Jonathan Kesselmans Suicide Watch: Mel, You Have To Fucking Be Kidding Me!
Alright, Ive had enough. I'm overwrought. I just finished watching Mel Gibsons interview with Diane Sawyer, and Mel, seriously, you have to fucking be kidding me! As I sat on my couch watching Mel mug and make contrite faces to Diane Sawyer over the course of his two-part, well-timed pre-Apocalypto interview, I had to restrain myself from kicking my TV in. Lets recap shall we
Mel told Diane Sawyer that when people get drunk, they dont express themselves correctly.
Mel: "Now when you're loaded, you know, the balance of how you see things it comes out the wrong way. I know that it's not as black and white as that. I know that you just can't, you know, roar about things like that. That it's wrong."
Really? Really!? Because Im a bit of a boozer myself. I also love popping pills in tandem. Fuck, I LOVE drugs and alcohol. And when Im drunk, I might walk up to a woman I dont know and make an ass of myself as I hit on her while slurring my words. You see, because in reality, if I wasnt drunk, Id sit in the corner wishing I could work up the nerve to hit on her.
When Im drunk, I sometimes lack the necessary judgment to determine whether or not my motor skills are up to the task of me driving home from a bar. Like you, Ive done it. Not at 90 MPH in a 45 MPH zone, mind you. But Ive driven drunk. I plead guilty. I am an asshole, and I kick myself for having done it. But I can happily say that Ive never found myself wasted in the back of a police car blaming the Norwegians for all of the wars in the world. Most Americans have gotten drunk before, Mel. And please spare me the its different for Alcoholics bullshit. We drunks know that you dont magically transform into Mr. Hyde when you imbibe. Mel, you on the other hand, gave the world a glimpse of your true secret-drunk identity: Dr. Jackass.
Mel: "Since I was a kid in the '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s and now in the new millennium, you can read of an ever-escalating kind of conflagration over there in the Middle East that
I remember thinking when I was 20, man, that place is going to drag us all into the black hole, you know, just the
the difficulty over there
You start thinking will I ever see my grandchildren grow up?
What's going to become of the world? What's going to press the button?"
Mel, like most of us, seemed to have a childhood that lasted approximately forty years. It was during these formative years -- the 1960s through the 1990s, that he focused a lot of his conflagrative concerns on the country of Israel. Now, Ive been there; they have a couple Jews its true. Anyway, I find that perhaps his focus on Israel (AKA The Jews) during this chunk of history might have been a wee bit narrow when you consider the other minor conflagrations that happened during this same time period. You know: Vietnam, Cambodia, Pakistan/Bangladesh, Bosnia, the Falklands, Grenada, Nicaragua, Afghanistan, Algeria, North Korea, etc...
Sawyer: "But there's a difference between saying that place is a tinderbox and the constellation of things happening there could take us all down, and saying the Jews are responsible for all the war
Mel: "Well, I did"
Sawyer: "The Jews are responsible?"
Mel: "Well.
Strictly speaking, that's
that's not true because it takes two to tango
What are they responsible for? I think that they're not blameless in the conflict. There's been aggression, and retaliation and aggression. It's just part of being in conflict, and being at war. So, they're not blameless."
So, what is Mel saying then, exactly? That the Jews, or the Israelis (you know, that sovereign nation in the Middle East) ARE responsible for all of the wars in the world? And that theyre also really good at a particular form of Argentinean dance? Im confused -- because if you notice, Mel doesnt ever really answer Diane Sawyers question about his proclamation that the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. He simply tells Diane that what he meant was that the Jews as a people were only partially responsible for one particular war that started and ended abruptly after the country of Israel was attacked by a terrorist group in 2006.
But what about now? Lets take Iraq for example? Are the Jews responsible for that one as well? I thought Weapons of Mass Destruction
no, Sadaam Hussein
no, 9/11
no the Iraqi peoples desire to be Freedom-ized
was/were the responsible party. Look, If George Bush is a Jew, than I apologize. Seriously. But Im pretty sure hes not. So can we at least give him credit for ONE war? Ive even included a cool link to a website that lists all current conflicts in the world. The World At War
If someone can back up Mels claim, that the worlds Jewish population, consisting of a teensy-weensy 14 million people is responsible for all of these listed conflicts, please email me at gofuckyourself@youanti-semiticpieceofshit.com to discuss further.
It was only after Mel stammered through this "well thought-out" rationalization (while Diane Sawyer watched on in horror) that Mel finally stopped trying to go off script and simply and emphatically stated, that no, he did not believe the Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world. Here in Brooklyn, I swear I could hear his team of LA-based publicists let out a collective sigh of relief.
Moving on
Mel said something else was bothering him the night he got arrested. Ill let Mel explain in his own words
Mel: "The other place it may have come from is, you know, as you know, a couple of years ago I released the film 'Passion.'
Even before anyone saw a frame of the film, for an entire year, I was subjected to a pretty brutal sort of public beating
During the course of that, I think I probably had my rights violated in many different ways as an American. You know. As an artist. As a Christian. Just as a human being, you know
I thought I dealt with that stuff. All forgiveness, but, the human heart's a funny thing. Sometimes you can bear the scars of resentment. And
it'll come out, you know, when you're overwrought, you take a few drinks. There was anger from that, I think.
My resentment stemmed from certain individuals treating me in a certain way."
Hmm. Go on.
"The film came out. It was released, and you could have heard a pin drop, you know. Even the crickets weren't chirping. But, the other thing I never heard was the one single word of apology."
Wow. This man has balls.
Let me take us back a few years, shall I? Two things I wont deny Mel Gibson: 1) He is a brilliant actor, and 2) He is a shrewd and intelligent businessman. Before the Passion came out, Mel, consciously or not, employed an interesting strategy. Basically, he screened his film on many different occasions and publicly stated that he would not allow Jews to see his film at any of these aforementioned screenings. He told the press that he wanted to build a grass roots following for the films intended audience: that the film wasnt quite ready for Jewish consumption.
Naturally, when you exclude one group of people from seeing something, that group will become curious and suspicious. This particular group, which has been victimized in the past, will probably become paranoid as well: maybe even start writing (a couple of us Jews seem to find our ways into writing careers) about the fact that theyre being excluded from viewing this certain something. This creates controversy, and speculation, and fear. This is sometimes known as PRESS. And Mel got a lot of it. So, his dead language, borderline-snuff film got talked about. A LOT. The fact that he wouldnt show it to the Jews, and the nature of the films content pushed all kinds of buttons relating to religion, faith, persecution, and fear. This helped sell a SHITLOAD of tickets. So much so, that it made Mel the wealthiest, most powerful man in Hollywood. Good move. As someone who works in Show Business, I dont fault the man for selling his one-act gore-fest the only way he could. I was curious. I saw the film. It sucked dick. Whatever. But what Mel did was to bait the Jews; he played on their fears by excluding them. So be it.
That being said, what really set me off during this pre-Apocalypto apology interview was when I heard Mel blame (yes, blame) his actions that drunken night on the resentment that he was harboring towards the Jewish people that he had baited years prior: the same people that inadvertently made him a very, very, very wealthy man. And then, the smarmy little fuck had the nerve to whine that no Jews ever apologized to him. I literally shit my own pants. Im not kidding. Theyre in the dumpster downstairs. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? Mel, this is your apology, you oily, slimy piece of shit!? Many Jews feel like victims. This sense of victimhood is shoved down our throats our entire lives. And trust me, Im not blaming Mel for that; its a fascinating and complex part of my heritage, and would take a whole other article to even scratch the surface of. But I will say this to Mel
nicely played! Make yourself, Mel Gibson, the billionaire movie-star, into the victim. Did Fox News write this shit for you?
To sum up the interview: Youre a drunk: boo-fucking-hoo. And clearly, being a drunk can excuse anything, from Pedophilia to Anti-Semitism, to Asshole-ism. And, youre really, really sorry. And finally, now youre a victim, too. It was a fucking one-man pogrom for you that night in Malibu, Mel, and you got ass-raped. Im sorry I was even offended in the first place.
Ill leave you all with this. Like Mel, I too am an American, I am an artist, and I am a human being. Im also a Jew. And as a Jew, I refuse to be a victim. That being said, Mel
Mr. Gibson, you can suck my certified circumcised dick.
Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. Jon is still waiting for Mel's phone call.
Johnny Depp Addresses the Gay Pirate Issue
In a recent Rolling Stone interview, Johnny Depp claimed he decided his character Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest should be a little flamboyant and a whole lot of fabulous.
Depp says he was intrigued by a scholarly work titled "Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition." I liked the idea of [Jack] being ambiguous," he tells Mark Binelli in the new summer double issue of Rolling Stone. "Because women were thought to be bad luck on ships. And these pirates would go out for years at a time. So, you know, there is a possibility that one thing might lead to another. You're lonely. You have an extra ration of rum. 'Cabin boy!'"
Didnt Depp state previously he used Keith Richards as a template for the role? Since when is Keith Richards on the d-low?
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Paid Character Transfers At Last?
There's been a lot of speculation about paid character transfers coming to World of Warcraft: mainly gossip and conjecture about cost, logistics, and--oddly enough--a lot of chatter about how it's somehow a very stupid decision on Blizzard's part. Last night, in the forums of all places, word spread about a leaked (but not really) internal FAQ document from Vivendi Universal Games Australia. Set to be published this morning, June 22nd, at 8am, the document claims that while the transfers are imminent, they will not be available across all reams. Yet. Blame load balancing issues. I just beg that Deathwing is included!
At a cost of only $25 per transfer, a figure much below other competing MMOs, Blizzard will surely be plating their gold--with gold.
On numerous occasions, I've seen the whimpering of multiple account owner players begging to be given the chance to transfer their characters to the same account, and now, with paid character transfer, you can.
Transfers between accounts are only allowed between accounts where you are the subscriber. To initiate an "account to account" transfer, you will have to answer the 'secret question' for each account, and the last name of each account holder must match.
The transfer process will take approximately 10 days to complete, during which you will not be able to play the character in question.
And to those wondering, no, you cannot transfer from a PvE server to a PvP server. However, for those hating the ganked life in STV, transfers from PvP to PvE are allowed.
No official date has been released.