Digging A Deep Warren Hole
For those of you who havent been following, Obama chose shocking asshole and homophobe Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Many have explained to those who are offended that they have no right to be upset because this is a move of inclusion. They say Obama is reaching across the aisle. Its about bipartisanship. Its about him being a president to everybody. Uh, yeah. If you believe that you are one stupid motherfucker.
Obama, of course, gave his usual response. Weve really all got to work together and come to an understanding and agree to disagree. Yes. Also, bigots are fine. The one problem with Obamas comments Ñ aside from the shocking hypocrisy Ñ is that they cant stand up to one simple argument: Would he invite a racist to give the invocation? No? Why not? Theyre many racists in this country who deserve to be included in this administration. They are, after all, Americans. We really should reach out to the racists. How will we come together as a country if we dont?
But he would do no such thing, because racists are bad, while gay haters are okey-dokey. Thats the message Obama has sent with this decision. And they just wont shut the fuck up about it. Biden opened his clam hole yesterday.
Barack Obama said you've got to reach out. You've got to reach a hand of friendship across the aisle and across philosophies in this country.
Anyone think he meant homophobes? Really? Did you think he meant racists? No, of course not. Just homophones. Got it.
We can't continue to be a red and blue country. We can't be divided like we have been. And he's made good on his promise.
And he divided us further. It only serves to remind one group of people Ñ the ones who were left out of the victory on November 4th, the ones who were told they were less than by more than one state, the ones who are simmering with anger that they really dont matter, that they are not part of the equation. Obama doesnt have to reach over to that side of the aisle because hes sitting there.
And I would say to the gay and lesbian community, they have nothing to worry about. Barack Obama, every aspect of his life, every aspect of his public life, and every commitment he's made relating to equality for all people, will be things that he will stick with and that they should view this in the spirit in which he offered the opportunity to Ñ to Mr. Warren.
Lets not pretend like Barack Obama supports gay marriage. He does not. Thats why proponents of Prop 8 were able to use his words in ads supporting the ban. Many seem to think Obama is for gay marriage but cant say so because of the political climate. Bullshit. He has said he is not and that is where the truth lies.
And I get the inclusion thing. Look, Barack wants to work with all people. He wants to bring us together. Why, just take a look at these inclusive words.
Let me say at the outset that I vehemently disagree and strongly condemn the statements that have been the subject of this controversy. I categorically denounce any statement that disparages our great country or serves to divide us from our allies. I also believe that words that degrade individuals have no place in our public dialogue, whether it's on the campaign stump or in the pulpit. In sum, I reject outright the statements by Rev. Wright that are at issue.
Oops, my bad. He was talking about Reverend Wright. Sorry, I get confused when figuring out which religious guy is bad and which is good. Comparing gays to pedophiles is not using words that degrade individuals and obviously has a place in our public dialogue.
He's drawn attention as the result of some inflammatory and appalling remarks he made about our country, our politics, and my political opponents.
Obviously, he is a horrible man. Rick Warren, on the other hand, is fine. All he does is stuff like urge the assassination of foreign leaders and compare gay marriage to incest. No wait, this speech was given during the election, so it doesn't count, right? That was only for political reasons, but now he's being himself. Is that it?
Obama has picked someone George W. Bush would have picked. This is no different; this is not change in any way shape or form. There are a shitload of pastors who make respectful, civil arguments against gay marriage and abortion and a litany of other fucked up views. I disagree with them, but at least their opinions are not disgusting. Obama didnt go that way. He went with a guy who couldnt be more of a hateful fuck when it comes to gays. He picked a guy, who up until yesterday had a web page up that said gays were not welcome at his church. Thats how we disagree without being disagreeable Ñ by finding the guy who uses the most disagreeable language possible. A guy whose views are simply heinous.
But, yeah, America needs this kind of asshole to feel like he is a part of things because guys like him have been feeling so powerless for so long. Oh, woes the mega church pastor. Gay people, on the other hand, have been experiencing WAY too much inclusion and power for too long. Oh, wait; Obama let them have a marching band at the inauguration. Guys like Warren used the exact same type of language when they made arguments against interracial marriage and they didnt stop because they were included. They stopped because they were shamed, as God intended.
Obamas inclusiveness is no different than the Congressional Democrats compromises. It is never to the left, only to the right. I had a very tiny bit of hope that Obama would be a better president than Clinton, but that hope is dying as I watch his administration take shape and the choices he makes. I'm not surprised, given Obama's FISA vote, which was an ugly indicator of things to come. Clinton courted the right on matters of business and America paid the price with deregulation and cuts to social services. Now Obama looks to pick up the torch, but with one difference, hes going to court the right on social issues.
And that is where the danger lies. Because by including these bigots from the right in this government, you are leaving out a large group of people. The religious fanatics do not do inclusion. They do exclusion.
Four years ago, Rick Warren wrote an inflammatory letter about the presidential contest to thousands of evangelical pastors. This letter revealed him to be a fierce partisan, who epitomized the worst aspects of the Religious Right. He declared five issues to be "non-negotiable" and those they "are not even debatable because God's word is clear on these issues.'" These included abortion, same sex marriage, embryonic stem cell research, human cloning and euthanasia.
Obama is courting Non-negotiable Warren. There are those you work with to get things done and those you dont. These are the people you dont, unless of course, you have an entirely different agenda. Maybe you just want to stay in power, so giving in to the evangelicals makes sense. Maybe next time around Obama can have Pat Robertson give the invocation.
And make no mistake about it; this is a very important honor. This ups Warrens profile and nudges him towards becoming Americas new spiritual leader. Many have made an argument that some evangelicals do not like Warren because he invited Obama into his church. No, shit, dumbfuck. Obamas not trying to peel off the very right evangelicals, hes going for the young ones who follow Warren. And in doing so, he is tossing gay Americans off the boat. It is a shockingly divisive move.
This is another sign of the end for liberals having any sort of say in this government. This is marginalization. Its been going on for some time, especially with our current Congress, but now Democrats have an Obama to go along with their Reid and Pelosi party. The religious right took over the Republican Party and now they have their sights on the Democratic Party and Obama is going to open the door wide.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #77
Saturday. This is the day the Lord set aside for good people, like myself, to point out and mock horrible people, like Steve Guttenberg. In churches and other holy sites, it is known as Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. In a perfect world, there are no Asshole Fuckfaces and the movie Twilight was never made, but the world is not perfect, so I must do what I must do. I spend the week scouring the news for the worst of the worst and then I drag them into the light for all to see. This week was a gloriously shocking week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put wrap yourself in your couch slipcover because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some new president Asshole Fuckfacery.
Well, it didnt take Barack Obama long to make the Roundup, did it? This week Obama thought it would be a great idea to choose Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Super.
Rick Warren is just one of many hateful, horrible pastors who preach ignorance and stupidity on a daily basis. Warren is from the Saddleback mega church in Orange County, California. He strongly supported Prop 8, is against stem cell research, compares abortion to the Holocaust, he just gave George W. Bush an International Medal of P.E.A.C.E. and has compared gay marriage to pedophilia, polygamy and incest.
Gay people are told they are not welcome at his church on his website.
There is no excuse for Obama picking this Asshole Fuckface to give the invocation. I know, hes reaching out to people. Specifically, hes reaching out to hateful douchebags. But Obama says Rick Warren invited him to speak at Saddleback in August, so why not have Warren speak at the inauguration? I mean, a church and America are totally the same thing. And spitting in the face of a few million supporters can only help, right?
Nevertheless, I had an opportunity to speak, and that dialog, I think, is a part of what my campaign's been all about, that we're never going to agree on every single issue. What we have to do is create an atmosphere where we can disagree without being disagreeable, and then focus on those things that we hold in common as Americans. So Rick Warren has been invited to speak, Dr. Joseph Lowery Ñ who has deeply contrasting views to Rick Warren about a whole host of issues Ñ is also speaking.
Hey, lets also make sure to invite some anti-Semites and racists to take part in the inauguration. I mean, we need to agree to disagree about you being less than human, do we not Barack?
And for those of you morons thinking I feel betrayed by Barack Obama, you couldnt be more off. This is why I didnt support him strongly. He is far from a liberal. But compared to John McCain, hes the greatest president of all time. But John McCain would have also invited Rick Warren to give the invocation, so whos to say?
Next up, some judicial Asshole Fuckfacery.
Have you heard of the splendid Asshole Fuckface Bernard Madoff? He was the mastermind behind a massive fraud scheme, one of the biggest in history.
Madoff told senior employees of his firm on Wednesday that "it's all just one big lie" and that it was "basically, a giant Ponzi scheme," with estimated investor losses of about $50 billion, according to the U.S. Attorney's criminal complaint against him.
On Thursday, Asshole Fuckface US Magistrate Judge Gabriel Gorenstein put Madoff under house arrest. Exactly how much money does one have to steal before they are placed in jail without bail? Maybe its $100 billion.
The couple appeared in court yesterday to sign documents to give up homes in Montauk, New York, and Palm Beach, Florida, if Bernard Madoff flees. His bail hearing was postponed a second time in as many days, and he is now subject to electronic monitoring and a 7 p.m. curfew.
Oh, no. Not the houses in Montauk and Palm Beach! Why so cruel? And a 7 p.m. curfew? Why not just kill the man? Can you imagine being trapped in your penthouse around dinner time every night? Its so horrible, I can barely read it.
This is a splendid example of everything that is wrong with our country.
Next up, some horrible corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.
In 2007, Misty Ann Weaver realized she was in a bit of a spot. Weaver was a nurse for a plastic surgeon and she had not completed some paperwork in a timely fashion. So, she took most obvious course of action: She set a fire.
Weaver admitted she set the fire to hide that she had not completed some paperwork on time for her boss, a cosmetic surgeon, and feared she might lose her job.
The entire office building sort of caught on fire and three people died of smoke inhalation. Did you notice they didnt die from the hot, hot flames? Nope, they died from smoke. So, obviously, the insurance company shouldnt have to pay, because, you know, smoke from a fire is now pollution.
An insurance company with a potential $25 million liability from a 2007 Houston office fire is claiming smoke that killed three people was "pollution" and surviving families shouldn't be compensated for their losses since the deaths were not caused directly by the actual flames.
Great American Insurance Company is arguing in a Houston federal court that the section of the insurance policy that excludes payments for pollution Ñ like discharges or seepage that require cleanup Ñ would also exclude payouts for damages, including deaths, caused by smoke, or pollution, that results from a fire.
Creative! And very Asshole Fuckfacish! The only pollution I see around here is the insurance company. Comedy! BAM! POW! SOCK! WHAM!
Finally, some awesome child rearing Asshole Fuckfacery.
I, FearTheReaper, will be a father in May. I plan on calling my child Dangerous Top Reaper, because I want him to have a great future. My thought process is similar to that of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who gave their children wonderful futures by naming them JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.
I totally get Adolf and Aryan Nation, but Honzlynn Hinler? Seriously? What nickname do you go with? Honz? Wrong. Just wrong.
The childrens names came to the national medias attention because the local Shop Rite wouldnt make a birthday cake for Adolph Hitler.
"ShopRite can't even make a cake for a 3-year-old," said Deborah Campbell, 25, who is Heath's wife of three years and the mother of the children. "That's sad."
Hmmm. You are sort of missing something there. Although, the Campbells seem totally reasonable.
They say they aren't racists but believe races shouldn't mix.
Good luck poking a hole in that argument.
The Campbells said they wanted their children to have unique names and didn't expect the names to cause problems.
It is a bit shocking. When you name your child after a man who killed 6 million people, you dont expect all the hubbub.
Despite the cake refusal, the Campbells said they don't expect the names to cause problems later, such as when the children start school.
Um.
Heath Campbell said some people like the names but others are shocked to hear them. "They say, 'He (Hitler) killed all those people.' I say, 'You're living in the wrong decade. That Hitler's gone,'" he said.
No shit, bro. Hitler was so 1940s. Also, you named your son after HITLER.
"They're just names, you know," he said. "Yeah, they (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that."
"Other kids get their cake. I get a hard time," he said. "It's not fair to my children.
Exactly, its not fair to your children. Ahem.
Waiting.
Not fair. Children. Name.
Anything?
Hello?
"How can a name be offensive?" he asked.
Go ask Rapey McGee. His life has been a bitch.
Disabilities, the couple says, have left both out of work: Heath Campbell can't landscape or pump gas because he has emphysema, and Deborah can't waitress because she has a bad back. They live on Social Security payments.
Of course. Hitler would be so proud. Wait, maybe he is.
In the foyer, Heath Campbell, who said he has German ancestry and a relative who fought for the SS, took off boots he said were worn by a Nazi solider named Daniel.
Oh, God, make it stop.
He said Adolf Hitler, Aryan Nation and Hinler would be able to make their own decisions about race.
Well, sure. I'm not seeing anything to make me think otherwise.
And no worries, Wal-Mart made the cake.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.