Asshole Fuckface Roundup #43
Welcome to the first ever Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Its never been done before and Im a bit nervous. Ive scoured the weeks news and located the worst people on Earth. Now, I will unveil them for you to sneer at. How will it go? Who knows? Will the judged seek me out and murder me? Odds are high. Yet, I must do this, as God has chosen me. So, wrap yourself in a thick malleable polymer and lets get started.
First up, the horrible Asshole Fuckfaces of the Himalayas.
In early May, the Olympic flame is scheduled to be carried to the top of Mount Everest. The poor Olympic flame has had a rough trip around the world. Everywhere the flame goes, protesters come out in force to convey their anger at China for the violent crackdown in Tibet. But Nepal has come up with a great way to halt any protests that may occur on Mount Everest: Just kill em.
Nepal has given its security personnel permission to shoot pro-Tibet demonstrators during China's Olympic flame climb to Mount Everest's summit early next month.
Well, that should do it. And may I add, that is some strong Olympic spirit.
"About 25 soldiers and policemen have established camps on the mountain and they have been ordered to use force if necessary to stop any anti-Chinese activities," Mod Raj Dotel, spokesman for the home ministry. "This could mean shooting if necessary."
They should use guys from the Chinese Double Trap Olympic team to kill the horrible protesters. That way, they can get some shooting practice while doing something awesome for their country.
All climbers setting out on Everest will also be searched for non-essential materials and anti-Chinese stuff. Any climbers who are found with such heinous material will have their permits canceled.
Also, climbers cannot go above 6,400 meters between May 1st and May 10th. So, its a great time to climb nearly to the top of Everest, only to be stopped by armed Asshole Fuckfaces because some idiots want fire to make some empty achievement.
Next up, some horrible Asshole Fuckfacery happened in the Netherlands. Words cannot do this justice.
Dear Dutch people, why is everyone enjoying the creepy man licking and stroking that boy? Please let me know what might be too far and understand if I dont take my son to Holland. And how jealous is Michael Jackson right now?
Next up, some Asshole Fuckface bondage.
A Tennessee couple was going through a rocky period in their marriage. Rebecca Bargy was stepping out on her man James. Over the past few months, she had engaged in several affairs and spent two nights last week screwing another dude in a hotel.
With a wife banging other dudes and spending nights away from home, its probably not too smart to let her tie you up and ball gag you.
Rebecca Bargy placed duct tape over James Bargy's mouth and eyes, put a ball gag in his mouth and then tied a bandage around his head, leaving only his nostrils showing.
She also tied his hands and legs behind his back. She then left him for 20 hours.
Now that is domination. James died of asphyxiation. Now word on whether or not he came.
Rebecca claims it was an accident and that James requested to be bound and gagged and then left for 20 hours to enjoy the shit out of it. But Police believe Rebecca was screwing a man at a hotel while James slowly died. Although, she did stop in at one point to say hi to James. Im sure that was a nice, tender moment.
Its been a good week for gay hating Asshole Fuckfaces around the world.
Its hard to pick who is the bigger Asshole Fuckface, Bahrain or Singapore.The hit Singapore home renovation show, Find and Design, ran into a little trouble this week when a homosexual couple was featured. The show included footage of the couple and their child living their normal lives. The Media Development Authority was not pleased.
The MDA said the episode, which showed scenes of the couple and the baby, crossed the line because of the presenters congratulations of them and acknowledgement of their existence as a family unit. The presenter apparently acknowledged the familys existence "in a way which normalizes their gay lifestyle and unconventional family setup."
Right. Please don't normalize the freaks. I guess he should have mocked them and maybe slapped them a few times during the renovation. Remind me not to visit Singapore.
The Asshole Fuckfacery in Bahrain makes Singapore look like San Francisco. The Bahrain Parliament has decided to do something about the countrys homosexual problem.
The countrys parliament has just passed a number of new initiatives designed to root out and rid the country of any and all homosexuals.
I believe thats called a witch hunt. Some of the fun tactics will include a survey to determine how many gays and lesbians are running around Bahrain. That should be interesting.
Do you have a penis? Yes or No.
Do you like to rub your penis against other peni? Yes or no?
Have you ever had a buddy-to-buddy cock rub party? Yes or no?
The Parliament also demanded that the Interior Ministry ban all gay foreigners from getting residence permits. And there will be more surprise inspections of massage parlors and hair salons. The government believes those are the two places homosexuals hang out.
Those people are either from the Philippines or Thailand and they come for these two jobs, which they use as a curtain for their homosexual behavior and immorality.
Word. I cant get a haircut without falling into some dude's asshole.
Best of all, teachers will be trained to ferret out gay kids.
Teachers will be trained and asked to watch students carefully for signs of homosexuality. Teachers are told to punish [the children] accordingly if they show any homosexual tendencies.
Well, I already spend 16 hours a day watching children for signs of homosexuality, so maybe I should go get a teaching job in Bahrain. Seriously though, if anyone sees a child playing hairdresser or sodomy, please tell the principal.
Finally, the first FearTheReaper video Asshole Fuckface story.
Consider yourself blessed.
FearTheReaper would like to congratulate all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a bottle of FearTheReaper multi-vitamins.
Yet Another Hint From Europe?
While trying to light my cigarette this morning on a break during work (my Zippo was out of fuel, sadly), I came across this article (I was reading the print edition, of course). I found it very interesting. I've always felt that Europe is light-years ahead of the U.S. in certain respects, namely the social arena. And this might be another example.
For those of you with diminished attention spans, the article speaks of a $38 million dollar program the Dutch are instituting for schools and neighborhood in which they hope to stem the growth of right-wing nationalism and Islamic fundamentalism in their country. They're not fighting these groups--merely preventing new ones from forming. A rather novel idea, I'd say. Attacking the source of the problem, the root rather than the branches. Kill the body and the head will die.
After the 2004 death of filmmaker Theo Van Gogh by a Muslim extremist, the number of hate crimes in the Netherlands rose sharply. Many of these involved Muslims in retaliatory attacks by Dutch citizens (Note: 5.5% or about 1 million of the country's population is Muslim). Such a reaction is natural, I suppose, given the current geopolitical situation. After all, it seems like in today's lightning-fast, media-driven, consumerism-saturated world, where everyone has their 15 gigabytes of fame, you really have to do something extreme to get noticed and have your voice truly heard above the din.
But let's get back to The Program, as it were.
Stopping hatred before it starts, is essentially what they're doing. Teaching the youth (5 to 16 or 18, I'm assuming) that such radicalism and subsequent hate (terror?) crimes will not be tolerated in their society, and on a larger scale, the world. That's absolutely brilliant, I say. Yes, parents are also responsible for the rearing and teaching of their children, especially on an intrapersonal level. But so is the government, and especially on the interpersonal level (ah, there's the Democrat in me). After all, it's a global society now, and whether we like it or not, we're all hooked up to the same cable now--as close together as stations on a dial. A shock at one end will travel round, affecting everyone. The flapping of a butterfly's wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the world, it seems.
I say bravo to the Dutch. I really hope their program works. Because as each new, successive generation inherits the planet (amid the cries of "It was broken when I got here!"), the problems and the solutions fall to them; they become the new stewards of society. There is a sense of duty and responsibility, I think, that they will accept. This planet is all we've got, and if the whole Human Comedy is to continue, we've got to live with each other as best we can--you and me, we're in this together now.
I don't know what the curriculum entails. I assume it's something along the lines of common sense: that in order for humanity to keep progressing, we've got to stop the formation of the radicals/fundamentalists of all stripes who wish to keep the status quo and drag us back into the Dark Ages because it's easier to just give in and not fight, it's more comfortable that way; change is bad. A static society is easier to control than a dynamic society.
I hope the Dutch kids go for this program. After all, the Netherlands is a very liberal country, it seems; we all know the stories about how Amsterdam is a creative and recreational capital, with its Red-Light District and 'coffeehouses' and other so-called 'hedonistic' venues. Hell, they have the brains to legalize all the things we good Americans consider bad and impure, and what do they get: a pretty laidback and liberal society. They're a beacon of social tolerance and they really get along with each other.
Could such a program work here in the U.S.? Maybe, I don't know. I mean, there's plenty of students with beards, but I really don't see our country moving towards the left end of the sociopolitical spectrum for a while--at least 20 years or more, when the twentysomethings of today hit their forties and get really active in national politics and keep the ideas of their youth. For great change does not come in leaps and bounds, it comes in baby steps. And in order for something of this nature to take place in such a puritanical country as America, we've got to wait for the old guard to fade away and let the young Turks take the reins. Yes, there will still be the right-wing holdovers of another time and another place hanging on and railing against the change (Hell, maybe we do need them, for balance, as Believers need Skeptics), but we're all heading for the same destination: the future. And we've already brought about such a globalized society that we're experiencing many other cultures and people who are much different than we are--what did we expect, for Them to be all like Us? And we're all in the same boat...if it sinks, we're all Doomed, so let's try and make the ride comfortable for everybody.
I say to the Dutch, you've got at least one American behind your noble efforts. I hope that one night, we can all go to sleep and wake up the next morning to find that the Dream has been realized.
Students Find Underage Drinking Loophole: Alcohol Powder!
Howd you like to blow a line of Bacardi? Maybe youd rather shoot a syringe of Sambuca, parachute a packet of Pernod, or surf a suppository of Strega, perhaps? With the creation of powdered alcohol, you should have no problem getting fucked up whichever way you want, right?
Wrong. When Dutch student Harm Van Elderen and four friends developed their version of powdered alcohol they had no lofty goals of smoking spliffs of sloe gin (last one, I promise). Rather, in a decidedly less interesting twist, they created Booz2Go, which is a powdered alcoholic beverage that packs a whopping 3% alcohol punch and hides it with a kid-friendly lime flavoring. Just add water and youve got instant kamikaze Kool-Aid.
Why should I care? you ask. Well, Reuters reports that the students had an ulterior motive in designing the spirit-ual powder:
"We are aiming for the youth market. They are really more into it because you can compare it with Bacardi-mixed drinks," 20-year-old Harm van Elderen told Reuters.
"Because the alcohol is not in liquid form, we can sell it to people below 16," said project member Martyn van Nierop.
As Van Nierop implies, the drinking age in the Netherlands is 16, but due to a loophole Booz2Go can legally be sold to children of any age. Just think of all those years us poor American kids wasted eating Lik-M-Aid and drinking Tang and Country-Time Lemonade when we could have been pounding Booz2Go and barfing in a sandbox. Thanks to modern innovation Dutch children wont have to share our sad, sober fate.
Gang of Rapists Terrorize the Netherlands With HIV
As if conservative America didnt already view the Netherlands as a lair of sin and depravity, along comes a story that can only be described as an abomination of inhumanity... there aren't enough adjectives to describe how fucking sick this is. According to ABC News Online, a gang of Dutch men have been accused of luring gay men to orgies where the victims were then drugged, raped, and injected with their own HIV-infected blood.
After four victims came forward to Dutch police, the gang -- consisting of three HIV-positive gay men -- was arrested along with a fourth scumfuck who supplied them with large amounts of GHB and Ecstasy to aid in the rapes. Mr. Ronald Zwarter, the police chief of Groningen, where the rapes allegedly occurred, said:
(Their) stated motive was that it excited them and also that, the more HIV-infected people there are, the better their chances of unprotected sex. They considered unprotected relations to be 'pure.
Since the arrests were made, eight more victims have come forward. Numerous public figures in the Netherlands have spoken out against the crimes:
Health Minister Ab Klink on Thursday called the case "horrible", as the press splashed the news across its front pages.
...
"That homos [sic] organize orgies is nothing new, but this is something else. This is unimaginable," said Frank van Dalen, the president of a gay rights group called COC.
...
Said Henk Krol, the editor of a homosexual magazine titled Gaykrant: "These people were drugged, it's therefore rape, pure and simple. It's shameful, disgusting and terrifying. Those who did this are crazy."
Normally this is the point in a story where Id crack a joke, or post a zany YouTube clip, but there's nothing here to laugh at. I hate condoms as much as the next guy, but they've become a necessary part of life; as much as I typically advocate sexual freedom in all its splendor, theres just no excuse here, none whatsoever. This casual disregard for human life is just so inhumanly narcissistic and cruel. That this has happened at all is simply terrifying, like some real life twist taken from Hostel or Saw, only far, far worse.