Seacrest Plus Hilton Equals Equation No One Wants
A perfect storm of douchiness. That's what I seem to be staring into.
Before I get to that, I realize mocking or despising Paris Hilton is neither original nor hard. It's been done. A lot. People are kind of sick of it. I don't care. The facts remain the same. She is atrocious and really shouldn't be tolerated on any level. Ideally, there'd be two kinds of people in this world, those who despise Paris Hilton, and those who haven't yet heard of Paris Hilton. But nope, that second group may not exist and, alarmingly, there's a third group of people who adore her, and seem to think she is somehow doing her own thing, representing the ladies etc. These people are wrong.
In a similar though slightly more respected category is Ryan Seacrest. (Wow, quick sidebar what are the chances of that? I'm sorry, that never happens you're discussing Ryan Seacrest and he's not even the worst part of the story, that is a rare occurence my friends.)
So, Seacrest, yeah... He's been rightfully mocked but then went through a weird period where people insisted he was good at his job and moved things along nicely on American Idol ,etc. Others even praised his business sense and empire-building skills. (Yeah, that guy's the best, the dude who pipes up during a discussion about TV or film or whatever to say "yeah he may suck but he's a really good businessman." When did that become something to admire? Who gives a shit? I mean, good for him but it doesn't excuse his general shittiness.)
There you go. I just shot some fish in a barrel. To sum up, they stink. But hey, just keep stinking on your own time far away from me and the things I enjoy. He should stick to American Idol or horrendous radio or whatever his day job is ("he works so hard!" again, who cares?). And she should agree to stay away from any channels not ending in an an exclamation point, and all will be fine...
But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.
The two stars and their respective production companies, Paris Hilton Entertainment and Ryan Seacrest Productions, are joining forces to develop a new scripted TV series.
Wha..Are you kidding me? I almost don't know how to react to that. Like, the gall involved in that statement, is mind-boggling... They do know that "scripted shows" require people to act (and read), right? Separately, neither one of these simpletons should be anywhere near any sort of scripted show, so the fact that they're teaming up is... unbelievable.
Why not set out to build a rocket ship to the Neptune? Or cure cancer? Honestly, those options are just as much in your wheelhouse and just as likely for you to succeed at, as developing a show.
I know I'll regret saying this but I almost want to see this abomination. Just to be able to have some new refrence point for awful. To be able to look at it for a few seconds, quantify it in some way, and then forget it ever existed, so that I can go on to enjoying nice things in the world.
There's more.
"Paris knows exactly how to have fun with herself. She works hard but doesn't take herself too seriously," says Seacrest.
Oh-for-two Seacrest, some nice work there... In fact, SHE DOES NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS. She doesn't work hard, and she takes herself very seriously. Did you really have to lie? There was no other way you could think of to compliment her?
Like, "Um, yeah, well, she's a person... and they put people on TV shows, so as you can see that's a pretty good fit right there."
Or just come right out and say "There are quite a few terrible shows on the air, why shouldn't I make some money off of one... And who better to appear in a terrible show than Paris?"
Somewhat off topic, but equally annoying is the headline for the article.
Ryan Seacrest, Paris Hilton Hook Up...for TV
Picture some mouth-breather sounding out that sentence, getting to the ellipsis, kinda freaking out, then finishing. "What the- Ohhhh... Hahahahaha. Oh, E!, you saucy devil you... for a minute there I thought you meant that they'd gotten together in a "you know" way, hehehe! but okay, I see what you meanted to be readinged. Me like joke."
Seacrest and Hilton. I defy you to come up with a worse combo. I dare you. It's like the polar opposite of peanut butter and chocolate. Like whatever the oppsosite is, they're that, if when you ate it it would give you malaria.
Hitler and Dane Cook? Stabbings and global warming? You can't do it can you...?
TheCoolerKIng enjoys good TV and would like there to be more of it...His column appears each Sunday at SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more.
Letterman Funny for the First Time in Years
When I saw this story on dlisted, I almost couldn't believe it. David Letterman, long beloved as a bastion of mainstream, "safe" humor and pleasant celebrity interviews, basically just called Paris Hilton a dirty little slut, then verbally beat her like a red headed stepchild on national TV. Look!
Things I love about this interview
1. In a satire of everyone who's interviewed her in the past, he says "How'd you like being in jail?...God that was a horrible thing, wasn't that just horrible?" Before Paris can re-gift her canned answers, the audience laughs at a joke everyone but her is in on. It's not what he says, but how he says it...he questions her with deadpan faux-sincerity that goes far beyond his usual "LOOK AT ME I'M BEING FUNNY" demeanor.
2. He uses the word "scurvy," one of my favorite words ever.
3. He rubs it in her face that Nicole only spent forty-five minutes in the clink.
4. This one is easy to miss because it's mainly set-up for what comes next...but when she tells him she was born in New York, he responds with "good for you!" Though she eventually realizes he's fucking with her, I doubt she caught that barb...because for Paris, being born was an accomplishment.
5. After she tries to steer the topic over to her current "projects," he tells her:
In all seriousness, this could be your legacy...as a contribution to the young people of this country.
What? Did he just highlight her life's utter vacuity and call her out on her failure to deliver on promises of charitable projects both at once? Yes, yes he did.
6. In the same tone of voice you'd use on a five-year-old, he asks "do you know what you did?" Points off for laughing at his own joke, though.
7. He won't stop when she tells him to! She keeps looking off to the right to see if anyone is going to tackle him, and, finding herself alone, squirms in her seat like a little kid, then pouts in a hilarious self-caricature.
8. Without skipping a beat, he asks if her heckler is somebody she met in prison.
9. He drinks the bitch's perfume, as if to say "You picked out the bottle yourself? O RLY?" This also calls attention to the fact that perfume is just alcohol you rub on yourself.
10. Even when Dave lets her talk about her "projects," the audience cannot stop laughing at the elaborate, postmodern joke that is her existence.
The reason I write about this shit, and the reason any self-respecting comedian performs satire on current events, is to make us laugh at the same time that we realize the sheer absurdity of the world around us, and maybe decide to do something about it. This was, I hope, the Paris Hilton interview to end all Paris Hilton interviews. In the wake of this dressing-down, the bitch would have to be crazy to do another one until after she actually accomplishes something. She probably will anyway, but one can only dream.
Now go read some real blogs and find out what's happening in Iraq.
Eventually, Even Stan Lee Runs Out of Ideas
No disrespect intended to the man who started it all. I'm just saying it appears that he, much like you and I, is human after all...
Someone named Cindy Adams had the following to report:
LET'S don't anybody say Paris Hilton is a flash in the pen. Let's don't even mutter about this Feline Felon flaming out. The child is only beginning. Stan Lee, who brought you "Spider-Man," who brought us "X Men," who brought mankind "The Incredible Hulk," who brought himself millions, who is now bringing "Superhero" to the Sci Fi Network 9 p.m. Thursdays, is poised to bring us Miss Paris Hilton Herself.
Well, look at that... It appears, I don't like Cindy Adams.
"The plan is to make an animated cartoon show with her on TV. A hip comedy in the superhero comedy-adventure genre..."
Makes sense. She's neither hip, nor funny, nor someone who's ever gone on an adventure. Unless you consider navigating the bloated, hair-covered gut of a fat man in search of coke something akin to a quest for an enchanted sword. Oh, you do? Okay.
"We get on very well. This is a charming, very likable person."
I don't think he's using those words correctly. Charming doesn't mean what he thinks it means. Odd, considering he's a writer.
"Sophisticated. Great comedic sense. A fine voice..."
Yow! This is getting embarrassing.
"And seriously hard-working."
Okay! Now he's just fucking with us... Maybe he's been replaced by an LMD?
Totally unlike whatever the public is led to believe. And she has input. She attends every meeting. What we plan to do is truly tasteful.
"I'm doing a few of these kinds of shows. I'm working with Ringo Starr for a similar idea."
Finally. Somebody go tell that one guy who's been patiently waiting for his "Ringo Starr" comic.
Hmm, whom else stinks enough for us to center a comic around them?
"And I'm planning another with Hugh Hefner. Actually, he's not a sybarite. In my hands, he'll come off as America's greatest secret agent."
No... No, he won't...
Wait... What am I saying? The formula worked perfectly with
Stripperella, didn't it? Man, what a pop culture juggernaut that was. All those classic tales... I'm actually wearing my Stripperella underoos right now. Hey, anyone out there attending Stripperella-con this year?
Basically he's saying, let's take an idea that didn't wotk with Pamela Anderson (someone people like), actually find someone with less acting ability, talent, and general likability, and try it again. Nice.
He's still a god... and I've heard that the gods sometimes act in mysterious ways... This is probably just one of those times. Like Odin binding Thor to Earth or Zeus assigning the 12 labors to Hercules... This is some kind of test or, or... punishment or something, right? Once we figure out what we did to anger him, he'll take these blights on society far away from us...
TheCoolerKing spent 5 years of his young life in search of a no-prize, and it pained him to write this article.
Tony Danza Respects Self More than Anderson Cooper, Barbara Walters?
Now that the Paris Hilton media wankfest has finally died down a bit, I am loathe to bring the subject up again. Each time someone blogs the name "Paris Hilton" or re-posts a picture of her hairless, crab-bitten pudenda, her net worth increases five dollars. That's like five whole Big Gulps, or two and a half forties of Colt 45. Five liters of delicious carbonated goodness or fucking ONE HUNDRED ounces of drunktastic, watery fun juice, falling into the wrong hands and getting converted into something totally lame, like .05 grams of cocaine that will subsequently be snorted off of charming ladies' man Brandon Davis' smug, oily cock. Also, every time you click on and read a story about the Princess of Pubic Lice, God kills six kittens. So if you'd rather go and masturbate or something and save five net kittens, I will understand.
But if you are as horrible a person as me, you do not give a shit about the kittens and you want to read any and everything I have to tell you about the Monarch of Molloscum-contagiosum.
Well too bad! Today, I'm meta-reporting on the un-sung heroes and villians of this trying time, those brave, high class journalistic pros(titutes) that make up the media.
Barbara Walters started things off on a fellati-icious note by reading a transcript of a "phone conversation" in which the Queen of Chlamydia tells her she has found God in jail [insert prison-God-rape joke here]:
I felt as if I was in a cage.
Nice use of simile, Paris...you're busted! If you can find any instances of proper use of the similes "like" or "as" in an episode of the Simple Life I'll eat my words, but this sounds a lot like publicity-bitch speak to me.
I used to act dumb. It was an act and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me.
Again, it's doubtful the Infanta of Anal Warts would even attempt to use "nor."
She also "talked" to Barbara about creating a Paris Hilton Playhouse for Children (!!!) where sick children can presumably recover and have fun with sandboxes full of cocaine, swimming pools full of jizz, and snacks full of bulimia! They can also get exercise running from Nicole Richie's spider child when they make the mistake of trying to get it to share its Vicodin with them.
Yawn...prostitutey business as usual.
Next up is Anderson Cooper, who feebly expressed his displeasure at being forced to cover the Duchess of Gonorrhea every chance he got.
But in the end, he rolled over and offered up his ass for penetration like any good media call girl. Mmm, CNN likes it when it can tell you're totally not into it. Can you maybe cry a little? Fuck yeah.
But never fear! Rushing in to keep media decent was that pillar of journalistic integrity and anal chastity Tony Danza:
I was in an airport [last Wednesday] when that whole Paris Hilton interview was going down. I was watching The Situation Room and they were talking about this interview that hadnt happened yet and then counting down to it. Ill never watch CNN again.
I mean it. I think somethings happened to news and entertainment. News has become entertainment. They dont give you what you need, they give you what you want
This is coming from a man whose greatest artistic achievement's re-runs got cancelled by TBS Superstation, and whose short lived talk show featured such serious and important guests as Shannen Doherty, Drew Lachey, and--oops!--Paris Hilton.
Is anyone out there NOT a hypocrite?
Well check out THIS bitch:
What the fuck is her problem? She is stubbornly, rudely not taking it in the ass from anyone. I almost couldn't believe this video was real when I found it. This is MSNB fucking C. Don't they pre-screen anchors for anal generosity? She should take a cue from her co-workers and get a good gape going as she watches the Empress of Herpes' cute, hypnotic strut.
My final instance of retardation comes from some lady named Lisa Bloom, who basically claims (around 2:20) that Paris Hilton HAS to be a postmodern celebutard who is famous for being famous, because otherwise she'd have to be a prostitute (this little speech is conveniently missing from CNN.com's transcript of the show.):
You have to give her credit that she has earned a legal living as a model. Probably the best she could have done.
This one really fucks with your head. You think she's standing up for Paris, but if you stand up for someone by calling them a whore, do the two speech-actions cancel each other out? I sincerely can't decide if she's the most subversively uppity one of the bunch or the most retarded. Ow, my brain.
In conclusion: since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a journalist. I think I'm going to go kill myself now.
From Vietnam to Paris
I know, I know, you're sick of hearing about Paris Hilton. So am I, we all are. I'll try to give her as little attention as possible here, OK? Now surely youve seen the photographs of the heiress in tears, snapped as she drove away from the courthouse this past Friday:
(©Nick Ut/The Associated Press)
Years from now, this particular image -- in all its washed-out, blown-up, grainy glory -- might serve as an apt reminder of a time when our collective fixation on celebrity had reached critical mass. But if you stop to consider the man who took the picture -- AP photographer Huỳnh Công Út, better known as Nick Ut -- the photo transcends its image of wounded ego and becomes a fitting testament to one man's career, the vast spectrum of photojournalism as a whole, and the impact of iconic images.
Some might say there are no coincidences when it comes to such things; that they happen specifically to draw our attention to them. Nick Uts snapshot of Paris was taken exactly 35 years to the day from another hopefully-more-famous photograph he took during the Vietnam War, titled The Terror of War.
(©Nick Ut/The Associated Press)
Far more memorable in its composition and its content, this photo of Phan Thi Kim Phúc is usually considered the definitive image of the Vietnam War, and won both Kim Phúc and Nick Ut the Pulitzer Prize in 1973. David Hinckley of the NY Daily News, who interviewed Mr. Ut a few days ago, contrasts the pictures:
Phan Thi Kim Phuc was crying because napalm - black, oily blazing jellied gasoline - was burning the skin off her back.
Paris Hilton was crying because she had just been told she had to serve her 23-day jail sentence in jail.
The simple juxtaposition of these two photos takes on added weight and meaning knowing that they were taken by the same expressive lens. But what does it say? Ut doesn't offer any answers. Hinckley writes:
He probably won't win another Pulitzer this time, and neither does he try to contrast this world to that one.
Asked about celebrity versus war photography, he says only, "It's very different."
Drawing on these two photographs, a lot can be said about the world: the way it's changed over the course of the last generation, or simply the way it's presentation has changed; whether we reflect our media or the other way around. But one thing is for certain: the importance of the image to our culture cannot be underestimated.
Return to Cell Block Hilton
Late last week, TheCoolerKing was there on the front line, bringing you breaking news as Paris Hilton pulled a Get Out of Jail Free card out of who-knows-where and was promptly released from the L.A. Detention Center, whereupon she immediately passed Go and collected $200 in cupcakes. Now, I regret to tell you that I am the bearer of much more somber news: on Friday, a judge ordered her back to jail to complete her sentence, and this time, our little Monopoly champ will not fight back.
Paris Hilton says she will not appeal against her 45-day jail sentence for violating probation on a driving ban.
She is being held at a detention centre in Los Angeles, where she was believed to have undergone medical and psychiatric tests.
On Friday a judge ordered her back to jail, ending a brief stint under house arrest at her Hollywood Hills home. She was taken screaming from the court.
Incidentally, she has just issued a statement explaining her position, and I can only describe it as truly heartrending:
Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judges decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriffs concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge.
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience.
Oh, Paris. You brought this on yourself, you know. If you'd only taken your sentence like a man, you'd be a couple days closer to done with this whole mess. Kind of like those real estate signs by the side of the freeway that say "If you lived here, you'd be home right now." But instead, you made a scene; then you went home and consoled yourself with delicious baked goods, drawing smarmy modern-day Marie Antoinette comparisons from journalists across the globe, by which I mean my living room. The ax had to come down sometime.
But all is not lost; it would seem that these days of introspection and desserts have made her a better, more eloquent woman. Perhaps we, too, can learn from her ordeal.
As I have said before, I hope others will learn from my mistake. I have also had time to read the mail from my fans. I very much appreciate all of their good wishes and hope they will keep their letters coming.
I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world.
Spoken like a winner. Or a winner's publicist. Whatever. Godspeed and God bless, you angel of the media. We're all pulling for you here at the station.
Paris: Kind of a Pansy, Even for an Heiress
Remember when we were told that she would receive absolutely no special treatment?
Paris Hilton has been fitted for ankle bracelet and reassigned to house arrest, after authorities decided to release Hilton from jail due to medical reasons, this according to Los Angeles County Sheriff's Dept. spokesperson, Steve Whitmore.
Seriously, Paris? Youre telling us youre not even as tough as Leona Helmsly? Youre saying when the chips are down, when they separate the wheat from the chaff (not only do I not know what this means, I dont know who the they is. Farmers? Whoever they are, theyre doing a fantastic job), Martha Fucking Stewart passes a gut check that you are incapable of even attempting. Youre content saying "I cannot hack this anymore," at around the same time Martha Stewart was still unpacking pinecones and a hot glue gun (sorta stale, I know, but still a nice visual).
Maybe Im being a bit harsh. After all, a stab wound can be fatal. So can a heretofore-unknown tumor hemorrhaging. Cancer can also -- Wait, what? What's that you say?
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Paris Hilton's medical condition was purely psychological and that she was in peril of having a nervous breakdown, and that's why she was released early this morning.
Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk.
It's true, the last thing wed want is someone in prison being at risk. Still, it happens. Not that different from my Hispanic gardener friend. They let him out of jail just last week after he developed a headache.*
* "Let him out jail" is prison slang for someone kicking you in the balls while insulting you racially.
Pop Princess Reinvents Herself by Leaving the Drawers at Home
Are you ready for a gratuitous gossip story? If not, read no furthergo check out the politics section or something. Anyway, Britney Spears seems to be on a desperate path for reinvention. Shortly after giving birth to her second child, Spears decided to revitalize her struggling career by dropping her deadbeat, wanna-be rapper husband, getting some new boobs, and washing her hair. Part of her evolution, according to some sources, is to make herself over into a party-girl MILF.
Brit, desperate for a comeback, hooked up with Paris Hilton for lessons. Photographers caught the two all over Las Vegas and Los Angeles during the past couple of weeksdancing, shopping, and hooking. Hilton gave Spears a few of her attention-getting maneuvers, most notably, apparently advising the former pop-star to leave her panties at home.
Spears was snapped with Hilton on Friday night leaving West Hollywood's Hyde nightclub in a white T-shirt and black mini-skirt (both very Hilton-esque) as well as a pair of Paris' trademark oversize sunglasses.
While maneuvering out of the cab in the black mini, Spears managed to flash her goods to the throng of paparazziand there was an awful lot to see.
This proves to all the haters Brit isnt the mediocre mother we all thought she wasshe's out there trying to make that dollar for her babies.
Vag
Tina Fey Calls Paris Hilton a "Piece of Shit"
Further cementing her place in popular culture as a complete and total bad ass, actress/writer Tina Fey (30 Rock, Saturday Night Live) opened fire on celebutard and former SNL guest host Paris Hilton on Howard Stern's radio show this morning. Here are some of the transcribed tidbits courtesy of the always entertaining Cityrag:
She said Paris had "the hair of a fraggle", and left "nasty wads of Barbie hair on the floor" from her "cheap weave"!
Tina caught Paris's "giant man hands" and said they were "as long as her forearm".
Paris actually takes herself seriously and "embraces her stupidity".
She asked them to write a skit so she could play Jessica Simpson "because I hate her" ..."she's fat".
Paris was so uninterested in anyone else the staff had a bet to see if she would ask anyone something personal (like "how are you").
She did at one point ask someone "is Maya Rudolph Italian?" (she's half Black, half Jewish)
"The hair of a Fraggle."
May you live to be one thousand years old, Ms Tina Fey.
It Doesn't Pay to be Paris Hilton's Myspace Buddy
I guess if youre masochistic enough to want to win a special trip to see Paris Hilton, some extra spam in your e-mail wont hurt too much. Several people on Hiltons Myspace friends list were disappointed after they received messages from Hiltons account informing them they won all-expense-paid trips to visit the socialite. After clicking on the message, a series of screens prompted friends to Hurry! Only twenty prizes left. You would assume these people would have the smarts stop, but they didnt.
They were then forwarded to a series of pop-up messages and questionnaires asking them to buy products and requesting them to supply personal information.
If the friend refuses to supply the info, the screen freezes, says one angry source. If however, the information is supplied, a message appears, saying, Thank you for signing up for our offers, but all the prizes are gone. Your email is now on a spam list and you win nothing!
The survey takes forever to fill out! fumes one source. I sure hope Paris is treating her best-friend-again Nicole Richie better than her MySpace friends.
Hiltons reps said Paris wouldnt do something like this, and its likely someone hacked into her friends list. Her reps must know she isnt bright enough to pull off this ridiculous scheme herself.
Hilton chills with creepy new friend, Criss Angel.
Paris Hilton Charged with DUI
The Los Angeles District Attorney filed charges against Paris Hilton stemming from her drunk driving arrest earlier this month.
The misdemeanor charges stem from Hilton's arrest earlier this month. The heiress was pulled over on September 7 in Hollywood after police spotted her driving erratically and she blew a .08 blood alcohol level, the minimum for a DUI in California.
Hilton partied a little too hard at Suicide Girls 5th anniversary party that night. Hilton maintained that she only had one drink that evening--a margarita, which she enjoyed while watching Reagan shake her tit-tays.
The maximum sentence allowed by law is a $1,000 fine and six months in jail. Knowing her history with Los Angeles D.A.s, nothing will come of this.
In other Hilton news, execs at Ecoist.com, an eco-friendly accessories company, claimed they are on the verge of signing a promotion deal with Hilton. They might want to rethink that decision; Hilton seemed a bit fuzzy on the details of a tree-planting promotional trip to Port-Au-Prince, Haiti.
Ecoist is hoping that Paris will join them in October on a trip to Port-Au-Prince to plant more than 40,000 trees, a source says. But when she was told about the trip, Paris had no idea where Haiti was. When she was told that they speak French there [along with Creole], she said, I wouldnt mind spending a few days there and the weekend in Paris.
Geography (or anything else school-related) is not her forte.
Photo Location
Paris Hilton Parties with the SuicideGirls
The world awoke this morning to the utterly non-shocking news that police arrested Paris Hilton early Thursday morning on DUI charges. Predictable, maybe--but the story has one major element of fun for SuicideGirls: Paris partied that evening at our Fifth Anniversary Party in Hollywood!
Shortly after leaving our charity event benefiting Head to Hollywood, Los Angeles Police noticed Hilton displaying her notorious (lack of) driving skills.
TMZ has learned LAPD officers noticed Paris driving her Mercedes McLaren SLR erratically at 12:31 AM and stopped her. They believed she exhibited signs of intoxication. We're told they administered a field sobriety test, and Paris blew a .08. In California, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level is the minimum level for DUI.
Paris was arrested and taken to the LAPD Hollywood division, where she was booked. The officers who stopped the car did not know it was Paris Hilton until they approached the vehicle on foot. Police sources say she was cooperative. Paris had a passenger in the car -- Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart's daughter.
Officers took her mug-shot at the station; unfortunately, they will not release the photo to the public. Paris sister Nicky picked up the shaken socialite at the police station after police released her on her own recognizance.
Rumors flew concerning how much alcohol Hilton consumed that evening. Her rep, Elliot Mentz, disclosed Hilton consumed one drink that evening.
Mintz told TMZ that Paris had attended a charity event earlier in the evening. He said she had a single drink -- a margarita -- the entire evening and shortly thereafter she was stopped. She was asked to take a breathalyzer test when she was stopped and cooperated. She took a second test at the station. For the record, TMZ is told Paris is 5'9" and weighs 110 lbs.
If Paris was intoxicated by anything, it was probably the SuicideGirls burlesque show that she had just enjoyed with her sister Nicky and Nicky's boyfriend Kevin Connolly, Kimberly Stewart, and Joe Francis, founder of the Girls Gone Wild empire. The charity event was thrown in celebration of SuicideGirls' 5 Year Anniversary, and featured the debut of the latest burlesque tour. The U.S./Canadian tour kicks off September 14 and runs through November 18 before heading to Europe, and a juicy little segment can be seen here.
Paris particularly seemed to enjoy the "Burn the Witch" routine (featuring the track of the same name by Queens of the Stone Age), in which SuicideGirl Nixon kicks some blond, socialite butt. Paris was laughing and snapping pictures through the entire routine.
We here at SG did not see Miss Hilton carousing at our event, and our own Sloane Suicide has a theory as to why Hilton wasnt drinking.
"I don't know when she would've had time to drink - she was furiously
texting on her Sidekick every time I saw her!"
Longtime fan Courtney Love showed up to celebrate SuicideGirls' 5th Anniversary, and other rumored celebrity sightings included Brandon Davis, Kevin Federline and Jason Bateman.
Paris poses on the red carpet with Ken Baker of Us Weekly, and the lovely Missy Suicide, co-founder of SuicideGirls.com
Danger Mouse Remixes Paris. Without Permission.
I used to think Danger Mouse was just really good. He now borders on godlike, and the gods are crazy.
Even though the stars are blind, CD store clerks are not and it was recently discovered that some 400 doctored copies of Paris Hilton's debut Paris showed up in retail chain HMV's bins. These 400 copies had an unauthorized alternate cover with Paris baring her ladies and sporting a doggie head.
The new cover art was the work of Gorrillaz graffiti artist Banksy, who also took liberties with the song titles. The album now includes philosophical questions that Paris may ask herself during her alone time, such as "Why Am I Famous?" and "What am I for?"
The actual remixes which total 40 minutes are credited to "DM."
Danger Mouse's management confirmed the audio terrorism with this official statement:
It's hard to improve on perfection, but we had to try.
Seems to me, stuff like this is the reason why we keep Paris famous.
Joke of the Day
Courtesy of CNN: "I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Hilton, who told GQ Magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime....
Shannen Doherty Rips on Lindsay and Paris
Veteran bad girl Shannen Doherty is no fan of newbie hellraisers Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Once a tabloid fixture, Doherty says she was a model of good behavior compared to Lohan's recent actions.
"I wasn't partying every night. I showed up late for work once and I got fired. I didn't get a scathing letter from an executive - I got canned."
Another target of Dohertys thinly veiled wrath is Hilton, whose co-star in the infamous video One Night in Paris was Doherty's ex-husband Rick Solomon.
"The stuff that I did at 18, now, compared with what the girls do now - was nothing. I mean, I never did a porno... I never did drugs, I never partied, I wasn't that girl."
And because it's not a real fight until you slam someone's mother, Doherty also takes Dina Lohan to task for letting Lindsay run rampant with her partying ways. Doherty says her own mother's discipline kept her on the straight and narrow, not counting those convictions for criminal damage and drunk driving.
Photo Location
T-Mobile Pulls Ads from FX Over Racy Content
Wireless giant T-Mobile, which is responsible for those irritating commercials that ALWAYS seem to be on, is yanking their ads from FX to protest the graphic scenes on shows such "Rescue Me" and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
The move comes at the behest of CEO Robert Dotson, who is responding to complaints by the American Family Association about FX's subject matter.
The CEO pledged to immediately withdraw T-Mobile ads from all FX programs pending further review, and vowed T-Mobile "will not support programming or content offerings that are sexually gratuitous and explicit, racist, hateful or excessively violent."
This from the company that a couple years ago used Snoop Dogg and Paris Hilton to shill their Sidekick product.
Conversely, we can expect a ratings jump for FX shows from a grateful, T-Mobile ad-free viewing public.
Photo Location
What a Pretty Glass House You Live in, Paris
That obese cow Paris Hilton has lashed out against skinny celebrities, calling them "gross."
"A lot of women are too thin. But I like food too much. I think those people who are getting really skinny - and I'm not saying which ones - just look gross."
Were looking forward to Paris unveiling her new plumper self... when hell freezes over.
It's not just waifs that meet with her disapproval; Paris also says one-night stands are "gross." The hotel heiress, whose amateur porn video "One Night in Paris" is a top-selling adult DVD, says she'd never sleep with a guy she's just met.
She revealed: "One-night stands are not for me. I think it's gross when you just give it up. Guys want you more if you don't just hand it to them on a plate. If they want you, then they will wait."
Paris says she has vowed not to have sex for one year because she wants to rediscover herself. She's sure there's a soul in there somewhere.
Photo Location
Girlfight! Diddy, Lohan, and Hilton Edition
Pissed off over some Greek dude, Lindsay Lohan accosted Paris Hilton in the restroom of the NYC restaurant Butter, only to return to her seat to find Diddy and his posse commandeered her table. So whats a broad to do in this situation? Start a second fight with dude whose posse likes to shoot some shit up.
She kidded with him, asking what he was doing at her table.
"He didn't realize she was joking," says a source, "and he then yelled at her and told her to get out."
Diddy "was really mean to her," says another source, who claims one of Puffy's bodyguards lifted up Lindsay, and the rapper himself got into a scuffle with a Lohan pal who defended her.
Bouncers eventually "moved Lindsay out of the booth," says a source. Outside, Lohan vented to Butter owners Scott Sartiano and Richie Akiva, allegedly demanding Diddy be ejected.
So who is a better customer? Lindsay Lohan, an under-aged girl who probably never pays for drinks, or Diddy, whose ostentatious spending and extravagant lifestyle extends to his massive posse? I imagine the restaurateur allowed Diddy to finish his Cristal.
Diddys reps refused to comment, but Hiltons rep said his client was just trying to apply makeup in the womens room when Lindsay paid a visit. He refused to confirm if applying makeup is code for snorting coke off a toilet seat.
Photo Location
Paris Hilton: Hit and Run Moron
What kind of moron backs into a car and drives away with hordes of cameras photographing the incident? Paris Hilton, of course. Hilton spent the day shopping with with Nick Lacheys new piece of ass, Kim Kardashian, and then headed to a parking garage on Robertson Blvd in Los Angeles. After saying goodbye to her homegirl, Hilton posed for the waiting paparazzi while backing her Range Rover. Apparently transfixed by the flashbulbs, she plowed her SUV into a parked Honda.
After loading her shopping bags into the trunk of her Range Rover, Hilton says good-bye to Kardashian and starts to back out of the parking spot without her seat belt on -- another violation of law.Hilton checks her mirrors and looks around, but apparently doesn't notice the parked Honda Civic behind her and slams into the bumper, causing damage to both vehicles.
Oops
Being the ever-conscientious citizen, Hilton sped off from the parking garage without leaving any information for the driver of the car she hit, a misdemeanor punishable by up to six months in jail. I cant imagine Hilton facing any repercussions for the incident--after all, this isnt her first un-prosecuted crime.
Several months ago, a tape surfaced of Hilton and her then-boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos, hitting a truck and leaving the scene. Its really not a surprise that Niarchos hit the truck in front of himhe was driving Hiltons Bentley with a coat over his head.
Last November the hotel heiress was involved in yet another hit and run, which TMZ caught on tape, when her then boyfriend Stavros Niarchos crashed Hilton's Bentley into a parked truck and then drove off.
Additionally, TMZ has video of eight instances, since May 1, where Hilton drives away in her car sans seat belt. While as far as we can determine, she has never been cited. If she had, the fines would total $1682. BTW, Thursday's incident brings the count (of driving without a seat belt) to nine.
Earlier Oops
Paris law-breaking antics are not limited to her sad driving skills. A few years back, surveillance video caught her stealing a copy of her hit porn video from a newsstand. Although the video clearly showed Hilton stealing the DVD, then driving away in her own car, prosecutors claimed the video was not enough evidence to press charges.
Hiltons very over-worked publicist, Elliot Mintz, refused to comment about the latest incident. He also declined to get in the car with Hilton behind the wheel.
