I’m just grateful that the FCC does not have the authority to regulate the internet. And I’d bet that members of the Anal Sex and Ass Appreciation groups agree. Because, let me tell you, The Federal Communications Committee has something against butts.

And this isn’t just any grudge, it’s a rancor for whichthe ABC network might have to pay $1.4 million USD. The story goes like this:

In 2003, ABC showed an episode of NYPD Blue that showed images of a woman’s ass as she got ready to shower. The woman was Charlotte Ross, the character was Det. Connie McDowell. Some of you may remember the episode. If not, and once again, let me be grateful for the Internet, you can see screenshots here or the video clip here. Fast-forward to the present, when the FCC is fining 52 ABC stations for showing the episode and the nudity contained therein.

But that isn’t even the whole story – oh no! Because the FCC goes on to point out that the episode also portrayed some of the woman’s breasts. And for this partial breast and butt transgression, ABC may be paying upwards of a million dollars, as the United States has recently sanctioned a very large escalation in such fines.

I know, I know, the argument can be made that, while one does not have to agree with the rules that are in place, you can’t argue against the enforcement of said regulations. But I’m still a little confused. And a bit humored, in fact, as I attempt to envision FCC officials – white and old and male – sitting around discussing, “Cartoon butts? Okay! Female butts? No good. What about tightly fitting, sheer material over a female butt? Hmmm…” I am perhaps oversimplifying the issue, but I still get carried away with such scenes.

-“Well, Dick, what do you think? Are buttocks more offensive than breasts? Which will scar our children more?”

-“And, hey, what about the value of the fines; how do we decide those? Should we base them on absolute or relative size? Do we charge more for more, how do they say, ‘junk in the trunk’? Or, what about the super skinny actresses with no meat on their behinds…should they be charged as much?”

-Ad infinitum

Fun, isn’t it?

In addition, let me highlight something that I find particularly ridiculous about this story: The episode aired in 2003. By charging the network such a high fine and bringing national (and international) coverage to the story, many more people are going to view the guilty body parts. I know I wouldn’t have seen the t’n’a without hearing of the story. Then, let me ask the perpetual (and probably rhetorical) question, “Is this about money or principles?” Does the FCC really care about protecting the viewers (from the allegedly potential harms of viewing such flesh), or are the fines predominantly created for the purpose of generating revenue?

That video clip and those images were definitely the least sexual things Fatality saw all day…

We're so spoiled now. We’re all just one click of a mouse away from viewing a bevy of beautiful babes on our computers. (Especially here on Suicide Girls!) But imagine a time when skirts were long, skin was hidden and catching even a glimpse of the forbidden female form was nearly impossible. There’s always a certain amount of struggle involved in a young boy’s pursuit to see a naked woman for the first time. In the 1950s it was really tough since there was no such thing as cable TV or Internet or easily attainable dime store girlie rags. But there was Bridget Bardot.


...actress, sex kitten, and international icon, Bardot was also a savior.

And this girl aimed to please. She was not only an alluring accomplished actress, sex kitten, and international icon, Bardot was also a savior. Her bigger than life performances in films like “The Night Heaven Fell,” were a lifesaver to boys growing up in the 1950s.

Bardot was one of the very first women to bare all in mainstream films. Well, foreign films anyway. She is nude in several scenes in "Night" providing more than enough masturbation material for even the most demanding young male. I admire the boys who went to great lengths to see an arthouse movie in the fifties, just to see a naked Brigitte Bardot. Think of what these boys had to go through in their quest to cast their eyes upon Bardot’s holy naked visage. The sacrifices made by these kids who had to suffer through love scenes, subtitles and melodrama just to see that rare glimpse of nudity is admirable. These boys also had to work very hard to imprint this image in their mind so when they were alone, that totally nude Bardot dancing in their brain paved the way for a perfect evening. Bardot’s image burned into their memory became their salvation in times of need. “The Night Heaven Fell” is a reminder that kids in those days had it rough.


...she simply oozed sex.

Bardot became an international star with the 1956 worldwide release of “…And God Created Woman” in which she simply oozed sex. “The Night Heaven Fell” was her third collaboration with then-husband Roger Vadim. “Heaven” is campy melodrama in prime form. Bardot’s character Ursula may seem innocent, but she’s just as sexy as her turn as a bed-hopping bachelorette in “God.” The 1958 film featured a soap opera plot like many films of the period. Bardot falls madly in love with the exotic Spaniard Lamberto (Stephen Boyd) who tragically murders her uncle. In a strangely dramatic, though not surprising turn of events, Bardot’s aunt (Alida Valli) also confesses her love for Lamberto. And what’s a great melodrama without a pet pig? When the two lovers live on the lam in the town’s surrounding caves, Bardot pleads for the life of her precious little piggy when Lamberto endeavors to eat the swine. “Heaven” is textbook melodrama, as entertaining as it is unbelievable. And even worse for those unaccustomed to foreign films, the movie is in French with English subtitles. All this adds up to a film that would appeal to young boys about as much as taking a bath or using soap for mouthwash. “Heaven’s” saving grace is Bardot’s breasts. Well and her bare back, behind, long legs, tight tummy, the whole package! There is something nostalgic about seeing Bardot in all her splendor without a stitch of clothing. It’s reminiscent of a time when a naked back or thigh was considered taboo. And that rare sight was enough to drive a young boy into a frenzy. Or at least prop him up on his bed like a bicycle with a kickstand.


Happy B-Day BB! September 28th, 72 years young.

I really do wish I could erase the sight of all the naked beauties I’ve seen in my time. Delete all those erotic movie moments from my mind if only to experience the thrill of the first time my eyes gazed upon a bare-breasted Bardot. Seeing films like “Heaven” again is a simple reminder that the first time is truly the best. And I’m glad I had my first with Bardot. Well, at least in the not-so-innocence of my overactive boyhood imagination.

Gore gone!

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker, the creator of Film Threat, and would some day like to visit a nude beach.