Congratulations on being alive for another Asshole Fuckface Roundup Day. Many others are not, including the very dead Countess Elizabeth Báthory of Hungary. She was the world’s first Asshole Fuckface. Liz was a serial killer who tortured and murdered 600 girls and women during the early 1600s. She beat her victims over a period of time, as well as burning the hands, faces and genitals. Liz also enjoyed biting the skin off their faces and arms. Many of her victims starved or froze to death. In 1610 Liz was arrested, convicted and sealed off in her room with bricks, with only a slit to look through. She died in 1614 and forever will be known as one hell of an Asshole Fuckface. Since that day, my people have searched the Earth for Asshole Fuckfaces to point at and yell. Today, I scour the weekly news to find the worst of the worst and present them to you, my minions. So, put on your fake fur aprons and prepare to be sick.

My first Asshole Fuckface should not be allowed to speak anywhere, ever.

Tom Delay is one of the top ten Asshole Fuckfaces of recent times. He led the impeachment of President Clinton, coordinated the redistricting of congressional districts in Texas, helped start the destructive K street lobbying project, was heavily involved in the Jack Abramoff scandal, and, well, is the poster boy for everything that has been wrong with the Republican Party for the past 15 years. Fittingly, he was forced to give up his Congressional seat and position as House Majority Leader because he was indicted for conspiring to violate campaign finance laws.

Why this Asshole Fuckface is allowed on any television show is beyond my comprehension. And yet, there he was.



Right. I’m no John McCain fan, but Tom Delay is a permanent heinous stain on the Republican Party. I would have more respect for a pedophile making these comments on-air, while he fucked a boy.

Sports Dads are always Asshole Fuckfaces and occasionally they do something that lands them on the Roundup.

This week it was Mathew Kowald from a small town north of Madison, Wisconsin. It’s football playoff time and that means one thing in Wisconsin: Green Bay Packers. Wait, make that two things: Green Bay Packers and horrible, drunk Asshole Fuckfaces.

Drink much? Now the boy is sure to become a lifelong Green Bay Packers fan. It reminds me of when I was young. I didn’t like the Golden State Warriors, so my dad took a jersey and rammed it up my cooley. I bled for a week, but damned if I didn’t become a huge fan. Things didn’t work out so well for Kowald.

Sadly, Kowald now cannot explain the reality of the situation to his son.

Shame. If you only had a chance to explain that to him during the hour he was taped up. Maybe you can buy him a ticket to the next Packers playoff game to make it up to him.

We are blessed to share this time on Earth with one of the greatest Asshole Fuckfaces of all time.

Bill O’Reilly is a great reason to argue for the extermination of mankind. Why Cloverfield cannot kill this Asshole Fuckface, I don’t know. This week, Bill opened the front part of his face and spewed more retardation.

Bill is apparently upset with this "lie" that came out of John Edwards.

Yes, Bill thinks John was lying. Bill does not believe we have veterans sleeping on the street. One can only assume he has never been outdoors. This week he discussed the horrible lie with Ed Schultz.



Wow. Let's take another look.

What a total and complete Asshole Fuckface. How any person can stoop to such a low level and deny the reality of men and women who sacrificed for our country is amazing and horrible. The truth is, as usual, the
opposite of what Bill says.

And finally, the great thing about the Asshole Fuckface known as Mike Huckabee is that he is a gift that just keeps on giving.

This week the Huck made the mistake of opening his Christian wine hole and letting words out.



Uh, what? Hey, Asshole Fuckface, our Constitution was written with the idea of keeping religion and government separate.

There really is nothing to say, except that God hates Huckabee. Seriously. Wouldn't you, if you were God and this Fuckface was running around telling everybody what you think?

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each will recieve a FearTheReaper Chinese vase!

Mike Huckabee has now taken over the lead in polls for the Republican nomination, which means the deep dig into his past begins. Rudy Giuliani was the first victim of the deep dig and Huckabee is now enjoying an intense sifting through his past. Mitt is just a Mormon, no digging needed.

Huckabee is a deep well of horrible quotes and shady decisions. The only people more scared of Huckabee than Democrats are moderate Republicans, but those fuckers deserve it after years of courting all the religious lunatics in our country. So, sit back and enjoy the past genius quotes from the Republican front-runner.

On AIDS:

Man, that was a great call in 1992. Just think if we hadn’t listened to Mike, we’d all be dead or infected with AIDS. Thanks for creating AIDS Island; we’ll never forget it.

On government and religion:

Hey, I'm not an expert or anything, but it sounds like you said the government sucks and it needs a Jesus enema. I'm paraphrasing of course, but I think that sums it up. Remember when the Taliban made the people of Afghanistan accept Muhammad into their lives? That worked out in an awesome way.

On marriage:

I can’t really argue with that one. When you’re right, you’re right.

In 1998, Huckabee wrote a book called Kids Who Kill: Confronting Our Culture of Violence. It was Mike’s answer to a school shooting in Arkansas. Like any good religious nutjob, Huckabee came to the conclusion that school shootings were the result of our society society falling apart due to abortion, pornography, media violence, out-of-wedlock sex, divorce, drug use and hot man on man loving. He didn’t actually use the term “hot man on man loving,” but that is probably what he hears in his head. Check out some wonderful passages from The Huck's book.

True. All of these things have screwed America over big time, especially the wicked environmentalism movement. God hates people who love trees, especially gay trees that have AIDS and shoot smack.

Which one of these things is not like the other? Molesting kids, beating another person and enjoying it, fucking a dead body and a couple of dudes getting it on. If you guessed #4, you win! Yes, in Mike Huckabee’s Jesus-loving mind, fucking a dead guy is just like fucking a live guy.

Actually, not at all. Do you even know what civil liberty means, Mike? You should learn the definition before you write about it. Just a tip.

Word. This could not be more true. For instance I was educated in public schools and they actually had the nerve to teach me from more than just the one book. It was there that I learned to have sex with men, give abortions, get and give AIDS, molest kids, use drugs and get a divorce. Go Wildcats!

Fair enough. I know a lot of women over the years have earned positions that are equal to or even above men. And that has basically led to women having more money and power, allowing them to live more independent and rewarding lives, which has totally worked against them. Wait, what?

The only God given distinctions I can think of between men and women is the cock and balls and the hole thingy. I think everyone looses when they get muddied. Please don’t do that, especially in the hole thingy.

Mike also threw in some Bible chat to explain what was happening to our society.

I can only imagine that after he put those three gems together in an awesome paragraph, he threw his pencil to the ground and shouted, “Boom. You got the motherfucking Huckabee thunder!” He really makes an awesome point here and he is finally sounding presidential. I personally won’t vote for a guy until he says, “dissipating sensuality.”

But now it seems Mike didn’t use his own child raising techniques from his book because one of his kids murdered a doggy. Yes, the son of a Baptist Minister did something creepy. Isn’t that shocking?

Turns out David Huckabee kind of hung a dog nine years ago when he was at a Boy Scout camp. He did not get the “hang a dog” badge, however. The story is a bit murky, but what we do know is that 17-year-old David Huckabee hung the dog and was kicked out of the Scouts for breaking their “kindness” rule.

When the story broke in the press, Mike explained way his son’s heinous act.

Just like Jesus would have done. Hey, don't we have some people in our country called veterinarians? And some stuff called food? People who kill animals in unusual ways are practicing for their future work as serial killers. They take joy in watching life leave a living creature. Kind of undermines Huckabee’s book a little bit. You know, the one called Kids Who Kill. Or maybe we are mistaken and it is a how to book. Or maybe the publisher dropped are awesome off the title.

Imagine the chill that would go down your spine if you learned your child had hung a dog. I guess it is that kind of chill that would make a good, religious man use his power to make sure no charges were filed.

First Huckabee had both his lawyer and chief of staff put pressure on the director of Arkansas's state police and then fired the director when he wouldn’t write a letter denying a prosecutor’s request to arrest David.

Just like Jesus would have done. Go Huckabee!

Not many people know where the Roundup began. It occurred in Ireland, way back in 1649. The British were conquering Ireland when Commander Oliver Cromwell came across the stubborn town of Wexford. After 10 days, Cromwell’s troops entered the city walls and went on a murder frenzy. They killed 300 women gathered around a cross, they murdered priests and shot others civilians as they attempted to flee by swimming across the River Slaney. In all 1,500 civilians were massacred. They then burned Wexford. As the smoke drifted over to Cromwell, he said, “Smell that? Smells like Asshole Fuckfacery.” He had a little shit eating grin on his face, too. True story. Ever since that day, my family has been cursed with the job of bringing Asshole Fuckfaces forth to the populace each week. I scour the news in search of the worst of the worst and put them on the page for you to read and shake your righteous heads. So, put on your thickest overalls because this is going to be messy.

Why not start with a religious Asshole Fuckface?

Nathaniel Abraham hired at – hold up. I was about to get into the story, but if your name is Nathaniel Abraham you are bringing a shitload of religious crazy into any room. You think he is okay with people calling him Nate? The magic eight ball says, “Fuck No.”

Anyway, Nate was hired at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution in March of 2004 after receiving a master's degree in biology and a philosophy doctorate from St. John's University. He was brought in to aid in the research of how chemicals affect the mechanisms of fish from a comparative/evolutionary perspective. Then in October, Nate let it slip that he did not believe in evolution.

Golly, you think your boss was angry because you were being paid to work on something you don’t believe him? Nate told his boss that he "was willing to discuss evolution as a theory." Oh, how kind of you, guy working in a place where evolution is being studied. How about if we are also willing to discuss the effect of a neck punch on religious nutjobs?

Nate was fired in November. Turns out his boss thought believing in evolution was sort of central to study evolution. Nate then took his case to the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination.

No shit. So, now Nate is suing. In a court. Right here in the US. But he is not suing because he is an Asshole Fuckface, but rather for religious discrimination. He would like $500,000. In the meantime, he is working at Liberty University, which was founded by the Rev. Jerry Falwell.

This is exactly why God invented the neck punch.

Next up, the Asshole Fuckfaces in the Bush administration for not making
oversight a part of their little war.

Tons of stuff is missing in Iraq.

Oh, that’s good. I mean, what could possibly go wrong there? It’s not like we have thousands upon thousands of soldiers in Iraq, who actually don’t want to die. What could go wrong with losing $1 billion worth of weapons and stuff?

The Inspector General only found an audit trail for $83 million out of $643 million in equipment contracts. The military does not know where 12,712 out of 13,508 weapons went. Those weapons include pistols, assault rifles, rocket propelled grenade launchers and machine guns. All of those things kill people. We have soldiers there and, again, I cannot emphasize this enough: They don't want to die. Letting the enemy get their hands on weapons does not help them with the living thing.

One Asshole Fuckfaces named Claude Bolton, has resigned from his post as assistant secretary for acquisition, logistics and technology. Now, if we could just put him in prison.

How about some video Asshole Fuckfacery?



Holy. Fucking. Shit. At least Bush was subtle and tried to show his God shit with a wink and a smile. This Asshole Fuckfacery is way over the top. Does my vote count as much as God's vote? I don't think that is covered in The Constitution thingy.

Last but not least, we end up will some media Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who knew CNN would pass Fox on the AFR? Not me. But this week they have done exactly that. Poor CNN was forced to “postpone” a “speculative documentary” called “We Were Warned – Iran Goes Nuclear.” By the way, there is no such thing as a “speculative documentary.” It is called fiction, also known as a mockumentary. CNN was going to do their own version of "The Office," but it was going to be a drama.

Oooo, scary. And don't forget, if you kids help create another war, your ratings go up and you make money!

So, why was CNN forced to “postpone” the documentary? Turns out Iran discontinued its nuclear weapons program four years ago. Fucking jerks. Doesn’t Iran know a NEWS NETWORK was creating fake news? Sorry, it’s not fake news, it’s a “speculative documentary.”

By “a different set of rules and a different set of conditions,” he means reality. Maybe CNN could have spent the money they were tossing at creating fiction and used to track down NEWS.

But, don’t worry. You will get to see the documentary at some point, because it has only been “postponed.” Hey, CNN, you should do a documentary about a president ignoring intelligence and lying to the American people in hopes of starting a war. Man, that’s a good plot.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a young boy with the words “Asshole Fuckface” shaved into his hair.

FearTheReaper was unable to post this story at 9 am due to access problems yesterday. Just be thankful you got it at all.

Volume 10 of the FTR series in which he puts the word "fuck" in front of a presidential candidate's name.

The presidential primary races are beginning to heat up a bit and one asshole has actually been gaining support: Mike Huckabee. Which forces this incredible writer to have to take the time to show you that Mike Huckabee is a horrible, horrible man.

Huckabee began his professional life as an ordained minister, serving at different churches in Arkansas and he is a former president of the Arkansas Baptist State Convention. His political career began shortly after he felt the power of ruling the convention. In 1993 he was elected as lieutenant Governor of Arkansas and then as Governor in 1996. He left office earlier this year. But it is not like The Huck wanted to go into politics, rather, he was dragged, kicking and screaming, by God.

And now Mike is hoping we can support him and do what is right for America.

Oh, good, he’s never read The Constitution or a history book. But we can all take solace in the fact that he has read one book. He has called on conservatives to vote on the “social issues that are undermining” the wall between church and state. You know, the wall the Founding Fathers built so nutjobs like Huckabee would not be able to impose their religion on everyone else.

Oh, then maybe you should keep working as a minister instead of running for president. We should all be very afraid of a man who believes that only by following his religion can we solve the problems of our society. And we should be even more afraid of a man who got into politics to promote his religion as the solution.

During a recent Republican debate, Huckabee said most of the “signers of the Declaration of Independence were clergymen.” This is classic Christian re-writing of history and the man is said it during a debate, on live television. It is what attracts other religious nuts to his campaign, because it is what they want the truth to be. It is not the truth.

“Most” = 1 out of 56, or 1.8% for those of you who love percentages. But the truth should never get in your way when you are using The Bible as your platform for change.

And he has done what he can to legally inject his religion into our society. One example of his work is the Convenant Marriage Act of 2001. Covenant Marriage laws have been passed in three states: Arizona, Louisiana and Arkansas. It is completely ridiculous for the government to be involved in such marriages, and a bit creepy.

What a fucking joke. You need a legal reason to come to this agreement? Our government really needs to pass a law for something that is clearly a personal and religious decision? But that is the Huckabee way and I’m sure he believes he did a lot of good getting that religious law passed.

The Huck, of course, also does not believe in evolution.



He's got some solid reasoning, though.

Well, that is why you should send your kids to Christian school, nutjob. There are a shitload of other fairy tales we could teach as the beginning of mankind as well, but we don’t.

Huckabee was given a chance to explain his beliefs on evolution in a later debate.



Does not make me feel better, sport. And way to stick up for your Christian beliefs and dodge the question, just like Jesus would have.

Being a religious man, one would think that The Huck would run a squeaky clean government. Instead, he went with being a corrupt asshole.

One retired Arkansas government official summed up Huckabee nicely.

Well, then he fits in quite well with the new breed of Christian politician like George Bush. When Huckabee left office, he made sure no one would know the shit he had been up to.

Yeah, because no one had thought of writing a law forbidding the crushing of computers. Nice work, douchbag. Oh, and I'm sure Jesus used to crush computers, too.

And Huckabee did his best to represent Arkansas with dignity.

Way to go, you are a classy man, Huck.

Of course, being a Christian, The Huck is in love with our crusade against the filthy Muslims.

I’m actually reminded that al Qaeda did not exist in Iraq before 9/11 and our war there created a training ground for future terrorists, as well as largely increasing their numbers. But you keep thinking whatever you need to think, God boy. Mike is one of those candidates you should support if you want eternal war.

Uh, hey, “whatever it takes” could mean nukes, you psycho. No man who is as religious as Huckabee should be allowed to hold the office of president during this time of war. He should be disqualified because of his biases and his desire for Jesus to return after Armageddon. Most important of all are the words of support he had for Bush’s surge.

Really? Here’s a list of leaders who were stubborn: Saddam Hussein, Ayatollah Khomeini, Stalin, Hitler, Franco, Mussolini, Emperor Hirohito, Napoleon and Idi Amin, just to name a few. And I agree, you shouldn’t change the course of a military every time there’s a new opinion poll, you should change it when you are getting nowhere and it is obvious to everyone in the world.

The Huck also doesn’t think the president needs Congressional approval to go to war, like it says in that thing called The Constitution.

He was speaking as if Iran had grabbed the items necessary to make a nuclear weapon, dashed across the border and then started building it as fast as they could. The reality is that Iran is years away from a nuclear weapon, according to all experts that are not part of the Bush administration. Worse of all, he called seeking Congressional approval a “luxury.” Madison would have kicked the shit out of this guy.

The Huck is a delusional asshole, who paints a rosy picture of anything that is horrible, as long as it’s not happening to Christians. This summer he had some wise words about how the prisoners in Guantanamo were being treated.

Oh. Uh, okay. Here are some details of how awesome it is at Guantanamo from an FBI report.

I bet The Huck would say the same thing if Guantanamo were holding Christian prisoners, right?

Mike Huckabee is a religious lunatic, plain and simple. If he wants to be president of a Baptist organization, I’m all for it but he has no place being the president of the US. We already have experienced 7 disastrous years with a born again running the country and it has clearly not gone well. The last thing we need is another 4 more years of crusades. The man clearly has no understanding of The Constitution or history.

I hate to break the news to all of you politics junkies who’ve been amusing yourselves by debating issues like “Just how evil is Hillary Clinton?”, “Does Obama have enough experience to be President?” and “Who’s crazier, Mike Gravel, Ron Paul or Dennis Kucinich?” over the past year, but as of this week, the winner of the 2008 United States Presidential election has been decided.

It’s done. Over. Feel free to go through the sham of having a series of primaries and caucuses, and even the pretense of a general election, but the end result has been pre-ordained.

No, not because the Bush administration has started the ball rolling on some complex “false flag” operation to orchestrate a massive terrorist strike inside the United States and thus declare martial law and suspend elections indefinitely. It’s not because the true nature of the corporate two-party duopoly means that nothing will ever really change unless there’s, like, a revolution, man. It has nothing to do with Skull & Bones, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, some crappy YouTube video, or that secret UFO base inside the Earth’s core.

It’s because of one man.

Chuck Norris.

On Sunday, Mr. Norris delivered a roundhouse kick to the pudgy midsection of the American electoral process by declaring that his choice for our next president is former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.

Some of you may be saying “Wait, Chuck Norris? That guy from Walker, Texas Ranger (or Delta Force, depending on how old you are)? Since when did he have the power to determine our next president?”

That’s the reaction I had, shortly before I interrupted my daily Internet browsing routine of searching for new LOLcats and downloading terabytes of lesbian clown porn to do a bit of research on Chuck Norris. I quickly discovered that over the past few years he’s become a modern-day Paul Bunyan, capable of miraculous feats of strength, most of which involve killing people. Buying penis enlargement pills from Russian websites taught me the valuable lesson that everything on the Internet is 100% true, so if Chuck Norris can both run around the Earth so fast he can punch himself in the back of his own head and disprove the so-called scientific theory of evolution, do you really think he can’t kick the Electoral College’s ass? Have you seen how out of shape the average delegate is these days?

If you want further proof of how Chuck Norris can single-handedly determine the outcome of the upcoming election, you need only read his endorsement of Huckabee to find examples of how he’s managed to use his karate skills to alter history itself.

Take that, Thomas Jefferson and the version of the New Testament you edited to exclude all mention of Jesus’ divinity, miracles and resurrection! Better luck next time, Treaty Of Tripoli and Article VI of the Constitution! Chuck Norris has just punched the space-time continuum so fucking hard that you’re now examples of the Founding Fathers standing up against secularism! By the time you read this, the Constitution will have pissed itself with fear and then spontaneously re-written itself to be chock full of Jesus references.

Not only that, but did you know that Chuck Norris can single-handedly re-define the standards by which a political candidate is judged?

Ouch! Before Chuck Norris kicked me in the brain with his words, I was backwards enough to consider that people applying for a job should be judged based on how well they might perform the tasks that job requires. Once the swelling goes down, I’ll be sure to judge them by how nice they are as people.

Some of you may be a bit reluctant to accept Huckabee as our next president. Perhaps you’re a godless homo-loving terrorist-fellating pinko who doesn’t think legalized abortion is like the Holocaust or that encouraging condom use to help prevent AIDS is like telling an abusive husband “don’t hit quite as hard”. Or, speaking of godless homo-loving pinkos, you may just think he can’t beat Rudy Giuliani in the GOP primaries:

Remember, polls don’t matter when it comes to electing a president, since in the end he’s appointed by God. Or in this case, Chuck Norris.

I know, I’m being redundant.

So feel free to continue to pretend that the 2008 Presidential election isn’t a foregone conclusion. I’m going to be pro-active and spend the next year preparing for President Huckabee’s first term. Not by fleeing to Canada early to beat the traffic, but by hiring a karate expert to roundhouse kick me in the head once a day.

Because Chuck Norris has taught me that the more often you’re kicked in the head, the better the phrase “President Huckabee” sounds.

It's Saturday, or as it is known in Jerusalem, Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. Each week I scan the news to find the scum of the week. It is not an easy job and I suffer greatly for my efforts. But in the end, I am simply serving you, the humble SG member. You must know the names of all the Asshole Fuckfaces who are roaming the Earth. So, put on your plastic bibs because this is not going to be pretty.

We can always count on the religious right to provide some fantastic Asshole Fuckface quotes.

This week Republican presidential candidate Mick Huckabee was asked if he would commit to helping the UN reach its goal of 50 billion for AIDS funding by 2015. He sidestepped the question with a classic politician dodge. Another reporter then asked Huckabee if his religious views would get in the way in regards to AIDS funding?

Huckabee gave an awesome answer that, of course, compared encouraging safe sex with telling domestic abusers not to “hit as hard.” Seriously.

Yep. We should tell people not to have sex. That is the same as telling an asshole not to hit his wife as hard. You are truly an Asshole Fuckface, Mike Huckabee.

Where there is one Asshole Fuckface Republican candidate, there is always another close behind.

Republicans despise the UN because they have been brain washed to do so. They have few actual facts and quite a bit of bullshit rhetoric. Sometimes their hatred overwhelms them so much that they double hate the UN, like Mitt Romney.

Fuck yeah, we should! Of course, we already did that. The US doesn’t have a seat on the Human Rights Council because we are already boycotting. But we can always Double Extra Boycott!

Mitt Romney also thinks we should have a brand new UN! He said he would support a new, different “coalition of free nations of the world.”

How awesome and inexpensive would that be to create? Of course, this new body of countries would try to stop the US from doing whatever the hell it wanted and the right wing would have to start hating it. It’s the cycle of life!

Now, you may be saying to yourself, "I don't think that was enough to make it into the Roundup." Well, then how about some bonus Mitt. I call this video, "What an Asshole Fuckface Pussy."



Nice work, Mitt. You showed humanity, integrity, courage and a huge spoonful of Asshole Fuckfacery.

You can always tell an Asshole Fuckface because they don’t know what is and what isn’t torture.

Bush’s nominee to fill the Attorney General vacancy spent last week in front of the Senate. On Thursday, Michael Mukasey was widely praised by Democrats for his answers during his confirmation hearing. On Thursday night he took a little trip to the White House and on Friday his answers became laughable.

You should be sorry. You are a highly respected lawyer who is suffering from a rare case of self-inflicted retardation. Oh, and you are one hell of an Asshole Fuckface.

It is mind-boggling that this is the state of our country. We are now in a time where the nominee for Attorney General of the United States actually does not know if waterboarding is torture.

Water boarding has been around for centuries. It was a common interrogation technique during the Italian Inquisition of the 1500s.
First you strap a person to an inclined board, with his feet raised and his head lowered. Then you gag him. Next, you repeatedly pour water onto the person's face. The waves of water make the persons’ mind believe he is drowning. The gag reflex kicks in as if he were choking. "9/11 mastermind" Khalid Sheik Mohammed lasted about two minutes before confessing to everything of which he was accused.

Bush’s policies have made it impossible to have an Attorney General who is honest and conscientious. A nominee cannot serve the president and the law at the same time, just like you can’t work for Saruman and Gandolf at the same time. You either follow the law or you do the bidding of Bush. If you take Bush, then you should not be the Attorney General. End of story.

Democrats should not confirm Asshole Fuckface Mukasey if he can’t figure out what is torture. But they will.

Fortunately for Mukasey, there is a group of Asshole Fuckfaces called the Senate Democrats. Congrats, guy who shouldn’t get the job!

It’s not often that a Nobel Prize winner gets labeled an Asshole Fuckface, which makes today a special day.

Dr. James Watson won the Nobel Prize in 1963 for discovering the structure of DNA. Obviously discovering the double helix has been a big deal for scientific breakthroughs ever since. Which makes it all that much more horrible that Dr. Watson decided to explain the inferiority of black people this week.

Uh...right. Uh. So...

Watson then backed it up with some fantastic scientific evidence.

Wow. You’re a Nobel Laureate? Really? Because it seems like you might be more of an Asshole Fuckfaceate.

Watson's upcoming lecture at London’s Science Museum was promptly cancelled. Hopefully when he returns to the lab, one of his black employees can explain to him why he is an Asshole Fuckface.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each get a FearTheReaper hockey stick!

Yesterday, the powerful Ames Straw Poll was held in Iowa. There are many straw polls every year, but Ames is the big enchilada of straw polls. It was first held in 1979 and the winner has gone on to win the Republican nomination TWICE. The poll is not held during years in which a incumbent Republican president is running, which means it has only been held four times previously. So, two out of four winners have won the Republican nomination. That incredible ratio has led the media to take the Ames straw poll very seriously.

It is believed the poll shows the organizational skills of presidential campaigns. To vote in the poll, residents have to get to the town of Ames. Once there, they have to buy or somehow acquire a $35 dollar ticket and then hand it to a poll worker. So, campaigns buy a bunch of tickets and try to get people from all over the state to come to Ames. Campaigns pay recruiters to drum up support and then rent buses to transport them to Ames. If you take a moment to think about it, the entire scenario is pretty retarded, but not retarded enough to stop the Republicans.

This year Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson and John McCain decided not to take part in the straw poll. That left Mitt Romney as the only leading Republican candidate in the poll. Mitt basically had to kick ass in the poll, or he would end up looking like a total loser.

Being a Mormon, Romney was able to call on his massive family to give him a hand. Ninety-six members of the Romney tribe came to Iowa to help out with the poll. (Somebody in that family needs to learn how to use a rubber) Romney also rented more than 100 buses and spent millions of dollars. The result was that he ended up winning with 4,516 votes. That is a whopping 31.5%.Totally worth millions of dollars.

Other candidates also spent some money, but nowhere near the amount Romney blew through. Sam Brownback rented 51 buses, bought 3,000 tickets to hand out and spent $600,000. He ended up with 2,192 votes, or 15.3%. Tom Tancredo rented 20 buses, bought 2,400 tickets and bought many radio ads. He got 1,961 votes, or 13.7%. They came in 3rd and 4th, respectively. The man who came in second yesterday is the real story.

Mike Fucking Huckabee. Unlike the other candidates, he barely spent any money, only bought 1,850 tickets, did not run any ads and rented no buses. The Huck got 2,587 tickets, or 18.1% of the vote. That is 737 more tickets than he bought. All the other candidates purchased far more tickets than were eventually cast for them. That means Huckabee supporters found their own way to Ames, then either bought their own tickets or conned them from other candidates. Either way, it means that as of today, The Huck is a legitimate candidate.

Many liberal bloggers fear Huckabee as a candidate. So far, he has not caught fire. But the Huck is a Christian Right dream candidate. He is a Baptist Minister, opposed to abortion, gay marriage, civil-unions and he does not believe in evolution. Being a Christian, he also supports the death penalty, the Iraq War, the surge and the Patriot Act. Fear him.

Overall, the Ames Straw Poll was very bad news for Republicans. Eight years ago, 24,000 Republicans took part in the poll. This year that number tumbled to 14,000. That is a 42% drop. Note to Republicans: Nobody likes you anymore – not even you.

Now I have to write a “Fuck Huckabee” article. Sigh.