Yes, the King. What'd you do when your spouse started sleeping around? (Shit, you knew about that, right?) Make a threatening phone call? Flatten a few car tires? Cry? Cry, wipe your tear-stained eyes, then claim you "weren't crying"? Yeah, have a seat, this guy's beaten you nine different ways.

Bloody cow's head. In the mail. (Do you spring for the insurance on something like that?) I think we agree; a gesture that cannot be ignored.

Two ways to go with a grand gesture, here. The more commonly reported on, as seen in romantic comedies option, intended to woo back your gone astray lover, dozen roses, skywriting, perhaps donning a suit of armor and getting onto a white horse, sort of a "What Would Hugh Grant Do?" scenario...

Then, there's option two. The one where you eliminate reconciliation as an option and concentrate on committing terrifying, possibly criminal acts, intended to scare the shit-balls out of the guy banging yer ex. I don't think I'm giving anything away by telling you that our guy opted for choice two.

I would love to have been a fly on the severed, bloody cowhead when this decision was made.

"Hmmm gotta do something... but what?? Get over it? Nah... can't do that... I'll mail some sort of decapitated animal head to him! But what? Mouse? Nah too understated... Lion? Well, that's a bit much, I mean I don't hate the guy... Horse is too Godfather... Rhino's too pricey..."

I don't know what your job is, dear reader, but I'd bet close to my entire fortune that that's not something you'll ever get to say at your job. In fact, I'm not sure anyone's ever uttered that phrase before now, period.

Picture the day he got that assignment, shuffling through, uh, lawyer papers stacked on his desk.

"Hmmm whattaya think we got today, DUI... murder... armed robbery, man mailed cow head to some dude... robbery... jaywal-"

You know he did the "takes off glasses, rubs eyes, double-take" thing here.

I picture the accused just shrugging with a shit-eating grin a mile wide. What else can you do, after you've been caught mailing a cow head to the guy sleeping with yer lady? I'm guessing you've got no choice but to just... sit there and smile the shit out of the place. It's what any one of us would do.

To puncture or not to puncture, the severed cow's head? Tough call. I'd advise you to stop thinking about it right now, though. Like the aforementioned "quote," it's unlikely this is something you'll come up against in your lifetime. Or your kid's lifetime.

I'm saying you could discover the fountain of youth tomorrow, live 'till the year 3037, and as the Sun is crashing into the Earth, in your last moments, right before you deactivate your holo-pants, you'll say to yourself, "Oh yeah, TCK was right, that never really came up..."

BUTCHER: You know, they sell decorative skulls online? And they're de-meated. Or you can get replicas...

KING OF JILTED LOVERS: Uh, I'm cool...

BUTCHER: (suspicious) I notice you're not wearing much silver or turquoise... No dreamcatcher keychain... You sure you're into southwestern stuff?

KOJL: I... left my fringe vest in the car!

BUTCHER: Well, why didn't you say so! Have a nice day!

Still not impressed? Think he's merely some dumbass with a flair for the gory?

That's right... and that's why he's the King of the Jilted Lovers.

To re-cap, homewrecker gets cow head, jilted guy with a dream gets his wife back.



TheCoolerKing does not recommend you take similar actions to regain your lost love. This story is to be used for comedic purposes only. Please consult your local laws before mailing any "dead animal body parts."

What will you be doing for your Lover this St. Valentine's Day?

If you're even slightly rebellious, like me, you'll be wanting to boycott all the modern commercialism surrounding this date. However, this hasn't stopped me from noticing just how ridiculous some of the "gifts" have gotten in recent years. I think 2007 might be the worst in history.

The absolute hideousness of this year's gifts first caught my eye less than a day into the new year. I was at Shopper's Drug Mart in Vancouver and I spotted these frankly terrifying plush toys:


- There was also a female version of this lip-smacking heart.




- monkey love? I think not.

Granted, I was in Shopper's Drug Mart, which isn't exactly known for its classy wares. Still, back in Scotland I continued to keep an eye out for similar atrocities. It's really quite remarkable how little taste the western world can have.



- I saw this cake in my local bakery. Can you spot the Trade Mark on the printed decal?


- The display in Ann Summers (the local High Street "Sex Shop"


- A 3 Inch trophy! Just for me?! Reduced to 99p how could you resist?


- This is the most disgusting "Love" card display I have seen in my life. Overdone? Yes. Fire the Clinton Cards' staff!


- Believe it or not I found this in Marks and Spencer. M&S is supposed to be one of the classiest High Street stores around. Apparently not when it comes to February 14th. Oh, and this bottle opener does indeed play a wolf whistle recording when used; I tested it and attracted much attention.


- This was also in M&S. All you have to do is hold hands with your lover, touch the contacts on the back and you'll find out if your relationship was meant to be!


- Then there's the nice "big" reductions on the stuff you probably wouldn't normally buy, anyway. This particular discount is available at H. Samuel the jewellers. I had my ears pierced there when I was ten years old. It's still the tackiest jewellery store in Britain.

Two years ago I first started noticing the "anti" Valentine's marketing. Make no mistakes, you don't have to be in love to make the most of the celebrations. This was the best example of such ad campaigns for this year:



So what can you do to avoid making a complete fool of yourself this February 14th? Here are my tips, take them or leave them:

#1. Stay away from anything that has been specifically produced for this occasion.

#2. Be Original. If you're doing something for your special woman don't succumb to the back-up plan of flowers, chocolates and dinner. If you're doing something for your man whatever you do don't buy him underwear. Grandma, much?

#3. Get Creative! Make your own card (or postcard), bake a love cake or cookies, paint something or simply surprise your loved one to a handwritten love-scenario. It doesn't matter if you're not the most artistic person. even if it looks like something made by a blind five year old it will still be unique and most importantly, special.

#4. If you absolutely must resort to buying a gift then this is my suggestion:

Get the Lonely Planet guide to Experimental Travel. Once you have it in your hands tuck inside a ticket for a trip away somewhere. It doesn't matter if you're completely broke, a short train journey, flight or road trip will do. If you're absolutely strapped for cash, a map of your home town.

Finally let me reiterate: If you would not buy that wonderful gift on February 15th then don't buy it at all.

Valentine’s Day is next week and everyone’s gearing up to celebrate the life of a Catholic saint (who no one knows much about other than that he was probably beheaded by the Romans) by giving each other candy. In Japan, only chicks give dudes candy on Valentine’s Day. Dudes have to give chocolate back to chicks on White Day, which is March 14th. According to Wikipedia they also give marshmallows. But I never saw a marshmallow in my eleven years in Japan, so that’s how much you can trust Wikipedia.

I’ve had a couple dozen requests to write about romantic love over the years I’ve been doing the Zen writing thing, and today seems like a good a day to finally do it. But I’ve never really understood why anyone would want my take on the subject. Buddhism doesn’t have a whole lot to say about romance and not much to say about love in general. There’s a trend lately to translate the Sanskrit/Pali word metta as “loving kindness.” But, to me that seems more like marketing aimed at winning ex-Christians into the fold than anything else. The word is more appropriately translated as “benevolence” or “compassion.”

Love is overrated if you ask me. It’s all fluttery butterfly syrupy sweet emotionalism that we’re really better off without. Now I know we can talk about agape love, and eros love and the love of a man for his fellow man (very popular where I live in West Hollywood) and a woman for her fellow woman (there’s some of that available in the Pics section of Suicide Girls). But mainly when the word “love” starts getting thrown around, we’re talking not about compassion or friendship, but about emotion. Buddhism is about transcending your emotions, leaving them behind. Some people worry that means turning into a robot, or at least turning into Mr. Spock. But that’s not what happens. When you transcend emotions, you can actually become sane.

Transcending emotions doesn’t mean you have no feelings. You have them. But you recognize them for what they are and respond appropriately without letting them develop into what we call emotions, which are really just feelings that have been blown way out of proportion.

A typical romance begins with an overload of hormones, which excites the brain and nervous system. In this excited state it becomes difficult to act sensibly. When you mix in alcohol and drugs, as most of us do in the early stages of romance, what you get isn’t much of a recipe for sensible action. Which isn’t to say romance is bad, or relationships are bad, or marriage is bad or any of that. It’s just that excitement in general is something to be avoided more than chased after, though most of us are prone to chase after it.

The other thing that people like to throw around when they talk about romance to anyone they see as a “spiritual” teacher or whatever is this whole idea of soul mates and all that balderdash. It’s difficult to fit the idea of being someone’s soul mate into Buddhism since Buddha denied the existence of the soul. The idea of a soul is just a feeble and inadequate way of conceptualizing what human beings are. Still, sometimes there are unexplainable attractions between people — romantic and otherwise. But there’s still no great need to try and understand why such things occur. When they do, you just do what needs doing. Easy.

Right now my incredibly annoying upstairs neighbor is banging on his piano and screeching, “What’s love got to do with it?” the old Tina Turner song. Thankfully it is not four a.m., which is the time of day he usually chooses to do stuff like this. But it’s still irritating. In this case, though, it’s kind of appropriate because songs like that express well what romantic love is all about —intense, overblown, shirt-ripping, teary eyed fluff without value or meaning.

We’re constantly searching for excitement and stimulation, wrenching our bodies and minds this way and that trying to find some delerious high or some delicious low. Then, after we’ve ripped and pulled and stretched and squeezed ourselves till we can barely stand up from the stress we wonder why we’re such a mess. D’uh! The body/mind likes equilibrium. It seeks balance. Whenever you get too high, it’s like stretching a rubber band. It’s going to snap back or it’s going to break. These are the only two options. Yet we always believe there’s some high just around the corner that’s going to pull us way, way, way up and we’ll stay there forever and ever. If our current romance doesn’t do that for us, we’ll look for a new one somewhere else. When the giddy high of the first date wears off, we’re ready for another fix.

There’s no problem with loving someone, with coupling up, with enjoying someone’s company and all the rest. But if you want to enjoy all that stuff to the fullest, the best way to do it is to stop looking for big highs, peak experiences, and sweeping flights of blissful romance. All of that stuff just causes its own counter-reactions. Watch your own body and mind and you’ll see this for yourself.

So Happy Valentine’s Day one and all. Just don’t send me chocolate cuz it gives me headaches. Send those delicious frosted heart shaped cookies instead.

Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and the forthcoming Sit Down and Shut Up!. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.