Most Bestest Criminal EVAR
Once upon a time, outlaws were a crafty breed. Bandits such as Black Bart and Billy the Kid managed to elude authorities for years, disappearing into the wilds only to resurface and strike again.
The criminals of Generation Y... not so much. For example, consider the case of Florida thief Steven Labore:
Labore, 19, was tracked down this month in Southern Maryland after the prosecutor handling his case discovered that he had posted his phone number and part of his new address to his publicly accessible MySpace page.
Apparently, bitches did know 'bout his MySpace.
That's not really even the best part of the story, though.
Steven Labore, who fled Pennsylvania after he and a pal were charged with stealing two monkeys.
I don't know about you folks, but to me the addition of monkeys to any story automatically makes it about twelvity bajillion times better. I mean, who steals monkeys?
Now, my first thought was that perhaps the alleged crime was in the name of animal rights; freeing lab-animals from cruel testing.
Nothing so noble, I'm afraid.
As police tell it, Labore and his friend Michael Naylor set out to steal marijuana that was rumored -- falsely -- to be growing in a greenhouse on the property of the Wild World of Animals, an animal education and entertainment business in Eighty Four, Pa. There was no marijuana, but the pair found something else to steal, police say.
"Yeah, jackpot: There's no weed, but there's monkeys," (Chad) Schneider (assistant district attorney) said.
Jackpot?! Fucking-A-Right! Do you know what the street value of pure, uncut monkeys is these days?
Police investigated. Labore and Naylor were soon arrested and charged with burglary and other related counts.
Naylor, 19, of Rices Landing, Pa., pleaded guilty to burglary and was sentenced in July to two to five years in prison.
I am severely disappointed that there is no charge of 'Grand Theft: Monkey' that would appear on the official record. One also wonders where a monkey-thief would rank in the prison hierarchy?
RudieCantFail is happy to report that no primates were injured in the writing of this piece. Well... a lemur witnessed some grand orgasms, and a marmoset stubbed its toe... but that's it.
More Hilarity With Animals
The animal kingdom can make for strange news. That is why I bring you these three stories to show that animals can be more than delicious.
First off, as if South Korea and their glowing cats wasn't enough, a cloned pig with the same trait has passed it on to her piglets, leaving scientists in Beijing one step closer to their very own glow-in-the-dark barnyard. Hillbilly ravers are ecstatic with the possibilities. Or...they're just on ecstasy.
A cloned pig whose genes were altered to make it glow fluorescent green has passed on the trait to its young, a development that could lead to the future breeding of pigs for human transplant organs, a Chinese university reported.
The glowing piglets' birth proves transgenic pigs are fertile and able to pass on their engineered traits to their offspring, according to Liu Zhonghua, a professor overseeing the breeding program at Northeast Agricultural University.
Experts note that "glowing" (groan) results such as these could help scientists of the future make the dream of a Six Million Fluorescent Man a reality. Well, not really, but it could help humans nonetheless.
Robin Lovell-Badge, a genetics expert at Britain's National Institute for Medical Research, said the technology "to genetically manipulate pigs in this way would be very valuable."
Lovell-Badge had not seen the research from China's cloned pigs and could not comment on its credibility. He said, however, that organs from genetically altered pigs would potentially solve some of the problems of rejected organs in transplant operations.
Yes, yes, but what about the bacon? Is it so wrong to hear of this "breakthrough" and wish for neon bacon that I can eat in the dark? Is it?
Second, we travel down to Texas, where one ironic example of "man's best friend" forgoes the Lassie routine and popped a cap in his faithful human.
A Houston-area man was killed in a hunting accident after his dog stepped on a loaded shotgun in the back of a pick-up truck, triggering a blast that pierced the vehicle and the hunter's leg, a local sheriff said.
Perry Price, a 46-year-old math teacher, shot a goose on Saturday then put his gun in the back of the truck where the dog was waiting to retrieve the bird.
Police were elated to have something else to do outside of capturing roving bands of gay, flag-burning Democrat Mexicans. Says one witness:
"I've been in law enforcement 20 years and this is probably the strangest one I've had," said Chambers County Sheriff Joe LaRive.
Well, Sheriff, you don't get out much. Stories of dogs gunning their masters down like, well, dogs have been rampant for years. You just don't hear about it, much like sewer 'gators or spontaneous human combustion.
Lastly, what would an animal story be without monkeys? Macaques, to be precise. I've written about macaques and their mischievous ways before on this very site, and now I present more evidence supporting the theory that humans and our simian kin are similar beyond mere genetics.
Like men, male macaques will go to emasculating lengths just to get laid.
Selling sex is said to be humankind's oldest profession but it may have deep evolutionary roots, according to a study into our primate cousins which found that male macaques pay for intercourse by using grooming as a currency.
Michael Gumert of Nanyang Technological University in Singapore made the discovery in a 20-month investigation into 50 long-tailed macaques in Kalimantan Tengah, Indonesia, New Scientist reports on Saturday.
On average, females had sex 1.5 times per hour.
But this rate jumped to 3.5 times per hour immediately after the female had been groomed by a male -- and her partner of choice was likely to be the hunky monkey that did the grooming.
Much like drunken frat boys who think they can get in a gal's pants after one round of banana daquiris (am I right, ladies?), they'll even shop around for the cheapest date willing to touch their, *ahem*, "macaque."
If there were several females in the area, the cost of buying sex would drop dramatically -- a male could "buy" a female for just eight minutes of nit-picking.
But if there were no females around, he would have to groom for up to 16 minutes before sex was offered.
Ronald Noe of France's University of Strasbourg notes the bribery behavior seen in the study can been seen in people as well..
"There are many examples of rich old men getting young attractive ladies."
The real question is, do monkeys get that phone call from a questionable lay telling them to go to the doctor? Monkey herpes is no laughing matter.
Wait...yes it is. Even STDs are funnier when a monkey is involved.
thefreak will not be held responsible for his use of bad puns.
In India, Monkey Spank YOU!
You know me; I love a good monkey story -- or two. I hate to come across as a one-trick chimp, uh, pony, but it ain't all bananas and poop throwing. There's a seedier side, and one only need travel to New Delhi, India to find it (as if they didn't already have enough crazy animal stories these days.)
It is there that the monkeys are en masse -- and oh boy, are they pissed.
First it was the death of Delhi's deputy mayor, who fell after a fight with monkeys on the balcony of his home last month.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Then, 25 residents were bitten, scratched and mauled by a lone monkey which went on the rampage in the capital last weekend.
The monkey reportedly tried to snatch several infants before being beaten back by residents armed with sticks and metal bars.
The primate problem has gone on for some time, as New Delhi is home to hordes of rhesus macaques, with totals estimating over 20,000. The monkey menace has been a major campaign issue the past few years, with authorities having gone several avenues, even "hiring" larger (and more territorial, to boot) gray langurs to try and shock the monkeys (hey, hey) with their presence and force them out. They've made little progress.
Chasing them away with ultra high frequency loudspeakers, deporting them to neighboring states or transporting them to India's only monkey jail in Patiala, 200 miles north of Delhi, have failed.
That's right. A monkey jail. Hmm, I wonder if "monkey jail" ends up at all like Oz? Not the "yellow brick road, wicked witch" flying monkeys Oz, mind you, the "stab you with a shiv and make you my bitch, bitch!" monkeys Oz.
Experts say there is a growing pattern of lone attacks that may highlight the random way authorities are trying to reduce the monkey population in the city.
"Incidents of lone monkey attacks were almost unknown until recently," said Sonya Ghose, founder of Citizens for the Welfare and Protection of Animals and a member of an enforcement panel overseeing the monkey relocation campaign.
"I fear that monkeys are being trapped in a haphazard manner. Monkey catchers are breaking up troupes of monkey families, leaving some monkeys alone without their families."
"Then they have nothing to lose and turn aggressive."
.
I know what you're saying. "Just fire the grill and make some monkey burgers! Problem solved, right?" Wrong. Killing them is a no-no. "Why," you ask? Because they don't want to get their monkey god pissed off.
Efforts are hampered by the majority Hindu religious sentiment that associates monkeys with the god Hanuman, who helped Lord Rama defeat Ravana, the evil king of modern day Sri Lanka.
Millions of Indians visit Hanuman temples every Tuesday and anyone trying to trap or scare off monkeys is frequently beaten up or chased away.
The most recent macaque attacks have increased public pressure on the Delhi government to do something, and do it quick, before we're forced to welcome our new simian overlords. But, to be honest, would that be so bad? I mean... it's less scary a thought that Ron Paul in '08, anyway.
thefreak, in light of this story, would have to have the chimp roommate in his fantasy sitcom have an evil twin. Hey, it worked for Knight Rider, right?