Asshole Fuckface Roundup #73
Asshole Fuckfacing is upon us! Thrusting and pounding on our precious innocence every single day! We must cleanse ourselves with a thorough reading and understanding of their actions. Then, we must heap scorn and ridicule upon them! That is what the baby Jesus would have wanted. Trust me, he totally would have. Also, that John Smith guy would have been down with it, too. As would all of his wives. I have scoured the Earth to bring you the worst Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet. Hold on to your burlap sacks, because this is going to be ugly.
First up, an Asshole Fuckface shows off for his wanna be lady.
Meet Anthony Zitnick. Hes a 21-year-old who is doing what he can to impress 16-year-old girls. Back where I was from, that was considered to be some serious loser behavior. But I dont want to judge people from Florida for trying to bang underage girls, because it is an awesome state.
Back in 2005, Zitnick did a little yard work for a gentleman named Alan Rigerman, after Hurricane Wilma. Rigerman gave Zitnick a key. Oh, and Rigerman legally keeps two cougars and several snakes, tortoises and alligators at his home.
Uh oh. Cougars, a 21-year-old has been and the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. This isnt going to go well.
Yeah, Zitnick decided to show off. He took the 16-year-old girl to Rigermans house. Enter cougar stage right.
Richard Miralles, a neighbor familiar with Rigerman's large cats, heard the girl's piercing scream from next door.
'I heard her scream, `I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die,' '' he said, hours after paramedics had left.
Miralles said he immediately dropped what he was doing, jumped his six-foot fence, and barged into Rigerman's back room -- only to find the girl pinned beneath Chaos, her head in his mouth and his large declawed paw on her face. Zitnick was standing nearby in shock, Miralles said.
Seriously, thanks for helping out, Zit. I know, its totally shocking that the cougar is attacking the walking meat sack you brought by. Please, dont move.
At first, Miralles said, he tried to push Chaos off, but he wouldn't budge. He then resorted to punching and kicking the cougar, which quickly balled up in a corner, he said.
Miralles then picked up the girl, who was bleeding profusely from her head and thigh, and ran outside to wait for an ambulance.
Oh, man. It's like the classic movie moment, where the nerd brings a girl to meet a cougar, the cougar bites and starts eating her head and then the jock saves the day.
The girl was released from the hospital after being treated for injuries sustained in a kitchen cougar attack.
Doctors repaired a large gash in the back of her neck suffered when the animal clenched its jaws around the girl's head.
Neighbors said paramedics also treated Zitnick, who was in shock after Chaos, a 150-pound male cougar, attacked the girl he brought inside the home.
Hopefully they treated him with a kick to the balls.
Next up, English Asshole Fuckfaces shouldnt be on juries.
Last July, Jane McKenna, 33, and her husband invited another couple over for a barbeque. At some point the other couple had an argument and the woman went home, leaving Jason Jeal, 37, to sleep on the McKennas couch. Then everyone went to bed.
Mrs. McKenna fell asleep in the same room as her nine-year-old daughter after trying to settle her. Some time later Mrs. McKenna, a deep sleeper, was woken by her daughter who had noticed Mr. Jeal's body hovering above her mother, and was then horrified to realize the assault was taking place.
Yes. Dude was raping mom while she was in her 9-year-olds bed. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault. His DNA was found on Mrs. McKenna. So, he went with the obvious defense any of us would use: I was asleep when I raped you.
And it worked.
Jason Jeal, a 37-year-old roofer with no medical history of sleepwalking, admitted sex had taken place. But he was cleared of rape after he insisted he had been asleep and had no idea what he was doing.
Man, that first time sleepwalking is a bitch. You get in all kinds of mischief!
Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, a defendant is guilty of rape if an attack is intentional.
In the case of Jason Jeal, the jury were left to decide whether they believed his argument that he could not remember what he did because he was apparently asleep.
Their not guilty verdict indicates that the jury agreed he was sleepwalking -- or at least could not agree 'beyond reasonable doubt' that he was not.
As a result, he could not be held accountable for his actions and the attack was not intentional.
A jury of complete and total Asshole Fuckfaces. "Sorry, I was asleep," is now officially an excuse for rape.
Next up, the ultimate Asshole Fuckface opens his yap.
Karl Rove is by far one of the worst human beings alive. This week he wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal, in which he gave advice to Barack Obama.
There is also a thorny local controversy. Should the new president replace U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, who prosecuted Mr. Obama's fund-raising patron, Tony Rezko, and is investigating high-profile Democrats?
Um. Wait. re you actually giving Obama advice on politicizing the Department of Justice? You? The guy who instigated the political imprisonment of the former governor of Alabama. The guy who oversaw the firing of US Attorneys because they wouldnt conduct fraudulent political prosecutions? Oh, and thanks for bringing up the name of the guy who investigated you but couldnt prosecute because the administration engaged in lying and obstruction of justice.
The ironic hubris is astounding. But you will always look like that, so I consider it a win.
Finally, an Asshole Fuckface knows whom to blame for the California fires.
You can always count on some religious lunatic to make a connection that would cause Jesus to vomit. This week it was James Hartline of the James Hartline Report. Jimmy took a look at the fires in California and right away knew the cause: Gays. Seriously, what else could it be?
God keeps trying to get their attention. They, for their part, are shouting so loud for the acceptance of homosexuality, that they cannot hear the thunderous warnings of God: "Repent! For the judgment comes soon!"
Each time homosexual activists attempt to force their agenda on California, there have been raging, massive, incinerating fires sweeping across the California landscape.
Today, people are running for their lives as 800 California homes have burned down and the firestorm is spreading like a nuclear holocaust. Yet, the radical homosexual anarchists rampage upon the streets of this state demanding the destruction of marriage and family, and the establishment of their socialistic dark vision for society.
See, God hates the gay agenda. That's why San Francisco is always engulfed by hell fires. Seriously, it's like gay blow torch up in that bitch.
You see, the problem is this: God has plans for California in the near days ahead. Thus, these attempts to force an ungodly tyranny on this state are being met blow with blow by God. God is saying, "California shall be a refuge for America when the catastrophes come. California belongs to Me, not the advocates of sexual anarchy."
Advocates of Sexual Anarchy are a great band. I think. Honestly, I dont know what he is talking about. It sounds like a band, though, right?
The Prophet Amos declared in the Bible:
I have overthrown some of you, as God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah, and ye were as a firebrand plucked out of the burning: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD."
Massachusetts. Seriously. Huge hole in your gay fire theory.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Who Will Bush Pardon?
The Bush presidency is in its waning days - an administration marked by scandals ranging from the firing of US attorneys for political reasons, the Plame fiasco that resulted in the conviction of Scooter Libby, to the Abramoff lobbying disaster that took down former GSA chief of staff Safavian among others.
Now that senator Ted Stevens (R, Alaska) has been convicted of seven felonies and is embroiled in a close race headed for a recount, the question arises - who will the president pardon?
Bush has been relatively parsimonious in exercising the vaunted presidential prerogative to absolve convicted criminals of their sins under the law, issuing only 157 pardons and six commutations of sentences during nearly eight years in office. And the pardons Bush has made have come only after defendants served their full terms, a move that frequently amounts to granting them the power to vote and bear firearms.
In contrast to Clinton issuing 140 pardons on his last day:
... famously forgiving Mark Rich, the husband of a major contributor to his library, as well as friend and former business associate Susan McDougal, former House Ways and Means Chairman Dan Rostenkowski (D-Ill.), and his own brother Roger, who had served time on drug charges.
If Bush decides to roll out the pardons, possible candidates include Stevens, Scooter Libby (whose sentence he commuted but conviction and hefty fine left intact), Safavian, Claude Allen (of Target shoplifting fame), and others.
He might also preemptively pardon anyone involved in Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, and the DOJ scandal (Miers, Rove) who might be convicted in the future, as Ford did with Nixon.
Bush's actions will put a finishing touch on the legacy of his presidency, so it will be interesting to see if he goes out in an uproar of controversy like Clinton did, or chooses to maintain his relatively moderate line of pardons so far.
Karl Rove Overdoses On His Own Kool-Aid
Today is the day that Washington finally flushes a turd that's been stinking America up for years. Yes, Karl Rove is leaving the White House and today he celebrated by gazing into his crystal ball and writing an opinion in the National Review about how history will view Bush. It's probably the single most detached-from-reality piece of work I've ever read. It's existence scientifically proves the existence of other dimensions, this one written from a far away realm named the "Bush White House". Karl has only been funnier while rapping. Of Bush and his policies, Rove writes:
America, he said, will not wait until dangers fully materialize with attacks on our homeland before confronting those threats.
More "Iraq attacked us". Classic!
The president gave the nation new tools to defeat terrorism abroad and protect our citizens at home with the Patriot Act, foreign surveillance that works in the wireless age, a transformed intelligence community, and the Department of Homeland Security.
Karl, what about the domestic spying programs? Aren't you proud of those? He busted my gut with this one:
And this president saw the wisdom of removing terrorisms cause by advocating the spread of democracy, especially in the Muslim world, where authoritarianism and repression have provided a potent growth medium for despair and anger aimed at the West. He recognized that democracy there makes us safer here.
As with everything else in Turd Blossom's love letter, nothing could be further from the truth. Democracy for Iraq, is far from assured:
The National Intelligence Estimate, released on Thursday, casts doubts on the viability of the Bush Administration strategy in Iraq. It gives a dim prognosis on the likelihood that Iraqi politicians can heal sectarian rifts before March, when US military commanders have said that a crunch on available troops will require a reduction in the US presence in Iraq.
Bush's brain would rather focus on the positive:
President Bush will be seen as a compassionate leader who used Americas power for good. While the world dithered, America confronted HIV/AIDS in Africa with the Presidents Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief, which has supported treatment for more than 1.1 million people worldwide, over one million of them in Africa.
Karl didn't mention that much of the money spent by the US is for abstinence programs that don't work. Or worse, put more lives in jeopardy.
Nobody can be wrong all the time and Karl is 100% correct when he states:
The outcome in Iraq and Afghanistan will color how history views the president.
Ain't that the truth...but don't forget New Orleans!
History demands much of America and its leaders and I am confident it will judge the 43rd president as a man more than worthy of the great office the American people twice entrusted to him.
Arguably, he wasn't elected even once. Even republicans have had enough of Bush. A Former Reagan official has a slightly different take on Bush. Paul Craig Roberts writes:
Bush has discarded habeas corpus and the Geneva Conventions, justified torture and secret trials, damned critics as anti-American, and is responsible, according to Information Clearing House, for over one million deaths of Iraqi civilians, which puts Bush high on the list of mass murderers of all time.
HOOFAH!...to be fair, I'm not sure if Roberts is still a republican after years of Bush. Roberts lays it on:
"The war criminal is in the living room, and no official notice is taken of the fact," Roberts writes. "Lacking US troops with which to invade Iran, the Bush administration has decided to bomb Iran 'back into the stone age.'"
Oh yeah, Iran. One of the more interesting ideas floating around Rove's resignation is that he was actually an internal administration voice that was against air strikes on Iran. After losing that struggle with Darth Cheney, it was time for Karl to "spend more time with the family". (Incidentally, in this supposed scenario Tony Snow decided he didn't want to deal with the questions of bombing Iran, so he retired to make more money to fight his cancer.) Interesting indictment of the American health care system, no? The President's very own mouth piece can't afford to work for him, live comfortably and fight his cancer.
Unfortunately, we're cursed to live through interesting times. Worse still, dissent has been practically equated with treason. Say what you will of Karl Rove -- nobody can ever make the case he's not a bright guy. I think he's pulling a "Costanza" leaving on a "high note" (If only). Adios, Turd Blossom. You will not be missed.
Bill Moyers puts a nice bow on the end of the Rove era:
FTR was sick with the flu today, so it fell to Gerry to send Karl on his way.
2007 Constitutional Showdown!
The US attorneys purge scandal has been heating up for a while and now things are finally starting to get exciting. Today, the House Judiciary subcommittee on commercial and administrative law voted to subpoena Karl Rove, Harriet Miers and Attorney General Gonzales chief of staff, Kyle Sampson for their role in the firing of eight federal prosecutors. They will be asked to testify under oath about their actions.
The under oath part is what the White House is worried about. The administration is attempting to paint the scandal as a partisan attack, but their constant changing of reasons for the firings does little to help their argument. Yesterday, Bush offered a compromise: His aides would come to meet with Congress, behind closed doors and not under oath. Thats a really super compromise when you are being accused of criminal activity. He only pissed off Democratic and some Republican members of Congress. Next the Senate will vote for subpoenas.
The White House has strongly indicated they will claim executive privilege and not allow aides to testify.
Bush said Tuesday he worried that allowing testimony under oath would set a precedent on the separation of powers that would harm the presidency as an institution.
Uh huh. Well, Im not going to argue that, instead, Ill let White House Spokesman Tony Snow argue it for me. From the Chicago Tribune ten years ago, when Snow was upset that Clinton might not let his aides testify:
"Evidently, Mr. Clinton wants to shield virtually any communications that take place within the White House compound on the theory that all such talk contributes in some way, shape or form to the continuing success and harmony of an administration. Taken to its logical extreme, that position would make it impossible for citizens to hold a chief executive accountable for anything. He would have a constitutional right to cover up.
"One gets the impression that Team Clinton values its survival more than most people want justice and thus will delay without qualm. But as the clock ticks, the public's faith in Mr. Clinton will ebb away for a simple reason: Most of us want no part of a president who is cynical enough to use the majesty of his office to evade the one thing he is sworn to uphold the rule of law.''
Youre a good boy, Tony, thanks. The subpoena question will most likely go all the way to the Supreme Court, where the majority of justices are Republicans. But the Court has already been injured by their actions in the recount decision of 2000. The justices are supposed to be above partisan politics and the recount decision was along party lines. The Supreme Court lost credibility in the eyes of many Americans. Will it self-inflict more damage to save an unpopular president?
Before any ruling the subpoena fight will be in the media and Bush will lose. The incredibly unpopular administration is already known for lying and if it chooses to fight a battle over whether or not aides should swear under oath, which is just telling the truth, it will lose. Editorials are already popping up.
If Karl Rove plans to tell the truth, he has nothing to fear from being under oath like any other witness."
I dont want to have to tell the truth is not a good defense, but it is what the White House is going with. We can feel good about one thing during all this madness, Bush feels really bad for the folks who were unjustly fired under his watch.
Im sorry this, frankly, has bubbled to the surface the way it has, for the U.S. attorneys involved. I really am. These are I put them in there in the first place; theyre decent people. They serve at our pleasure. And yet, now theyre being held up into the scrutiny of all this, and its just what I said in my comments, I meant about them. I appreciated their service, and Im sorry that the situation has gotten to where its got. But thats Washington, D.C. for you. You know, theres a lot of politics in this town.
Oversights a bitch, huh? Welcome to America, Mr. President.
Dear Mr. Cheney, Prepare For Your Ass To Be Torn Up
Those confused conservatives who seem to think that no crime was committed because the special prosecutor was lied to and obstructed are in for a big surprise. Not only will the Joseph Wilson and Valerie Plame civil trial begin in May but now House Oversight Committee Chairman Henry Waxman has announced that he will hold a hearing on March 16 to determine whether "White House officials followed appropriate procedures for safeguarding" Plame's identity.
Based on the information that has come out during the Libby trial, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove look to be on the hot seat. Fitzgerald knew right off the bat that proving the White House divulged the identity of a covert CIA officer would be difficult. He opted to go after narrow criminal charges instead of prosecuting under the untested Intelligence Identities Protection Act of 1982. The crime fell under the IPA but it had been enacted with the goal of punishing CIA enemies who outed covert agents as a means to sabotage US intelligence activities. When Congress wrote the law it never anticipated that senior US government officials would divulge the identity of a covert CIA officer as a way to discredit a spouse.
Fitzgerald certainly could have used the law to build a conspiracy case against Cheney, Karl Rove, Deputy Secretary of State Armitage and conceivably Bush himself. But he would have come up against a ferocious political counterattack and legal obstacles. One such obstacle would have been whether or not the constitution gave the President the authority to declassify information and whether that power could be delegated to the Vice President. If Libby, Rove and Armitage were operating under instructions from Cheney and Bush, would that then make their actions legal? Could the White House throw a wrench into the case by claiming necessary documents could not be released because of national security concerns? These two obstacles alone could hold up the case for years.
What we do know is that in his court filings, Fitzgerald asserted that the White House had engaged in a concerted effort to discredit, punish or seek revenge against Wilson because of his criticism of the administration. Denis Collins, a Libby juror, said
"It was said a number of times, 'What are we doing with this guy here? Where's [Karl] Rove ... where are these other guys?'
Were not saying that we didnt think Mr. Libby was guilty of the things we found him guilty of. But it seemed like he was ... the fall guy.
Certainly the CIA is not done. The outing of Valerie Plame was incredibly destructive. She was an undercover officer categorized as a non-combat official cover. NOCs operate in great danger outside of the protection of US embassies and the CIA is known to zealously protect their cover. Plames outing ended her CIA career, exposed her CIA front company Brewster Jennings and put the lives of her overseas contacts in jeopardy. The CIA allowed the court case to run its course and now that it has ended whoever believes the agency is finished getting justice is an idiot. The agency will do everything it can to aid anyone going after Bush and company.
Cheney and Rove look very dirty in this mess. There is a reason legitimate newspapers, like the Washington Post, suddenly started mentioning a possible Cheney resignation today. Cheneys notes indicate he knew Plame was working for the CIA on Weapons of Mass Destruction. He sent Libby out to do the dirty work, he is Libbys boss and to think Libby acted alone is foolish.
Proving something in a court of law is one thing, proving in the court of public opinion is another. Today Waxman invited Patrick Fitzgerald to be a witness for his investigation.
"To discuss the possibility of testifying before the committee and other means by which you can inform the committee about your views and the insights you obtained during the course of your investigation."
Couple this with the Plame/Wilson civil suit and we will be hearing a lot more about the CIA leak for quite a while. Plame claims the administration violated her constitutional rights by leaking her identity and she is demanding compensation. Fitzgeralds office was very secretive but dont expect the same from the civil proceedings. The case still could be thrown out on grounds that the responsible parties are immune because they were acting the interest of the government, not punitively. But that would make me sad, so Im going to pretend like its not a possibility.
Rove Mad at the Founding Fathers Set Up
Karl Rove is apparently yearning for a government more like Mussolinis and let loose with some harsh words for journalists on Saturday. Wanna be fascist Rove criticized journalists, saying they play a corrosive role in politics. He claims journalists want to draw attention away from their own role in government.
Some decry the professional role of politics, they would like to see it disappear. Some argue political professionals are ruining American politics -- trapping candidates in daily competition for the news cycle instead of long-term strategic thinking in the best interest of the country.
What a horrible argument, Karl. How do you survive the day with these people nipping at your heels?
It's odd to me that most of these critics are journalists and columnists. Perhaps they don't like sharing the field of play. Perhaps they want to draw attention away from the corrosive role their coverage has played focusing attention on process and not substance.
I cannot think of a man more worthy of criticizing focusing the attention on process and not substance than Karl Rove. When fighting for his boy in the 2000 South Carolina primary, Rove made sure the focus was on substance by creating a whispering campaign about McCains mental health, his wife's admitted battle with a dependency on prescription drugs and whether he had fathered a black child out of wedlock.
He also loaded Republican operatives from Washington, D.C., onto a bus and sent them to Florida in 2000, where they played the part of "angry Florida mob" shouting and intimidating the bureaucrats who had the unenviable job of evaluating the ballots.
God damn corrosive journalists.
Your Turn, Republicans
Tomorrow Valerie Plame Wilson, Ambassador Joseph Wilson and their lawyer will hold a news conference where they will announce the filing of a civil lawsuit against I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice-President Richard Cheney and Karl Rove.
Now Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Scooter Libby will be forced to sit through a deposition just as Bill Clinton did when he was president. Many other White House employees, like President George W. Bush, may also have to endure hours of questioning at the hands of lawyers. Just think of all the questions they will be asked.
Just as with those who were employed by the White House during the Clinton years, the financial burden will be heavy. Clintons bill alone was over six million dollars. Maggie Williams, who served as the first lady's chief of staff, ran up fees in excess of six figures. Other aides were forced to pay attorneys over one hundred thousand dollars. The Secret Service members who were called in to testify racked up bills of thirty thousand dollars.
Secretaries, drivers, assistants, every single person working on Air Force One the day the Wilson memo was passed around, every person who worked for the president, Karl Rove, or the vice president will be brought in for depositions. All will have an attorney by their side and that lawyer will cost them money. Its a bad day to be an intern in the Vice Presidents office.