FOR SALE: One Slightly Used Soul
Living in these trying economic times, sometimes one who's strapped for cash has to resort to more...unorthodox methods to make a quick buck. In fact, one only need to browse the website BizarreBids to find such amusing items for sale as a phallic cheese puff and a haunted paper clip.
But a New Zealand man has decided to take a page from the ever-popular "Simpsons Did It" files and sell his soul to the highest bidder.
Walter Scott, 24, put his soul up for sale on New Zealand Internet auction site TradeMe, and so far has received more than 100 expressions of interest.
Bids in the auction, which was to close Thursday, had reached $189 late Wednesday.
With the winner receiving a framed deed of "soul ownership," Scott sees no need to hold onto the one thing keeping him from an eternity in purgatory with bills to be paid. Gas isn't getting any cheaper, folks!
"I can't see it, touch it or feel it, but I can sell it, so I'm going to palm it off to the highest bidder," he said.
It was in "pretty good nick" except for a rough patch six years ago when he reached the legal drinking age, he said
Now, for those of you looking to buy your very own soulless minion to cater to your every evil whim, you're going to be disappointed. He's lawyered up.
Advice from a lawyer was that the winning bidder would not be entitled to anything but Scott's soul and would not be able to own or control him in any way, he said.
Now, the financial outlook in the South Pacific must be pretty bleak, as just last month an Australian man decided to go on eBay and sell his life.
Ian Usher, 44, held the seven-day auction of all his belongings, including his three-bedroom home in the west Australian city of Perth and a trial for his job at a rug store, after the break-up of his five-year marriage.
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In the end, the winning bidder agreed to pay A$399,300 ($380,286) for all of Usher's worldly goods, which also include his friends, a motorcycle and a jetski.
I mean, what's next? Trying to sell your infant child as a joke? Oh, wait.
thefreak once sold his body and all he got was a mugshot and herpes. One complaint to the Better Business Bureau later, and all is well.
"Vegansexuals" Say No to Hot Beef Injection
A group of New Zealand vegans are taking their dietary choices to bed. In a brand-spanking new phenomenon being called "vegansexuality," some animal-friendly Kiwis are choosing "not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals."
One vegan respondent from Christchurch said: "I believe we are what we consume, so I really struggle with bodily fluids, especially sexually."
Another Christchurch vegan said she found non-vegans attractive, but would not want to be physically close to them.
"I would not want to be intimate with someone whose body is literally made up from the bodies of others who have died for their sustenance," she said.
Okay, hang on just a minute, here. I'm a strict vegetariana vegan, for all intents and purposes (any animal products that make their way into my diet do so accidentally, at this point), and while I'm not too keen on swapping saliva with my boyfriend just after he's eaten a big, juicy burger, I find this vegansexuality thing to be verging on the absurd. Unless these vegansexuals are engaging in some kind of cannibalistic, Praying Mantis-inspired sex, I don't really see what the problem is. You're not eating your partner, are you? You're not wearing a jacket or a pair of shoes made out of your partner, right?
The revelation of this new little movement came through the research of Annie Potts, co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University.
Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers asked 157 people nationwide about everything from battery chickens to sexual preferences.
Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.
"It's a whole new thing I have not come across it before," said Potts.
Their bodies are made up of animal carcasses? That's just ridiculous. While I can understand being hesitant about romantic involvement with a meat-eater due to potential health issues like heart disease, hypertension, and colon cancer, viewing their bodies as "made up of animal carcasses" is taking it a bit far. I picture a zombie-like creature with a ham hock for a heart and chickens feet for eyes.
"When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals," she said.
"Sorry, I don't do the hot beef injection, but I do give great cabbage head."
Bad Billboard On Sheep Island
A billboard for Hell Pizza of New Zealand attempted to poke a little fun at President Bush but the roadside advertisement upset quite a few people. The billboard featured a picture of Bush, with the words, "Hell. Too Good For Some Evil Bastards. This week the Advertising Standards Complaints Board of New Zealand did not find the picture or issues raised by the advertisement offensive, but the term "evil bastards" was deemed inappropriate.
The billboards went up in November 2006 and the complaints quickly followed.
"I object to the use of this language in such public sight where people might (a) take offence, and (b) have to explain the advert to children."
"... Mr Bush is a GOD-fearing upright man who (I would say) will never be seen in Hell. It is a terrible and vicious smear campaign against a person who is openly a Christian."
Hmmm, you might have a debate on that last one because of all those dead people on Georges watch.
The advertising company disagreed with the complaints.
"We believe, and given the even greater opposition to the war in Iraq and George Bush's plummeting popularity among voters in the US, that the billboard was not only socially responsible, but incredibly prescient given events that have unfolded subsequently," the agency said.
Whatever, hippies. The advertising agency also claimed that the use of the word bastard was widespread in New Zealand and sometimes even used as a compliment, such as, Thanks for the beer, you dirty, fucking bastard.
This week the board ruled. They found that the advertisement was not prepared with a due sense of social responsibility to consumers and society. Also, it was deemed offensive because of the term, Evil bastards.
LOL: New Zealand Testing Allows Text Speak
In order to seem cool, New Zealand has authorized its students the use of "text-speak" in national exams this year. Text speak, a language developed and adopted by mobile text message senders the world over, abbreviates thousands of words in order to make messaging more efficient. Popular examples are "LOL" to replace "Laughing out loud," "H8" is a shortened version of "hate," "BRB" for "be right back," or "CU" for "see you."
New Zealand's Qualifications Authority, the committee responsible for the decision, emphasizes that it still strongly discourages the students from using anything other that proper English, but feels forces to give credit when the answers demonstrate the required understanding. The Deputy Chief Executive, Bali Haque, stresses that answers should be as clear as possible and though the language will be accepted, anything other than complete English will be penalized to a degree.
Many critics are split over the decision allowing text slang. President of the Post Primary Teachers' Association, Debbie Te Whaiti, said the authority's move only reflects the current prevailing classroom situation. Others say the exam required for graduation, the National Certificate of Educational Achievement (NCEA), suffers a serious blow in reputation and respect.
One New Zealand blogger, Phil Stevens, responded to the decision in a way the NZQA is sure to understand but only give partial credit for.
"nzqa [New Zealand Qualifications Authority]: u mst b joking," Stevens wrote. "or r u smoking sumthg?"