Sometimes American’s stupidity really amazes me. When we jump into Lake Idiot, we go really deep and get really wet. The most glaring example today is the Birther movement. Birthers believe President Obama was not born in this country and, therefore, should not be president. They believe he has a counterfeit birth certificate and he is going to kill us all. Or something like that. Obviously, the fact that he is black has nothing to do with it.

These people also went nuts while Bill Clinton was president when they called him a rapist and a murderer and every other horrible label they could come up with. Now, it’s Obama’s time. But, holy shit, could you latch onto a dumber conspiracy theory? They are very, very serious about it and are now making life difficult for the Republican representatives because nothing is being done about this terrible miscarriage of justice. Just check out how poor Representative Mike Castle (R-Del.) fared at a recent town hall meeting a couple of weeks ago.



They just stood up and recited the pledge of allegiance. It’s astounding how ridiculous they are. You could not even parody them, as they have hit the limits of mocking. They are living, breathing satire.

But it’s not like all Republicans are shying away from the dumbest movement ever. Some are jumping right on board.

Nice work. You guys don't at all seem crazy. But how can they not be? Rush Limbaugh has taken up the cause and is now making comments on his daily tard fest.



And now Lou Dobbs has taken up the cause of the biggest idiots in America.



Mind-boggling. And even more so because Obama is not a Mexican. I guess Lou is branching out. This kind of coverage is not helping the situation. It makes the Birthers think they are winning - but make no mistake about it, they are not winning - except in the clowns of the year competition.

The Birthers have been trying to prove Obama is not an American citizen in court ever since Obama declared his candidacy. And each and every time, the courts slap them down on the grounds that they are cartoonishly insane. Birthers put the full court press on electors last year, in a final attempt to stop the Muslim spy from becoming president. Sadly, they failed.

This shockingly stupid movement began during the primaries, when rumors circulated on blogs and low rated right wing radio that Obama’s middle name was Muhammad (Because Hussein wasn’t scary enough). That naturally transitioned into questioning his birth certificate and we were off and running. Facts are totally unnecessary and will be dismissed no matter what.

The Obama campaign actually released a copy of his birth certificate but it was deemed a fake by experts who sit in their homes tapping away on their keyboards. The Birthers said the certificate didn’t have a raised seal or a signature, even though it has a raised seal and a signature. Easy mistake to make. Although, they were inspecting a digital version online and I don't know if you know this but NOTHING has a raised seal online. Weird and kind of spooky, isn't it? The certificate “claimed” that Obama was born in Honolulu at 7:24 p.m. on Aug. 4, 1961.

And there was a birth announcement in the local paper, which was obviously a lie put there by God to try to test people’s faith, just like he did with dinosaur bones. The Birthers believe the Obama family could have phoned the announcement in from Kenya – where he was really born! See, the family obviously knew that they would eventually move to Hawaii and raise this young black child named Barack Hussein Obama to be president. That's why they grabbed a easy to reach phone in their hut in Kenya and called Hawaii. It was the perfect plan! And totally not true!

Liar! You have so much to gain by hiding the truth! And Obama would have Arab terrorists kill you!

Of course, now that Pat Boone has taken up the cause, it’s become serious business. When Pat’s in the game, you’ve got to watch your ass, hence the term, “You’ve been Booned.”

Not until you show proof of talent.

The reason I decided to write this article is because I saw one of their billboards on the I-5 last weekend.



They are throwing this nonsense up all over the country. The sad thing is this is the kind of shit that led to the creation of militias and all the right wing hate groups when Clinton was in office. All it takes is one lunatic, who is driven insane by the fact that our president is illegitimate, to do some serious damage. The right wing fringe is seriously going over the edge and we need to keep an eye on them.

But at the same time, we should be laughing at them every chance we get. Because they are completely insane.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Happy Asshole Fuckface Friday. It’s time to make yourself feel better by taking a look at human filth. That’s what the baby Jesus said to do. “If you want to feel better, look at people who suck.” It’s in The Bible somewhere. Chapter 8, I think. So, let’s get our favorite plastic suit on, because this is going to be nasty.

First up, some soldier Asshole Fuckfacery.

Apparently, if you are a really stupid soldier, you can refuse to deploy because of myths. Meet US Army Major Stefan Frederick Cook. Today he is the dumbest Asshole Fuckface on the face of the Earth.

It’s a good point. Also, you shouldn’t have to serve if Obama is hobbit. Or a changeling. There really is no need to go into the Birther argument. If you believe Obama was not born in Hawaii because he was some secret baby spy sent by Muslims to be the first black president, then you aren’t worthy of a response. You’re clinically insane.

Oh, but this story doesn’t end there. Turns out Cook volunteered to go to Afghanistan, so he didn't have to sue. He could just ask to stay in the US and the Army would say, "okay."

Does the story end there? Oh, good God no. Turns out Cook worked for a private Department of Defense contactor named Simtech Inc. I say ‘worked’ because he was fired after he filed the lawsuit against the president. Yeah, it’s kind of dumb to file a frivolous lawsuit against the people you work for. See ya!

The Freepers are going batshit crazy over this one, by the way. Cook is the new Paula Jones.

Next up, an old favorite Asshole Fuckface returns.

Pat Buchanan has an interesting take on the whole “Sarah Palin quit and people are talking about it” thing. Palin's ex-son-in-law Levi Johnston’s has been yacking to the media, and Buchanan, in turn, in mouthing off about Levi.

Oh. Um. You do know you just said one person should murder another person on live television, right? Simply because he’s being critical? He’s a 19-year-old. You know, a young kid who was dragged into the national spotlight by Sarah Palin and now has some personal issues with Sarah and her family. But, yeah, he should be killed for saying things.

Nice work. You should be allowed to speak your horrible, racist mind as much as you want.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface law.

You know what’s better than having parents who are horrible? Having to pay their bills.

Can't I just kill them instead?

Seems totally reasonable. Hey, why not sue the fucking neighbors! And the family dog, as well? Why is it being let off the hook?

Good work, America!

And finally, some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week, the Congressional Budget Office released an estimate for the House’s health care bill: One trillion dollars over 10 years. That’s about the same as an Iraq War, if you’re looking for comparisons.

Of course, the AP reported it quickly.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did we accidentally use a different, 33% larger number? Well, we are the AP and we’re basically Fox News at this point, so we went with that one. Oh, but we have a reason.

OH, a house AIDE. That's what you're using to override the CBO? Right, good "reporting." Let’s fuck up one of the most important debates our country has ever had with lies. I mean, they did it with the Iraq War, so why not healthcare as well? The AP is still running with the number, which is totally unverified. And the number is starting to spread, like a virus.

It’s a lie, propagated by Ron Fournier, the AP Washington bureau chief, who is a right-wing nutjob. Basically, the AP is a shill for the right wing, a shell of its former self, an embarrassment to journalism and helping to ruin America.

The AP can no longer be trusted as a news source. Be sure to spread the word.

Image courtesy of Pixelmarx.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Most of the time I get the Republican mindset. More often than not, it is just team vs. team. Their astounding hypocrisy knows no bounds. When in control, they say one thing, but when not in control, they immediately flock to the position they formerly criticized. It’s actually quite amusing. As far as big business goes, they’ll bend over anyway they can and have quite a few Americans convinced screwing themselves over is the way to go. Their economic policies have destroyed our country and I find it hard to believe they still stand behind their ideas, but they serve their corporate masters, so I get it. Yet once again, they have come with an attack that is so shockingly stupid it is beyond my comprehension. Their attacks on Obama over his decision to not strongly criticize the Iranian government are astoundingly stupid. You’ve got to wonder if they actually believe taking such a ridiculously stupid stance is real, or if they will just say the opposite of whatever Obama believes.

Well, first of all, we are not for human rights all over the world. That’s the dumbest argument ever made. We just aren't. We never have been and we never will be. We’re about money and that’s all we are “for” all over the world. To believe otherwise is to deny history and reality.

But let me back up for a moment and just focus on Iran. If there is one country in the world that we owe the favor of staying out of their business to, it is Iran; America has already ruined Iran. The reason Iran is a theocracy is because of the United States of America. It’s called fucking yourself in the ass. It is one our greatest failures. We did more than “meddle” in Iran; in 1953 we helped to overthrow its democratically elected government, installed the brutal Shah and sent Iran on the path to dictatorship. It eventually led to the Islamic Revolution. That’s called “Blowback.” In the 1980’s we supported our friend Saddam Hussein in his war with Iran, which cost hundreds of thousands of Iranian lives. We even shot down an Iranian passenger jet in the ‘80s. Can you imagine if Iran had shot down one of ours?

Now, after years of belligerently stupid foreign policy, Obama has taken a different tact. It’s actually smart, which I’m sure confuses the Iranian leaders. They had become accustomed to the ignorant and simplistic responses of George Bush. Obama has chosen to take the “soft diplomacy” route and it’s already paying off. During his Cairo speech, he addressed Iran.

It’s hard to call someone the “Great Satan” when Satan is admitting mistakes. I know that’s difficult for the idiots in the GOP to understand, but that’s how it works. By not responding in kind, Obama has shown the belligerence of Iranian leaders to Iranians. They have been on the path to democracy for a long time. It’s a very slow one and should be. Iranians were already upset that their president’s language has caused economic isolation. It is causing massive unemployment and now that the US president is not responding like a mirror belligerent idiot, the focus is on one man as the problem: Ahmadinejad,

But the Republicans want us to keep swinging the big, dumb stick – because it's worked out so well over the past 8 years.

No, actually, they question if we believe in our principles because we support brutal regimes like Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Pakistan. They’re not idiots who believe in words over action. Those are your minions you are thinking of.

First, I don’t think in the closet gay guys should be talking about leading anything, not that being gay has anything to do with Senator Graham. Second, I cannot believe anyone would be so dumb as to not understand that if we take a side, then the Iranian government can call the protesters “tools” of the United States. Seriously, how can you be that stupid? I honestly can’t understand it.

Also, the idea that Obama making a harsh statement would have an uplifting affect on the Iranian protesters is shockingly arrogant. Get over yourselves. How is this supposed to work?

Protestor: Today I take to the streets for my vote! I am willing to die for this cause. Justice must be served!

Obama: The Iranian leaders are super bad. I’ve got your back with words but not action!

Protestor: Oh, man, I was only kind of into this stuff, but now I’m really, really into it! I will now overthrow my government because some dude living in another country said he likes me.

That pretty much seems to be what people like McCain and Graham actually think is going to happen. One “atta boy” from the president and the game is changed. America likes you! Now you can have an awesome revolution! It’s so moronic I can barely wrap my head around it.

In reality, the statement McCain and company want would do serious harm to those Iranians taking on their government. Once they are labeled as associated with the United States, they will be murdered. As of now, the security forces are actually showing restraint. But Republicans seem to think having a segment of the Iranian population aligned with “The Great Satan” is wise. Amazing. And I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. I’m believing them to be sincere. If they are not and this is just another political game and they are criticizing Obama because they want to take the opposing view due to party politics – then they are more disgusting than I could ever imagine because lives are on the line. That is inexcusable.

The sad thing is the protesters aren’t even asking for western type democracy. Most Iranians want a religious government of some sort. What they are in the streets fighting for is the small bit of self rule they were allowed. As one man in the street said, “They’ve taken away the sham of electing someone.” Republicans, and many other Americans, are putting their own spin on it. At best, they want to believe a democracy will emerge from this mess, but that’s not part of the equation yet. This is just a small step in that direction and it’s going very well. (At worst, do they even care about democracy? It's not like Republican's were actually that keen on counting votes or even allowing all eligible Americans to cast them in recent elections.)

The Iranian government will never be the same. Ever. For us, that’s a pretty good deal. So, let’s stay out of this one. We have two reasons for doing so. First, our involvement would backfire on those people we want to succeed. Second, we owe them. We own the Iranian people for every horrible thing we have done. We owe them for subjecting them to 26 years of a brutal dictator followed by 30 years of an oppressive religious government. We did that and it’s time to take the moral high ground.

If we don’t – you can pretty much guarantee the opposite of what we want
will occur.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Holy shit there were a lot of Asshole Fuckfaces this week. I almost couldn’t fit all the nominees into my man purse. But, I did. Then I whittled them down to a manageable number and sorted them by color. After that, I lathered them in butter and dried them in the sun. Once dry, I threw them on the roof and the first four that slid back down became this week’s picks. It’s called science and it works very well, so put on your favorite leather lab coat because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some border protecting Asshole Fuckfacery.

This one is epic Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame material.

Meet Shawna Forde. She’s from Washington State, used to be the executive director of Minutemen American Defense and was named Bush's "operations director" for the Minutemen’s actions along the border. She even hosted an anti-immigrant “Summit” which was attended by Tom Tancredo, Duncan Hunter and Fred Thompson. Obviously, being a leader of the Minuteman, Shawna is a complete lunatic.

But that’s just talk. Now we have proof of her lunacy because she entered the home of some brown people and killed them.

Thanks for protecting us from that 9-year-old girl, Shawna.

Right. If you can’t raise money to protect America from donations, go rob and kill a drug dealer and his child.

Well, she was Mexican or the daughter of a bad person or something, so she deserved to die. Please put Shawna and her Asshole Fuckface friend in prison with the Mexican Mafia. Thanks.

Next up, some GOP racist Asshole Fuckfacery.

It’s pretty difficult to go an entire week without stumbling across some delightful Republican racism. See, back in the old days they sent hilarious racist emails to each other and laughed and laughed and laughed. But now they have a huge problem: The president is black. So, when they try to take their fantastic racist jokes and apply them to the president, it brings them a whole bunch of attention. Bummer.

First up, South Carolina GOP official Sherri Goforth posted a hilarious picture up on Facebook. It’s of all the presidents. The last one is a bit weird, though.



Ha ha ha! He’s black! I get it! You can only see black people’s eyes. Because they’re black! Get it! Weeeeee.

Fucking wrong list. Clearly that was the problem.

Second is South Carolina GOP operative Mike Green. (Good week, South Carolina!) Mike has discovered Twittering, which means he can spread his hilarious racist jokes further.



Ah ha ha ha ha. Get it? Obama is black, so he’s against everything white and good. I love it! But, Mike realized he had made an error.



Totally. Your error being you made your racist comment in public, believing everyone thinks the way you do because all your friends are racist.

Next up, some presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

Barack Obama took a deep dive into Lake Asshole Fuckface this week with some heinous bullshit. First, Barack and his hoard attacked gay Americans in a way religious zealots would be proud of.

Sweet. Nothing like shitting on people who supported you.

Oh, good, you compared gay marriage to incest. Nice work, Obama peeps. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was probably not a good idea to have a Mormon, who was hired by Bush, to write the brief, especially considering it was not even necessary. But, hey, it’s working out well, because the gay community is furious and bailing in droves. (Pssst, you're supposed to be on their side)

Good work, all around.

Next up, more presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

Obama is having one hell of a week. First his crew spit in the face of gays and then he went and pulled a big, fat Bush.

Now, that is the transparency we were looking for.

Yes, let’s ignore the TWO RULINGS by the courts and go on about our merry way because we didn’t have enough presidents ignoring the law over the past eight years. But, hey, he did warn us he was into this kind of stuff.

Hell yeah!

You tell 'em!

Whatever it takes to win, eh, liar?

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I have to admit, the greatest thing since Obama took over the presidency is watching Glenn Beck’s quick descent into insanity. It really is epic theater and could easily have been a movie, or a television show. He is completely out of touch with reality – and it’s fucking awesome. It’s as if the crazy conspiracy guy at the coffee shop got his own show. It may actually end with him pulling a Smith & Wesson out and blowing his brains out on live television. And I am not in any way kidding. That’s how crazy and awesome Glenn Beck has become.

Becks’ ratings have been skyrocketing, much like Mister Rodgers would have if he had begun smearing his trains with feces and ranting about how Mr. Greenjeans was going to put us in camps. A couple of weeks ago, the kids at Morning Joe on MSNBC decided to take a closer look at Glenn and they found a man on the edge of sanity, weeping openly on television.



Jesus, why don’t you lube up America, enter it anally and make sweet ass love to it? Just to be clear, that is not a man doing a show, or a character, that is a guy on the edge of a mental breakdown. Unfortunately, I have no sympathy for this impaired lunatic because he is a right wing fucknut. The crazy thing about the right wing is they already have no grip on reality, whether it be science, economics or foreign affairs, they have nothing to base their horseshit on. But The Beck has brought it to a whole new level.



What could possibly be seen as odd about that picture? It's just a guy sitting next to a close up of his eyes. How incredibly not odd.

The man has taken fear and consumed it. Fear is Glenn Beck’s bitch. And the man we are to fear, this Obama character, is so shockingly less destructive to our civil rights than his predecessor it is astounding. George Bush woke up every morning and tried to figure out a way to make us less safe, while he shit on the flag. Obama has pulled back on so many (certainly not all) of the crazy, rights destroying policies of Bush it is insane. But we are supposed to believe Obama, the guy who did not invade a country for no reason, is the next coming of Hitler. Holy fucking shit.

Glenn is quite concerned about our guns. He believes Obama is going to take our guns away. Now, I’d like to point out that if you believe Obama is going to take your guns away, you should have your guns taken away, because you have the intellectual capacity of a rodent. You are shockingly stupid and beyond pathetic. There is zero evidence this will occur in the future and Obama has emphatically stated he has no intention of doing so. So, stop it, you morons.

Glenn is also horrified by the prospect of socialized medicine. It would obviously ruin our country. It would be like opening up a bunch of USSR sponsored Chuck E. Cheeses. Please pay no attention to the fact that Obama has never proposed socialized medicine, never campaigned for socialized medicine and has even said a single-payer health system will not work. Yes, there are no plans for socialized medicine, only universal healthcare, which is pretty much the opposite of socialized medicine. It means the private sector is, you know, providing health insurance and care and stuff. Nonetheless, because Obama wants to provide fake socialized medicine, he is a Nazi. Because if there is one thing the Nazis were about, it was a national single-payer healthcare system. That’s actually what Nazi stands for: National All Single (cough, cough, what?)



That is fucking insane. He is the lunatic who should be wandering the streets and screaming at trees. He’s pretty much got the same take on every subject. Last week Glenn commented on a New York Times article that stated Obama was going to take on immigration reform. Obviously, everyone, right and left, agrees we need some sort of change when it comes to immigration. Glenn had an awesome take on the news that Obama was planning on dealing with immigration.

True dat. Was he done there? No, next he pretended to pour gas on someone.



Look, there is not much difference between a new immigration policy and shooting Glenn Beck in the head. I actually think it should be the first step taken by the administration. It is amazing that this man is allowed to spew such nonsense on national television. You can do anything you want, as long as it gets ratings, even if it is a man’s mental breakdown.

Ratings are ratings. You actually don’t need a huge number of people to watch your show in cable to be a star and there certainly are a large number of insane right wing lunatics who believe what the Glenn is telling them. They are being stoked and enflamed by his complete and total nonsense. For liberals and Democrats, this couldn’t be a better thing. It’s another big face for the Republicans to wear for the American public. He’s worse than Rush Limbaugh and that is quite an achievement. At least when Clinton was in office, they went after him for stuff that could actually be real. The Whitewater mess, Travel gate, getting blowjobs from interns is all spectacular criticism compared to what lunatics like Glenn Beck are doing now.

And feel free to enjoy some Glenn Beck poetry,, which he recites everyday on his show.

WRONG WITH US

Put these people in jail, put these people in jail,
Put them in jail, what is wrong with us;
We knew this guy was in the country,
He was -- he has been in the country
And extradited before; we have thrown him
Out of the country, then we brought him back, and
Then we threw him out and he came back again;
What the hell is wrong with us, what is wrong with us.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 11, 2009)

Just sit back and enjoy the madness of Glenn Beck, it couldn’t be better advertising for the left.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

The Republican self-destruction has transitioned from amusing to completely ridiculous. I’d like to say Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s response to Obama’s speech is their bottom, but I really don’t think it is. Republicans appear to be a rare type of animal that have no ability to learn and adapt. It’s not often you get to watch people run into a burning house, but that is exactly what they are doing.

It is, quite simply, amazing to watch.

For those of you who missed Bobby Jindal’s epic career ending speech, take a look.



This is the guy Republicans decided was going to out Obama Obama. Maybe Republicans haven’t noticed, but Obama is pretty good with words. Jindal speaks like he’s meeting each word for the first time. But that’s not even the most disturbing aspect of this mess. The content is the problem –– and it’s something Republicans still don’t get.

For quite a long time, I thought Republicans like Jindal were members of the Reagan cult. But they are not. It is now clear they are members of the George W. Bush/Karl Rove/Rush Limbaugh cult. This speech was littered with lies, spin and shockingly outdated ideas. It’s as if they haven’t learned a thing since 1992. They came to power during a time when the press was, quite simply, not doing their job. Republicans were free to do as they liked, without any sort of pesky oversight. Now these clowns are attempting to operate in the same manner and they are being eviscerated as a result.

Bobby had no idea his remarks would be picked over and analyzed, (because he doesn't know how the Internet works), so he lied. He lied to make Republican policies fit reality. Here’s a tip: If you have to lie to make your policies seem decent –– you’re not doing so well. Here’s another tip: Just because a guy has brown skin, it doesn’t mean he’s the answer to the new black guy.

The fact that Republicans chose this awkward man to make their rebuttal speech is quite sad. This is supposed to be their new shining star. This was the guy who was going to hit it out of the park. Why? Because he is clinging to the same ideas that lost Republicans control of the House, the Senate and the White House. Not only is he sticking with those failed ideas, but he’s also brown. What's not to love? He's saying stuff old white guys say –– BUT HE'S BROWN. It's like God gave the GOP a gift basket, except when they opened the gift basket, they discovered it was full of turds.

Jindal is far from the only Republican who doesn’t realize it’s not the '90s. The new Republican Party leader, Michael Steele, explained to the faithful at CPAC this week that the GOP made some mistakes.

“My bad?” Really? Well, I guess we’re going to act like we’re surfers who just fought over a wave. Yes, your bad with the whole ruining the economy and lying us into war. And in true Republican style, Michael then decided to keep on keeping on.

Good. Keep it that way. CPAC is a disaster for the GOP. Every year, conservatives get together to watch their leaders give speeches they can masturbate to. And the press goes –– and they report back on the insane, completely out of touch nonsense that has taken place. The GOP's rhetoric and fear-mongering about “socialism” is a classic example from this year’s cult gathering.

Totally. Stalin would probably have voted for Obama. Stalin was super into Universal Health INSURANCE. Historians say that each day upon waking, Stalin would say to himself, “How can we get more insurance up in this bitch?” Stalin was all about keeping private businesses, which people need to survive, alive and kicking, instead of replacing them with government run healthcare. If anything, he is best known for working with private companies to implement national health INSURANCE. Oh, and he killed 20 million people.

Every time these idiots open their mouths, they show themselves to be extremists. The last thing Americans want is extremists running the show. We sort of had that for the past 8 years and it didn’t go too well. Republicans should be taking things in a new direction. That’s what anyone with awareness would do after two brutally devastating elections in a row. Instead, they have decided the best thing to do is go full steam ahead, deeper into the valley of lies and insanity.

Totally. Get back to calling Democrats Socialists. Go backwards. Way, way backwards. To a time before the Internet, when one could blatantly lie during the State of the Union rebuttal. Constantly throw the term “socialist” around, even though most people under 30 could give a shit and don’t see it as the terrifying threat the old folks do. Why don’t they see it as a threat? Well, probably because you clowns have been calling people who are not socialists, “socialist” for so long, the true meaning of the label is gone. Poof. You ruined your own boogyman, idiots.

Sure, some of you tools will say that liberals do the same thing. You are right, many liberals called Bush a fascist. Many. Just not THEIR FUCKING LEADERS. Not the people running the party. And they certainly didn’t do it when Bush was insanely popular after 9/11, mostly because they have a brain in their head and the tiniest bit of political awareness. People love Obama. His ratings are very high. Which means the way to beat him is not to attack him and call him names, but to come up with what you consider to be better ideas. By attacking him, you are attacking the majority of people who support him. That’s obviously a FAIL.

But Republicans have decided the way to go is in the direction of willful and blustery ignorance. Those arguing for another way, well…

You're not in good shape when Tucker Carlson is the voice of reason. But that's their answer. “No.”

No to reality.

No to facts.

No to a future.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

President Obama will visit Ottawa on Thursday. On the agenda are talks regarding the tanking economy, Canada’s withdrawal from Afghanistan in 2011, energy securtiy and Alberta’s oilsands. You can bet Arctic sovereignty will receive at least passing mention, though how far either Obama or Prime Minister Harper are willing to run with it is another question. No real news, there.

State-side, Obama very recently signed off on an almost $800 billion dollar bailout package, while the Federal government here has been busy dolling out the money from our own $40 billion deficit spending spree.

Bruce Campbell, not the actor of B-movie fame but the director of Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, a left-wing think tank, recently released a report condemning the Harper government for “piggybacking” on the American stimulus package while failing to offer any genuine leadership or initiative to combat the failing economy at home. "Rather than talking about the virtues of free trade with the American president, the Conservative government should be implementing its own 'Buy Canada' policy in order to create jobs here in Canada," Campbell told the CBC.

Indeed, the NDP party was quick to champion a “buy Canadian” amendment to the federal budget, a suggestion that was dismissed with contempt by the Conservatives and, of course, not included in the final budget. Obama, for his part, told Canadians they “shouldn’t be too concerned” with Buy American provisions when he talked to CBC news on Tuesday, February 17, 2009.

In a conversation with Chris Hedges, political philosopher Sheldon S. Wolin spoke of the many troubles facing the Obama administration in the months to come:

As if the shitty economy wasn’t enough, the unraveling situation in Afghanistan refuses to go away too, and Canada is ready to get the hell out when our commitment ends in 2011. To date, over one hundred Canadian soldiers have died in Afghanistan, and with very little that any politician can show for it. For his part, Obama has angered many of those of the anti-war persuasion by committing to raise troop levels in Afghanistan by over 50% in the coming months, something that amounts to approximately 17,000 troops being sent to the area if the New York Times is to be believed.

With such doom and gloom on all major fronts, it is easy to see how Obama and Harper will be unwilling to talk in depth about the “dirty oil” problem facing North America’s energy security. It’s just too goddamn sticky.

However, the pesky issue that many would rather was swept under the carpet is being thrust into the limelight by affected Micisew Cree and Athabasca Chipewyan First Nations and the environmental group Forest Ethics, who placed a full page advertisement in USA Today urging the President to consider the implications of using “the diritiest oil on Earth.”

Alberta, for their part, denounced the whole ad as nothing but special interest groups raising disproportionately loud voices, citing their recent “20 Year Plan” for “Greening the Oilsands” as proof of their commitment to the “sustainability” of oil sands development. The 50-page document published by the provincial government, however, offers no insight into how this will be accomplished.

Like a true optimist, Obama told CBC’s The National that “technology” will solve the filthy problems created by stripping the oil out of Alberta’s bitumen deposits. The issue has long been on the people''s agenda for Obama's trip. As a president who made Change his trademark, pulling America from the teat of cheap oil has got to be among his top priorities. He is undoubtedly going to lean on Canada, in some way, to take one for the team, or so he would have Peter Mansbridge believe.

I have no illusions that the grip Canada or America has on the teat will lessen voluntary any time soon, but better we let up now and save ourselves the trauma of a violent separation later.

Speaking of violent separation, Harper has also said he would not even consider bringing up the case of Omar Khadr with the visiting president. All three opposition parties have publicly called upon the Prime Minister to appeal on behalf of Khadr, who was arrested as a minor in Afghanistan in 2002, and who has been held, since, in Guantanamo Bay. That’s shitty, hey?

So, when Obama and Harper are hanging out Thursday, enjoying Ottawa’s finest beef on the public’s tab, we can all rest assured they will be talking about “issues that matter.” Our respective media establishments have assured us that it is so, and thus we can go on with our dreary, doom filled day with no fear: America’s president and his semi-elected Canadian counterpart are on the case. Hell, Obama’s friends with Spider-Man, right? Shit, no problem! They got this shit on lock-down, right? Right?!?


Dean Jensen lives in Winnipeg, MB, where he writes for The Manitoban.

In less than a week, president elect Barack Obama will be President Obama. Shortly thereafter, he’s promised he’ll be taking his act up to Ottawa for a meeting with Prime Minister Stephen Harper. As of now, no date has been set for this meeting, but Reuters is announcing agenda updates regarding the controversial oil sands issue. Many in Canada have been discussing the president-elect’s upcoming visit. Indeed, it’s the talk of the country if the CBC is to be believed on this one. They’ve even gone so far as to put together a “Canadian playlist” for the President to present to him upon his arrival.

Yeah, weird hey? Of almost equal interest in the Canadian media are the issues that the President –– who campaigned with the promise of “Change” –– will discuss with a Prime Minister who clings to power through a series of parliamentary holding patterns and whose policies over the last three years have mimicked the Bush administrations as far as the minority government’s weak mandate allowed? Where, if any, is the common ground these two share?

An aside here for those who don’t live in Canada: I figure this “minority government” business ought to be explained straight away. An editorial in the recent edition of Canadian Dimension lays it out like this:

Presently, Stephen Harper’s Conservative party does not hold a majority of seats in Parliament, but something like 144 out of 308. Over the last month, he has held on to control of the government by suspending parliament in the middle of an economic crisis. His hold on the country is tenuous, with something like 38% of votes in an election where turnout was lower than 60%. (A previous Newswire post, It's a Leftist Takeover, Canadian Style, broke it down rather well.)

What common ground could they possibly have? Stephen Harper appears like a goofy, yet sinister robot programmed into the body of a Child of the Corn, while Obama appears to be a genuinely decent person, as far as politicians run. Or maybe I’m wrong.

Time will tell –– and Reuters is telling me right now –– that Alberta’s oil sands development, a key part of the outgoing U.S. administration and Prime Minister Harper’s Conservative party’s North American (key word being “American”) “energy security” agenda. Steve admits, frankly, “We've got to do a better job environmentally” in the tar sands.

Harper then goes on to explain, however, that “the development of these things is pretty important, in our judgment, to North American energy security.” If you have heard this fucking guy talk about anything, you'll know this means he doesn’t give a shit about anyone's security but his own; He will continue in any direction that will keep Alberta’s –– and his own –– fortunes flowing. Secondary concerns, such as the environment, are quickly pushed to the side in Harper’s Canada, as proven by his track record for slashing federal funding for environmental organizations and initiatives.

The tar sands development poses serious threats to the environment, as it involves tearing down a boreal forest that covers most of the northern half of the province in order to suck oil, at massive cost in terms of money, fresh water, energy –– not to mention the ecosystem. Northern Alberta is a goddamn mess, plain and simple, and in tearing up the earth, they are wreaking major environmental damage to not only the immediate area, but the entire watershed, which flows northward into the North-West Territories, poisoning the water and food sources of many communities downstream.

Fort Chipewyan is a fucking awful example of what is happening already up there without the additional multi-billion dollar projects planned. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet were so concerned, they even scampered northwards to check out the tragic scene this past summer. The dollars invested in developing this dubious source of petroleum are staggering. Fresh water is diverted from rivers and used to steam thick bitumen oil from the soil in a process that takes approximately 4 liters of fresh water to produce 1 liter of bitumen oil. That water is then left to sit in “tailing ponds” close to the Athabasca river, where migratory birds die by the hundreds every spring and fall.

The list of fucked up shit involved when discussing the tar sands is astronomical. Just where Obama will stand on this issue, among others, will certainly set the tone for the relationship his administration will hold with Prime Minister Harper’s (minority) government –– should it last long enough to enjoy a visit from the new president. Will Stephen Harper try to navigate the waves of change and abandon his hard-nosed shit blind backwoods neocon trip for the easy sail? Time will tell, I guess. Nothing to do but sit here and wait on it…

djensen lives and writes in Winnipeg, Manitoba

One of the great things about Obama taking over is we get to watch corrupt, horrible government employees lose their jobs. Take the Pentagon. Last month, the Obama team announced 90 douchebags would not be coming back. They didn’t actually use the term “douchebags,” but let’s face it, that is an extremely appropriate description.

A fucking email? Holy shit. How much of a complete and total asshole do you have to be to receive a termination email? I think dogs get better treatment. Of course, these people should actually be in jail, so they are getting off easy.

Now, if all was good in the world, we would be able to watch live on video as these people received the news of their future non-employment. But sometimes the world is cruel and we only get a bit of their public crying.
Special assistant to the Secretary of Defense, Jim O’Beirne, was none to pleased at the manner of notification.

I will. You’re a bunch of cunts. You ran a frightfully pathetic war and ruined our military. That’s just a guess.

Um. Yeah. One man’s “politics” is another man’s insane “ideology.” O’Beirne explained it was their adherence to the Bush doctrine that played a part in their termination.

Jimmy, those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Can you give outstanding performances during the worst presidency in the history of our country? Is that possible? Doesn’t that mean your outstanding performance greatly contributed to the epic failure? I think it does. “Hey, I was the treasurer of Death Town,” doesn’t get you much with me. Going full speed doesn’t mean shit if you’re going the wrong way. You can pat yourself on the back for driving 170 miles an hour, but if you ended up in Fresno, it’s still a massive fail.

To see who these people are, we need only look at the now fired Jim O'Beirne. He’s one of the guys who helped turn Iraq into a complete and total fucking mess. Ever heard of the Coalition Provisional Authority? They were the guys who spent their time trying to implement a flat tax in Iraq, while a religious war took hold. They were trying to get the Baghdad Stock Market rolling, while suicide bombers blew up everything in sight.

If there is one book you should read to understand how poorly the war was run in the first year, it’s Imperial Life in the Emerald City. It is a shocking and brutal account of the extreme politicization of the Iraq War. And it was all done at the hands of guys like Jim O’Beirne. Here’s an excerpt from the book.

Yes, abortion. During interviews to determine whether people were qualified to rebuild Iraq. Abortion. Take a moment now to remember what Jimmy said in that email.

This is the guy now complaining like a bitch about how he and others were fired. Welcome to the world of irony, Jimmy. If you asked a qualified government employee with experience in nation building, whether he was for or against Roe v. Wade and then excluded him based on his views on abortion, that was “outstanding performance.” This is exactly what Jim O'Beirne did. Experienced individual after experienced individual were excluded based on their political beliefs. The State Department was completely excluded from post war planning, because they did not adhere to the insane ideological plans of neo cons like Jim O'Beirne.

Today we should celebrate the pain and removal from government service of O’Beirne. He is a shining example of the worst our country has to offer.

That’s why Iraq turned into the epic disaster it is.

And now you're not anywhere. See how that works?

Imperial Life in the Emerald City should be required reading for every American.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

For those of you who haven’t been following, Obama chose shocking asshole and homophobe Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Many have explained to those who are offended that they have no right to be upset because this is a move of inclusion. They say Obama is reaching across the aisle. It’s about bipartisanship. It’s about him being a president to everybody. Uh, yeah. If you believe that you are one stupid motherfucker.

Obama, of course, gave his usual response. We’ve really all got to work together and come to an understanding and agree to disagree. Yes. Also, bigots are fine. The one problem with Obama’s comments Ñ aside from the shocking hypocrisy Ñ is that they can’t stand up to one simple argument: Would he invite a racist to give the invocation? No? Why not? They’re many racists in this country who deserve to be included in this administration. They are, after all, Americans. We really should reach out to the racists. How will we come together as a country if we don’t?

But he would do no such thing, because racists are bad, while gay haters are okey-dokey. That’s the message Obama has sent with this decision. And they just won’t shut the fuck up about it. Biden opened his clam hole yesterday.

Anyone think he meant homophobes? Really? Did you think he meant racists? No, of course not. Just homophones. Got it.

And he divided us further. It only serves to remind one group of people Ñ the ones who were left out of the victory on November 4th, the ones who were told they were less than by more than one state, the ones who are simmering with anger that they really don’t matter, that they are not part of the equation. Obama doesn’t have to reach over to that side of the aisle because he’s sitting there.

Let’s not pretend like Barack Obama supports gay marriage. He does not. That’s why proponents of Prop 8 were able to use his words in ads supporting the ban. Many seem to think Obama is for gay marriage but can’t say so because of the political climate. Bullshit. He has said he is not and that is where the truth lies.

And I get the inclusion thing. Look, Barack wants to work with all people. He wants to bring us together. Why, just take a look at these inclusive words.

Oops, my bad. He was talking about Reverend Wright. Sorry, I get confused when figuring out which religious guy is bad and which is good. Comparing gays to pedophiles is not using “words that degrade individuals” and obviously has a “place in our public dialogue.”

Obviously, he is a horrible man. Rick Warren, on the other hand, is fine. All he does is stuff like urge the assassination of foreign leaders and compare gay marriage to incest. No wait, this speech was given during the election, so it doesn't count, right? That was only for political reasons, but now he's being himself. Is that it?

Obama has picked someone George W. Bush would have picked. This is no different; this is not change in any way shape or form. There are a shitload of pastors who make respectful, civil arguments against gay marriage and abortion and a litany of other fucked up views. I disagree with them, but at least their opinions are not disgusting. Obama didn’t go that way. He went with a guy who couldn’t be more of a hateful fuck when it comes to gays. He picked a guy, who up until yesterday had a web page up that said gays were not welcome at his church. That’s how we disagree without being disagreeable Ñ by finding the guy who uses the most disagreeable language possible. A guy whose views are simply heinous.

But, yeah, America needs this kind of asshole to feel like he is a part of things because guys like him have been feeling so powerless for so long. Oh, woes the mega church pastor. Gay people, on the other hand, have been experiencing WAY too much inclusion and power for too long. Oh, wait; Obama let them have a marching band at the inauguration. Guys like Warren used the exact same type of language when they made arguments against interracial marriage and they didn’t stop because they were included. They stopped because they were shamed, as God intended.

Obama’s “inclusiveness” is no different than the Congressional Democrats “compromises.” It is never to the left, only to the right. I had a very tiny bit of hope that Obama would be a better president than Clinton, but that hope is dying as I watch his administration take shape and the choices he makes. I'm not surprised, given Obama's FISA vote, which was an ugly indicator of things to come. Clinton courted the right on matters of business and America paid the price with deregulation and cuts to social services. Now Obama looks to pick up the torch, but with one difference, he’s going to court the right on social issues.

And that is where the danger lies. Because by including these bigots from the right in this government, you are leaving out a large group of people. The religious fanatics do not do inclusion. They do exclusion.

Obama is courting “Non-negotiable” Warren. There are those you work with to get things done and those you don’t. These are the people you don’t, unless of course, you have an entirely different agenda. Maybe you just want to stay in power, so giving in to the evangelicals makes sense. Maybe next time around Obama can have Pat Robertson give the invocation.

And make no mistake about it; this is a very important honor. This ups Warren’s profile and nudges him towards becoming America’s new spiritual leader. Many have made an argument that some evangelicals do not like Warren because he invited Obama into his church. No, shit, dumbfuck. Obama’s not trying to peel off the very right evangelicals, he’s going for the young ones who follow Warren. And in doing so, he is tossing gay Americans off the boat. It is a shockingly divisive move.

This is another sign of the end for liberals having any sort of say in this government. This is marginalization. It’s been going on for some time, especially with our current Congress, but now Democrats have an Obama to go along with their Reid and Pelosi party. The religious right took over the Republican Party and now they have their sights on the Democratic Party and Obama is going to open the door wide.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Saturday. This is the day the Lord set aside for good people, like myself, to point out and mock horrible people, like Steve Guttenberg. In churches and other holy sites, it is known as Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. In a perfect world, there are no Asshole Fuckfaces and the movie Twilight was never made, but the world is not perfect, so I must do what I must do. I spend the week scouring the news for the worst of the worst and then I drag them into the light for all to see. This week was a gloriously shocking week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put wrap yourself in your couch slipcover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some new president Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take Barack Obama long to make the Roundup, did it? This week Obama thought it would be a great idea to choose Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Super.

Rick Warren is just one of many hateful, horrible pastors who preach ignorance and stupidity on a daily basis. Warren is from the Saddleback mega church in Orange County, California. He strongly supported Prop 8, is against stem cell research, compares abortion to the Holocaust, he just gave George W. Bush an “International Medal of P.E.A.C.E.” and has compared gay marriage to pedophilia, polygamy and incest.

Gay people are told they are not welcome at his church on his website.



There is no excuse for Obama picking this Asshole Fuckface to give the invocation. I know, he’s reaching out to people. Specifically, he’s reaching out to hateful douchebags. But Obama says Rick Warren invited him to speak at Saddleback in August, so why not have Warren speak at the inauguration? I mean, a church and America are totally the same thing. And spitting in the face of a few million supporters can only help, right?

Hey, let’s also make sure to invite some anti-Semites and racists to take part in the inauguration. I mean, we need to agree to disagree about you being less than human, do we not Barack?

And for those of you morons thinking I feel betrayed by Barack Obama, you couldn’t be more off. This is why I didn’t support him strongly. He is far from a liberal. But compared to John McCain, he’s the greatest president of all time. But John McCain would have also invited Rick Warren to give the invocation, so who’s to say?

Next up, some judicial Asshole Fuckfacery.

Have you heard of the splendid Asshole Fuckface Bernard Madoff? He was the mastermind behind a massive fraud scheme, one of the biggest in history.

On Thursday, Asshole Fuckface US Magistrate Judge Gabriel Gorenstein put Madoff under house arrest. Exactly how much money does one have to steal before they are placed in jail without bail? Maybe it’s $100 billion.

Oh, no. Not the houses in Montauk and Palm Beach! Why so cruel? And a 7 p.m. curfew? Why not just kill the man? Can you imagine being trapped in your penthouse around dinner time every night? It’s so horrible, I can barely read it.

This is a splendid example of everything that is wrong with our country.

Next up, some horrible corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

In 2007, Misty Ann Weaver realized she was in a bit of a spot. Weaver was a nurse for a plastic surgeon and she had not completed some paperwork in a timely fashion. So, she took most obvious course of action: She set a fire.

The entire office building sort of caught on fire and three people died of smoke inhalation. Did you notice they didn’t die from the hot, hot flames? Nope, they died from smoke. So, obviously, the insurance company shouldn’t have to pay, because, you know, smoke from a fire is now “pollution.”

Creative! And very Asshole Fuckfacish! The only pollution I see around here is the insurance company. Comedy! BAM! POW! SOCK! WHAM!

Finally, some awesome child rearing Asshole Fuckfacery.

I, FearTheReaper, will be a father in May. I plan on calling my child Dangerous Top Reaper, because I want him to have a great future. My thought process is similar to that of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who gave their children wonderful futures by naming them JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

I totally get Adolf and Aryan Nation, but Honzlynn Hinler? Seriously? What nickname do you go with? Honz? Wrong. Just wrong.

The children’s names came to the national media’s attention because the local Shop Rite wouldn’t make a birthday cake for Adolph Hitler.

Hmmm. You are sort of missing something there. Although, the Campbell’s seem totally reasonable.

Good luck poking a hole in that argument.

It is a bit shocking. When you name your child after a man who killed 6 million people, you don’t expect all the hubbub.

Um.

No shit, bro. Hitler was so 1940s. Also, you named your son after HITLER.

Exactly, it’s not fair to your children. Ahem.

Waiting.

Not fair. Children. Name.

Anything?

Hello?

Go ask Rapey McGee. His life has been a bitch.

Of course. Hitler would be so proud. Wait, maybe he is.

Oh, God, make it stop.

Well, sure. I'm not seeing anything to make me think otherwise.

And no worries, Wal-Mart made the cake.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

As of the December 10, 2008, Barack Obama's transitional government website allows users to submit questions for direct response. Users are also able to vote on the questions, to promote those considered more worthy of attention.

I think this is brilliant, I have always thought there should be more direct interaction between a leader and the people. Britain has a government petition website allowing the public to add their vote to causes they deem worthy, however, I have often found the official responses to be confusing and indirect.

'The Transition' has asked the people for their opinions on selected issues, and now they invite you to return the favour. I hope the current trend of interactive political interest will continue. I also hope no less-popular but still deserving issues will be ignored due to the question-voting system.

Here's to change.

Will the Republican crying ever stop? It is pathetic to still have to listen to some Republican child whining about the perceived positive media treatment of Obama. It’s absolutely hysterical when you look at the facts. McCain was the media’s boy. They practically gave him rimjobs for months, until he turned into an incapable, angry old piece of shit. Then the media actually did its job. And the right wing douchebags can’t handle it.

The most amazing thing about this incessant bitching is how Bush was treated for the past eight years. As the nation's most shockingly pathetic president, Bush was hardly touched by the press for years. The man is a fucking war criminal and he was constantly given the kid glove treatment by the press. He should have been raped. By words. Seriously. The man should have been raped by words. I don’t know how that works technically, but it should have happened. Every single day.

But let’s move beyond the blatant hypocrisy and look at the actual facts. Before McCain went insanely negative and decided to lie his way to the White House, the press loved him so much they would have cleaned his dirty balls with their tongues. They were his base, according to Chris Matthews.

Aw. That’s nice. Overall, Obama received very fair media coverage.

Hmm. Not so bad, right? Sort of. Turns out the media were more negative toward Obama and positive toward McCain at the beginning, and then it turned. Maybe it started out well because of the McCain media barbeque.

Yeah, that’s some quality journalism. If Obama had held a barbeque for the media, America would have shit pure bile. But nobody said a word about Grandpa McCain grilling up some meat for the media. As a matter of fact, they loved it.

Did he tickle you on the couch?

Must have been awesome. I’m surprised they didn’t start spooning McCain to sleep at night. A flurry of positive McCain stories followed; sometimes reporters slid into a weird man love situation.

Um. Do you guys need me to leave?

Meanwhile, Obama was getting the brunt of repeated negative attacks. His trip to Europe was too much. The media feasted on his connection to Reverend Wright for months. His connection to criminal Rezko was picked through obsessively. One of his consultant’s comments on NAFTA was falsely twisted and blown out of proportion, causing him to lose big in Ohio during the primaries. His lack of flag pin wearing was talked about incessantly. Oh, and was he patriotic? Hmm, better ask the people.

And the wife was not off limits. Michelle made a gaff during a speech about whether or not she was proud to be an American and the media went apeshit. And occasionally she was called a bitch.

She must be a black militant, I mean, she went to Harvard.

The truth of what happened is that the media followed the polls.

The little baby Republicans are just upset because they don’t remember what it’s like to be on the other side. McCain dug his own grave by running the most heinous campaign I’ve ever seen. Lies, racism, more lies and focusing on bullshit points when America was on fire led to his negative media coverage. He dug his own grave. The media coverage was a reflection of the worst run campaign since the mighty Rudy Giuliani.

And the negative coverage wasn’t gone. It ebbed and flowed, like the mind of John McCain.



That big dip before the 2nd debate was when the media was bringing up the Ayers nonsense over and over. It didn’t stick, mostly because our country was in the middle of dying and people didn’t give a shit about some “terrorist” not convicted of anything 30 years ago. What they did care about was the shockingly pathetic choice of Sarah Palin, McCain’s insanely retarded choices during the beginning of the economic meltdown and his angry persona during the debates. Turns out making stupid decisions and being an asshole doesn’t lead to positive stories. While McCain was melting down and making mistakes left and right, Obama was running a smooth and smart campaign, giving the media nothing to attack.

Then McCain began began attacking the media because he was so used to being their lover. No longer were the media editing out footage of John McCain not knowing the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, as CBS had done two months earlier. Now the media were doing their jobs.

And the ensuing election result went as expected. But the right wing and other idiots can’t help but try to rewrite history. Yesterday, Time magazine’s Mark Halperin opened his dumbhole and let loose.

Oh. Let’s have an example, shall we?

Oh, shit. The story really didn’t talk about her awesome mothering skills Who says that without then pulling a hammer out of a bag and hitting himself in the head?

Huh. None of that black militant stuff? This would be due to the fact that they couldn’t find anything. And because the media and the public weren’t biting on the usual bullshit stories. Now, let’s take a look at some ideas Halperin had for McCain early in the campaign. From a list of what McCain should do to beat Obama:

That’s the guy who thinks the positive media treatment of Obama was disgusting. He’s basically Mr. Crybaby Shit Pants. The media didn’t destroy Obama using fucked up and bullshit attacks, so they didn’t do their job. The media didn’t sink to the lows they usually go to, because the nation is literally in peril and the consequences of focusing on issues that don’t matter could be huge. This election was not treated like a game, as it usually is and McCain suffered because of it. In years passed his “the fundamentals of the economy are strong” comment would have been ignored in favor of talk about Ayers. McCain was nothing short of an angry idiot during this campaign and the coverage was a refection of reality. He was a shit candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Obama was an amazing candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Get over it you immense babies.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Asshole Fuckfacing is upon us! Thrusting and pounding on our precious innocence every single day! We must cleanse ourselves with a thorough reading and understanding of their actions. Then, we must heap scorn and ridicule upon them! That is what the baby Jesus would have wanted. Trust me, he totally would have. Also, that John Smith guy would have been down with it, too. As would all of his wives. I have scoured the Earth to bring you the worst Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet. Hold on to your burlap sacks, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, an Asshole Fuckface shows off for his wanna be lady.

Meet Anthony Zitnick. He’s a 21-year-old who is doing what he can to impress 16-year-old girls. Back where I was from, that was considered to be some serious loser behavior. But I don’t want to judge people from Florida for trying to bang underage girls, because it is an awesome state.

Back in 2005, Zitnick did a little yard work for a gentleman named Alan Rigerman, after Hurricane Wilma. Rigerman gave Zitnick a key. Oh, and Rigerman legally keeps “two cougars and several snakes, tortoises and alligators at his home.”

Uh oh. Cougars, a 21-year-old has been and the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. This isn’t going to go well.

Yeah, Zitnick decided to show off. He took the 16-year-old girl to Rigerman’s house. Enter cougar stage right.

Seriously, thanks for helping out, Zit. I know, it’s totally shocking that the cougar is attacking the walking meat sack you brought by. Please, don’t move.

Oh, man. It's like the classic movie moment, where the nerd brings a girl to meet a cougar, the cougar bites and starts eating her head and then the jock saves the day.

The girl was released from the hospital after being treated for injuries sustained in a kitchen cougar attack.

Hopefully they treated him with a kick to the balls.

Next up, English Asshole Fuckfaces shouldn’t be on juries.

Last July, Jane McKenna, 33, and her husband invited another couple over for a barbeque. At some point the other couple had an argument and the woman went home, leaving Jason Jeal, 37, to sleep on the McKenna’s couch. Then everyone went to bed.

Yes. Dude was raping mom while she was in her 9-year-old’s bed. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault. His DNA was found on Mrs. McKenna. So, he went with the obvious defense any of us would use: I was asleep when I raped you.

And it worked.

Man, that first time sleepwalking is a bitch. You get in all kinds of mischief!

A jury of complete and total Asshole Fuckfaces. "Sorry, I was asleep," is now officially an excuse for rape.

Next up, the ultimate Asshole Fuckface opens his yap.

Karl Rove is by far one of the worst human beings alive. This week he wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal, in which he gave advice to Barack Obama.

Um. Wait. re you actually giving Obama advice on politicizing the Department of Justice? You? The guy who instigated the political imprisonment of the former governor of Alabama. The guy who oversaw the firing of US Attorney’s because they wouldn’t conduct fraudulent political prosecutions? Oh, and thanks for bringing up the name of the guy who investigated you but couldn’t prosecute because the administration engaged in lying and obstruction of justice.

The ironic hubris is astounding. But you will always look like that, so I consider it a win.

Finally, an Asshole Fuckface knows whom to blame for the California fires.

You can always count on some religious lunatic to make a connection that would cause Jesus to vomit. This week it was James Hartline of the James Hartline Report. Jimmy took a look at the fires in California and right away knew the cause: Gays. Seriously, what else could it be?

See, God hates the gay agenda. That's why San Francisco is always engulfed by hell fires. Seriously, it's like gay blow torch up in that bitch.

“Advocates of Sexual Anarchy” are a great band. I think. Honestly, I don’t know what he is talking about. It sounds like a band, though, right?

Massachusetts. Seriously. Huge hole in your gay fire theory.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Asshole Fuckface Roundup. You’ve been waiting one whole week to read those sweet, sweet words. And now here they are, staring you right in the face. I know, you’re excited and a bit nervous. That’s what happens when we learn about the worst human beings on Earth. We know it will bring us both joy and misery. That’s the crazy contrast that is the round up. But you will read. Oh, will you read. So, wrap yourself in your favorite used parachute, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckfacery from the L. Ron Hubbard peeps.

A Sydney woman in her early twenties was having some mental health issues in 2006. A psychiatrist diagnosed her with a “psychotic illness” and recommended a course of treatment. That’s where the Scientology thing became a problem.

I bet this is going to work out great!

Oops. I can’t believe they couldn’t get all those Thetans out of her. This is really confusing. They totally got their Tom Cruise on and it didn't work.

Put one win in the Scientology victory column. They saved that poor girl from psychiatry.

Next up, a little Ku Klux Klan Asshole Fuckfacery.

We can always count on the KKK to be horrible, but this is spectacular. Last week, Cynthia Charlotte Lynch, 43, of Tulsa went down to Louisiana to join the Sons of Dixie, also known as the DixiTards. She met the group through the Internet.

Apparently they have a difficult initiation and Cynthia was not down with it – even though it sounds awesome.

At some point, Cynthia decided running around in the woods and shaving her head was kinda lame. She decided to leave. The Sons of Dixie leader, Raymond "Chuck" Foster, 44, was not down with Cynthia leaving. I mean, they had spent all that time shaving her head and chasing her around in the woods, so it was pretty unreasonable. Cynthia and Chuck argued. Then he pushed her to the ground and shot her.

Was the awesome stupidity over yet? Fuck no. These guys are epic Asshole Fuckfaces.

Hey, do you have a bucket for holding human brains and a body buryin' shovel?

Aw. They probably didn’t even get to play dress up.

Next up, Mormons instill Asshole Fuckfacery in their spawn.

Madison County, Idaho is a Mormon hotbed of Mormonness. There are talking salamanders and weird underwear everywhere. In 2004, 92 percent of the votes in Madison went to George Bush. Rexburg, the main town in Madison, goes by the slogan, "America's Family Community."

Naturally, they hate Obama, because he’s all black and presidenty. We found that out through the actions of their lovely Mormon children.

Fun! What kid doesn’t remember riding the school bus and chanting for the death of a newly elected president?

Uh, yeah. Second and third graders just came up with it out of thin air. They had no idea what it meant. That’s why they were chanting it. This town certainly has no history of kids doing fucked up shit.

What up Children of the Corn? What’s Malachai been up to?

Finally, let’s take another dip into White Supremacist Asshole Fuckface Lake.

Daniel Cowart, 20, is one of the skinheads who had a shockingly lame plan to kill Barack Obama and a school full of black kids. Last week he was indicted by a grand jury in Memphis with plotting to kill Obama, possessing a sawn-off shotgun, carrying guns across state lines to commit crimes and planning to rob a licensed firearms dealer. But Danny doesn’t think the indictment was fair and has asked for the indictment to be dismissed.

Damn. Tough break.

Huh. Bummer for you. Enjoy the rape house.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

It’s hard to figure out the worst George Bush accomplishment. It’s a smorgasbord of horrors. The Iraq War is obviously up there, as is the slaughter of the economy. But, for me, it’s the rule of law. Without law, we cannot function as a democracy. The depth of shameful decisions throughout our justice system is staggering. Obama is facing a very ugly task in trying to clean up the Department of Justice because it has been turned into a tank of unqualified, partisan, religious nuts.

This summer, the Office Of Inspector General and Office of Professional Responsibility at the Department of Justice issued a joint report about the Department of Justice’s hiring program under Bush. Turns out, it was not so great.

This is my personal favorite.

Destroyed. Papers destroyed at the Department of Justice before an investigation began! That’s not a good thing for the guys who are enforcing the law to do, right?

Now, due to this flawed hiring process, the Department of Justice is full of clowns. Monica Goodling was the religious nut selected to do the hiring. She is a graduate of Regent University and she hired people from Regent University.

Hello, theocracy! The rules for hiring were changed by Ashcroft and Gonzalez, in order to make it easier to hire fools nobody else wanted. And fools they got.

So, now Obama faces a serious situation. The Department of Justice has been turned into a partisan organization, broken the law and is full of unqualified religious nuts. It should be cleaned out like a pumpkin (and a smiley face carved into the side).

But that creates other problems. Morale usually isn’t helped by a gutting. Also, it’s not the idiot’s fault for being hired by another idiot and some of them may have actually become okay at their job. I doubt it, but it’s possible. Those who came to the Department of Justice to push their ideological agenda will not last, anyway. The rule of law and non-partisanship will return and they will not like that change. They will be driven out because they will not want to work at a job that suddenly restricts the abuse they have become accustomed to inflicting.

Even with all those reasons, Obama should gut the place. Everyday those tools remain is another day the Justice Department is on the wrong track. Too much damage has been done to repair it slowly. Because of what the Bush administration has done, the job may not be the best resume builder for young attorneys anymore. The longer the rot stays, the harder it will be to rebuild the DOJ’s reputation. A massive firing could possibly change that quickly. And besides, it ain't exactly a party up in that bitch now.

Hopefully, the tools will bail on their own and turn it into a husk. An Obama Department of Justice will look very different. We already know he will resurrect the obliterated Voting Section of the DOJ’s Civil Rights Division. Earlier this year, Obama "derailed" former Voting Section head Hans von Spakovsky’s move to the FEC.

He no likey. I could give a shit if the next Attorney General is a liberal, conservative, Democrat or Republican. I’d just like him or her to actually give a shit about the law, because it’s been eight years since we had that.

Whoever Obama picks has to investigate warrantless wiretapping, figure out the legal status of the kids at Guantanamo, torture, the firings of US attorneys and quite a lot of other Bush administration bullshit. Having the Regent idiots around when trying to do that may not be the best idea.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, well, well, look who’s back. You just can’t stay away, can you? Like the taste of a good Asshole Fuckface Roundup, don’t you? You need it. You yearn for it. At this point, you’re like a heroin addict. Good thing I stocked up a nice little pile of horrible, horrible people this week. And make no mistake about it; they are truly some of the worst people ever to walk the Earth. So, put on your filth-proof robe, this is going to be ugly.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface opens his mouth. Good old Glenn Beck.



Really? You’re hanging with the kind of people who were actually hoping McCain would get nominated and then die? Those are some awesome peeps you're kicking it with. But, what would I know? I'm just a crazy liberal who didn't have one friend who hoped Obama would die so Biden could take over.

Just soak this in.

"Exactly." The other guy AGREES because he's been hearing the same fucking thing!

Thanks for not saying that on the air before the election, Glenn. Mighty Christian of you. Seriously, though, you are horrible people. You make demons look good. But I’m sure Jesus would be really happy with the direction you took his teachings. Enjoy Fox News, you Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckface Nazi comparisons.

Well, they tried tying Obama to terrorism, socialism, communism and, I think, rape. But none of that stuck and they lost the election. Now, what to do? How about whipping out the Nazi card? James Dobson sent out a fundraising email comparing the Democratic victories to the Nazi bombing of England during World War II.

Please, I’ve been waiting patiently. All this Nazi beating around the bush talk is driving me crazy.

And blah blah blah. Democrats are going to rape your women and even make boys get abortions. That’s just how they roll.

Were the Republicans done there? Oh, hell no. Don’t you people understand Obama’s going to put people in concentration camps?

Word. "Arbeit Macht Frei," is German slogan that was on the gates of several of the Nazis' concentration camps, including Auschwitz. Then he threw in a link about the Soviet’s forced labor. Asking for community participation is so very much like the Soviets and Nazis, I can barely stand it. To be specific, this is what he is talking about.

CLASSROOM CORPS!!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about you Asshole Fuckfaces let him get into office and start a war before you start calling him a Nazi.

Next up, some Alaskan Asshole Fuckfacery.

I had no idea Alaska was the most fucked up and pathetic state in the nation. But after getting a glimpse of the hellhole because of Sarah Palin, Senator Ted Stevens and Congressman Don Young, I am amazed at the horrible corruptionfest Alaska has become. What a shitty excuse for a state and an even shittier excuse for lawmakers. This week, they decided just to steal their little election.

Yeah, that’s weird. Wonder how that happened? Let’s see, while the rest of the nation was voting in huge numbers on Tuesday and Alaska had seen a 12.4 percent increase in voters during the primaries, suddenly voters just dropped off the map. Never mind that the primary increase was seen BEFORE Palin was on the ticket, they just decided not to show up with their own governor as the VP candidate. Oh, and that wasn’t all.

New felon Stevens was down by huge margins in the latest polls, across the board. Same goes for Don Young. But they won!

Republicans, of course, said the turnout was low because Obama was declared president at 7:15 pm, before polls closed. And the Republican victories just happened to be across the board.

Huh. Yeah, that’s just a crazy coincidence. Thankfully, whatever kind of shit they pulled on election day may not work because of still yet to be counted early and absentee votes.

This is the same state that had more people voting in some districts than registered voters in 2004. After the Democratic Party sued to get the election data, Alaska refused to give it up because of “national security” concerns. Fuck off, you corrupt Asshole Fuckfaces. I now agree with the Alaskan Independence Party. Please secede from the United States.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckface cobweb cleaning.

Galen Winchell of Georgia was tired of looking at those cobwebs on his house. And he’s an Asshole Fuckface. A normal guy would have used a broom. Not Galen.

How'd this start?

Uh, I don't know.

Is that a blow torch in your hand?

Uh huh.

Did that start the fire?

Nah, I was just using it to clear cobwebs.

I can’t believe that didn’t work out. That’s what Home Depot says to do with torches.

I assume they were happy because the cobweb problem had been taken care of.

Also, don’t use it to cut your hair. Or to clean the upholstery in your car. Or to clean you skin. Or to groom your dog. Or to heat your fish tank.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Yes we can…but will we? Obama challenges the cynics, but are we really wrong?

On Tuesday, Chicago's Grant Park flooded with a myriad of Obama enthusiasts to hear his acceptance speech and echo his refrain of hope and change: "Yes we can." The speech was not merely a gracious acceptance of Obama's decisive presidential win, but also a nod to the historic milestone of his successful campaign and admonishment to those who doubted American's capacity for evolution. "If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer." The crowd reveled in this joyous, momentous occasion, and blogs and newspapers alike attributed that message –– "Yes we can" –– as a sign of more change to come.

I was born about a mile from Chicago's Grant Park during a serious economic recession much like the one we are mired in today. My father, a college graduate who was unable to get a job amidst the turmoil, turned to selling drugs in the very neighborhood that Obama calls his home. My mother stayed home with me and battled severe and worsening mental illness, which even if we had possessed health insurance, would not have been covered. Despite these setbacks however, my parents both struggled to find and keep work, and with the help of Pell Grants and scholarships, I was able to go to a university of my choice in California.

President-elect Barack Obama has made progressive issues like health care and education, issues that so acutely affected my family, the cornerstone of his campaign, but at the same time he recognizes that above all pulling this country out of economic crisis will color the first years of his presidency. "There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor's bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair." His plans for economic revival through investment in clean energy and infrastructure repair are innovative and show foresight that goes far beyond his four or eight year administration.

But while Obama's policies might be the change we need, choked-up excitement at an acceptance speech or even Obama's election as a whole does not automatically foretell success for his progressive legislation. Obama told us on Tuesday to "summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other." And as onlookers teared up and waved their flags, California began tallying the votes that would decisively smash two green initiatives –– Props 7 and 10 –– and uphold a constitutional amendment that would disallow same sex marriage. Californians also said no to Prop 5, which would have expanded drug rehabilitation facilities for juvenile offenders and decrease sentences and parole for nonviolent drug offenders (like my father).

Yes on 8 activists (the proposition that bans same sex marriage) consistently used footage of San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom prophetically saying, "As goes California, so goes the nation," and the prophecy is frightening. If California, bluest of blue states, can’t pass green initiatives or drug crime reform, will Barack Obama be able to inspire a wary, financially distraught nation to invest in clean energy? Health care? Higher education? Barack Obama says, "Yes, we can," and though his election shows that Americans can vote for change, it also shows we must ask another question –– Will we?

And though I was able to go to college and start my career, my family continues to struggle. My father has changed careers twice as a result of his tech job being shipped overseas and struggles with debt accumulated from the subsequent unemployment. Will we help him? My mother, despite the fact that Congress recently passed a measure forcing insurance companies to cover mental illness the same as physical illness, will still be more likely to get the costly treatment for her liver cirrhosis than the condition that drove her to drink. Will we treat her?

I will never underestimate Barack Obama's ability to surprise us. Just a year ago he was a long shot candidate for the Democratic Party with too many factors working against him –– his blackness, his inexperience, and his so-called "liberal" agenda. Only a candidate like Obama could bring a nation together under the progressive reforms we will need to see us out of our economic, environmental, and international crises, but his ability to accomplish this affords little guarantee this will occur.

Will we?

The election is upon us. Today may be the largest turnout for a presidential election is US history. Many people are predicting 130 million voters will turn out, which is unprecedented. The large turnout will happen for two reasons: The first is Barack Obama’s Barack Obamaness. He is the most talented and gifted politician we have ever seen, and he will be our first black president, which has increased voting among minorities to a level never before seen. The second reason for the rise in voters is straight up stupidity. The other side is frightened of Obama because they literally have piles of shit where their brains should be.

I know, I know. This is a new day. I should be kinder and be a good winner. To that I say, “Go eat a dick.” You are a herd of Neanderthals who need to pick up a book (besides the one) and maybe switch to a different news channel. The enormous amount of absolute horseshit many Republicans believe is nothing short of astounding.

Let’s start with the Muslim rumor. How fucking dumb do you have to be to believe Obama attended an anti-American Christian black church AND that he’s a Muslim? Can you please hit yourself in the head with a pipe, you horrendous vacancy of a human? A recent poll found that 23% of Texans believe Obama is a Muslim.

None of you should be allowed to vote. You should be deported to Idiotistan. Or better yet, we should give Texas back to Mexico. For free. Just take it. Not only did you give George W. Bush to the world, but you are apparently becoming dumber. Emails are not fact, they are letters, written by an asshole you know, which should give you more pause. If I believed every email my father sent, I would be locked up in a halfwit farm. There is zero evidence showing Obama is a Muslim. Zero.

Next up, people who think Obama is a socialist should give themselves a home lobotomy. At least you would then have an excuse for being such an ignorant asshole. Your complete lack of understanding of different types of governments is nothing short of shocking. You are so simpleminded I’m surprised your dogs don’t feed you, instead of vise versa. According to your definition of “socialism,” EVERY country on the face of the Earth is socialist. That’s how fucking stupid you are. If you believe “spreading the wealth” is socialism, you just called Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower socialists. You should have a sixth grade civics book crammed up your anus. You should not be allowed near a ballot.

Next, many people actually believe Barack Obama is a communist.

There is a significant group of Americans who actually believe Obama is a communist. They are beyond hope, beyond redemption. They are a stain on humanity. Here is their leader.



Wow. The only thing Victoria Jackson has less of than talent is intelligence. This is what happens when you only read the Bible and listen to Fox News. Oh, and watch 1984 and think that someone “being on TV a lot” equals 1984. Calling Barack Obama a communist is indefensible. I honestly don’t know how someone can be this obtuse and exist in the world. They are the enemies of intelligence, and therefore the enemies of democracy. Morons like Victoria Jackson should be feared far more than terrorists because they are more dangerous.

Next up, Obama pals around with terrorists. They are, of course, speaking of William Ayers.

Aside from the ridiculous use to the word “pals” to describe Barack Obama’s association with William Ayers, the idiots who use this phrase have gone with the plural. Terrorists. There’s an “S” on the end. As in, “Stupid,” “Simpleton,” and “Shitbrain.” Either that or William Ayers is going to split into two different humans soon. The connection is so far fetched, anyone using it as an excuse not to vote for Obama suffers from a medical condition known as “fuck pie brain.”

Insects should look down upon you. The constant use of the phrase, “Obama should come clean about his connections with Ayers” is so sophomoric and pathetic it is astounding. Why don’t you come clean about your goat fucking?

See how that works, you colossal fucking moron?

Of course, you idiots then take it a step further: Barack Obama is a terrorist. Really? I mean, you seriously allow that to escape from your mouth, without a tinfoil hat on your head or following it up with, “Corn is murder!”

Do you even know what a terrorist is? What has he blown up, I mean, besides today’s popular vote? And how do you survive being so dumb When you eat, do you just cram food into your mouth without chewing and then wonder why you can’t breathe? Because that’s what you do with thoughts and facts.

Many of you tools actually believe Obama is a Muslim terrorist plant who wasn’t born in the US. You actually think he was born elsewhere, because his birth certificate is “fake.” See, terrorists foresaw 47 years into the future and planted a mole baby. They knew that the baby would succeed and become president because he was black and had a crazy Muslim sounding name. That’s just how America works. Idiots write this nonsense. I’ve seen the emails and the comments attached. Many of these insults to the human race actually believe a story that is almost as fantastical as the story of Jesus. They are literally people who do not have the ability to feel embarrassment.

Oh, and how about the fact that Obama kills babies? Not just the kind that are aborted as fetuses, but actual babies. You idiots actually believe Obama supports infanticide and burning children alive. I think when he is finished killing babies he eats them. Some he puts on stakes around his home to ward off pro-lifers.

Anyone who believes just a fraction of any of the above ideas is an embarrassment to Democracy and humanity. Even though Obama will clearly win today’s election, it has made us stare directly into the face of the mass of American idiots and say, “What the fuck?” There is a massive group of voters in the country who are shockingly stupid. They believe Obama is a terrorist, communist, socialist, Muslim, baby killing, heretical Christian. Please combine two of those accusations and see how they work.

Know many Muslim communists? No? How about socialist terrorists? Are they a big danger to America? How about baby killing socialists? No? Communist heretical Christians? No? What about heretical Christian Muslims? What about baby mole socialists? How about baby killing baby mole terrorists?

Even though this election will be a sound thrashing, it also confirms how many Americans are a complete waste of skin.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Image courtesy of the New Yorker.