.
When the Royal Mail unveiled this year's line of festive stamps, the Church of England quickly reproached the government's postage service for not including any Christian themes in the holiday collection. However, other less religious critics are raising eyebrows over the implications of the artwork in the the new First-Class Christmas stamps.
The illustration appears to be Santa defecating down the chimney of some particularly bad children.
Judge for yourself:
It appears that Father Christmas is delivering more than holiday gifts and cheer to the house he is sitting atop...unfortunately it appears that he is taking a rather conspicuous dump.
In the UK's Mirror, the same sentiments are expressed with a little more subtlety.
But is Santa really doing what he seems to be doing on the new first-class Christmas stamp?
that's a
a bit like Santa's sneaky rooftop stopover.