Asshole Fuckface Roundup #107
Were down to the second to last Asshole Fuckface Roundup of all time. Ive been called up to the big leagues. Asshole Fuckfaces will no longer be my business. This makes today the 7th worst day in world history. Tomorrow will be the 6th and you can probably see a pattern developing. So, hold on to your assholes, because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some Ohio Asshole Fuckfacing.
Meet Ohio State Representative John Adams. He believes womens bodies belong to men, like property. Women should obviously have no say in what they want in their pathetic lives.
An Ohio lawmaker has introduced a bill that would prevent a woman from having an abortion unless she gets written consent from the biological father.
Cant see any problem with that. Its just a well thought out policy.
"What does the father have to say in the abortion of his child? He has nothing to say (under current law)," Adams told 10TV News.
Thats because its not growing in his torso and coming out of his vagina.
In the case where the father isn't known, House Bill 252 would compel the woman to provide a list of names of people who may be the father in an effort to determine paternity. The bill also would make it a crime for women to lie about who the father is, and make it illegal for doctors to perform abortions without the father's consent.
A worthy use of government. Also, if the father is located, the woman will be branded with his name on her forehead. Oh, and I loved the book, The Handmaid's Tale. Thanks for the reminder.
The bill would force a woman to have a child if the father does not agree to an abortion.
Or to move out of Ohio. Dear John Adams, you are sub-human.
Next up, more racist Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.
As I wrote the day Obama was elected, racist Republican nonsense will continue to spew forth every day Obama is in office. Republicans, or, as they are often called, rich, white people, believe their racist jokes are something everyone does. They believe its just our common language and they will continue sending offensive jokes and twitters until he leaves office. Its who they are. They don't know any better.
First, well start with Atwater, California City Council member Gary Frago. Garys big on sending out hilarious emails about President Obama and his wife.
Breaking News Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 million to pose nude in the January issue. Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic.
Shes black, by the way. I mean, if you missed the hilarity, National Geographic is known for publishing photos of bare-chested African women, or, at least they did in the 50s.
Some emails compared Obama to O.J. Simpson while others suggested that nigger rigs should now be called presidential solutions.
Obviously, Gary has a big future in politics, but hes not the worst racist emailer of the week. No, that honor goes to Dr. David McKalip. Dr. David is the founder of the right-wing, anti-health reform group Doctors For Patient Freedom. Hes one of the doctors the GOP is taking out for talks to explain to Americans why health care reform is bad.
"Congress wants to create larger, government-funded programs for health care and more bureaucracy that ration care and impose cookbook medicine."
Good stuff. He also sent out this image of Obama as a witch doctor this week.
McKalip said he believes that by depicting the president as an African witch doctor, the artist who created the image "was expressing concerns that the health-care proposals [made by President Obama] would make the quality of medical care worse in our country." McKalip said he didn't know who created it.
Hell yeah. Its impossible to make that point without putting a bone in the presidents nose. Impossible.
Next up, more Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.
The Republicans have whipped up their talking points to stop health care reform. Here's the highlight:
Democrats are proposing a government controlled health insurance system, which will control care, treatments, medicines and even what doctors a patient may see.
So, health insurance that will control care, treatments, medicines and even what doctors a patient may see? Um, thats exactly what we have now. So, good point? Oh, and there's more.
President Obama's health care experiment is too much, too fast, too soon. Our country cannot afford to fix health care through a rushed experiment.
Its a good thing we havent had, like, 60 years to think about it. In actuality, it needs to be a rush job. Why? Because 5 million Americans have lost their insurance since September. Because 16% of Americans over the age of 18 have no health insurance. Thats actually something you should deal with fast, not slow. Oh, and 70% of Americans want a public plan.
The only reason Republicans want to slow it down is because they want more time to come up with lies to spread across the airwaves to defeat health care reform. And they have no plan. No plan.
Finally, some pot Asshole Fuckfacery.
With all that is going on in our country, it amazing we continue our war on drugs, specifically marijuana. Currently, law enforcement officials are conducting Operation SOS or, Save Our Sierra. They are saving it from pot.
More than 314,000 plants were uprooted in 70 gardens numbers expected to rise as the enforcement action continues, the paper reported. Agents also seized $41,000 in cash, 26 firearms and three vehicles.
Sweet. Obamas drug policy is the same old, stupid, moronic drug policy we have been living under for years, with the same old idiots in charge. Take Obamas new idiot drug czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who had some awesome things to say about pot.
"Legalization is not in the president's vocabulary, and it's not in mine," he said.
"Marijuana is dangerous and has no medicinal benefit," Kerlikowske said.
No, cant think of a thing.
Keep on keepin on. Its a tremendous success and a great use of our money. By the way, government, if pot was legal pot farmers wouldn't be screwing up the environment up in the mountains. Just a tip.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #31
In Turkey, Saturday is actually known as Asshole Fuckface day, because Turkey was the home of the Ottoman Empire and home to the very first Asshole Fuckface. Its true. Sultan Abdul Hamid the second was the first. In the West, he was known as The Red Sultan, or The Great Assassin, because of the thousands of Armenians who died during his rule. He really kicked off the Armenian genocide.
When Hamid came to power in 1894, things were not going to well for the Ottoman Empire. Hamid needed a scapegoat, so he falsely charged the Christian Armenians with rebelling against his authority. He encouraged local Muslims to attack the Armenian people. And when Muslim refuges poured in from Europe, he told them to take Armenian land. Over a two-year period, 200,000 Armenians were massacred or died of starvation. A couple of years after his rule, the actual genocide kicked off. 1.5 million Armenians were killed between 1914-1918. Ever since those days, my people have carried the burden of picking the Asshole Fuckfaces out for the common man to see. Today, I will shine a bright light on the vermin of our world. So, put on a plastic burka, because this is going to be nasty.
Ohio never lets me down when I need a quality Asshole Fuckface.
Judge Mary Wiseman, of Montgomery County, is facing a challenge for her position on the bench from Judge James D. Piergies in the upcoming Democratic primary. The campaign is apparently getting quite heated, and by heated, I actually mean retarded. Turns out Wiseman is gay and Piergies is an Asshole Fuckface.
Piergies has claimed that Wiseman should excuse herself from cases involving the state ban on gay marriage and Daytons law banning discrimination against gays. Which makes sense, because her lust for other womens bodies completely overwhelms her trained and educated mind.
"If that were the rule, then Thurgood Marshall would never have presided over a civil rights case," Wiseman said.
Piergies said the situation was different for former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Marshall, who more than a decade prior to being named to the court, argued the civil rights case Brown v. Board of Education. But after acknowledging Marshall's support of civil rights prior to joining the court, Piergies then said perhaps Marshall should have recused himself from such cases.
Hows that giant can of asshole you just opened working out? Lets just make sure we have this right. Black people should not be able to rule on civil rights, that should be up to white people. And gay people should not be able to rule on gay rights, that should be left up to white people. Sorry, straight, white people. Dont get me started on the Asians!
Later, Piergies tried to back away from his Asshole Fuckface comments.
"It's the fact that she has an opinion on the issue that she's expressed and that she's well known," Piergies said. "What I'm saying is if you have a specific issue that violates the canon of ethics, then you should step aside."
What if your issue is that you are an Asshole Fuckface? How will you ever be able to honestly oversee cases of other Asshole Fuckfaces?
Next, up, its a vehicular Asshole Fuckface bonanza!
My fellow Los Angeleno, Carlos Gutierrez, went out drinking with his uncle and girlfriend, and then decided to take a nice drive home. At some point during the sloshy ride, Carlos became pissed at his lady and his uncle and forced them to get out of the car. Then Carlos threatened to run them over. Then he actually went ahead and ran them over. Then he must have felt bad, because he put them back in the car.
According to police, Gutierrez piled his mortally wounded girlfriend, Yolanda Martinez, 37, into the vehicle's back seat and propped up his uncle in the passenger seat. Then he drove to a gas station.
The pit stop proved to be the alleged killer's undoing. As Gutierrez reportedly struggled to operate a gas pump in Pacific Palisades, his uncle -- whose leg was shattered -- dragged himself out of the car and began screaming for help, authorities say. That's when people started calling 911.
Oops. His lady was dead when police arrived and his uncle had a compound leg fracture. Maybe they should have learned how to party.
Neither Gutierrez nor the uncle -- whom police have not identified -- seem to be able to remember where the crime occurred.
Nice going, drunky. But, hey, at least he hasnt filed a lawsuit against his uncle. That is what our next vehicular Asshole Fuckface did.
A Spanish businessman withdrew a controversial lawsuit Wednesday against the family of a teenage boy he struck and killed while driving a luxury car.
Tomas Delgado had filed a suit asking the dead boy's parents to pay him $29,400 on the grounds that the collision that killed their teenage son also damaged his Audi A-8.
I hope he also added in the cost of washing that kids blood and hair off his hood, not to mention his teeth in the grill. Unlike America, where we have no sense of community, the Spanish town actually showed concern.
Hundreds of people descended on a courthouse in northern Spain in a show of support for the boy's parents Wednesday. They broke into applause when word came that Delgado had dropped the suit.
Hey! What a great guy! He had a change of heart and realized he was wrong!
The businessman had insisted in a recent television interview that he was a victim, too. He was not present for a court hearing Wednesday. His lawyer told the court that Delgado felt that the extensive publicity amounted to a public lynching.
Oh. Hey, Asshole Fuckface, why so Asshole Fuckfacish? Delgado was originally cleared of any criminal wrongdoing, but his actions have caused the local prosecutor to take another look at the case.
A local prosecutor told reporters that he would take a second look at the case to see whether authorities can file fresh charges against Delgado.
Please. Make him suffer.
Next up, is there anything more Asshole Fuckfacish than strapping a bomb to a mentally retarded lady, sending her into a market and blowing her up with a bunch of other people? Turns out there is: Sending two mentally retarded ladies into markets and blowing them up with a bunch of other people.
Ah, Iraq. Some serious Asshole Fuckfacery going on in that nightmare of a country. But we seem to have hit a new low. On Friday 65 people were killed and 250 were wounded when two suicide bombers blew themselves up in crowded pet markets.
One Iraqi official who speaks for Qassim al Moussani , the head of the Baghdad security plan, said the women might have been mentally retarded and forced to wear suicide vests that were detonated remotely.
What a great moment that must have been for these masterminds. Convincing a couple of mentally retarded woman to wear the heavy vest, strapping it on them and sending them into the market. The feeling of righteousness must have been overwhelming for those heroes. They are truly a bright light in this dark mass called humanity. Hopefully in the future, they can strap a bomb to a toddler, or a puppy.
Witnesses said the bombers were women who'd slipped into the markets without being searched, as Iraqi security forces include few women and men aren't allowed to search women. Iraqi police are trying to recruit more female members.
Oh, get with the fucking 21st century, you stupid fucks. Asshole Fuckfaces abound in Iraq. Good luck making your country secure with your archaic, religious rules.
Finally, an Asshole Fuckface cop who doesnt seem to understand his job.
On January 10th, a 13-year-old girl ran away from her Brooklyn home. Naturally, she met someone who said they could get her a job dancing at parties. Typical entry-level job. That person then introduced her to a great lady name Zelike Brown. Zelike told the runaway she had bought her for $500 and she was going to have to work off the debt. Pretty much how we all got started in the workforce.
Then Zelike brought her home to meet her husband, Wayne Taylor, who was a New York cop. Taylor, using his academy training, decided to turn the girl out.
Taylor and Brown took the girl to parties throughout the city where she was told to have sex with about 20 men in exchange for money given to the pair.
Taylor instructed the girl to tell people that she was 19 years old and that she charged $40 to $80 for sexual acts, prosecutors said.
This is why Jesus invented the scrotal punch.
The two Asshole Fuckfaces used a house alarm to keep the girl hostage and told her if she tried to escape they would make her work on the streets. Taylor also made fun of her for not making enough money and once slammed her head into the floor.
Yesterday, the girl escaped and made her way home. Her family took her to the police and Taylor and Brown were arrested for kidnapping, promoting prostitution, assault and endangering the welfare of a child. Way to go, New York's finest! Hopefully, these Asshole Fuckfaces spend a few years in prison.
Congrats to this weeks Asshole Fuckface winners! You each get a FearTheReaper spelunkin' kit!
If You Fuck a Man, He Owns You
At least, some folks in Ohio are trying to make that the law--and with the current makeup of the Supreme Court, they man succeed, despite the precedent of Planned Parenthood v. Casey.
OH State Representatives Adams, Wagner, Brinkman, Uecker, Huffman, Fessler, Wachtmann, Barrett, and Goodwin are sponsoring House Bill 287, which states that
(1) When the fetus that is the subject of the procedure is viable, no person shall perform or induce an abortion on a pregnant woman without the written informed consent of the father of the fetus.
(2) When the fetus that is the subject of the procedure is not viable, no person shall perform or induce an abortion on a pregnant woman without the written informed consent of the father of the fetus.
Since we all know that women are lying whores, the good gentlemen (and one lady;* Rep. Fessler is a (brainwashed) woman) of Ohio have taken care of the probability that the murderous bitches will just lie and say they've been raped, or shamelessly claim not to know who the father is: you can't get an abortion for rape or incest unless there's a police report filed. Daddy raped you, honey? And you were too scared or conflicted to call the cops? Tough shit. If you've been whoring around and claim not to know the father, you gotta get a paternity test. Possible babydaddy not around any more? Too. Fucking. Bad.
According to Feministe, Representative Adams argues that
In most cases, when a child is born the father has financial responsibility for that child, so he should have a say.
Which, as we all know, is a popular argument about libertarian-leaning people who believe that if you just say men and women are equal, that makes them so--minor things like a woman's right to bodily autonomy are irrelevant, whereas a man's absolute right to determine where and when he incurs financial obligations must not, under any circumstances, be infringed upon.**
As Melissa McEwan points out, requiring a woman to get a man's consent for an abortion is *not* giving him a "say"--it's giving him veto power. It's not making men and women *equal*--it's making women dependent on men's permission to decide what they do and don't do with their bodies.
But you know, if women didn't want to belong to men, we shouldn't have chosen to have uteruses in the first place.
*Irony alert. Of course any woman who could cosponsor a bill like this would be completely ladylike--since "lady," by definition, pretty much means "a woman who's bought into the idea that her sexuality belongs to men."
**Before y'all even get into arguing this point, let me ask if any of the guys (or foolish women) who want to talk about how unfair mandatory child support payments are to men have considered putting their energy into lobbying for governmental child support as a single-parent entitlement? Because if you don't want guys who accidentally cause pregnancies to have to support unwanted children--and let me point out that child support is *for the child*, not for the woman, thankyouverymuch--then you gotta provide some way for the kids to eat. Of course, if you don't think kids are entitled to eat, then you're just a straight up asshole.
Bitch_PhD wants everyone to know that they can contact (politely, one hopes--gentlemen and ladies do expect to be addressed politely) the Ohio State Legislature here.
Some Seriously Bad Mojo Coming for Fat Boy Rove
The Office of Special Counsel is opening a "broad" investigation into the actions of Karl Rove and his White House political operation. Usually the federal investigative unit only goes after low-level government employees, but apparently the brazen arrogance and law breaking was too much.
The new investigation, which will examine the firing of at least one U.S. attorney, missing White House e-mails, and White House efforts to keep presidential appointees attuned to Republican political priorities, could create a substantial new problem for the Bush White House.
Currently there are several investigations being conducted by Congress, but this would be the first to unify everything under one umbrella. A horrible fat man named Rove appears to be the creature behind every political operation the Special Counsel is investigating. Most damning of all, this inquiry comes from inside the administration.
"This is a big deal," Paul C. Light, a New York University expert on the U.S. executive branch. "It is a significant moment for the administration and Karl Rove. It speaks to the growing sense that there is a nexus at the White House that explains what's going on in these disparate investigations."
The emails are the most exciting part of this investigation. The Democrats have discovered that the Republican National Committee maintained e-mails written by White House personnel under the domain name of gwb43.com. It is illegal for employees of the White House to use outside servers.
This is where it gets really interesting, according to Bob Fitrakis, political science professor and the co-author of "What Happened in Ohio? A Documentary Record of Theft and Fraud in the 2004 Election." He believes those RNC servers were not just used for illegal e-mail.
There is more than ample documentation to show that on Election Night 2004, Ohio's "official" Secretary of State website -- which gave the world the presidential election results -- was redirected from an Ohio government server to a group of servers that contain scores of Republican web sites, including the secret White House e-mail accounts that have emerged in the scandal surrounding Attorney General Alberto Gonzales's firing of eight federal prosecutors.
First of all, you have to be either retarded or ignorant to not believe there was election fraud in Ohio. The evidence is overwhelming.
Bush was losing Ohio late into the night. Exit polls showed a Kerry victory. Then, just after midnight, for 90 minutes, election results were frozen on the Secretary of States website. The explanation was that the state was waiting for the rural counties results. Apparently they didnt trickle in, they all came at once because 90 minutes later Bush was on top. By the way, exit polls are the main detector of voter fraud across the world. Just not in the USA.
So, what happened? We dont know. The Republican Secretary of State attempted to have the ballots destroyed but was stopped by a judge. Now the Democrats control Ohio and they are seeking answers.
The Republican Party controlled the technology that allowed the tally of the vote in Ohio to be reported to the media and voters. The incredibly odd results were routed by country election officials through the Republican Secretary of States office and the final results were hosted out of a computer in Tennessee. The Party created, owned and operated the vote-counting system that reported Bush's re-election.
Dont know if anyone has noticed lately, but the Bush administration doesnt give a shit about the law. Voter fraud would, quite simply, be within character. What will investigators find if they look into RNC servers? Maybe nothing, maybe a lot. Would they be dumb enough to use RNC servers? Wouldnt put it past them. But, most importantly, some crazy professor in Ohio wants investigators check it out, so they should.
Its Official: John Kerry Is A Pussy
An Ohio jury has convicted two election workers, Kathleen Dreamer, 40, and Jacqueline Maiden, 59, on one felony and one misdemeanor each for "rigging" the recount of the 2004 presidential race. A third criminal was acquitted. The three election workers had faced seven charges apiece. They escaped conviction on knowingly conspiring to break the law and violating their duties.
During recounts, Ohio law requires each county to select 3 percent of its ballots at random and then count them by hand. If those hand-counted results are different from the initial machine tallies, workers have to run a 2nd random test. If the results of the 2nd test are also dubious, then a hand recount must be held.
The three Cuyahoga County election officials were charged conducting a secret pre-count to find precincts without discrepancies and then using those precincts in the supposedly "random" 3 percent test. In other words, they rigged the recount.
In closing arguments, the prosecutor said that the workers rigged the recount out of laziness.
"This was not done for political reasons," Baxter said. "It was so you didn't have to do a full hand recount. Politics didn't matter."
Lazy or not the result is the same: We have to suffer through eight years of the worst president ever. John Kerry should feel proud that he conceded rather putting up a fight by sending in the lawyers as he threatened to do. Kerry lost Ohio to Bush by about 118,000 of the 5.5 million votes cast. Discrepancies and voter intimidation were reported throughout the state. The only conclusion we can draw is that John Kerry is a pussy.
Craftin' Outlaws in Ohio
Columbus, Ohio seems an unlikely location for an event called Craftin' Outlaws, but on Saturday, September 23rd, there it shall be. Featuring over 50 crafty vendors selling handmade art, gifts, apparel and more, the show will offer more than a handful in door prizes alone. Clamor is one of the sponsors for the event, so sample copies will be free to visitors, along with goodie bags and vendor discounts for the first 100 attendees. Columbus, Craftin' Outlaws is calling your name.
For more info, check out the Craftin' Outlaws website or myspace page. Those outside the ol' "Buckeye State" can shop online with many of the vendors from the show on their websites.
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Ohio Senator is a Full On Twunt
Things are getting ugly in the Ohio Senate race between incumbent Republican Mike DeWine and Democrat challenger Sherrod Brown. DeWine pulled a few pages out of the Karl Rove playbook by exploiting 9/11 and attempting to Swift boat his opponent.
DeWines latest television ad uses images of the Twin Towers burning while saying Brown has been weakening American security. This disgusting act is very reminiscent of the Bush-Cheney tactics of 2004 as they relentlessly and deviously attacked John Kerrys war record, while claiming to be the safest choices for America.
But reporter Bret Schulte of U.S. News & World Report thought something "looked awful, it didn't look right as he watched the ad.
After checking with an expert his suspicions were confirmed: The video was doctored. In the ad the south tower is in flames, with smoke pouring out.
The north tower was hit first, so the south tower could not be burning without the north tower burning." Also, the smoke on Sept. 11, the expert said, "was never in a halo like that."
The sad thing about the actual WTC photos is they just arent tragic enough. And the way the smoke is rising into the air is a tremendous disappointment when you are attempting to use the picture for political gain. Senator Ghouls spokesman admitted the photo was a graphic representation, while insisting the FACTS are correct. To prove they are good, stand-up folks, they will put in an image of the north tower on fire immediately. No apology for being horrible people, though. Oh, and DeWine didnt know the image was phony, so it's all good.
This disgusting deed comes on the heels of the Republicans freaking out after a commercial for Democrats showed images of American soldier's flag-draped coffins.
Veteran For Peace Graffitis, Gets Arrested. Again.
Graffiti, the international language of guerilla art, was the medium used in this recent war-protest related arrest.
From Forbes:
Mike Ferner, 55-year-old ex-mayorial candidate, councilman and member of Veterans For Peace, was convicted this week for spray painting anti-war messages on highway overpasses around Toldeo, OH on New Year's Day.
When asked why he chose to take the case to trial instead of pleading to a misdemeanor charge, he stated, "I saw this trial as a way to once again bring up to the public, in a nonviolent way, the atrocities that are going on in Iraq."
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Additionally, just three weeks ago, he was arrested for wearing a Veterans For Peace shirt in a V.A. Medical Facility.