More Bush Failure
The situation in Georgia is deteriorating rapidly. For those of you who have had your heads shoved up your asses, heres a recap and some history from Redbstrd. Georgia has been a tinderbox for years and the last thing one needs during a tinderbox situation is the simplistic, one note diplomacy of George Bush and company. He fucked the pooch on this one, plain and simple.
Historically, this is a very fucked up situation.Think Israel and Palestine. Georgia has been opposed to their aggressive Russian neighbors for centuries. And two regions inside Georgia, Abkhazia and South Ossetia, are opposed to aggressive Georgia rule. In the end, the regions dont want to be a part of Georgia, so they looked to Russia for help. Georgia invaded the capital of South Ossetia this week and Russia responded by invading, too. The conflict has now spread to Abkhazia and beyond. Thats the incredibly simplistic summary of a conflict that has been going on since the late 1700s. You want more, read this. Oh, and dont forget about the oil. Seems every conflict in the world includes oil as part of the equation.
We should be concerned about what our part in this mess is and how to make sure we dont do more damage.
The Bush administration encouraged Georgia president Mikheil Saakashvili to apply for NATO membership. This really couldnt have been a more ignorant stance to take. During a time of increasing nationalism in Russia, that reminds some of past fascist rulers, encouraging a Russian border country, with a history of conflicts, to join NATO is completely moronic. Oh, and Russia said they would not allow it.
Both Putin and his successor as president, Dmitri Medvedev, have reserved their starkest rhetoric for this subject. Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov has threatened that Georgia's ambition to join NATO "will lead to renewed bloodshed," adding, as if that weren't enough, "we will do anything not to allow Georgia and Ukraine to join NATO."
No, shit. Anyone who had bothered to read any history of the region would have known that, but we are talking about a president who didnt know the difference between Shiites and Sunnis when he invaded Iraq. Nuance and intelligence are the enemies of George Bush.
Bush has been giving weapons and training to Georgia for several years, while he pushed for the countrys entry into NATO. Europe said, No thanks, because they are not fucking morons. They knew if Georgia was allowed into NATO, it would mean war with Russia, which is exactly where we would be now if our retarded president had his way. We would be at war with Russia, obligated by NATO treaties to send troops to defend Georgia. Sound good? Thats how stupid Bush and his people are.
Now, throw in the fact that the U.S. has invaded two countries in the past seven years, and we actually dont have the ability to take a stance against an aggressive Russia. Bush invaded Iraq by using false intelligence, lying to the UN and the American people. Its kind of hard for a guy who killed someone, standing with blood all over his hands, to call someone else a murderer, without everyone looking at him funny. Also, any military or other support we could have given Georgia is being used in two wars. And Russia knows that.
But, its not like some in the Bush administration arent calling for the U.S. to jump into this fight. Colossal dipshit and the greatest threat to America since the Japanese, Vice President Dick Cheney, would like us to get in this fucker.
Cheney spoke Sunday afternoon with Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili. "The vice president expressed the United States' solidarity with the Georgian people and their democratically elected government in the face of this threat to Georgia's sovereignty and territorial integrity," Cheney's press secretary, Lee Ann McBride, said.
Cheney told Saakashvili "Russian aggression must not go unanswered, and that its continuation would have serious consequences for its relations with the United States, as well as the broader international community.
Oh, good. Call up the president of Georgia and act like you are president of the United States, dick. What a completely insane promise to make. What the fuck does "not go unanswered" mean? Judging by past Bush administration responses, that ain't good. But then, these are the same neo-con idiots who have wreaked havoc on the world, so it cant be a big surprise.
At an emergency session of the United Nations' Security Council, the U.S. alleged Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov told U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice that Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili "must go."
"This is completely unacceptable and crosses a line," said the U.S. ambassador to the U.N., Zalmay Khalilzad, who made the allegation.
Okay. Line crossed. What do you propose, genius? The people of Georgia are expecting our support because of this EXACT TYPE OF LANGUAGE over the years.
One soldier, his face a mask of exhaustion, cradled a Kalashnikov.
We killed as many of them as we could, he said. But where are our friends?
Not coming. Not actually your friends.
When they met Western journalists, they all said the same thing: Where is the United States? When is NATO coming?
It's not and we're in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Tell your government, said a man named Truber, fresh from the side of the Tbilisi hospital bed where his son was being treated for combat injuries. If you had said something stronger, we would not be in this.
He had not slept for three days, and he was angry at himself, at Georgia, but mainly at the United States. If you want to help, you have to help the end, he said.
Sorry about that. How about a mint?
Write exactly what I say, he said. Over the past few years, I lived in a democratic society. I was happy. And now America and the European Union are spitting on us.
It's called being on the other end of Bush foreign policy. Kind of a bummer, huh?
The biggest problem here is you, your country, he said. You said that the Soviets were an evil empire, but its you that are the empire.
Not you personally, of course, he added. But your government.
Smell that? Its smells familiar, kind of like the Shiites rising up against Saddam Hussein under the first President George Bush, after he encouraged them to fight, after he insinuated they would be aided in their battle, after he stupidly made public statements he should not have made. They were slaughtered, just as the Georgians are being slaughtered today.
It was he who in February 1991, as American forces were driving Saddam's troops out of Kuwait, called for the people of Iraq to rise up and overthrow the dictator. That message was repeatedly broadcast across Iraq. Eager to end decades of repression, the Shiites arose.
But then George H. W. Bush blew the whistle. Things had got out of hand. What Bush had wanted was not a messy popular uprising but a neat military coup -- another strongman more amenable to Western interests.
But the Bush administration didn't just turn its back; it actually aided Saddam to suppress the Intifada.
Bush I basically told the Shiites we had their back and they were slaughtered, while our soldiers were forced to watch, unable to engage. Now Bush II has done the same with Georgia and the result is not surprising.
John McCain, of course, wants to make the situation worse. Old School believes the situation escalated because NATO didnt vote Georgia into the organization. Uh, yeah. That would be true, I guess, in a world where Russia didnt say the exact opposite.
"I urge Nato allies to revisit the decision," McCain said. Echoing his past support for removing Russia from the G8, he urged the US to convene an emergency meeting of G7 foreign ministers.
Hey, World War III! How you been? John McCain actually wants us to do the exact opposite of what should be done. Just to summarize, he wants NATO to vote for a war with Russia. Because, you know, thats what happens when you bring a country into NATO who is at war with Russia. Johnny wants to play bluff with Russia and hope they would back down. You know, the Russia that is going through a bout of insane nationalism and knows the U.S. is incredibly weak militarily. Hey, draft age guys, you up for it, or what?
Oh, and please dont pay attention to the fact that McCain's top foreign policy advisor was a lobbyist for...Georgia.
John McCain's top foreign-policy adviser, Randy Scheunemann, is a leading expert on U.S.-allied Georgia -- and was a paid lobbyist for the former Soviet republic until March.
Its interesting. A McCain win could mean World War III, but any destabilization in the world only helps McCain because of his military background. Its weird, but somebody predicted a more unstable world as part of his future election breakdown. And hey, he also predicted the surge would be a success! Who would have thought with all that paying off of the enemy and whatnot
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FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comic. You can read more of his blathering on his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #30
Asshole Fuckfacery has been around for hundreds of years. The very first Asshole Fuckface was a man named Thug Behram, who was a member of the Indian Thugee Cult during the early 1800s. Thug is considered the most prolific serial killer of all time, having murdered 931 victims with his cult. Most of the victims were travelers and all were strangled with a ceremonial cloth. Eventually, the British came into the picture and Thug was executed. Since Asshole Fuckface was not a catchy name for the punks on London streets, the name Thug was adopted. But make no mistake about it; Thug Behram was the first Asshole Fuckface in history. Since his death, my people have searched the Earth for Asshole Fuckfaces to point at and yell. Today, I scour the weekly news to find the worst of the worst and present them to you to judge and mock. So, put on your body latex, this is going to be ugly.
You really find out whom the Asshole Fuckfaces are when a young actor dies.
Certainly no one can be surprised when Asshole Fuckface Hall of Famers, the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, pop up on a roundup. After Health Ledger's death, the fanatical attention whores released a statement that has no comparison in its Asshole Fuckface message.
Are there not enough actual gays to picket? Now you kids actually have to picket actors who just pretended to be gay for a couple of months? I dont want to tell you guys where to focus, but you seem to be a bit off gay hate track.
Sordid, tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit
Look, I respect a hateful attack as much as anyone, but this comes across as a bit Mad-Libby. If one is going to use the words slime and vomit, I suggest losing tacky from the same sentence. I dont even know what a tacky bucket is, to be honest. Ive seen slimy buckets, and I can picture a bucket of vomit, but not a tacky bucket. To me, a tacky bucket is bedazzled with a sparkly, gold handle and fake tulips around the edge. Even if the bucket reference was appropriate, for instance, if there were two gays guys fucking in a bucket, and one was offended, it would not be tacky. It would be hideous.
A hideous bucket of slime seasoned with vomit.
But all of that is pointless, because every member of the Westboro Baptist Cult is an Asshole Fuckface. Unfortunately, they arent the only ones.
Fox News anchor John Gibson decided to get in on the act of making fun of Ledgers death. Listen here.
Ha, ha. Hilarious. I havent laughed that hard since I got hit in the head with a pipe and received 10 stitches. Gibsons comedic delivery is impeccable and his wit unparalleled.
Gibber: Youre 28 years old and you're thinking about death?
Lady: Maybe hes a deep thinker.
Gibber: Maybe he was a weirdo!
Weee. How can you not love this guy? Gibson is so deep and thoughtful. People in their 20s should not be thinking about death, no matter what is or has occurred in their life, or if their body is chemically predisposed to depression, or if they are emotionally and physically exhausted, or if their marriage has recently ended. No one in their 20s should be thinking about death. Ever. That is how Asshole Fuckfaces look at the world. Hopefully, The Gibber has to think about death soon.
Next up, it turns out some Asshole Fuckfaces were actually so impressed with the disaster known as the Iraq War, that they want to take things up a notch.
The west must be ready to resort to a pre-emptive nuclear attack to try to halt the "imminent" spread of nuclear and other weapons of mass destruction, according to a radical manifesto for a new NATO by five of the west's most senior military officers and strategists.
Oh, good. A pre-emptive nuclear attack would really improve the current state of the world. I dont see how this plan could go wrong. Imagine how great it would have been if we had just nuked Iraq, instead of invading and occupying. That way, there would never have been a lack of proof of WMDs, because the entire country would be a smoldering ruin. We would have actually attacked Iraq for a reason! Its a win-win!
The Asshole Fuckfaces who have come up with this beautiful strategy are former armed force chiefs from the US, Britain, Germany, France and the Netherlands. And they are really, really smart.
A "first strike" nuclear option remains an "indispensable instrument" since there is "simply no realistic prospect of a nuclear-free world".
Indeed. As a matter of fact, we should drop a nuke on any country that has a nuclear weapon, because if we dont someone might use a nuclear weapon. Im joking, of course, but they are not.
The first use of nuclear weapons must remain in the quiver of escalation as the ultimate instrument to prevent the use of weapons of mass destruction.
Ugh. Sometimes I think were all going to be Asshole Fuckfaced. NATO will discuss the proposal at a summit in April. Hopefully they are not as retarded as those five idiots.
Next up, our new Asshole Fuckface friends in Afghanistan.
Sayed Parwez Kaambakhsh, who I will henceforth call The Kaamer, made the horrible mistake of downloading an article from the Internet about womens rights and Islam. The article questioned why men can have four wives, but women cant. He then passed the article out to his fellow journalism students at Balkh University. He may as well have stuck in ice pick into Allahs back.
An Afghan court on Tuesday sentenced a 23-year-old journalism student to death for distributing a paper he printed off the Internet that three judges said violated the tenets of Islam.
The trial was held in secret and The Kaamers family did not even know it was underway, until the verdict was released. The Kaamer also made a tragic error of acting as his own attorney, which is amazing, considering how many times a day Law & Order runs. All he had to do was watch a couple of episodes and he'd know you should never defend yourself. The case now will be heard by two appeals courts.
Finally, sometimes a news story comes along that details how fucking Asshole Fuckfacery Americans can be.
A few women in Springfield, Missouri stepped into the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame this week, when they got tattoos from a door-to-door tattoo salesman. Holy fucking shit. How stupid can Americans get?
Friday night, a man knocked on doors holding a tattoo gun and offering his services. Tamra Eason described the tool as homemade, but still agreed to pay for a tattoo. So did two other women in her apartment complex.
Why wouldnt you? Clearly, its a great deal and think of all the money you can save!
"It was wrapped with black tape, had a pin underneath it, had fishing wire going through it, you could tell it was a homemade gun," Eason said.
What a great time to stop and say, Hey, Im going to pass. I mean, black tape and a fishing line, what could possibly go wrong?
The next day, Linda Falls passed out and had to be hospitalized.
All the women have an infection in the tattoo area and have been told to get tested for HIV and hepatitis.
Oh, right. HIV. I aint thought bout no AIDS when the fellas stickin that dirty needle in me fat.
The health department said it's always worth the extra money to get a tattoo from a licensed professional with the right equipment and sterilization procedures.
Really? That is something we actually have to be told? Because I would have thought when a random guy showed up with a homemade tattoo gun, any human would immediately think bad idea. Apparently, I was wrong. It really opens up a future for entrepreneurs.
Do yall need a mole removed?
Howdy, Ima here to offer a face lift.
Yous interested in a homey lipo?
Good day, maam. Im Mr. Pussy fixer. Is offerin the latest in door-to-door varginal rejuvenation.
But the ladies just wanted something sexy for their bodies.
"We just wanted tattoos, and now we're paying for it," Eason said.
No, youre paying for being a retarded Asshole Fuckface.
Congrats to this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You all get to watch a sketch from a Fox pilot FearTheReaper wrote on this summer.