Yes children, your old uncle Satan is unemployed again. And you know what that means? More reviews of movies that will make you wish your parents had never fucked at all!

This week, we'll be looking at a modern classic in the "midgets in creepy suits" genre. That's right, I'm talking about The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. If you've lived overseas your whole life (as some of you have) or if you've been in a vegetative state for the last twenty-odd years (as most of you have), the Garbage Pail Kids were trading cards popular in the mid-80's as gross-out parodies of the then-popular Cabbage Patch Kids (which in retrospect, seem WAY creepier than the cards making fun of them).

Anyway, here's the trailer:



As bad as the trailer makes the film seem, I can guarantee you that the final product is much, much worse. I'll explain.

The basic plot centers around a young teen named Dodger, who works in an antique shop with the quasi-magical Captain Manzini. Dodger is in love with the proto-cougar Tangerine, who is easily five years his senior. Unfortunately, Tangerine is the girlfriend of local hood Johnny Somethingorother. It's not really important. What's important is that the Garbage Pail Kids get released from their "intergalactic ship" (a garbage can, of course) and hilarity ensues.

Well, it's supposed to ensue. What happens instead is a soul-fucking cinematic root canal that will leave you so angry you could easily punch a puppy. We learn that the Kids have a hidden talent of sewing, Dodger is an idiot, this movie has more plot holes and inconsistencies than Battlefield Earth, and that even the most peace-loving hippie pacifist will be capable of choking the shit out of the person sitting next to them if they see this movie.

This movie was so terrible, not even Crim and I making fun of it on an average of every six seconds could make it tolerable. When it was mercifully over, it took every ounce of willpower we had not to beat each other to death in a bare-knuckle Fight Club-style brawl. Instead, we spent the next seven hours complaining about the emotional scars this movie left behind.

In summation: copies of The Garbage Pail Kids Movie ought to be liberally air-dropped over Iran, North Korea, and the Afghani-Pakistani border to save us all time and tax dollars. While this may violate most of the Geneva Convention, if they could sneak waterboarding past, they should be able to slip this "movie" by as well. Don't watch it unless you hate everything, including yourself.



MisterSatan is always looking for suggestions for Movie Sadness, so if you have one, let him know.

You know, I've been accused of having weird taste in films. I'm okay with that, and do you know why? Because sometimes I just want to watch a guy's arms get violently bitten off by some other guy's chest-mouth.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

This time around, we're holding up one of the great sci-fi horror classics to the harsh light of day –– John Carpenter's The Thing (yes, that's the official title).

If you've been living in a fucking cave since 1982, let me give you a quick rundown on the plot. A team of research scientists in Antarctica stumble across a shapeshifting alien, and spend the rest of the movie trying to figure out who's real and who's secretly hiding more tentacles than a Japanese rape hentai. The end result? A delicious blend of some of the best special effects ever captured on film and a nasty little story about paranoia, infection, and, ultimately, death.

The reason why The Thing stands up after all these years comes down to two things. The first is the effects work done by a young Rob Bottin, who worked (and slept on the set) for thirteen months straight. After filming was completed, Carpenter had him admitted to a hospital for exhaustion. It paid off, though. The sequences involving the Thing's transformations, in all their KY-covered, foam rubber, animatronic glory still look great –– in fact, I'm hard pressed to think of a movie made in the last five years or so with such mindbending effects sequences.

The other reason why this movie is great? The damn acting, that's why. A solid ensemble cast with Kurt Russell as MacReady, the main character, do one hell of a good job selling us on sheer terror –– a particularly nice job done by Wilford Brimley (yes, the "diabeetus" guy) as Blair, the biologist who goes absolutely batshit crazy.

Really, this movie isn't about the effects, or the acting –– it's about fear. Most of Carpenter's movies have some heavy-thinking stuff going on behind the gore. In this case, it's paranoia so palpable you can feel it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to assimilate an entire meatloaf. I predict the results will be as messy as in the film.



MisterSatan writes these things whenever he sees a movie he deems worthy, so if you've got recommendations, make sure they're not absolute shit.

This morning, I awoke early due to rampant diarrhea caused by an overabundance of meatloaf from last night's dinner. Unable to sleep, I did what any unemployed person would do - I turned on the TV. At five in the morning there really aren't many options as to what's on.

And then, the unemployment gods smiled upon me. No, it wasn't a winning scratch ticket, or free beer, or even a phone call from my landlord telling me not to worry about the rent this month. It wasn't any of those things, but it was still great - Repo Man was on.

For those of you who've lived under a rock for the past 24 years (or shop at Hot Topic), Repo Man (starring a pre-Bobby Emilio Estevez) is the story of a young suburban punk named Otto who gets roped into repossessing cars. The plot involves aliens, government agents, and a shitload of generic food and car air fresheners. None of that is really important, though. What is important is the fact that the movie even got made in the first place. Alex Cox, the director of Repo Man, had this to say from his website:

How it got made isn't nearly as important as the fact that it exists in the first place, though. Why? One simple reason: because it's so goddamned weird. Even a quarter-century later, Repo Man still holds up as one of the strangest films I've ever seen. It's also wickedly funny, simultaneously capturing a moment in time- the mid-1980s- and skewering it so badly you can practically hear Ronald Reagan's corpse say, "Not tonight, Bonzo". With all the references to a self-help book named "Diuretix", to the killer punk/hardcore soundtrack (look for the Circle Jerks posing as a lounge act about an hour into the film), to Otto's parents giving away his entire college fund to a televangelist (do people still do that?), the movie's jokes somehow still hold up today. Of course, it helps that the script contains so many catchphrase-worthy lines.

If you're still reading this, and you've never seen Repo Man, stop reading and go watch it. If you have seen it, let me ask you this: what movie is the Repo Man of today? Do they make films this fucking strange anymore without being from Japan or David Lynch? Suggest some more weird movies to me and I'll keep writing these things. Assuming, of course, that I have meatloaf again tonight.



MisterSatan is writing this article instead of looking for a job. He should have his knuckles slapped.

Perhaps you are one of the many who has not been caught up in the Halo 3 hype. That’s okay. It’s alright if you don’t like it or just don’t get it. It’s probably because you’ve never played it. This week’s release of the game marked the largest grossing entertainment launch in history – Halo 3 racked up $170 million dollars in sales exceeding Spider-Man 3’s box-office opening and sales of the other recent geek midnight madness for the final book in the Harry Potter series. So, if you are not caught up yourself, there’s a good chance you know someone who is.

At its core, the multi-player aspect of Halo is as simple as schoolyard games like tag, king of the hill along with a healthy dose of paint-ball thrown into the mix. Perhaps that explains its unprecedented popularity – in many ways, it’s a new kind of sport. And while it’s very easy to understand the rules, it can take time to master the skills required to become a great player. But that only applies to the multi-player element of Halo, the campaign mode of the game actually has all the makings of the next great movie franchise on the level of a Star Trek or a Harry Potter.

A Faceless Hero
Basically, Spartan Officer John 117, or as most of you non-gamers know him, Master Chief, is the last of the Spartans, a kind of "Super-Stormtrooper," if you will. And we’ve never seen his face which allows anyone playing the game to picture them in his helmet. This is very much in keeping with the spirit of epic myths as explained by author Joseph Campbell in his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces. However, any film version of the movie will likely have to reveal the face behind the mask as this seems to be the most often asked question, “What does Master Chief really look like?” The answer is simple… he, or she for that matter, is you. I am hoping Chief is female, that would be hot.

Epic Musical Score
John Williams is the go-to man of choice when it comes to epic films. From the Star Wars movies to Indiana Jones and Harry Potter, he has composed the most memorable film scores in history. And if you can’t get John, there’s always Danny Elfman who has also created some amazing film music as well. Martin O’Donnell & Michael Salvatori have created a music track to accompany the levels of Halo’s campaign mode that is both emotionally stirring and triumphantly epic. It’s like no video game score you’ve ever heard and even non-Halo fans will recognize it if one begins to hum the notes.

War, Weapons and Blowing Up Real Good
There is no shortage of impressive technology in the Halo Universe – from the weaponry wielded by the Chief or the alien guns from the Covenant. The Covenant consists of a loose collection of alien allies who shoot pretty purple laser weaponry, the coolest of which is the “needler” gun. The “ghost” motorcycle is also damn cool along with the very practical “warthog.” It’s like opening the toy soldier set and letting them loose in a world where anything goes and in the sci-fi film world, we haven’t seen anything as epic as the battles portrayed in Halo. Well, we haven’t seen it yet, at least.

Actress Jen Taylor (center of course) is best known to as the voice of Cortana.

Sexy Holograms
Cortana is Master Chief’s guide through the story. She’s sexy as hell but unfortunately is not real flesh and blood – she’s a hologram and the Chief will only touch her in his dreams. In the world of movies, Cortana would be known as “Miss Exposition” showing up at key moments to explain what just happened, what we need to do next, and the goal that must be achieved. But she’s so much more than that as she represents, in a sad way, desire that will never be fulfilled.

Scary Zombies
Who doesn’t love zombie movies? The Flood is the scourge devouring sentient life in the galaxy, turning living things into a cross between the horrific creatures from George Romero’s Dead films and John Carpenter’s The Thing. Just the sounds of the Flood monstrosities creeping around unseen will make your skin crawl. And these things are as scary as they are hard to kill. I personally love all things zombie-related and I even have a bumper sticker on my car that reads: I “heart” Zombies.

The Biggest Threat in the Galaxy
Sure, the Star Wars movies had the menacing Death Star, two of them in fact. And Star Trek had that giant carrot-shaped planet eater from the original series, the huge Borg Cube from the Next Generation and the colossal V’Ger from the Motion Picture. But the Halo ring dwarfs them all with its ability to wipe out all life in the galaxy to prevent the scourge of the Flood from spreading. Now requires coining a new word on the level of Humongo-normous-colossalopolis!


Could a Halo movie win Peter Jackson another Oscar?

For some reason, the Halo movie has been filled with false starts, even with talent like Peter Jackson involved as executive producer. Perhaps this recent financial milestone and public frenzy will inspire a version of the film that will resonate beyond the rabid gaming fan base. And we may even see, for the first time, a movie based on a video game that actually goes on to win the Oscar for Best Picture. Just kidding, I think a Halo movie that works as a decent motion picture would be a worthwhile achievement on its own. Clearly, all the elements of a great film experience are there, but doing it right may be as difficult as finishing the fight… solo… on Legendary. (You know what I’m talking about.)

Gore gone!

Chris_Gore prefers to beat campaign before attempting multi-player. So shoot me.

The major summer movies have come and gone, so it’s a good time to evaluate how this summer stacks up in terms of the winners and losers. Every year the industry predicts doom, and then the summer box-office breaks last year’s record. This year will be no different. Here’s a quick checklist of what we’ve learned from the summer movie season 2007 – the surprises, the biggest, the best, the worst, and more… according to me anyway.


Biggest Box-office Winner
Spider-Man 3
Ranking currently at number 15 on the all-time U.S. box-office list with $336 million dollars in ticket sales, the only thing people are wondering about is if there’s a fourth in the works… and who might star in it.

Biggest Box-office Loser
Stardust
At a cost of over $100 million, this well-reviewed Neil Gaiman-written fairy tale with a stellar cast made a paltry $9 million in its debut weekend. It seems audiences are just not in the mood for a Princess Bride-style adventure. As you wish.


Biggest Disappointment
Evan Almighty
Okay, no one was looking forward to a sequel to Bruce Almighty wrapped up neatly in a modern telling of Noah’s Ark story… but Steve Carell is hot! Well, er, he was.

Surprise Hit
Knocked Up
Vulgar and sweetness should be trademark of Judd Apatow and his gang of merry men. Seth Rogan and Katherine Heigl are now the proud parents of a sub-genre of romantic comedy that delivers gross-out laughs with a heart.

Surprisingly Good
Transformers
The word was that director Michael Bay was just going to disappoint the hardcore fans who watched the original cartoon and played with Transformers toys as kids. That disappeared after the first screening when Bay delivered probably his best film yet. So, will we see Micronauts next?


Surprise Failure
Sicko
Michael Moore’s 2004 documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 made $119 million at the U.S. box-office and quickly became the highest-grossing doc in film history. Sicko has yielded a respectable $23 million in ticket sales so far, but has yet to really engage the public in a debate about health care. Too bad as the film is perhaps his best yet.

Best Sequel
The Bourne Ultimatum
All Matt Damon has to do is talk fast into a cell phone and run, run, run away as the camera shakes in an attempt to keep up… and it’s ends up being a thrill ride that is intense as hell. Do that again for us, will you?

Worst Sequel
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
So, the story of the coming of Galactus ends in a cloud. Really? A cloud. That’s all you got? Did they not read the comic book? Lose the slapstick and reboot this series with an indie filmmaker who can get to the deeper layers of Marvel’s super-family.


Bright New Star
Seth Rogan
Who knew that “schlumpy” was the new “sexy”? Thank you Seth Rogan.

Falling Star
Bruce Willis
Live Free or Die Hard is clearly the second best in the Die Hard series, but failed to live up to expectations. Something not to miss when it comes to DVD.

Why did they even make this film? (Or, I can’t believe this movie was so bad!)
It's a 12-way tie!
Daddy Day Camp and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and I Know Who Killed Me and Hot Rod and License to Wed and Becoming Jane and Nancy Drew and Who’s Your Caddy? and No Reservations and Underdog and Rush Hour 3 and Bratz
There clearly was not a shortage of bad movies this summer… and in six months, landfills across America will be filled with DVDs bearing their names. In fact, I’d be surprised if you even remembered that half these films were released over the summer.


Tracy Turnblad wishes every day were Negro day... one day her wish may come true.

Summer 2007’s Best Film
Hairspray
This is the only summer movie that not only lives up to, but surpasses the hype. Hairspray delivers a much-needed wake up call with messages about not only about racism, but people with different body types. Nicole Blonsky as the new Tracy Turnblad is just plain hot.

Gore gone.

Chris_Gore spent his summer indoors watching movies and remains proud of his "indoor kid" heritage.

I am a media junkie. In fact, I used to subscribe to more than 50 magazines. Everything from movie mags to technology to video games to porn magazines arrived at my door step and I greeted every arrival with the urge to get my media fix. Premiere magazine was one of the many mags I looked forward to devouring each month and now it’s dead.


Premiere magazine has shut its doors in the U.S.

This week, Hachette Filipacchi Media U.S. announced that due to decreasing print ad revenue, the magazine would no longer be published and would continue as an online-only publication. Hey, join the club.

Ten years ago, I decided to shut down Film Threat magazine myself and I have to admit that it was a painful decision. So, perhaps I know how some of those folks feel at Premiere right about now. When I ceased publishing Film Threat, the idea was that we’d create a web site as a way to continue to write about movies and then return some day to print. After having built an audience online who enjoys what we do, I would never consider returning to the world of print for several reasons:

1) Speed to market. If something important happens on the internet in the next 30 seconds, I can write about it on my site and you’d know about it. In the world of national print magazines, that window of time is about six days. For monthly magazines like Premiere, the time period is almost six weeks and, on long lead feature stories, it can be months. In a world of consumers trained to consume data at a feverish pace, six weeks is a lifetime.
2) Catering to mainstream tastes. One thing I found fascinating about working on magazines were the odd rules that distributors seemed to adhere to. For example, all magazine covers must contain a recognizable face shot in a way as to be looking directly at the reader. The idea being that the subject was making eye contact with the potential buyer. And the movie/celeb had to be recognizable. For me, that was incredibly limiting – especially when my preference was to write about obscure underground films rather than the latest Tom Cruise movie.
3) Limitations of the medium. Print is confined by the number of pages contained within the magazine itself. 100 pages of print means that, well, that’s it. Once those 100 pages are filled, there’s no more room. Stories must be limited in size, so nothing is liable to go over 5,000 words. If you want depth, read a book. Or if you want to explore a topic, go to a library. The beauty of the web is that there is not limit in terms of length or depth. Read into that what you will.
4) Waste. When I first began working in the print magazine business, I remember being shocked at the amount of waste. I was told that a 30% sell-through rate was considered a huge success, meaning, if a publisher printed 100,000 magazines, and only 30,000 sold, that magazine was a hit. And the 70,000 magazines that did not sell were thrown out or returned to be destroyed, or, hopefully, recycled. I remember feeling incredibly guilty about all the trees that were needlessly destroyed in the interests of making that quota of magazines shipped.

When Film Threat closed its doors ten years ago, we shut down along with a slew of what were considered “counter-culture” magazines such as The Nose from San Francisco. This wave of alt-mags going under was not due to decreasing ad pages, but simply the price of paper. (And don’t get me started on hemp. If the U.S. government would simply allow hemp to be more widely used in the process of making magazines and newspapers, this replenishable resource would see print return at an affordable rate.)

The only thing I can say to Premiere and the hard-working staffers is… I feel terrible and... what took you so long?

Gore gone.

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker, the creator of Film Threat, and prefers his media paperless. NOTE: Gore is on a plane to the Film and Music Festival, so expect a full report next week.

According to the IMdb, a screen adaptation of Maurice Sendak's award-winning book Where the Wild Things Are is in production with Spike Jonze credited as the director and Dave Eggers as one of the screenwriters.


Photo Location

Something to look forward to...sometime in 2008.

Meanwhile, revisit the classic book or visit Maurice Sendak's gift shop full of original work and lovingly run by his assistants.

It's official: Hollywood has run out of ideas. Why else remake a film that isn’t that old - 1987's "Adventures in Babysitting"?

Yes, the beloved film starring Elizabeth Shue, Keith Coogan and a weirdly blond Vincent D’Onofrio is getting the redo treatment, this time with former Cosby kid Raven Symone in the title role.



What’s next? "Sixteen Candles"? "Three Amigos"?

"Adventures" isn’t the only Reagan-era movie being pimped out for a new generation. Other remakes currently being readied include: "Porky’s," "The Stepfather", "Red Sonja", "The Hitcher" and "All of Me."

Eighties movies aside, even acknowledged classics aren't safe from the remake frenzy. Last month, the Weinstein brothers announced plans to remake Akira Kurosawa's 1954 masterpiece "The Seven Samurai."

Wordplay, a documentary feature about Will Shortz, Editor of the New York Times Crossword, is now in theaters. The film boasts a cast including Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Jon Stewart and many more people who cannot figure out 14-across.

For showtimes, trailer, and extras, see the official Wordplay website.


Photo Location

This afternoon, indulge your secret desire to see men in robot costumes thrash the tar out of other guys in giant monster get-ups (come on, you know you love it) when the American Cinematheque continues its annual Giant Monsters festival at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood.

Today’s bill offers the latest incarnation of the long-running Japanese space hero Ultraman with three episodes of Ultraman Max (2005), two of which were directed by Japanese maverick Takashi Miike (Audition) and another by kaiju specialist Shusuke Kaneko (Gamera, Guardian of the Universe). Then stick around for some vintage super action with the 1971 debut episode of Mirror Man, as well as a brand new (and reportedly darker) theatrical update of the series, titled Mirror Man: Reflex, which enjoys its U.S. premiere at this screening. Note to purists, etc: the Cinematheque web site points out that all material shown on tonight’s bill is in Japanese with English subtitles and taken from digital video sources.

Trivia hounds with a bent towards the perverse will be pleased to note that Japanese economist Kasuhide Uekusa earned the nickname “Mirror Man” for his penchant for looking up school girls’ skirts with a hand mirror. However, there will be no such action at today’s screening (at least, I think not).

6:30 p.m.: Ultraman Max

8:15: MiMirror Man (TV) and Mirror Man: Reflex

If you’re in Las Vegas on July 2, give the craps tables a rest and get yourself a good dose of drive-in fun at the Tropicana Cinemas. Eric Caidin and Brian Quinn of Hollywood Book and Poster, the fine folks who run the monthly Grindhouse Film Festival at the New Beverly Cinema in Los Angeles will be trekking west to Las Vegas for a knockout double bill of classic exploitation. Ray Dennis Steckler, the man who gave the world The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies, will be on hand to introduce his jaw-dropping 1964 psycho noir The Thrill Killers, and Corpse Grinders director Ted V. Mikels will present The Astro-Zombies, starring a visibly drunk Wendell Corey, a very cranky John Carradine and Tura Satana from Russ Meyer’s Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. The Thrill Killers star Liz Renay (a one time girlfriend to mobster Mickey Cohen, and later the star of John Waters Desperate Living) will also be on hand. The movies start at 7:00 p.m., and admission for the whole shooting match (which includes a reel of rare exploitation trailers and a free raffle) is only $7. You can’t get that much entertainment in Vegas for that little dough without having to endure a ventriloquist act, so don’t miss out.

Sunday, July 2nd, 2006

Eric Caidin and Brian Quinn present
The Grindhouse Film Festival
Tropicana Cinemas
3330 E. Tropicana Avenue
Las Vegas, NV 89121
(702) 450-3737
Admission: $7.00

Special Guests: Ray Dennis Steckler, Ted V. Mikels and Liz Renay

7:00pm
The Thrill Killers (1964)
Directed by Ray Dennis Steckler.
Starring Cash Flagg and Liz Renay.

9:00pm
The Astro-Zombies (1968)
Directed by Ted V. Mikels.
Starring Wendell Corey, John Carradine and Tura Satana

This weekend, you can keep cool the old-fashioned way by parking yourself in front of an air conditioner (boring) or submerging yourself in your neighbor’s pool (and hoping their kids didn’t pee in it). Another option: you can beat the body heat like a tight soul brother from way back and let the Super Funk of Dolemite: The Soundtrack do the chilling for you. Dolemite, of course, is the big-boasting, ass-kicking, lady-lovin’ alter ego of legendary X-rated party comedian Rudy Ray Moore, who devoted several LPs and two very, very weird low-budget “blaxploitation” action-comedies to the character back in the early ‘70s (you can get ‘em both from Xenon Pictures), and whose elaborate and profoundly obscene routines influenced a generation of rappers and players from Ice-T to Snoop Dogg.

Unless you’re down with the cult scene, the movies are acquired tastes, but the CD, freshly released from Relapse Records, is a goldmine of killer funk and soul grooves, heavy on the Hammond organ, fat bottom rhythm, and wacka-wacka guitar (future mellow soulster James Ingram is among the credited performers). Rudy Ray contributes his air-raid-siren raps on a handful of tracks, including the original radio spots for Dolemite and its even more surreal sequel, The Human Tornado (“From the first to the last/I give em the blast so fast/That their life is past/before their ass/has even hit the grass!”) and even a respectable Isaac Hayes style dark chocolate croon on the honey-dripping “Miss Wonderful.” If you’re any kind of a crate digger or can claim the dustiest fingers on your block, I encourage you to not be a rat soup-eating, born-insecure, no business, junkyard muthafucka and pass this CD by.