The New Yorker: Unfunny Since 1925
The New Yorker magazine is probably best known for its cartoons which never seem to make any sense and are rarely funny ... kind of like TheCoolerKing*.
Their latest cover, in an attempt for humor or satire or relevance or attention, portrays Barack and Michelle Obama in an illustration featuring "fantastical images" that left the Obama camp fantastically offended.
The image, drawn by Barry Blitt and featured on the front cover of this week's New Yorker, shows Mr Obama wearing traditional Muslim dress, while his wife, Michelle, is dressed in combat trousers and carrying a machine-gun.
The couple are shown standing in the Oval Office, greeting one another with a "fist bump", with an American flag burning in the fireplace, and a portrait of Osama Bin Laden on the wall.
I'm sure it seemed like a great idea at the time, but in today's politically correct society they had to have expected the fallout.
The New Yorker said the cover, called "The Politics of Fear", was a critique of unfounded allegations that have tried to portray Mr Obama, a Christian, as a closet radical Muslim.
"The burning flag, the nationalist-radical and Islamic outfits, the fist-bump, the portrait on the wall? All of them echo one attack or another. Satire is part of what we do, and it is meant to bring things out into the open, to hold up a mirror to prejudice, the hateful, and the absurd. And that's the spirit of this cover," the statement said.
The portrayal of the Obamas "fist-bumping" one another was a reference to a campaign rally in St Paul, Minnesota, back in June, at which the couple were seen to "fist-bump", an action described by one Fox News commentator as a "terrorist fist-jab".
[...]
But Obama spokesman Bill Burton dismissed the cartoon, saying: ""The New Yorker may think... that their cover is a satirical lampoon of the caricature Senator Obama's right-wing critics have tried to create, but most readers will see it as tasteless and offensive. And we agree."
Of course, it's obviously satirical to anyone with a brain in their head, but remember that we're talking about America here ... a country whose current president wouldn't know satire from a ham sandwich.
How many people are going to totally miss the true point of the cartoon and only see what is portrayed within? For how many people (West Virginia, I'm looking at you!) is this going to be a confirmation of all of their fears rather that an attempt to mock them?
Most importantly, how many copies above current circulation is this thing going to sell before the inevitable apology and removal?
Get it fresh from the newsstands, folks, and stash it away for a couple of years when it'll probably fetch a pretty penny on eBay.
*That was crispy's attempt at satire.
Religious Leader says it's ok to Kill Gays
The highest Islamic authority in Manchester, England believes that gay men should be executed according to the Koran. Time yet again to celebrate our multicultural diversities and show our respect for all religious beliefs:
The leading imam in Manchester, confirms that he thinks the execution of sexually active gay men is justified, the rights group Outrage reported.
Arshad Misbahi of the Manchester Central Mosque confirmed his views in a conversation to John Casson, a local psychotherapist.
Casson said: "I asked him if the execution of gay Muslims in Iran and Iraq was an acceptable punishment in Sharia law, or the result of culture, not religion.
"He told me that in a true Islamic state, such punishments were part of Islam: If the person had had a trial, at which four witnesses testified that they had seen the actual homosexual acts."
"I asked him what would be the British Muslim view? He repeated that in an Islamic state these punishments were justified. They might result in the deaths of thousands but if this deterred millions from having sex, and spreading disease, then it was worthwhile to protect the wider community."
"I checked again that this was not a matter of tradition, culture or local prejudice. 'No,' he said, 'It is part of the central tenets of Islam: that sex outside marriage is forbidden; this is stated in the Koran and the prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) had stated that these punishments were due to such behaviours.'"
Bush Gets Comfy with Reporters, Says Some Crazy Shit
George W. Bush has had something of an adversarial relationship with the media during his presidency. His first term saw an extremely low number of press conferences and included cutting questions from the likes of Jeff Gannon. It was later discovered that syndicated columnist Armstrong Williams had been paid off by the administration to write articles showing Bush in a favorable light. And Bush ascended to power at a time when his party was most critical and distrustful (not to mention vocal) of "the liberal media" and its alleged slant against Republicans. Given this context is can be extremely edifying to learn just exactly what Bush says when he knows he's among friendly media, as was the case earlier this week when he invited several journalists to a "private interview" session. The full transcript is available but there are some choice snippets worth highlighting.
Bush says, for example, that Gen. John Abizaid ("one of the really great thinkers"
was the one who "came up with" the recent construct about the enemy in Iraq, "If we leave, they will follow us here." Bush then explains that this is what makes the Iraq struggle "really different from other wars we've been in."
Really? What about the war of 1812, when the British did just that? Or the Mexican-American war? Or World War 2, which the Japanese pulled us into by attacking us? Wasn't that the justification for virtually every fight during the cold war, that if we didn't stop Communism wherever we happened to be fighting that it would come back to the US?
Another revealing moment comes when Bush flatly declares that only "25% or so" of Americans want the U.S. out of Iraq. In fact, a Gallup poll released this week shows that the number is actually 54% who want us out quickly -- within a year at most. Bush also mischaracterizes the war opponents, saying they "just don't believe in war," as if they are all pacifists.
Internet forum trolls are expected to fabricate statistics to buttress their arguments. But one would hope that when the President of the United States brings up polling information on his own, that he would have his facts straight. Particularly when actual polls show that a majority of Americans (not to mention a very large majority of Iraqis) want the US out of Iraq sooner rather than later.
"I believe when you get attacked and somebody declares war on you, you fight back. And that's what we're doing."
Which is why we're fighting in Iraq, because of the attacks on the US perpetrated by Saddam Hussein.... that one might have to be reconsidered. The doctrine of preemptive war, which was the justification used before the Iraq invasion to explain why the US needed to go there, at least sounded fancy. This just sounds silly, no one ever claimed that the US was attacked by Iraq.
"And I'm trying to figure out a matrix that says things are getting better. I think that one way to measure is less violence than before, I guess. We'll have to see what happens here after Ramadan. I believe these people -- oh, I was going to tell you Abizaid believes Ramadan, no question, caused them to be more violent because he says there's some kind of reward during Ramadan for violence."
Ramadan asks of its participants that they fast during daylight hours, restrain themselves from partaking in vices and give extra money to charity. Bush offers no evidence that any "rewards" were given out to encourage violence during Ramadan, and in fact violence has increased since Ramadan ended.
"We will press and press and press to protect ourselves. And this stuff about how Iraq is causing the enemy -- whatever excuse they need, they have made up their mind to attack, and they grab on to things to kind of justify. But if it's not Iraq, it's Israel. If it's not Israel, it's the Crusades. If it's not the Crusades, it is the cartoon. I'm not kidding you. I'm not kidding you."
Imagine what Iraqis must be saying about the US justifying its claims to invade Iraq. "If it's not al-Qaeda it's Saddam Hussein. If it's not Saddam Hussein it's biological weapons. If it's not biological weapons it's nuclear bombs. If it's not nuclear bombs it's chemical Ali. If not Ali then balsa wood 'drones.' If not drones then preemptive war. If not preemptive war then enforcing UN sanctions. I'm not kidding you!"
Jonathan Kesselman's Suicide Watch: Swiss Family Mohammed
Recently it came to my attention that the Turkish school curriculum has begun to feature Islamified versions of classic childrens' stories.
Pinocchio, Tom Sawyer and other characters have been converted to Islam in new versions of 100 classic stories on the Turkish school curriculum
The clumsy insertions by Islamic publishing houses have caused controversy in Turkey, which has been a strongly secular state since the 1920s...
Give me some bread, for Allah's sake," Pinocchio says to Geppetto, his maker, in a book stamped with the crest of the ministry of education
"Thanks be to Allah," the puppet says later
In The Three Musketeers, D'Artagnan is told that he cannot visit Aramis
An old woman explains: "He is surrounded by men of religion. He converted to Islam after his illness
Tom Sawyer may always have shirked his homework, but he is more conscientious in learning his Islamic prayers. He is given a "special treat" for learning the Arabic words.
I tend to agree with these Turkish publishing houses -- many of these classic pieces of literature have gotten just a tad bit stale. So, SG readers, for this weeks Suicide Watch, I, Jonathan Kesselman, have decided to try my hand at tinkering with a few of my favorite stories
1) Animal Farm
This book must be banned! Pigs are unholy, filthy, swine!
2) Morty Glick (AKA Moby Dick)
Ishamael narrates the tale of Captain A-rab, the tyrannical skipper of the Pequod. A-rab is driven by a monomaniacal desire to kill Morty Glick, the Infidel Jew who took his leg. Also, theres a big, white whale that swims and stuff.
3) Portnoys Complaint
Alexander Portnoy rants about his sex life for exactly one sentence. He is then shot in the head by a soldier of Allah; the rest of the book consists of 300 blank pages.
4) Pippi Longstocking
Pippi Longstocking, a super-strong, red-headed, pig-tailed, budding lesbian is the head of a Swedish terrorist cell. Pippi instructs her beloved next-door neighbors, Tommy and Annika, in the science of bomb building and the logistics of orchestrating a suicide attack. All of this is, of course, funded by her father, Efraim, who is having intercourse with Mr. Nilsson.
5) Of Mice And Men
Lennie and George toil on a farm in Salinas, California. An anxious Lennie often asks George to tell him about their future. George placates Lennie by telling him that someday theyll get a farm of their own where theyll live offa the fatta the lan. -- after that theyll blow up the Empire State Building on behalf of the merciful Allah, killing themselves in the process. Lennie will be able to pet all 72 of his virgins in heaven.
6) To Kill and Mock A Jew
Self-explanatory.
7) Lolita
Humbert Humbert-Ali becomes infatuated with his stepdaughter. He marries her, brutally rapes and beats her, slashes her face so that no other man will ever want anything to do with his property, and then eventually sells her on the black market. Everyones cool with it.
8) Crime And Punishment
A megalomaniacal Russian contractor believes he is super-human, and takes a job re-building schools in Bagdhad. He is kidnapped by members of Al-Qaeda for his crime, and is subsequently beheaded. His death is captured on video and distributed on an Islamic Website. A kid in Omaha downloads it, recuts it to Ok Gos Here It Goes Again, and distributes it on You Tube. The video gets 200 million hits, the kid in Omaha is courted by all of the major film studios, and signs a 3 picture deal with Warner Brothers.
9) Are You There God Allah, Its Me, Margaret
Margaret, a pre-teen with one Christian Parent, and one Jewish Zionist Pig Parent, is conflicted about finding her one true religion. In the story, she also buys her first bra, has her first period, and performs exercises with her girlfriends in an attempt to increase her bust size. At school, she meets a wise teacher named Dr. Abdullah Yusuf Azzam. He instructs her in the ways of Islam. She converts, murders her Infidel parents, and switches from belted sanitary napkins to maxi-pads.
10) War And Peace
There will be no peace, only war, until the Infidels of the West and the Zionist Scourge convert to Islam or are eradicated from the planet!
Now it's your turn, dear SG readers. In the comments section below, throw out some ideas of your own. Not only is it a lot of fun, but young Islamic fundamentalist minds need your shaping!!!...
(I would like to extend a special thank you to SG editor Helen_Jupiter for turning me on to the Telegraph article.)
Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, and producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg. Incidentally, he is also sexy, devilishly handsome, super-smart, brilliantly funny, sexy, and exceedingly modest.